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16+ Language

Keeping It Together

by Redbox275


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Hey just a note before reading. I'd prefer that you wouldn't critique the script on the format. I know how to format a script, but sometimes it doesn't translate well when pasting. I'd prefer comments on grammar, story, and characters. Thank you. 

INT. Olivia 's BEDROOM - DAY

We see the back of a girl's head. Slim, manicured hands grab the long hair. They try to separate the hair into four parts but struggle as the hair is messy and unmanageable, so one hand leaves the frame and returns with a hairbrush

The brush combs through the hair but hits a knot.

KRISTEN

Ooch!

We see OLIVIA ,17, prim, organized, and a bit of a control freak. She braidd her sister’s hair. KRISTEN, 14, sassy, spunky, and rebellious, htsnd back to feel her head, regretting leaving her hair in her sister's hands.

OLIVIA

Sorry, didn't think that would hurt.

Olivia pushes Kristen's hand back.

OLIVIA

Don't worry, Krissy, I'll make it look great.

Kristen resigns and hunches back down, focusing her attention to her phone.

Olivia wants to fill the silence, opening but closing her mouth at each attempt to connect with her, sister, who's on her phone. Olivia finally asks:

OLIVIA 

So, how are you and Nicole? Does she still need help with science?

KRISTEN

We haven't been friend for months.

OLIVIA 

(embarrassed she didn't know this)

Oh, yeah...right. Who are you friends with now?

KRISTEN

Riley.

OLIVIA

Oh, Riley Fitzgerald...

KRISTEN

What's wrong with her?

OLIVIA

(Lying)

Nothing...

Awkward silence.

OLIVIA 

Are you excited for mom's play?

KRISTEN

I guess, but I don't get why we have to go to some other high school play. She's just the director.

OLIVIA

This is the first one she'll direct for that school. We have to support her.

KRISTEN

(skeptical)

Okay...

OLIVIA

We can go as a family. You, me, and dad.

KRISTEN

You know dad. He'd rather see woman dance rather than underage girls.

OLIIVIA

Kristen!

Olivia pulls on Kristen's hair on accident.

KRISTEN

Ow!

OLIVIA

Sorry, but really Kristen?

KRISTEN

You know it's true.

OLIVIA

Well, anyway. I overheard dad's meeting got cancelled this Friday. We can go that day.

KRISTEN

I don't think dad want to go especially for mom's sake.

OLIVIA

I know things have been tense, but we can still have fun. Beside mom and dad will be on other sides of the curtain.

KRISTEN

(mutters)

They should be on other sides of the world

OLIVIA

Don't exaggerate.

KRISTEN

I wish I was.

OLIVIA

I'll get dad to come. It will be fun. The theatre pogram is excellant there.

KRISTEN

(to herself)

Oh, boy.

We see Kristen's braid. The braid is messy as the hair just doesn't seem like it wants to cooperate. Olivia undoes it. Olivia sighs.

KRISTEN

(annoyed)

What's wrong?

OLIVIA

It didn't look right. You're hair's not cooperating and I don't think the parts were—

KRISTEN

(groaning)

—Olivia, it doesn't have to be perfect.

OLIVIA

Too late now.

Kristen sighs. After Olivia restarts the braid, Kristen gets a text. Excited by the notification, she abruptly grabs it, causing Olivia to let go of Kristen hair. This ruins the briad.

OLIVIA

Kristen!

Kristen gets a text from Riley.

RILEY'S TEXT

I heard Josh really like Orange is the New Black (or any other inappropriate show for a preteen). Finish the season and you guys and talk about it. ;).

Kristen's face fills with giddy. She hops out of bed excited.

OLIVIA

Whoa, Kristen, what's the alarm?

KRISTEN

Oh, uh, I forgot a...thing. We can do braiding later.

Kristen back away toward the door.

OLIVIA

That's what you said a month ago. What is it that's so important?

(hurt)

KRISTEN

It's...uh...a show has released a new season and I want to watch it now.

OLIVIA

We can watch it together.

Olivia goes to look for her laptop.

OLIVIA

What's the show?

KRISTEN

Orange is the New Black

OLIVIA

Isn't that really inappropriate? I don't think you should be watching that.

KRISTEN

It's fine. Riley watches it.

OLIVIA

(mutters)

Of course Riley.

Kristen

What's you're problem with Riley? What do you even know about her?

OLIVIA

Just trust me. Don't hang out with girls like Riley.

KRISTEN

Geeze, Olivia, what else?

(mocking tone)

Don't eat too much candy. Don't stay up past you're bedtime. Don't go in a 40 foot radius of boys. Don't have a life.

Olivia

I'm not say that—

KRISTEN

You're saying everything else, though. Stop telling me what to do and making me go on awkward family outings.

Kristen untangles the progression of the braid by raking her hand through her hair quickly and storms off.

OLIVA

Kristen, wait.

Kristen blocks her ears with her hands.

Kristen makes it to her room, and before Olivia can reach her, the door slams in her face.

Silence once again.

Then shouting from downstairs.

MOM

(angry)

Get back here.

DAD

(angry)

Katherine, I'm not one of your high school student that will do whatever you say.

MOM

(warning)

Henry.

DAD

You know what. No. I can't do this anymore.

A door opens and slams. Mom sighs and stomps off.

Olivia leans against the wall and slides down, unwilling to move. She buries her face in her knees.

INT. HALL - DAY - WEEK LATER

Olivia is walking down the hall. She goes past Kristen's room. Kristen's door is open.

Olivia peeks inside.

INT. KRISTEN'S BEDROOM - DAY - continuous

Kristen is on her bed listening to music.

Kristen sees Olivia peeking in. Olivia tries to pretend like she wasn't checking up on, but Kristen sees Olivia in the doorway.

Kristen

Hey.

Olivia

Hey.

Awkward silence.

Olivia

Um, do you think we'll see mom more or dad?

Kristen

(sadly)

It's too early to know.

Olivia

Yeah, if it's based on closeness probably mom but money dad.

Awkward silence.

OLIVIA

.Well, I uh will see later. Olivia walks away, but Kristen calls to her.

KRISTEN

(sitting up)

Hey, can braid my hair?

Olivia reappears in the doorway. Kristen sits up and Olivia gets on the bed behind her and grabs Kristen's hair again, which is combed.

Olivia

There's this new type of braid I want to try.

KRISTEN

Sounds good.

Close up as Olivia braids her hair with two parts, and the braid is really coming together. 

Also if you have  better ideas for a title, suggest away.


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 9:44 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today. Also, this is the second script I have reviewed today, which is a rare occurrence on here.

First off, I really like the way you let your dialogue say so much with just a few words, as well as how the braid is going is pretty much symbolic for the status of their relationship throughout the story. It really makes it feel like their relationship has depth and you aren't overly spelling it out for the sake of the audience.

I love how it ends on such a quiet, but important moment, and how even though their parents are still getting divorced, they can find solace in each other for a short time. It's just a really sweet story.

However, there are times when I think you could still smooth some things out more. The fight with the parents and the jump to the parents getting divorced felt rather abridged and abrupt, and the confrontation about Riley felt slightly forced/cliche, mostly because we as readers never find out who Riley actually is or why Olivia has this opinion of her. And then the end, when she braids Kristen's hair, also feels somewhat abrupt and not set up properly, mostly because their earlier fight had nothing to do with their parents getting divorced. It just feels like there's something missing in the middle - maybe a scene where Olivia or Kristen are feeling very lonely but are still angry at each other and not willing to set their differences aside. Just something more to build up to the end.

That's what you said a month ago. What is it that's so important?

This was the only part of the story that actively confused me because I had no idea what she was referring to by "a month ago." Was that the last time she tried to braid her sister's hair? Why has it been a whole month since that happened? Why not just say "that's what you said last time"?

I don't think I have a suggestion for a title, but perhaps something that would tie in with the braid, as that's such an important symbol in the story. Maybe "Braided Together"? That's too obvious/cheesy, though.

And I think I'll leave it at that! I really enjoyed this little script, and I hope this review was helpful. Good luck and keep writing!




Redbox275 says...


Thank you for your review and like. It was very helpful. I am working on revising it now, but I think I'm making it worse....
It's okay. It'll get there.



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Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:49 am
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Jashael wrote a review...



Hey, Redbox275!

Jash here for a quick review.

Per request, I shall comment on grammar, the overall quality of the story, and characterization.

But first! Let me nitpick a bit on the mechanics:

We see OLIVIA ,17, prim, organized, and a bit of a control freak.


Delete space before comma and insert after.

She braidd her sister’s hair.


She is braiding or she braids.

htsnd back to feel her head,


Has?

Olivia wants to fill the silence, opening but closing her mouth at each attempt to connect with her, sister, who's on her phone.


Delete commas enclosing the word "sister."

You know dad. He'd rather see woman dance rather than underage girls.


This is a bit awkward for dialogue. Or maybe you'll just have to add to it a bit to make it clearer: "You know dad. He'd rather see FULL-GROWN WOMEN dance rather than underage girls." Or even without the modifier.

I don't think dad want to go especially for mom's sake.


Wants.

Beside mom and dad will be on other sides of the curtain.


Besides.

I heard Josh really like Orange is the New Black


Likes.

Don't go in a 40 foot radius of boys.


I'm confused with this line.

I'm not say that—


I'm not sayING that?

.Well, I uh will see later. Olivia walks away, but Kristen calls to her.


Delete period in the beginning of the sentence.

So that's about it for technicalities. Just take note of the noun and verb agreement thing, especially when the noun is singular (a mistake which you have repeated several times in this piece). Remember, in general, when the noun is singular or considered singular, the verb has an S, e.g., "he likeS."

Story-wise: I just wanted to comment on how I want to witness a more intense encounter between the married couple because I didn't so much feel that part. Maybe during Kristen and Olivia's hair braid session, we can hear the father and the mother yelling at each other in the background - perhaps a broken dish or so. I think that can help with a smoother flow of the escalation towards the climax, and it wouldn't seem as if you just wanted to show what the sisters were actually talking about.

Dialogue-wise: Already pretty good! But could be a bit smoother. Or spontaneous. Does that make sense? Haha. What I mean is sometimes we tend to forget that in real life dialogue is spontaneous, and if we focus too much on making things as "connected" as possible, we lose the realistic flow. I'm not saying be random; I'm just saying don't make it too obvious that you're "directing" the flow of the conversation. It's okay to make things "seem" random, though really it isn't.

I can insert my comment on the climax here as well. Say, instead of Olivia blurting out about the play, make a dish break in the background, then they stop and stare at each other to listen, then there maybe Olivia can start talking about their parents. I know you mean to show that the pending divorce is a matter that Olivia quite can't get out of her mind, so obviously, she can blurt it out to her sister in any way she wants in any given time; but that's a suggestion you should consider.

Character-wise: At first I think Riley is irrelevant. But then as the story goes on I understand that you've put it to compliment the character you want for Olivia. Olivia has this tendency to try and make everything work her way, which unfortunately isn't the case of reality. She is seen trying to control her sister and her parents, and Kristen's wild hair; and though she might have victory over the latter, she just wouldn't be able to demand that much from the people in her life as with the strands - a fact we can all relate to.

Overall: This is pretty good! And I like the metaphor of the whole braiding-hair session. I can't think of a better title because I think it already very much suits your piece.

Good job! Keep writing!

Jash x




Redbox275 says...


Thank you so much for the review! It was very insightful and helpful and I appreciate that you pointed all my sillly grammar mistakes. Also the suggested are very good too which I will take into consideration.



Jashael says...


You're very much welcome! I'm happy to hear I've helped! <3 Drop by my page whenever you need a review. I might be able to help again.

Jash x



Redbox275 says...


Thank you!



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Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:48 am
Jashael says...



If any mod stumbles upon this accidentally submitted comment, please kindly delete. Thank you.





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