I was born from an old journal
From broken Papermate pencils and Kodak Photos
I am from the middle of nowhere,
Secretive, hidden,
the air tastes of italian spiced.
I am from the Middlemist Red Flower,
Bursting with red, truly one of a kind.
I’m from kolaczki cookies and
That curly mess of blonde hair,
From parents names forged together
Into a single middle name, Maren.
I’m from pointless power struggle arguments
And family late night movies.
.
I was born from wild far away stories
And promises of an adventure.
I’m from the world that I can see in front of me,
Faith forms from my experience and from those around me.
Brought up by a sunny state,
Being polish overseas,
Hiding away from the reality.
I see the sister, who had the inability to walk.
Struggling against the pains of arthritis.
Forged from the father that keeps
All pain from his loss hidden,
Secretly missing his own.
He is seeing his father’s influence
everywhere he goes.
I hide in dusty old bucks. Tucked away
In a scrapbook on a random bookshelf.
The edges of photo paper feel thin, ripping at any second.
Page after page filled with memories long forgotten.
Memories that have just faded away.
.
I am made from anxiety,
And the fear of ending up alone,
With the sense of being forgotten.
I live in fantasies,
Playing the game of “what if’s”
And dream to change the world.
I am shaped from neverending scars,
Simple experiences that change me
I am from memories long ago,
falling hopelessly in love,
No longer living in a past
Which tries to drown me.
I am the lost seed,
Rushed off by the wind,
Just looking for a home.
I am in a form constantly changing,
regrowing on this unknown family tree.
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141,258 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
This is so powerful, and really let me get to know you throughout what you said in this piece. It shows the sadness, the good and the bad of being who you are. It shows inside of a family and their struggles through the eyes of one member and how they feel about it. There is such imagery and I see this poem in my head like a movie.
Nice.
I think you have a lot good going on with this poem. You've got a good subject, and a good way of writing it. You don't focus on the stuff that makes the speaker the same as everyone else, but things that can identify them as unique, things that actually make them who they are. Considering that's the subject of the poem, individuality, I think you could continue going in this direction and really push those boundaries to make it the best that it can be.
The few downsides I have with this poem are rather small. First, you're not consistent with your punctuation and capitalization. Sometimes you do capitalize the first letter of each sentence, sometimes you don't. For instance, "falling hopelessly" is not capitalized, but even though there is no period, "No longer living" actually is just the next line down.
It's okay to take out capitalization at the beginning of sentences, but you've got to be consistent about it either way. Don't do it sometimes and not other times unless you want that line to stand out like a sore thumb.
That being said, you also have sparsely lacking commas at the end of lines. Personally I think end punctuation looks a bit tacky and breaks up the reading of the poem so I'd lean towards taking out a good 80% of it on this poem and just let the line break make the reader pause as they read the sentences naturally, but that's up to you. If you want to leave it as it is, you may wish to double check exactly which sentences do not have a comma at the end, or use some enjambment to make this poem seem shorter because of the longer lines.
Aside from that, I think you've got a lot of promise. Keep writing!
Thank you for your help!
I really do apreciate it. I know I have never been great with grammar, so any help you give me is amazing. As for the capitalization I thought I had gone back and fixed that? oops .. it's really late where I am so this is basically just word vomit. It is also possible that I uploaded the wrong version of this.... that would be really awkward.. but thank you again and hope I can hear some more suggestions from you soon
I.....um, I just, really don't know whether to sound perky in my greeting, or something, because your poem hit me....hard.....right in the feels.
So, I'll just say "Hi", and let you decide my emotion for me. :3
But, seriously, with your poem, I felt a kind of remembrance as to what makes up my life, and everyone else's. Such as what we see, our experiences, our parents and ancestors, and, really, just our emotions. So, I applaud you, and your skills, for crafting this beautiful and realistic writing of how much of the things in life define us, and who we are. I really hope to see more of your work, poem or not, and....just keep being you.
Have a nice evening!, :3
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