This just popped into my head right now...So here you go! Please review!
Passing
Time is going,
flowing by.
And if you try to catch it,
Ever will you lose.
In the end.
Life wasn't meant
to be caged
and bent
to the wills
of those it controls.
Even if we think it was.
But
We can't understand that,
seemingly.
Because that's what we do:
Stay in control.
Unknowingly,
we lose ourselves
to change.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,407 Literary Works • 672,554 Reviews
Hey Classy,
I want to start off by saying that I really loved this poem. A very good effort for a poem off the top of your head!
One critique, I dont like the line spacing, it throws me off in some places then i have to re read. Pauses where there shouldnt be, such as
"Life wasn't meant
to be caged
and bent
to the wills
of those it controls."
It seems a little choppy, maybe just edit it so it flows a little better.
Also, i think the word seemingly is not needed. It looks like you are trying to fill space and the poem would work fine without it
Having said that i loved the lines
"And if you try to catch it,
Ever will you lose.
In the end."
To me it says 'if you try to make up for lost time it will be the death of you, so move on and make the most of the time you have left' and it is a perfect way to live life. In the now.
Thankyou for writing this. Loved reading it and keep on writing!!
Hope this helped
Azz
Thanks for the reviews! I made of few of the edits you suggested...
Hiya! Classy here, as requested! Let us get started here...
About your last two lines: Do we all really not know we're controlling ourselves? I know I am. I am trying to figure out if you meant this poem to be in a biblical sense, because if so, those last two lines would make sense, as in God or Fate is controlling us? But if not, I think you should rethink your last two lines. You know, figure them out for yourself what they mean.
So these lines confused me. Are you trying to say, "Everyone will lose in the end?"
If so, you need to make ever everyone, and instead of a period after lose, a comma. I can't figure out any other meaning for those lines.
For a poem off the top of your head, just as Fiction said, this is cute! I love hearing other's concepts of time. It is such a mysterious thing, you know?
I think since you started out in the concept of time, though, you should end with it, too.
Very well done! I liked this.
Be seeing you around,
Classy
That poem was ok for being one that just popped out of your head.
Mabye you should say something like "you will always loose".I would change..
I like that the poem made me think.
I hope that helps.
Fiction