This is the first poetry that I've written in quite awhile...any feedback is much appreciated! I haven't done a lot of editing on it yet, so I might make a few changes of my own yet.
Certitudes
There are certain obligations
that he is disinclined to fulfill.
Conformity isn't his style,
you see.
You could try, I suppose,
to make him see "reason".
Although that would be your
point of view.
You could tell him,
in your infinite wisdom,
that he reads too much,
that he lives in worlds not his own.
To which he might respond,
"What, like yours?"
You might inform him that he
needs to work out, build his body up.
Impress girls.
A scoff,
"And who says I don't? And why girls?"
It is possible that you might even say,
"Get a life."
But he has one, you see, though
of course, you don't see.
One with friends (you?) and family
and events.
But.
But, you, and others,
have introduced uncertainty.
Is he reading too much?
Should he think more about
Reality?
A daily run, suddenly,
is not enough,
"And what do I like, anyway?"
By saying that he doesn't have one,
you have made his life not his own.
Rather, something not his to choose.
He knows, but doesn't know, and
does nothing. Though it is wrong,
he feels.
And through the rain
of the past, all of the former
pleasures and successes.
Through the bogging mud
of overwhelming pressure,
he sees you.
A single thought.
"What have you done?"
Because you have changed everything,
by trying to make something better
that did not need your improvement.
And here I am with your second review-gift, Redbird! What I really like about this poem is the clarity of your message. I know exactly what you want to say to the reader. You make the situation of this character really clear, from the beginning all the way through the end.
I wonder, though. What do you think makes a piece of prose different from a poem? Do you think this is a poem:
This is the opening to Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis, which is prose, and I just stuck in some line breaks. Personally (and your definition of poetry can be personal!) I don't think it's a poem. I think there's a necessary difference in tone to make a true poem. Prose can explore an issue straightforward and say what is there. Poetry can come at an issue sideways and try to bring understanding there. Like, if it's trying to access a difficult, complicated issue like the one you present in this piece, it might not tell the story, but a story that refers to the emotions or a similar situation, so it's easier for readers who have not experienced peer pressure to understand.
If you believe line breaks make a poem, then you have one. It lacks vivid, imagery-evoking words, but if that's your definition. It's not mine, and so I say you have to look at this philosophy from a different angle. Tilt your head a little. Come at it from around a corner, or with a blanket between you and it and see how it feels that way.
Hopefully this makes sense. Feel free to PM me if it doesn't.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hey Redbird, Black here for a quick Review Day Review!
First off, nice work. You worked your theme and idea into the story nice and linearly, with good wording, good pacing, and a very odd, though interesting style. Good work for sure. Your grasp of punctuation especially impressed me. I enjoyed it. Your grammar and spelling both were very nice. Your theme was well laid out and developed. The idea was well done. If you have any problems they're these: You use, if possible, TOO much punctuation. Your pace is as slow and boring as possible. The whole thing isn't really catching. And it reads really slow and jerkily.
Okay, so I'll try to show you exactly what I mean, and see what I can do about helping you to fix the problems. First off I really want to stress how slowly and jerkily this reads. I mean, I can make it read fairly smoothly if I read your writing really slowly. Like 'that . . . . did . . . . . not need . . . . . your improvement.' Really slow. Look at this example:
Besides the fact that the 'r' on 'Reality' should be a small one, this stanza/set of lines, is really, really, really slow reading. And its boring. Personally I'd use some rhyme to spice it up a bit, but that's probably just me. You may want to just re-write it with less punctuation and simpler, better wording. To generally solve this problem you really need to get a habit of reading your poetry aloud to yourself. Making sure to use punctuation properly.
Oh, sorry, it turns out I'm going to have to cut this review short. Remember to fix up the pace! Make it more interesting! Goodbye for now, and good luck!
Remember to KEEP WRITING! Or you will not improve!
~Black~
Hello Red, jordin here for a review for you that I am sorry may be small.
First after a period you put a space secound I think you are using way too complicated words it makes less sense.Hope this helps buddy.
Okay you wrote the 'you see.' like you had something to write after that but then boom you went to 'You could try, I suppose,' and you don't capitalize after commas.
Now the 'Although' should be cut out I think it makes this sound very wrong.
Okay again this really does not make sense "What, like yours?" I think that is the wrong wording.
This is now sounding like random words and letters.
Okay the way you wrote part of this was like you were telling someone how to cook Like you might put in a egg or maybe you could put a dab of potato oil in that fried chicken and so on it is a little strange.
Overall good job although it was a little strange.
Keep writing and good luck. XD
Hope this helped.
~Jon~
Hello there ! Speakerskat here to review for the Tsiunami Tyrants!
Oh my... just wow. I couldn't stop thinking about this one kid from my school...it describes him a lot and prehaps me as well ...maybe I am like this poem..?
Very good and exceptionally thought provoking . I wish it flowed a little better and rolled off my tounge a little smoother if you know what I mean? It was a lot like playing music, but you kept playing in the rests and breathing during a whole note, cuting it short and taking away potential. As a flute and future French Horn player ..and poet, I am quite guilty of this and wish I could heed my own advice. I wouldn't say chopy because it was to insightful to be called choppy.... I liked it alot and I loved how it spoke about the truths in human flaws and things we over look and take for granted sometimes. We need to stop nagging our friends and just slow down and take time to appericate them more sometimes. It kind of makes me look and second guess all the stuff I have said to my friends when I was mad or maybe just joking around but maybe they didn't take it that way. Or maybe when they were mad and I thought they ment things they really didn't or jealous or just playing around...Why do people have to bve so complex? Why can't friends just support one another instead of all this thoughtless ridicule or meainingless rough housing?
Really the best most insightful poem thus far!
Keep it up
~Speakerskat