z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

We do not ride. We dance.

by RebelWriter


I do not ride. I dance. I do ballet. Swan Lake defines my language and my life. The bend of my body and lithe movements of my arms is how I speak. With my eyes closed and the music playing I am taken to a new world away from Earth. I do not ride, I dance, and yet here I am standing beside  a horse about to perform for thousands. The horse is an Arabian. She is a chestnut of the reddest red and her name is Crown Jewel but I call her Ruby. She is just as lithe and smooth as I am. Her neck is arched and smooth like a swan's. Her head is small but intelligent with eyes pooling with knowledge. Ruby's coat looks like flames bursting with passion. 

Her neck is arched beautifully in a display of pride as she bows on one leg. I dip my head and curtsey back to her. The tune to the NutCracker begins playing signaling our time to start. On my toes on dance in a circle around Ruby. She nods her head and watches me move. When I've completed a full circle I bow and she begins to dance. Her hooves go up and down one at a time in a fluid motion as she prances around me. My left foot is dug in the ground while I pivot to watch her. The tempo picks up and Ruby slips into a canter. Once. Twice. She passes me, head and tail high, at a floating canter. Her hooves kick up small clouds of dust. Ruby tosses her head in a display of arrogance. Her eyes say my very thought. We do not ride. We dance. 

She looks beautiful with the light hitting her coat causing it to glow a vibrant red. Ruby's mane flops up and down with her movement. Sweat glistens like little diamonds all over her coat. Black hooves show like onyx and the white star on her head sparkles brightly.The fifth time she passes me, I skip and jump and run beside her. My legs match her front legs so we look like a girl and horse glued to each other. I casually grasp her mane in my left hand, jump once. Twice. Then I'm on her back. Her movement beneath me is like a rushing river. Power and energy, flow rapidly beneath me. We do not ride. We dance. 

Lying down on her back I brace my palms against her hips. They move back and forth in harmony. If she were a woman she'd be perfect. Her legs stretch out and in. They pull ground to her. She manipulates the Earth to do her bidding.I cross my legs over her neck and arch my back. Ruby is still cantering but I feel her slow down slightly for me. We round a corner at the same time I push up hard into a handstand on her back. Keeping balance I slowly move up from her butt to her back where I stay. The crowd is cheering wildly for us now. I move my legs back behind my head and stand on her back. My arms are spread like eagles wings my smile brighter than the Sun. My hair whips back and forth wildly filling me with excitement. WE DO NOT RIDE.WE DANCE! 

Opening my legs I sit on her withers. Ruby never misses a beat. She knows this song like you know yourself. Her blood pumps fast and hot through her veins beneath me. I can feel Ruby's every breath and every tremor of excited enter. She knows. This is out final act we must do it right. I hook my right arm around her neck and swing beneath her. My legs are tucked beneath her chin as I hold on with my right arm and wave with my left. The crowd is standing and cheering now. A gentle tug on her mane and Ruby slows to a stop. My feet touch the ground and Ruby and I bow simultaneously to the crowd. It is the quiet before the story. Calm. Soft. A gentle hum. Then suddenly the crowd explodes like thunder. Their claps echo through the arena. Our heads are high as roses get thrown down to us. Ruby's coat glistens like jewels and my eyes sparkle with diamonds. 

We do not ride. We dance. 


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130 Reviews


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Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:39 pm
Em101cats wrote a review...



Hello! I am Em101Cats, here to review your lovely work! Happy review day, as well!

I enjoyed a lot about this work, especially the rhythmic repetition of "We do not ride. We dance."

Some things I found that you could tweak:

AA gentle hum.


Believe me, we all do this, and are as oblivious that we did it as a grizzly bear in hibernation! :P Just take out an A, and you'll have it right.

Also, in the few sentences before that, you repeat quiet twice:
It is the quiet before the story. Calm. Quiet.


Perhaps for some variety you could change the second quiet to another word, like "Soft" or something, or remove it. Just a suggestion, so feel free to leave it the way it is if you find there's no other way that you want it. This is your work, after all.

Like @Meandbooks mentioned, there were a few comma mistakes; just go through and find them. We all make typos and mistakes, so don't feel bad. Hey, I am the worst at show-not-tell, so hear me now: We all have imperfections.

After fixing a few things, your work will be spotless! You did wonderful with this!

Keep up the amazing writing!
~Em101Cats~




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128 Reviews


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Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:05 am
fantasydragon01 wrote a review...



Fantasydragon01 in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great job on the story. It was well-written."We do not ride. We dance". It has a nice ring to it. Good job on the title. I also like your choice of words.
However, yes that big, fat 'however', I found the story sort of boring. I only understand that the story is about someone on a horse. That is about it. I saw some punctuation errors. I do not think I can name them, but please look at your story and really notice the missing or added comma or period or space.
I found one other mistake.
"...here I am standing be side a horse..." should really be
"...here I am standing beside a horse..."
Watch out for the extra space between words.
Also, you should really put into consideration what this story means. What it is trying to say. Does it have any meaning. Think deep and see. This story has lots of potential. Maybe it could be an idea for a novel.

Never give up. Your writing is good. Just keep practicing.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.




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Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:51 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! This is a really pretty description piece. I haven't really heard of a horse and rider dancing, and now I want to go see that.

I love the repetition of "We do not ride. We dance." It's really lyrical and makes it sound pretty.

I love your description. A few points to make it better:

1. You focus on the narrator a bit much. This is only natural, but try to describe other things than the narrator's actions. Perhaps describe the way Ruby's hoofs kick up dust, or the sound of the crowd cheering or in hushed silence. Paint a clearer picture for us that extends beyond just the narrator.

2.

The horse is an Arabian. She is a chestnut of the reddest red and her name is Crown Jewel but I call her Ruby. She is just as lithe and smooth as I am.

This is far too passive. Don't tell us that she is an Arabian, show us how her Arabian heritage shows through her long, slender legs and graceful neck. Show how the sunlight glints off her red coat. If you have to, leave the naming how it is, but try to slip it into a sentence somewhere instead.


3. You have a lot of typos, mostly related to commas. I'm going to go through a few of them and fix them for you. Fixes are bolded.

With my eyes closed and the music playing, I am taken to a new world away from Earth. I do not ride, I dance, and yet here I am standing beside a horse about to perform for thousands.


She looks beautiful with the light hitting her coat, causing it to glow a vibrant red. The fifth time she passes me, I skip and jump and run beside her.


There are several more similar ones. Make sure you catch them all.

Finally, I'd recommend varying the length of your paragraphs. Right now they're all about the same length, and it would help if you broke up the narrator's actions a bit more.

Good luck and keep writing!





Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson