z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Eclipse: Chapter 2, Archway to a New World

by RealSadhours296


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Chapter #2: Archway to a New World

Aden and Brian eventually reached the end of the stairs. They entered a room more spacious than the one they left behind.

To the right, Brian noted another flight of stairs leading back up. The stairs must connect to the right staircase that was ignored earlier.

At the center of the room, there was a large, beautifully designed fountain. Diantha was leaning against the basin that held all the water together.

She trailed her fingers through the water, admiring the geometric designs engraved on the marble. As Brian and Aden caught up to Diantha, she heard their footsteps and glinted at them. “About time you caught up! We were waiting for you!” She exclaimed as she sat down on the basin of the fountain. “This place is…beautiful. It almost makes me not want to leave!”

Brian glowered at Diantha’s comment. A sheepish smile spread across her face. “…Almost.” She corrected herself.

Aden's eyes were fixated at the fountain in awe. He let go of Brian’s sleeve and rushed towards the basin, poking the water with caution. He jerked his hand away in shock at the biting cold that greeted him. “Esta helando!” He muttered to himself.

Diantha giggled. “It’s pretty cold. Give it some time and you’ll be able to twirl your hand in there no problem-”

“Diantha, we don’t got time for this. Where’s Noriko? We need to get outta here.” Brian did think the fountain looked pretty cool, but they don’t need distractions right now. The four of them need to get help.

Diantha loured at Brian but nonetheless, she didn’t argue. “Noriko’s studying the four statues to the right. She was just…'entranced' by it…if that’s the right word.” She pointed to the right of her. "I tried to call for her but I don't think she can hear me. I was going to go over there before you two caught up but I…kind of don't want to. Could you do it for me Brian?" Diantha begged; her eyes briefly glanced to the side, eyeing what she feared. "I don't like how the statues make me feel."

Brian followed Diantha’s finger, beholding the four ginormous statues she was talking about. Each of the statues had an altar in front of them, presenting various shiny objects. Noriko herself was in front of the rightmost one.

"…Aight, but you owe me one." Brian sighed out. Diantha clasped her hands together and thanked Brian with a wide smile.

He cautiously strode towards Noriko and studied her face. Her walnut eyes stared at the statues in a seeming daze.

The four statues were all androgynous beings with no mouths and a large gem on some part of their body. They didn't wear any clothes, just jewelry, and a lot of it too.

Interestingly enough, the gems on their forehead, hands, or naval were shaped and colored similar to the symbols on that tapestry they passed through.

As for the style of the statues, well, they weren’t very detailed. The statues were almost minimalistic in a way, yet they conveyed a sense of overwhelming depth. It was freaking him out, how they almost seemed to draw him in.

After a few moments, Brian cleared his throat to gain Noriko’s attention. The sudden noise snapped Noriko out of her trance; she squeaked and twitched, completely startled. It was the first time Brian had seen an expression that wasn’t overwhelmingly blank on Noriko's face.

Noriko composed herself when she realized it was just Brian. She bowed respectfully to him. “Ah, I apologize for running off and leaving you and Aden behind.”

“Don’t feel sorry for somethin' so small. You didn’t do anythin’ wrong.” Brian was confused by Noriko’s unnecessary apology, but he quickly let it go. Instead, he glanced up at the statue she was staring at so intently. “Geez, these things are psychin’ me out. What drew you to them?”

Noriko shrugged at his question. “…It is rather strange. I feel some sort of connection with that statue.” She whispered.

“Wha’d’ya mean?” Brian was intrigued by the odd answer. He raised an eyebrow at Noriko and pursued his lips.

Noriko raised her hand towards her forehead, the same spot where a purple gem was embedded on the statue. “…I do not know.” She replied, parting her straight bangs.

There was silence between Brian and Noriko. The only sounds that could be heard were Aden and Diantha's distant chatter.

“…’The fuck?” Brian finally gasped.

Noriko disapproved of Brian’s choice of words. “Excuse me?”

Brian pointed at her forehead; he was stupefied, his mouth agape in bewilderment. Noriko poked her forehead and widened her eyes when she felt not the warmth and softness of skin, but something cold and angular that she could outline with her fingers; it was square in shape.

Something was embedded in her forehead.

Noriko breathed in and out. Don’t freak out! Don’t freak out! “…W-what is it?” She asked faintly, her voice wavering.

“It’s a gem, I think? Like the one on the statue you've been staring at. It’s purple and has some sort o' metal rim ‘round it.” Brian had stopped pointing but definitely didn’t stop staring.

Noriko’s eyes shot open. “Brian, look at the back of your hands.”

It was an odd, demanding request, but a request Brian fulfilled anyways. He looked at the back of his left hand. Nothing seemed abnormal about the appendage.

When he raised his right hand, he was aghast at the blue, triangle-shaped gem embedded at the back. He never noticed it amid their stressful circumstances, until now at least.

“…H…how’d you…“ He couldn’t finish his question he was so baffled.

Noriko did not reply; instead, she pointed her finger at one of the other statues. Brian's eyes followed Noriko’s finger. He found a similar-colored gem on the right hand of the statue.

Brian's heart stopped beating.

What the fuck was going on?

His fear, his worry, it mixed and transformed into rage, a wave of rage so intense he lost all sense of reason and punched one of the altars nearby to let off steam.

When logic came back to him, he regretted his action. He expected his fist to be greeted with a stinging pain at any moment; he did punch marble after all.

But he hardly felt any pain at all. All he heard were cracks and the shifting of…sand?

Peeking open an eye, Brian discerned Noriko’s wary stare. She slowly backed away from him and hugged herself protectively. Her reaction was unlike the calm and fearless lady she had portrayed herself as so far.

Then, Brian switched his attention to the fist he had punched the altar with. He was confused. Why wasn’t he collapsed on the floor, screaming every curse word in existence?

Out of the corner of his eye, he noted the altar was no longer there. At least, that’s what he thought at first. Squinting downwards, he saw the crumbled and cracked remains of the altar; its collection of jewelry and other shiny objects were strewn about the floor.

He completely decimated the altar with one punch.

He glanced at his right fist again; the gem embedded on the back was glowing.

Holy fuck! What was going on with him?!

Hurried footsteps dragged his attention away from his fist and to the right, where Aden and Diantha came running. “Holy shit!” Diantha muttered under her breath; a mixture of horror and awe filled in her tone. Aden hid behind her, peeking at Brian timidly.

“I-I didn’t…!” He trailed off, staring at his shaking, dust-covered fist. “I didn’t mean to do that! I…how?”

Noriko relaxed her muscles at the insecurity in Brian’s voice. “I am…not sure. I figured you would know, considering you destroyed the altar after all.” She placed her hand over his fist and lowered it down.

Noriko’s low tone drained some of the tension in Brian’s shoulders. The gem’s blue glow dimmed to nothing. “Well I don’t. I didn’t even know I could do that. I…What the hell is this…!?” he struggled to form a cohesive thought; a thousand questions piled up as he continued to gawp at the gem on his hand.

Meanwhile, another realization suddenly occurred to Noriko. “Aden, Diantha, please check your left hand and your naval.” She commanded softly.

Diantha and Aden did as Noriko told them and checked the mentioned spots. Much to Aden’s concern, he found a red circle-shaped gem on his hand. Diantha, to her shock, found a pink diamond-shaped gem on her navel.

“What is…how…?” Diantha muttered to herself in confusion, lowering her pink sweater back down. Aden’s concern morphed into innocent curiosity. He distractedly poked and prodded at his gem.

Noriko placed her hand over her face, her eyes tightening and her shoulders stiffening in thought. Eventually, she breathed in deeply, let out a quiet sigh, and resumed a calm facade. “…I…believe it would be best if we think about this later. This has been enough of a distraction already; we should resume searching for an exit.”

Diantha and Brian, after a moment of thought, reluctantly nodded. They needed to get out of this place.

Noriko and Brian passed through another tapestry and coursed through the hallway across from the stairs they descended earlier. Diantha pushed her hand through the curtains, but turned back to the statues, noticing that Aden was still standing in the same spot. He was too distracted by his gem to realize that he had nearly been abandoned.

“Aden!” Diantha called out. Aden let out a startled whimper and turned to Diantha, who beckoned him with her hands. “We need to get going now, come on!” She urged with a friendly smile.

“…Oh! Ok!” Aden’s rain boots pitter-pattered across the floor as he bounded to Diantha. Without much consideration, he clutched onto Diantha’s arm, although she didn’t seem to mind.

Noriko and Brian were waiting for the two by another set of stairs. Like before, one led to the left, and another led to the right.

Once Diantha and Aden had caught up, Noriko gave her suggestion. “Perhaps down the right this time.” She decided. “Is everyone in agreement?”

No one spoke against the verdict, so the group of four went down the right staircase; they huddled together as they crept closer and closer to the end of the stairs.

At the final step, they came upon an even larger room that was almost the size of a football field. The entire room was filled with abandoned market stands, old and decaying from age.

The quartet huddled together, shuffling through the empty marketplace; each stand was discomforting to the eye. The place felt ancient and untouched by a human soul for centuries.

“…Wait, is that…?” Brian pointed ahead to a large archway, showcasing the star-speckled night sky.

The four teenagers raced to the archway, ignoring their eerie surroundings as they sped past the market stalls. Diantha was abnormally faster than the others; Brian, who was already many feet ahead of Noriko and Aden, was suddenly miles behind Diantha. She passed through the archway, clasping onto her knees and as she caught her breath. A faint glow emitted from under her sweater.

Brian decided that was another thing to put in the 'what the hell' jar.

Noriko and Aden fell on their knees and gasped for lost breath as they passed through the archway. Brian himself only needed a moment's rest to recover before he caught up with Diantha, who was standing near the edge of the platform under their feet.

Luckily, the platform had a long set of stairs they could descend to reach the ground. That was good.

What wasn’t good was that they seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. There were pine trees everywhere they looked, and there was lots and lots of snow. The freezing forest showed no signs of stopping; it continued on and on into the horizon.

Brian’s discouragement grew on his face; just great.

Aden and Noriko recovered from the race and lifted themselves off the ground. Noriko nearly lost her footing, but Aden caught her just in time and helped her to her feet. The two legged towards the ledge to view what Brian and Diantha saw.

“Oh no. We seem to be in a taiga,” Noriko muttered, a hint of worry in her tone.

“A taiga?” Brian turned to Noriko and tilted his head. He didn’t understand her worry, it was just a snowy forest.

“Yes, a taiga. Some can get as cold as -50° Celsius, although the average is about -10°."

"In Fahrenheit, that is…?"

Diantha rolled her eyes. "Around -58° to 14°. You're from the USA, aren't you?"

Brian placed his hands on his hips. "I don't know? The US ain't the only country that uses Fahrenheit, right?"

"Yes it is." Noriko, Diantha, and Aden corrected simultaneously.

"But that's beside the point." Noriko changed the subject. "The point is none of us are wearing any sort of winter gear, and we are in an environment that can give us hypothermia."

“Y-yeah. It’s certainly not very warm, that’s for sure.” Diantha stated the obvious, clinging onto her arms and shaking from the cold. Brian definitely agreed. Although it probably wasn't 'in the negatives' cold, hell, it probably wasn't too far below 30° Fahrenheit, but it still felt freezing outside. He almost didn’t notice that he, too, was shaking from the frigid air that blew against his body.

Noriko sighed in defeat “We should go back inside. It is far too cold to leave right now, but it might warm up in the morning-”

“No way!” Brian interrupted Noriko with a shout. Go back inside the white, creepy temple they just awoke from? He would rather turn into an icicle! “Nuh-uh! I ain’t goin’ back in there!” Brian's animated arms flopped to his side. "Besides, we don’t know if this place is actually abandoned. Who knows what’s still lurkin’ inside that we were lucky enough to avoid!”

“But ‘whatever is still lurking in there’ is only a possibility. We could certainly handle this weather right now, but what about later in the night? What if it starts snowing? We won’t have a shelter to go to once we stray far enough from this place-”

“Nope! Not doin’ it! Y’all go ahead and stay if you want, but I’m gettin’ the hell up outta here!” Brian stomped away in a huff. He ignored Noriko and Diantha’s protests and descended the lengthy stairway to the ground.

As he marched on, Brian's mind wandered. He thought of the events that had just occurred so far: waking up in a strange place surrounded by people he didn’t know? Finding out he could crack a piece of marble into dust with his fist alone? Finding some weird gem on the back of his hand?

Yeah, Brian doesn’t want to deal with anything involving that temple anymore. He just wants to find the nearest bed to sleep in and call it a night.

…The others don’t matter! He doesn’t care about them! He hardly knows them! It’s their choice if they want to be dumbasses!

Brian doesn’t care!

He doesn't care one bit…!

…Brian reached the last step and placed his feet firmly on the stiff earth. For some reason, he couldn’t help but look back.

He wasn’t worried about the others! He was…just…

Aden stood only a few steps behind him, shaking like a leaf, and giving him a soft smile.

“…What’re ya doin’?” Brian finally queried after a long silence. He was completely bemused.

“Following you,” Aden answered bluntly, skipping down the last steps and landing on the ground in front of Brian.

“…Why though?” Brian had to strain his neck to address Aden; they were so short that the top of their head reached Brian's shoulders.

“You are just frighten, right?”

It took Brian a good few seconds to understand the mess that was that sentence. “No, ‘course not.” He denied, trying to ignore Aden’s piercing gaze. “I’m just followin’ my gut is all, and my gut is tellin’ me that stayin’ in that building is bad news.”

“Well, but…” Aden said after a few moments of pondering. “You don’t want the loneliness, right?”

…Brian refused to answer that question; Instead, he eyed Aden’s face. He could practically smell their fear; Aden broke his gaze to glance at the ominous forest near them every few seconds.

“Dude, if you don’t want to go into the forest with me ya don’t have to,” Brian growled brusquely and scowled at Aden. “I don’t need your pity-”

“But you have given me so much of the kindness! I need to repay you somehow!” Aden exclaimed, his tone laced with guilt. “If I were to go to the forest, I would be frighten! I would not want to give you the loneliness in there!”

…Brian…smiled at the guy…just once? “What about Diantha and Noriko? ‘Ain’t you worried about them?”

“I am worried, but Noriko and Diantha have each other.”

“…Why’re you doin’ this? You don’t know me.”

“Yes I do!” Aden’s smile was sickeningly bright. “I know that you a person filled with kindness. You gave the kindness to me after all!”

…This guy is way too trusting.

All of a sudden a familiar feminine voice cried both of their names. Brian and Aden spun to the stairway to find an energetic Diantha a few steps away, along with a reluctant Noriko close behind her.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 49988
Reviews: 701

Donate
Thu Jul 29, 2021 8:32 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!
First of all, this chapter actually has many grammatical mistakes. However, those can be fixed with a good editor as you yourself told. So, I am reviewing only the plot and the character development.
Plot
It was another interesting chapter with some more twists. The statues seem to be something. Obviously, it's still unknown what those are but seems like those are the representation of something, maybe four magical kingdoms or whatever it maybe. Then comes those gems. I guess those are just parts of those statues, whatever they are representing. Maybe those gems are symbols or identity cards like things given to people of whatever they are representing. There were some changes seen in the characters. I deduce those changes like Diantha running very fast(She is represented as a typical feminine nature, so.. it's kind of not usual) and also Noriko being mesmerized by the statues are due to the gems. Now, talking about whether to stay or leave, I do think that it was better to stay because if the cold really increases, they can freeze and... putting a full stop to everything. However, the people appear to be leaving because Diantha's shout was probably because she wanted to go with them. The only one left is Noriko. Probably, she will not stay alone and will decide to go with them. The chapter promises some thrilling adventure along with many mysteries and questions unanswered.
Characters
you have succeeded to create unique characters. The dialogues can be well understood without seing who is the speaker. It's really hard to do but congratulations, till now, you have Done a great job. So, here is a very short analysis of the characters.
NorikoShe is vey much the same as she was in the first chapter. She still appears to be a decent character and also sophisticated. She has knowledge and ideas about kind of a lot of things.
Brian In this chapter, the character of Brian kind of becomes more aggressive and he seems to be a not-so-good fellow. However, reasons matter. Maybe he was in an environment which affected him. His behaviour actually speaks of his past more than the others. And did I tell in the first chapter that he can after all be the villain here. He, most probably, has an underlying kind nature which is manifested by Aden's behaviour. so, maybe he will change in the future.
Talking about the others, I didn't notice much change in their characters.Aden, as the first chapter, appears to be nervous but kind and grateful towards Brian for helping. And Diantha also appears to be of the same feminine nature except that run.
Overall, a great job with everything- pacing, characters,plot, etc. I will get to the next chapter very soon.
Keep writing!
~Forever




User avatar
243 Reviews


Points: 22588
Reviews: 243

Donate
Sat Jun 26, 2021 8:43 pm
Spearmint wrote a review...



Hiya, mint here with a review! ^-^ I've been enjoying reading along as you post these chapters, but I figured I'd start reviewing them as well~ so yeah, let's get started!

Like chi mentioned in the previous review, I thought the descriptions you start off with are wonderful-- they provide enough information for the readers to be able to visualize the scene, without overwhelming us with excessive details. Nice job with that! C: I was also intrigued by the fact that each of these characters has a certain connection with a particular statue; there definitely seems to be something mysterious going on here, and I'm excited to find out what it is!

There's just one critique I have, which is your use of the semicolon. I'm rather a fan of it too, but I feel like in some of the places you use it, it could be replaced with a comma or a period instead. For example, this sentence could probably use a comma: "She trailed her fingers through the water; admiring the designs on the marble."
I'm definitely not a grammar expert or anything, but generally I feel like semicolons are only used to separate two phrases that could be sentences by themselves, like in this sentence: "Noriko did not reply; instead, she pointed to one of the other statues." Here, "Noriko did not reply" and "Instead, she pointed to one of the other statues" would each make sense by themselves, and using the semicolon just makes it flow a little better. So I'm like 99% sure you used it correctly here :D
Okay, hopefully that made some sense ^^' I could definitely be wrong about something here, but I just think it'd be awesome for you to maybe look a little more into semicolon grammar and keep it in mind! I feel like using the semicolon correctly could help your story flow a lot smoother and make it even better than it currently is! :]

Alright, moving on...

Noriko composed herself when she saw it was only Brian who had alerted her. She bowed to him. “Ah, I’m sorry for running off and leaving you and Aden behind.”

Brian was confused by Noriko’s unnecessary apology. “Don’t feel sorry for something so small. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I feel like this part showed off Noriko's and Brian's personalities really well. ^-^ Noriko seems so polite, and she definitely feels like level-headed leader material! I think you do a great job making each character feel distinct and real.

So, it appears that Brian got super-strength in his right arm (and something about smelling fear too? hmm), Diantha got super-speed, and I'm assuming Noriko has some power related to her brain? It doesn't seem to be stated explicitly here... I'm also wondering what Aden's power is... Well, you've definitely got me hooked! I'm looking forward to learning more about these characters and why exactly they're here :D
I hope you keep writing, and have a wonderful day/night!! =D






Thank you for your review! I'm glad you're enjoying this so far!

Please, feel free to comment on any of my future works if you'd like. Review or not, people insights and encouragement really help me stay motivated to work on this little thing I've created.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to keep an eye on the semicolons more. I've also been using em dashes recently and they're so useful for certain situations. Thanks for reminding me!

Again, thank you for reading and expressing your thoughts! I noticed you've given each of my chapters a star. Hopefully I can keep up the qualities of the chapters to get you to keep doing that! ^o^



Spearmint says...


Thank you for the reply!! It always brings a smile to my face to know my reviews are being read ^-^ I'll definitely be reviewing future chapters as well, and ooh yes, em dashes can be super useful! Good luck with your writing!! =D



User avatar
218 Reviews


Points: 85
Reviews: 218

Donate
Thu Jun 24, 2021 2:49 am
creaturefeature wrote a review...



Hi there! I don't think we've ran into each other yet, so nice to meet you!

I admit, I jumped into the story without reading the previous chapter. Since everything is still pretty early on, I should find it easy to fit into the storyline. If I get confused at some point about something, forgive me please haha.

Now into the contents of the chapter, using the character review method~

I love the descriptions used towards the beginning! They really add a cool effect to everything because of how real the details sound, like with the fountain and even how the characters do specific movements. Having just read a few paragraphs wasn't as hard as I imagined it would be as I joined in a chapter where action is important and oftentimes in excess, so everything fit together nicely to me.

Speaking of description, everything about Diantha interested me because of the way you decided to introduce her to the setting. My first impression was that she would be this regal figure from the way you talked about fingers and the water, but then in her dialogue bit everything seemed to shift. I didn't really mind that part because I probably missed a lot of information from the first chapter where she was introduced?

Then we have Brian. I wasn't really sure how to feel about him because he seemed like that one character in most writing that is a downer and acts grumpy all the time they are present in a scene. I mean, that's not something that I don't like to see in a character, but it needs to be done in moderation as it's a severely overplayed trope in writing. Again, I probably missed a lot of his person and main goal from the last chapter.

And the last character that I think is important is Aden. I can't really say much about him because I didn't see a lot of actual substance from him in this. While Diantha and Brian argue, he's just kind of there. In the midst of everything in the main conflict, he was just kind of there doing little to none. I would've liked to see more of him in this because it's one of the early and easier chapters to flesh out a character in.

Personally, I would describe my first impression of him after reading as he remains right now being something kind of similar to this quote~

This dude-


Also, I won't focus on Noriko for some of the same reasons, but I think that she has more substance compared to Aden because she has more dialogue in this. Of course, compared to the other people mentioned, I would've still liked more here.

I really loved reading this!

Cheers!






Thank you so much for the review!

Oh my god, I have no idea how you did it. I hate having to read and watch things out of order with a fiery passion. You give me book two of a series, and I'll refuse to even look at the blurb until I've read the first book. I admire your ability to do what I would cry doing.

Reading chapter 1 I feel would definitely give you more insights on the characters. The first chapter is more in Noriko's point of view, and each of the characters are introduced and get to show off their basic personality. Plus there's the actual physical descriptions of the characters.

Aden will get more substance as well. Trust me. There's much hidden within each of these characters.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Hopefully, if you decide to read more, you don't get too confused as you progress if you decide not to read chapter 1.




I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings