Here's a little song I wrote...
You might want to sing it note for note.
Don't worry! Be happy! (Kidding!)
I did write this on the spot, and it IS 2 am as I'm starting this, (January 1st, 2011!) so if it's bad, tell me ASAP so I can have it taken down! Thanks!
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I see the fire fall
It makes me want to stay down
-
Innocence lingers until you see
I'm damned with open eyes
Most of the people who aren't blind
Will wear a blind disguise
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History repeats itself
The same mistakes are always found
If only we could escape this circle
It's too bad Earth is round
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Watching the fire fall
The rain that burns the ground
Sometimes you have to crawl
Sometimes you want to stay down
-
But I remain unalarmed
It feels like I'm walking through
The falling ruins unharmed
Sometimes I want to fall too
-
Watching the fire fall
The rain that burns the ground
Sometimes you have to crawl
Sometimes you want to stay down [x2]
-
In this corrupted, falling world
Where few souls can survive
Sometimes I'd like to fall too
Rather than be the only one alive
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138,566 Literary Works • 672,163 Reviews
This was really good and I can really relate
Wow Razi! No nitpicks from me really, except that seriously, this could also be a poem. I'd love to hear the music to it, though!
I love, love, loved these lines! They were seriously powerful!
OVERALL:
Like Liquiddeath said: these lyrics could be used to take over the world. They were seriously powerful -- and I loved the irony you brought to it. Like that part about everything being a circle, and too bad the earth was round -- that was great. Well, this whole thing was great. Razi, you have just written a brilliant piece that could inpsire and spark a lot of ideas -- like it has in me! Great work!
-- Flux
My lyrics can take over the world? Awesome...but they're mine! >.<
Now either you came across the comment on my profile, searched my posts, or just found it. It seems as though the second is happening a LOT lately.
Very nice, now I'm going to steal those lyrics and form my own song then take over the world. Yep
Alright,so, it's in one of those states. Just that finished, but unfished state.
some you need work on is the flow. Are you going to put this to actual music, if so, then you could try to fix up the some of the lines, espically in the chorus.
Hmm, seemed kind of choppy, like four totally different thoughts strung together. Just smooth that out a bit.
(Though you have some good imagery going there.)
~WickedWonder
Flem>>Thanks for reviewing, I see your point at...not two in the morning. xD Nearly midnight, but I'm high on fundip.
Sakura>>So you saw my status! Much thanks for being a good person! One thing though...Tara?
Hi! I liked this a lot, and I'm being a "good person". But maybe we should call you Tara now...Just kidding. Sometimes I felt like it didn't flow right, maybe there was an extra word or something...Other than that I thought it was great.
You wrote these at 2am? Kind of shows. Not in a "Oh my God these are horrible lyrics" sort of way, but more in a "these could definitely use some tightening up" sort of way. Some of the wording is a little awkward. For example:
The use of "blind" twice in such a short period of time. Also, the first part of this line seems a little wordy for me.
Though, I'll admit, I really liked this lyric:
I can kind of relate to this lyric.
Overall, I feel like this song is about looking at the hypocrisy of the world and feeling out of place, which is good, because we all feel like that at some point. The lyrics need a little tightening up, but that may also be because I'm reading the lyrics and not hearing it. Much of the interpretation and correction can be fixed when the song is sung.
Long story short, a little tweaking and this song is on it's way to being pretty good. Keep it up.
kf
Ahh, metaphors, can't always understand them, right? I'm glad you liked my lyrics, and apologies to your parents! xD
Ah Razi! This is soo.. beautiful.
It was really touching. I did actually sing it the whole way through and my parents wounldn't have thanked you! xD
The lyrics were really moving. You have a thing with words. It flowed and even though I don't know the tune, it was rythmic.
Even though I am not sure what you mean in the chorus;
Watching the fire fall
The rain that burns the ground
Sometimes you have to crawl
Sometimes you want to stay down
I didn't really understand what you were getting at here but I seemed understandable so I can't really comment on that as lyric choice is personal.
Other then that I did grasp what you meant and the emotions you were trying to bring out through the lyrics. Its no bad at all and to delete it would be a shame. Good work razi!
Kaka xo
Proud to be first reveiwer!