This is my poetry pairs contest entry with Elinor Brynn, which she has submitted before, but we've received no reviews. So we've done some editing on our own, and this time I'm trying for some last minute input. Please, reviewing wolves, have at it! And please, whichever you think would be a better title, do tell.
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Dear Anna,
I'm fighting for you.
I'm battling amongst this desolation.
Amongst each putrid layer of empty sky,
my stomach a cauldron of vomit about to boil over.
My face, stinging with acid sweat --
Others around me become empty shells in mere moments;
their lives leak out of the bullet wounds,
adorning each with the plastic eyes
of toy soldiers; dead dolls.
This has been life, over a year in the making.
Life in the sense that I'm still breathing,
that blood still flows through my veins.
This isn't truly living.
They told me I could see you, and our Eliza.
But you have been kept from me time and time again
as I am bound to this horrid place,
damned to meet my end thousands of miles from you.
Perhaps I am deserving of living through hell.
But I wonder, still, whether I'll come back home.
Could I even accept happiness for myself?
It comes to me now, after many times before
when answers would whizz by my head.
It catches me dead in the chest,
cutting through my being in the worst way.
I am cut, helpless, and no one comes to my aid.
I fall, a single toy soldier among thousands.
Calmness overcomes me, however.
A realization, a reality, had rushed at me
but I caught it like a bullet.
Anna,
I know that all our lives together,
my troubles had been made yours
despite years of love and loyalty.
For myself, I cannot truthfully claim innocence.
Every bottle I drank, I knew too well in my drunken delirium
that it would end up in pieces over your lovely head.
I would take it all back if I could.
I know you loved me out of fear, but loved me all the same.
My love was harsh and not always loyal.
You were always hurt because of me;
the physical abuse or the girls I'd take into our home.
I had to have you, and I had to have them.
If only I wasn't so selfish, maybe I'd realize
I'd only be happy with you, Anna.
I know you don't regret Eliza
though I regret not being a father to her.
The cherubim face of an angel's daughter
was enough to melt my heart,
though I ceased to show her love
just like I ceased to show it to you.
My dearest Anna...
All I hope you understand is that I really do love you.
Perhaps fate will separate us. I don't believe
that I belong in the same pure world you do.
Before I accept my toy soldier eyes
I would like to say
that I'm sorry.
For everything.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there
I really like this.
I really like the format that you used here.
You turned what would have been a average love poem into a really interesting and captavating poem.
I like that you tied in lots of diffrent themes into this. It made this very layered, and you can disect it many diffrent ways.
Wow ! I loved this poem. I liked the description you put inside, how the soldeir feels. The guilt he has which is weighing him down. The way he knows that he will die and is resigned. Beautiful piece, keep up the good work !
Walker here, with the review I couldn't not do ;D.
Okay, so because this is for the colab contest, I am pulling out all the guns, so hopefully this doesn't come across as harsh!
Okay, so that completes my nit-pick section. The Red is immediate changes, the blue my personal opinions on what should change, and the green is what I enjoyed.
Overall:
Is it just me or does this feel rushed?
I'm not trying to be mean, cause I love the topic and everything, just that you both give such a beautifully imaged first stanza that I was a little surprised and a little disappointed that the end wasn't nearly as strong.
Its not that you both don't have the ability to write good poetry. I see that in the first stanza. Just that you lost it during the rest of the poem. Go back. You have a skeleton here and a very strong skeleton if anything, which is good. The best thing you can do for this piece now would be to start thinking of imagery for those lines instead of just leaving them as a telling of events. Show us beauty. Show us grotesque images. None of this 'I had to have you, you were so beautiful' crap. More like 'my hearts desire was the epitamy of your charm, my only hope the glorious radiance of your angelic face'. Its all about the wording and what you want us to see.
Thats why poetry's so hard though! So I definitely will say that this has quite a bit of potential, but seeing as its for a contest, I would definitely say for you to go back and give it a couple one-overs.
Oh and, I would think the best thing would be to name it Dear Anna. You don't want to give away the idea of the poem before people read it! They should discern it for themselves.
~Walker