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E - Everyone

Raelyn's unnamed novel

by Raelyn


My hair whipped behind me sliding back and forth against my lower back. Faster I need to run faster. My heart rose and fell at uneven rapid beats. I was sprinting as fast as I could. Sweat stuck to my forehead making my face warm, despite the freezing winds that slapped me in the face. Our green house with bricks and stark white molding came into view. The sirens and lights that usually would have annoyed my eyes and ears had no effect on me. The sirens felt like a distant sound like I could barely hear it. Nothing could be louder than the one-word repeating in my head like a broken record.

Please, please, please, please.

I didn't know who I was begging, I didn't believe in any gods... Now was one of those times I wished I did. I wished that there was some force or great spirit that could help me. As my feet pounded against the sidewalk I prayed for the first time in my life.

When I got to the grass I threw my bag on the ground and pumped my arms harder. Trying to get to the front door faster. Before I reached the door it swung open, and two paramedics came out carrying a white bag.

The bag was the size of a body.

A sound left my throat, I don't know if it was a scream a wail or a call for help. My eyes began to blur and sting. A blurry figure walked over to me. As arms wrapped around me I fell into the body limp. The familiar smell told me it was my father.

"Zara I am so sorry, they couldn't save her," croacked my father’s voice. I wasn't listening, nothing he was saying was getting through. His voice was like those distant sirens.

All I knew was that I would wake up everyday and everyday she wouldn't be there. 

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150 Reviews

Points: 4678
Reviews: 150

Mon Jan 27, 2020 5:14 pm
Honora wrote a review...

Hey Rae! Wow has it been a long time since I've done any reviewing and I apologize for that. But at least I'm here right!? Maybe...?

Anyway, you know how I do this ;)

To be honest Rae, this is barely even a review because all I have ae good things to say.

I found it short and intriguing. Maybe a little too short for a prologue but at the same time it still grabbed me and I want to know more. Who died? My first thought was her mom but is it a sister? How did she die? What happened!?

I'm also super glad to say that I see a big improvement in your writing. It gave me more depth and I felt for the character more than I usually do. Which is awesome!! Big thumbs up!

I hope to see more of this!

Your friend,
Honora <33

Raelyn says...


User avatar
34 Reviews

Points: 184
Reviews: 34

Sat Jan 04, 2020 4:33 am
LadyMysterio says...

WHOA................... plz tag me i need to know what happenes, great hook btw.

-Lady Mysterio

Raelyn says...

Thanks! I will the next ch. is in the editing process:)

User avatar
96 Reviews

Points: 1409
Reviews: 96

Fri Jan 03, 2020 1:53 am
shieldmaiden wrote a review...

Wow...just wow! This is amazing! I can't believe that someone wrote such great work like this. Honestly it is written so well it feels as if I'm reading an excerpt from a published book that you pasted to share with everyone. I know that I say this alot, but Raelyn, you are so talent and possess an incredible gift. Please keep tagging me so that I can continue reading your works.

Raelyn says...

Thank you so much! And of course I will keep tagging you.

User avatar
111 Reviews

Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Tue Dec 31, 2019 9:44 pm
tgham99 wrote a review...

This is an incredibly interesting prologue to read, and I love how well you implement imagery. The first paragraph in particular really made me feel like I could physically feel the sting of the cold winds in my face -- you have a mastery of imagery that I personally feel like I struggle with!

That being said, the only real comment I have for you is to look into the use of commas, especially in paragraphs such as the first one where you have several different images taking place for the reader to envision. Breaking up your sentences/phrases with commas (Example: "Faster, I need to run faster" and "As arms wrapped around me, I fell into the body, limp") would go a long way in helping keep things flowing more smoothly in your reader's mind. This is more of a grammar nitpick, though -- your storytelling ability is strong in itself.

Another small nitpick is the use of the word "everyday" -- the word "everyday" is an adjective that's meant to describe something as a common, predictable thing, while "every day" means each day, which is what I'm assuming you meant in your concluding sentence (which, by the way, was a strong way to end the prologue and keep your reader hooked!).

That being said, this is a wonderful prologue, and speaking for myself, I would most definitely be captivated if it was an introduction to a book I picked up. I can't wait to see what else you have in store!

Raelyn says...

Thank you very much for this review. Thanks for the nitpicks, this is a book I am hopeful will get published once I am finished.

Wild animals are just as confused as people are now.
— Jack Hanna