One day in a bright and sunny day
Then out of no where the winds came a brewing
I was lost no way to find home, I thought from the beginning I thought I would be accompanied
By a true and loyal friend,but with a great big fright I saw my friend nowhere to be found
I spent my last days wandering and pondering but all I can conclude is that I am stuck in the brewed
I thought my days were over and so they were for now.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Heya, Pusheen! Casanova here to review your portfolio!
Anyway, you asked me how I reviewed so much. When I feel like I can't really review anything in the green room, I switch to doing works people have already posted or entire portfolios. To the review!
Anyway, I'll be breaking this up into sections so I hope that you don't mind.
The,"out of now where," part here seems a bit odd. I feel like this would do better in a prose poem instead of line by line poetry. The descriptions and your imagery match that of a novel, yet you've put them together and called it poetry. I'll give props for that, because it's an interesting style choice.
The part where it says,"but with a great big fright," i feel could be taken out and you wouldn't lose anything in your poem. It springs a rather child like tone onto the poem, and I don't think that you were going for that. I would suggest omitting it. Otherwise I like these lines, they're alright.
I feel like this was a rather abrupt halt to the story. I like how the poem goes, but I feel like you could have continued on with this and you would have had a better poem because of it.
Anyway, thaat's all I have to say about this one and I hopee it helped. On to the next one!
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hey Pusheen! (love the username by the way) I just thought I would stop by to leave a review on your poem.
I don't quite follow what this means, but I do understand that there's some sort of questioning and mystery here, it's a nice conclusion for your poem (although it would also be an interesting point to begin expanding your piece from as well) .It was nice how you used sort of old and formal language (brewing, fright, accompanied) in order to give an interesting setting to your poem.
For such a short poem it could have used a little bit more imagery and figurative language injected into it, but you've got the base for a good mystery/story here and even some rhyming in line 5, you just need to throw some "flowers" in and maybe play with the line breaks.
There are a few issues here and there with grammar and word choice but most of the previous reviewers already did an excellent job covering that, so I won't go into it.
I think you could have used a few more breaks between your lines, as some of them got to be quite long. But overall you've laid out a good start here, especially for a 12 year old!
My favorite line was the last one
I'll be interested to read more of your work, in the future. Happy writing!
~alliyah
Thank you. You are the only person that gets my writing and thank you for that. Also I now I am 12 years old but I know some strong vocabulary words because my mom teaches English. Also I was thinking on writing a other poem I I with it so the mystery is gone.
You're very welcome! Keep up the good writing Pusheen.
Thanks an idea on what the next poem should be about?
Hey there, and happy Review Day! clogs here to review!
I'm gonna start with a bit of line-by-line:
This line's a little redundant, because you use the word "sun" twice. I would recommend rewriting it to edit out one of the "days" by rewording this line. You could try "One bright and sunny day".
I'd also like to point out that this isn't a very interesting opening line. It's quite clichè, actually- it doesn't really pull the reader in. Try introducing a main point of your poem in the first line, so the readers will have something to keep them reading!
The "then" doesn't belong there, so get rid of it. I like the use of "a-brewing" as feels quite folksy, but unfortunately, you don't build on that later in the poem.
This is quite a leap from the friend to the great big fright! I think that you need to flesh out your envisioned loyal friend a bit more before jumping to them not even being there. Tell us how they'd make you feel, what they would do, maybe even what they'd look like! You could also separate these ideas a bit more by having a line break here.
Ok, this line is pretty confusing. Why were these the narrator's "last days"? Were they about to die? There's also a tense change here- the first phrase is in past tense, but the second is in present. If you're jumping to the present tense, then add something like "now" so the reader knows.
Also, "brewed" doesn't really make sense to me. It's an adjective. A brewed what? There needs to be something that the adjective describes.
At this point, I really can't follow this at all. Maybe "were" needs to be "are"? I think you generally just need to take a look at this line and figure out how to make readers understand it, because you seem to have a lot of confused reviewers here.
So, now that I'm done with the line-by-line, let's talk about some more generalized things. The story of this poem as far as I can tell is this: You were swept up in a chaotic situation and got lost, and you expected to find a friend to guide you home, but the friend wasn't there, so you just kind of wandered around, not knowing what to do. That's actually quite an interesting story, thematically. There are a lot of interpretations that a reader could come up with for that story. So why isn't the poem interesting? You just don't tell the story in a captivating way. There are a number of ways to improve this, one of which is imagery. Strong imagery is interesting to read, and can help your storytelling. There's a lovely article in the YWS Knowledge Base about imagery, so I'll link you to that so hopefully you can read it and learn about imagery!
Imagery
I'm sure you've heard the phrase "show, don't tell" before. It means to show the readers what is happening with description rather than just telling them. It's a little more difficult to follow this rule in poetry than in prose. If you write prose showing, then that becomes telling. When you're writing a description, just think: Is there a way I could put this into a metaphor or simile (or some other type of figurative language)?
The title is rather interesting. The poem is told from the first person perspective, yet the title is referring to the narrator in third person. I rather like it! I'm not sure if it was intentional, but it's just an observation on my part.
I hope this review was helpful to you in some way, and keep on writing!
Hello! Ripple here.
The repetition of day is off-putting, and doesn't make sense. Instead you could say something along the lines of "Once, on a bright and sunny day," and it would flow a bit better.Like Waffle said, it was fairly difficult to follow, despite having a more linear narrative than most poems. The description says that it is a true story, and while reality is excellent source material (you can't entirely depend on fiction...) I find that it leads to poems that give up symbolism and deeper meaning in exchange for realism. Your poem is somewhere in the middle where your language is vague enough that I think you've opted for more symbolism, but I can't see what deeper meaning, other than a simple microcosm of life in general.
This whole phrase is filled with grammatical incongruities, and just doesn't make sense.
More grammatical errors (I was lost no way to find home; I saw my friend nowhere to be) While sometimes you can use such errors artistically, they seem random in use. Also, "great big" mentally sounds amateurish and unneeded.
One word that completely baffles me here is "brewed." It just doesn't make sense. I think you're referring to the wind, but it is a very odd way to put it.
Line breaks don't automatically mean pauses, so when read, your first few lines would sound like read all in one breath. This is (1) taxing if someone decides to recite it aloud, and (2) confusing if the reader is reading it mentally.
Overall, this tale could have deeper meaning, but it is clouded by the grammatical errors and confusing language. Just keep writing, and you can improve. Good luck!
Alright, it's Braiden here for a review on Review Day!
This poem was a bit hard to understand, but I think I know what you meant (so I will put that below).
'Day' was used twice here, but I think maybe you meant "One bright and sunny day" or something like that.
It should be 'nowhere'. It's one word.
There should be a comma after 'lost'. Also, take out the first 'I thought' and make 'From' the first word in a new sentence.
Space after the comma before 'but'; comma after 'fright'; also, put 'was' between 'friend' and 'nowhere'.
Comma after 'pondering'; I didn't understand what "stuck in the brewed" meant, but that may just be me, so I'm gonna leave that alone lol.
This was good
Overall, it was a really cool poem that would be really pretty with some edits. Take care, and keep writing!
~Braiden
Hello! Waffle here to review your poem
This poem is difficult to follow. Starting with the first line,
I'm a little confused with this sentence. Here's why: You used the word day twice, which makes it sound strange. It's also incredibly common to use "one day" at the beginning of a poem or story, so keep that in mind. The end of the line should have a comma, unless you intended for it not to have one, then that's fine.
Next line:
The words "no" and "where" should be one word. Technically "nowhere" is an actual word and should be used here instead of "no where." A comma would also be useful after "nowhere." The line should instead look something like this:
So, the title plays part in these lines, but there are a couple of issues I have with it. It doesn't make any sense. I'm completely lost, ironically. As for punctuation, structure and improving the wording, here's how it could look:
Woah, when did we get here? What about your journey? I already don't understand where you are or why, and now you're on your last days? It's a huge jump from the last lines. I really don't understand.
I would get rid of the word pondering though, and I think you meant to use the word "brood," is not, get rid of "brewed" because it's irrelevant and was only put there to rhyme. I do however like your use of the word conclude
The very last line should be completely re-written. It does wrap it up, but it's not really telling me anything.
Overall, the poem needs a lot of work but I like the idea behind it. I doubt this was very helpful, but I really hope that this is at least a little bit useful. Happy writing
I was thinking about making another for the end and the beginning.
To me this is a very good poem and it has a lot of good describing words like ponder and accompanied and this goes to me myself an I since nobody else has written a review for my poem I might as well right one for myself.