12+ Violence

The Road Home (Chapter 1: Goldspire Pass)

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Shadrach stared at the rock walls of the mountain pass he was travelling through. Native to the small plains town of Dunsinain, he had hardly ever seen mountains. And every time he did, he was fascinated by their beauty. He was astounded by the way hardy grasses grew between the rocks, which were stained with a swirling rainbow of greys, reds, and oranges. The sheer size of the mounts always left him in awe. He had only imagined of places like this, and seeing them was probably the highlight of his journey with the caravan. Of course, he should be scanning the mountain rocks for signs of bandits and raiders, but he had not seen any of their kind since the journey began, and he was beginning to think he never would.

Other than that, the days had proven to be very boring. Most of the trip had taken the convoy through the Terminus, a massive desert rimmed on nearly all sides by the Goldspire Mountains. His usually pale-ish skin was still a dark shade of red from the many days spent there. He was glad that they were finally making their way into the rolling plains near the eastern coast. He could already feel cool air flowing through the pass.

The sound of a horn echoed out from the head of the caravan, followed by the shouts of the group’s leaders ordering them to halt. Camp was to be set up in the pass.

Shadrach did not like the order. He was no military tactician, but he knew that placing a group in an area bordered by mountains was begging to be ambushed.

He found a rocky outcropping where he could take his position as watchman and climbed up the mountainside. From there he had quite decent view of the pass. It was fairly wide, and gave the caravan plenty of space. The merchants began to set up their tents and secure the wagons that carried their goods. While they did so, meal wagons opened up and began passing out dishes of murky soup to the travelers.

Shadrach’s stomach growled. He wondered when he would finally be relieved of his shift.

He turned to the west. The twin suns of the world were slowly beginning to dip below the horizon. Night was beginning to fall, and, unlike the desert, felt far less shocking in terms of temperature drop.

Shadrach took a final look around before planting his sword into the ground and sitting down. He slowly began to practice the technique his father had taught him.

Shadrach decided to try the skill his father had been teaching him. He held his left hand in front of him and made a loose fist. Like many beings, his father had been gifted with the ability to control one of the many natural elements. Specifically, ice. And the ability had passed onto Shadrach.

Breath slowly, Shadrach remembered his father saying. Feel the cold in your hand, as well as the moisture around you. Focus on it, and bend it to your will.

He closed his eyes and held his breath. He was able to focus on the cold as he felt it on his hands. Nightfall cooled the air, and Shadrach could feel even more of his element around him. He concentrated harder and slowly moved the cold around his left palm. Eventually, he forced it into the space within his fist. After a few seconds of concentration, a faint, pale blue glow pierced his eyelids, and he felt something cold take form in his fist.

He opened his eyes and smiled. Within his grasp was a small, clear icicle. He moved the object around in his hands, letting it slowly melt and then adding more ice to its form.

Shadrach heard the footsteps of someone approaching him, breaking his concentration. The icicle quickly evaporated.

The person laughed. “Still working on becoming a manipular, huh?” the being laughed.

Shadrach smiled. “No, Pagiel. Just working at the same skill again.” He turned to face his friend.

Pagiel was similar to Shadrach in a lot of ways. They were about the same age. He was slightly over average height and a little thin in stature. He had somewhat lengthy brown hair that hung down just above his eyebrows. His eyes however were green while Shadrach’s were icy blue, coincidentally mirroring his element. But, the dissimilarities still didn't stop those who didn't know the pair from mistaking them as brothers.

“You’ll get the hang of it someday,” Pagiel said. Then, with a smile, threw a punch into the air. In response, some of the stone from the mountain flew up from the ground and hovered in front of Pagiel. He raised his hand in front of the stone and clenched his fist. Chunks of the rock tore away, until the stone resembled a sword. Pagiel grabbed the “hilt” and gave it a few swings before planting it in the ground and leaning against it.

Shadrach clapped mockingly. “Yeah, yeah. Nice job. Maybe I’d be as good as you if I had as many years of training as you.”

“It does take a good teacher,” Pagiel smirked, shifting his weight on his sword. “And, as you know, my father’s one of the best.”

Shadrach closed his eyes and began to ‘feel’ the cold around Pagiel’s sword.

“What are you doing?” Pagiel asked.

Before the stone manipular could tell what was going on, veins of ice formed in the tiny cracks within the stone sword, tearing it apart.

With nothing to support him, Pagiel fell to the rocky ground below.

Shadrach stifled a laugh. “Practicing,” he joked. He got up and offered his hand to help Pagiel up as well.

The stone manipular dusted himself off and was about to give a sarcastic remark when another guard approached. Like both Shadrach and Pagiel, the guard wore standard green and silver armor that Dunsinain normally issued.

“Shadrach Tasir?” the guardsman asked.

“Yes?”

“I’m here to relieve you of duty for the night. Lieutenant Makir wants you to return to your post at dawn tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Shadrach said.

He and Pagiel headed down from the tor to the meal wagon. There they picked up two dishes consisting of mushroom and beef stew and some stale bread, along with two canteens of water. They found a few rocks to sit down on and eat. An older guardsman was sitting by the fire and telling a rather outlandish tale about how he and a band of fellow adventurers had taken down a dragon in the mountains to the north.

A few moments later, another guard, not much shorter than Shadrach, took a seat on a rock next to Pagiel. However, this one was female. She had a thin, sunburned face and stern, amber-colored eyes. She, too, had brought a meal, although it looked just as stale and bad as the others’.

“Shift rotation came earlier than expected,” she said in a relieved tone, moving a few strands of her dirty-blond hair out of her eyes. “Glad to finally sit down again. My legs were beginning to kill me.”

“Hey Rebekah,” Pagiel greeted her, placing his arm over her shoulders.

She shrugged him off. “Well, we’re finally out of that forsaken desert,” she said. “The suns weren’t exactly doing wonders for my skin.”

“You’re telling us,” Pagiel laughed. “You’re redder than a fire drake.”

“You don’t look so good, yourself, rocks-for-brains,” Rebekah snapped back.

Pagiel shook his head and chuckled.

“Well, we’re nearly to Lagon,” Shadrach said. “I wish we’d stop, but we’ll probably just turn north as soon as we can.”

“Yeah,” Rebekah agreed. “Lagon’s too far out of the way to stop at. The last thing we need is to detour forty miles to see the coast. The only town we’d stop in would be Renegin, and that’s still out of the way.”

Pagiel nodded. “Even then, we still have a long way before we reach Frigenden.” He then made a sweeping gesture. “Capital of the Kingdom of Ice, domain of god-king Ianarius!” he added in the most over-the-top voice he could.

Rebekah shook her head at the sight in nigh-embarrassment.

“You know, did we really have to go through that desert?” she asked. “Couldn’t they have just kept us west of the mountains in the plains?”

“But then you’d have miles of forest and swamp to dredge through,” the stone-manipular said. “And I do not want to haul you out of quicksand… again.”

“That was one time!” Rebbekah growled. Her face became slightly redder than it had been before.

“And that’s not including the stories of monsters roaming the forests during moonlit nights,” Shadrach added. “The cursed men. Moon-worshipers or something like that, if I remember correctly.”

“You do know those stories were just made up to keep kids in their beds, right?” Pagiel asked.

Suddenly a horn sounded, echoing across the camp. The hollow noise bellowed throughout the mountain pass. That was definitely not a good sign. One of the guards had spotted something.

The three dropped their bowls almost immediately and retrieved their weapons. They quickly ran to where the horn had sounded. Several guards had already arrived. Two carried spears while the rest had swords. They were looking around wildly, trying to locate the now-unseen enemies.

“Where are they?” one asked.

“There!” another shouted, pointing towards a mountain on the left.

The group turned to see silhouettes of lightly-armored beings moving about the rocks near the peaks of the nearby mountains. They were hard to see, and moved as shadows of black on black against the rock.

“Great, we’re doomed,” Rebekah lamented.

“We’re not under attack yet,” Pagiel said. He raised his arms up. In response, several large chunks of rock burst up from the ground and hovered around him.

Shadrach wished he was a better manipular at that moment.

For a few quiet minutes, there was nothing. The bandits had disappeared again, dissolving into the rocks above. The guards had taken up positions and were preparing for an attack from all sides.

Shadrach, Pagiel, and Rebekah had managed to form their own, small unit.

“This is nuts,” Shadrach muttered. “We don’t have nearly enough men to fend off an assault.”

“It’s not an assault,” Pagiel responded. Rocks were still floating lazily around him. “We should be evenly matched. Plus, we have manipulars on our side.”

“And who said they didn't?” Rebekah asked.

Pagiel did not answer.

Shadrach readied his sword. The silence of the moment was beginning to unnerve him.

Everyone was worried now, though. The merchants and traders had sealed their tents and were ready to make off with as many of their possessions as possible. The guards had stationed themselves in units around the camp. But in the mountain pass, it would not be enough.

Several more minutes passed. The moon rose high into the sky, illuminating the pass. Still, the looters remained hidden.

Twang.

An arrow sailed through the air right for Rebekah. The projectile hit her left shoulder plate at a bad angle and plinked off.

“There!” Shadrach shouted, pointing.

Pagiel hurled his arsenal of stones at the archer. Before the raider even knew what was happening, he was crushed under hundreds of pounds of solid rock.

The looters burst out from the mountainsides, appearing seemingly from nowhere. The robbers charged the camp, meeting head on with the guards.

The sound of steel meeting steel echoed throughout the encampment, along with the shouts of enraged guards and screams of terrified merchants.

Shadrach’s blade met that of a pale-skinned man adorned in animal skin and war paint. The thief let loose a series of unintelligible growls as he struggled to push the young guard’s blade away. Shadrach slid the bandit’s sword away and brought his own up for a downward slash, but the bandit recovered in time to counter. After the next hit, the raider swung his blade hard. While Shadrach managed to block the attack, it managed to tear his sword from his hands and knock him to the ground.

Shadrach rolled to avoid a downward slash and quickly swung his arms, grabbing the bandit’s right leg. He channeled his power of ice into his hands. The raider’s leg instantly turned a dark blue from frost bite. He screamed and swung his sword, hitting Shadrach with the broad side. The blow tossed the guard away. The man dropped and wrapped his hands around his frozen leg.

Shadrach got up and retrieved his sword and ran to help his fellow guards.

That’s when he saw it. Something was airborne, its form silhouetted against the moon. The dark form looked almost like a dragon…

Shadrach gasped. A member of the dragon-like race known as Drakes was with the bandits.

He watched in horror as the Drake cast several fireballs down on the camp. Guards scattered to avoid the deadly projectiles.

The dragon-like being descended into the center of the camp, wreaking general havoc and terrifying the noncombatants. Many of the merchants ran away, disappearing into the distant night.

Another bandit lunged at Shadrach. The guard barely had time to raise his sword to block the raider’s axe. The weapons clashed, and Shadrach got a look at his attacker.

Another Drake. This one was covered in bright white markings across his dark blue scales. Horns adorned the rim of his dragon-like face like a crown. He wore armor made from some sort of bone, and his wings were raised in a threatening display.

Shadrach swung his sword, knocking the Drake’s handheld axe away. The Drake responded with an attack of his own—a blast of elemental lighting.

An instant before the attack hit, several large rocks battered into the Drake, cutting off his attack and sending him flying down a small hill.

Shadrach turned to see Pagiel and Rebekah motioning for him to join them on their tor. The young guard quickly rushed to meet them.

“Well, this has been a great vacation,” Shadrach groaned. He felt terribly exhausted already.

“You can tell me all about it after I get this arrow out of my thigh!” Rebekah grunted.

Shadrach turned to her. Embedded in the side of her left thigh was a long arrow. It had managed to penetrate the leather strap of her shinguard, just above her boot.

“I’ll be fine,” she said when she noticed Shadrach’s worried gaze.

“You will be once we get out of here,” Pagiel said, hurling another massive rock with his elemental powers. A second later there was a disgusting crunch.

“You’re leaving?” Shadrach asked.

“Look around you! The caravan’s not going to survive this! We need to leave!”

“And where do we go after this?” Rebekah asked.

“Home? Lagon? Shaddust? Anywhere but here!” Pagiel shouted. He hurled a stone at a bandit that was crawling up towards them.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Rebekah asked. She got up, but staggered on her injured leg. Pagiel quickly rushed up to catch her.

“Can you even walk?” he asked.

The girl nodded. “Of course I can.”

Pagiel let her go. She stumbled a bit, but regained her footing. While Rebekah did not seem particularly nimble, she could still move relatively well.

“Alright, let’s—“

The sound or a large being landing emerged from behind Shadrach. Both Pagiel and Rebekah began to back away.

Shadrach turned to see the same blue and white Drake standing over him, its teeth bared in a terrible snarl.

The young guardsman raised his sword just in time to block the being’s axe, which was now crackling with elemental lightning. The blades of both weapons locked. Both of them fought to push the other’s weapon away.

“Run!” Shadrach yelled, pushing against the Drake’s axe. “I’ll hold him off.”

“By the Inferno, Shadrach, run away! Come with us!” Pagiel shouted.

“Go!” Shadrach yelled back at his friends. “Save yourselves!”

It became painfully obvious that the young, novice manipular was not going to leave. Pagiel and Rebekah took one final glance at their friend, reluctant to leave him. With one final deep breath, Pagiel turned and ran, Rebekah not far behind him.

The Drake watched as Pagiel and hissed, “Amicis vestris derelinquat te.”

Shadrach did not understand the Drake language. Not wanting to find out what the being had hissed, Shadrach simply pulled his sword back and swung as hard as he could. His weapon met the Drake’s axe and sent it flying from the creature’s hands.

The blue-scaled being watched as his weapon soared away from him, but did not seem at all surprised. Instead, it swung its fist into Shadrach’s gut, knocking the wind from his lungs and sending him flying into a rock wall on the mountainside.

Shadrach hit the mountain and fell to the ground. He groaned loudly and grabbed his stomach. For a moment, he wondered if one of his ribs had been cracked.

“Well fought, parvus humana,” the Drake said. “But in vain.” He raised his arms, and lightning crackled along them. Waves of electricity flew between the Drake’s claws. “I will do you the honor of letting you live. But not before I send you out of the fight.”

With that, the Drake grabbed Shadrach’s arm. Hundreds of volts surged through the young guard’s body. Thankfully, the darkness set in quickly.

Comments & reviews · 3
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SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hello Prehistoric, Wolf here for a review. (Please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors, for I am on a phone.)

First some little nit-picks:

And every time he did, he was fascinated by their beauty.

There are other spots where this is done, but usually a sentence should not start with the words 'but', 'and', or 'because'. Though, in dialogue it is fine, since many people ignore this rule in informal speech.
Breath slowly, Shadrach remembered his father saying.

Breath should be Breathe.
“And, as you know, my father’s one of the best.”

So... Two master fathers, two sons learning, and a drake that I assume is male. Can women not learn this manipulation? xD
The stone manipular dusted himself off...

Sometimes I notice you mention Pagiel as 'the stone manipular', but this got be confused at first and in another spot, which uses a dialogue tag, I thought it was someone else. Here is works fine, but be sure that its clear that this is Pagiel you're talking about and not some random other person.

Other technical things:
I did notice often that lots of sentences started with pronouns such as he, his, she, etc. be careful not to over use this, otherwise the story just becomes choppy, boring, and repetitive. Not too much was done in this piece, just be sure to watch for that in future parts or projects you start.

Also, sometimes I noticed commas where they shouldn't be, or missing commas. (Couldn't find specifically where when I skimmed through it for nit-picks, after I reread it three times.) An easy way to check if a comma is needed or not, or maybe if it should be a period, is if when you are reading this aloud, you would take a pause. Such as:
After I returned home the cat was on my bed.
A comma is needed after home, right? Since if you read it aloud, you would instinctively pause there (or I hope you would, I did anyway.)

With grammar out of the way, I really, really love fantasy. Here, you do a fantastic job of showing this world and introducing this magic little by little so that we, as the readers, are not completely overwhelmed with all this information at once. You do a nice job of presenting everything evenly with a nice flow and pacing, and not dumping all this information onto us. Great Job! I hope to see you in later chapters. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Thanks for the review! And for the watch as well!

One thing I found funny is that you jokingly asked "Can women not learn this manipulation?" since it is in fact a girl who teaches Shadrach how to use his powers later on.

Anyway, I'll take the advice in later chapters. Chapter 2's already done, but I'll keep it in mind with Chapter 3, especially with commas. I used to overuse commas...now I'm underusing them. Got to find that happy medium...

Anyway, thanks again!

I do see the irony in that, since in chapter two another one is introduced. Glad I helped, keep it up :D

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Messenger
Review

Messenger here for a review on Review Day!

Shadrach took a final look around before planting his sword into the ground and sitting down. He slowly began to practice the technique his father had taught him.

Shadrach decided to try the skill his father had been teaching him.

You just said the same thing two lines in a row. Cut out the second and just begin describing how he does the things he was taught.

Breath slowly, Shadrach remembered his father saying. Feel the cold in your hand, as well as the moisture around you. Focus on it, and bend it to your will.

He closed his eyes and held his breath. He was able to focus on the cold as he felt it on his hands.

You do the same thing here. If he was remembering those motions and you tell us them in his thoughts you don't have to then go and write down him doing it in full detail. Try summarizing like: "he did these things and began to feel the col enrapture his hand." or something like that.

He and Pagiel headed down from the tor to the meal wagon.

tor? Must be a misspelling.

“Great, we’re doomed,” Rebekah lamented.

Uh . . . . isn't she a trained soldier? Also later on you say the bandits are pale, but if thhat is so, how were thy hiding against the darkness of the mountain. They would stand out wouldn't they?

OK, good action, I liked the Drakes, but why does Shadrach say he is so bad at his element. He just froze a guy's leg off! Fun fighting you described everything very very well. I knew exactly what was going on the whole time, which allowed me to read with understanding. That helped me enjoy it rather well. Good cliffhanger because we want to see what happens to Shadrach!
Keep it up!

Yeah, I do have a problem with repetition I've noticed. Happens in a lot of work, especially when I work on chapters over the course of time.
As for a tor, it's a rocky mount or something to that effect. Not a common word, but I've always liked it XD.
Rebekah's line was supposed to be more sarcastic, since she wasn't really expecting the battle to be too much. But the line doesn't really come off that way, does it?
As for Shadrach's freezing of one bandit's leg, he didn't really freeze it off. He just gave it frostbite. Basically he just cooled his hand, rather than wielding his power like a lot of other characters in the setting can.
Thanks for reviewing, though! Glad to see you liked it.

well for the tor I would put a * next to it and have a note about it beneath, that way people know. I've done that before and people appreciate it!

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TriSARAHtops
Review

Hello!
Wow, that was pretty awesome. I really enjoyed reading it, and although it contained a lot of high-fantasy elements, it felt really original. In the first chapter alone, your world building is already in place, and the characters have distinct personalities that make me want to get to know them better.

I was really happy with the pacing. No dragging, and the action wasn't rushed. I like how you included information about the setting, which made visualising what was going on much easier. The chapter is also a realistic length for a novel - definitely not undersize, and although it was longish, it wasn't arduously lengthy.

I have a few minor technical points to mention:

The sheer size of the mounts always left him in awe.

I think you should just say 'mountains' not mounts. I don't think it will be too repetitive.

His usually pale-ish skin

I wouldn't include the '-ish' because it doesn't suit the style of the piece. I'd just say pale, or else reword it to say 'fairly pale' or something to that description.

Night was beginning to fall, and, unlike the desert, felt far less shocking in terms of temperature drop

I'd change this to 'Night was beginning to fall, and the temperature drop felt far less shocking than it had in the desert'. At the moment it's slightly unclear and sounds a little clunky.

The person laughed. “Still working on becoming a manipular, huh?” the being laughed

Get rid of the 'the being laughed' off the end. I think this repetition was unintentional, however you use the word being a few times later on, and I don't think it is the best word here anyway.

“It does take a good teacher,” Pagiel smirked, shifting his weight on his sword. “And, as you know, my father’s one of the best.”

I'm not so great at explaining dialogue punctuation, but in this scenario, because you've used 'smirked' rather than 'said'(or asked, yelled, muttered, etc), there should be a full stop after 'teacher'.

The looters burst out from the mountainsides, appearing seemingly from nowhere. The robbers charged the camp, meeting head on with the guards

This doesn't work very well - they burst from the mountainsides, but they appeared from nowhere? This might need to be rewritten.

Aside from this little nitpicks, this piece was fantastic, so let me know when you've finished chapter 2. Great work!!

Wow, thanks! I honestly wasn't expecting that positive a reaction. Glad you liked the beginnings of the setting.

Most of the problems you pointed out were probably the result of inattentiveness on my part, although a few of the parts you said that didn't work were genuine mistakes that I'll need to correct. Thanks for pointing those out, though. I'll try to iron out the writing style as I go on.

Thanks again for reviewing. Hope you like chapter 2 as much as you did this one!

No worries - I really did enjoy it.



*CLUCKING INTENSIFIES*
— Snoink