Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
A/N: This chapter will be in three parts. Please be merciless. Merci. [Also, thank you to ancientforever for the title! ~P
The first thing Rufus noticed about the man was the dark crater gaping out of his skull, like a laughing mouth that opened into the wrong side of his head.
The next thing he saw was the inordinate amount of blood trickling down the back of his neck; it formed a pool of scarlet against the granite. If he stepped closer, Rufus was sure he'd catch sight of splattered membrane on the man's collar. The thought made him queasy. Gulping, he walked backwards, away from the body. Bad memories, he thought. Really bad memories.
'I'm gonna sit this one out, Pascal,' he said. 'Mind if I call you Cal?' Rufus tightened his scarf around his neck and leaned against the wall, trying to retain his air of 'cool'. Crossing his arms over his chest, he nodded at his partner. 'You have enough experience to handle this, right?' he said. 'I'm pretty sure Terran's crew knows how to deal with the dead....' He yawned widely. 'If not ... well, I'd be willing to give a couple of tips.' The other boy, still leaning over the body, snorted. Rufus frowned. He couldn't even pretend to humour him, could he? He watched the redhead as he bent low over the body and prodded gently at the space around the man's wound. Brushing his fingers along the side of the man's ear, Pascal nodded imperceptibly.
'See anything?' Rufus asked. 'Because, y'know, all I really see is a dead man. But then again, I suppose you Haemokinate know better than us Pulsar, yeah?' He didn't even try to keep the bitterness out of his tone. Pascal didn't answer, but snorted again. Rufus' frown deepened. But then the boy straightened and nodded at Rufus to come over--a slight jerk of the head, nothing more. He wasn't even looking at him, Rufus realised, his eyes still roving across the man's injury like sunlight over the equator. His gaze was piercing, persistent. Abandoning his position by the wall, Rufus walked over to Pascal, and gave the body another, more critical, once-over.
The man lay spread-eagled on the ground, hands curled awkwardly beneath his face. His arm was mangled and bloody, the humerus sticking out of skin and flesh like a knitting needle awkwardly jutting through cloth. But there was nothing at all humourous about the situation, Rufus thought. It appeared as though Pascal was thinking along the same lines, his face set and grim.
Rufus knelt down and dipped his hand into the man's pocket. It was empty. 'No wallet,' he said. 'No I.D card. Therefore, no name. What did Ivanov say the deceased's name was, again?'
'Thomas Heaney,' Pascal replied, without missing a beat. 'And he's not dead.'
Rufus started and raised an eyebrow. 'Are you messing with me? Mate, that guy's as dead as they make them.'
'He's not dead,' Pascal said firmly. He threw Rufus a 'don't argue with me' look, to which Rufus only shrugged in response.
'Right, of course. "He's not dead",' Rufus mimicked sarcastically. 'He's only been ... oh, shot in the head and doesn't have a pulse. But he's not dead.' He huffed. 'That would be absurd.'
Pascal, now leaning over the body, looked back over his shoulder. 'Stop being such a schoolboy.' He peeled his gloves off his fingers and dropped them on the ground. The jacket, too, he discarded with equal nonchalance. It looked incredibly out of place in the alley, its navy blue a stark contrast against the blood and the grime. It was too normal, too unnerving.
It's cold, he thought, shivering. Rufus heard his thoughts before they left his head. His breath foamed out through his nostrils, swirling sluggishly before him before dissipating entirely. Get a grip on yourself. The idiot is watching, he was thinking. Rufus smirked. The "idiot" was listening as well. He watched as Pascal kicked the clothes against the alley wall and focussed once again on the task at hand. He tilted the unconscious man's head carefully, cupping the liquid tissue that flowed out of his ear. Holding his palm up to his eyes, he squinted, then flipped his hand so the blood trickled down his wrist. Wiping his hand on his trousers, he resumed inspection.
'That's disgusting,' Rufus commented. Pascal ignored him. Instead, he turned the man's head over and continued pressing down at certain points around the wound. Rufus watched, his feathers more than slightly ruffled. He felt so very useless, but he'd never been good with dealing with the aftermaths of any situation. He was out of his element, and that irritated him. So he sat down on the ground. Pascal squatted down, too, moving his face closer to the man's.
'What d'you see?' Rufus asked.
'The corpuscles have ruptured,' Pascal said. 'Completely split apart. I can literally see the haemoglobin and finger the erethrocytes ... red blood cells,' he said, when Rufus looked at him blankly. 'His blood can't clot, his senses have numbed alarmingly. But the amazing thing is: the wound is shallow. It's barely scraped past his brain, and it's like he's in a really deep sleep.'
'So the man--he's...?'
'Alive?' Rufus nodded. 'Yeah,' Pascal said, shrugging. 'Pretty much.'
'So let's take him to the Hjem!' Rufus got to his feet excitedly. 'C'mon!' He grabbed the man by the legs and looked at Pascal expectantly. 'We'll take him back somehow,' he said. 'Or we could call for backup, but I'm not sure how long Ivanov will take to respond so we'll just have to...' He closed his eyes and tugged at the man's legs. 'We'll have to lug him back, ugh.' He looked at the other boy; Pascal was staring at him calmly, as if there was no hurry at all, as if the man was in no danger of dying any second. Rufus raised an eyebrow at the boy, sitting cross-legged on the ground, and scowled.
'Er, help me out here, maybe?' he said. 'Or are you too much of a high and mighty Haemo to do that?'
Pascal shook his head. 'We can't take him back,' he said quietly.
'And why the bloody heck not?' Rufus wanted to pull his hair out.
'He won't survive for longer than ten minutes at most,' Pascal said matter-of-factly. 'He's lost too much blood; there's nothing we can do.'
'Can't you--I dunno--seal the wound somehow?'
'His clotting mechanisms...' Pascal paused for a moment, tracing a line through the dusty snow on the ground. 'Well, let's just say that they might as well be non-existent. There's nothing I can do. But'--He raised his hand before Rufus could interrupt--'I can study him. I can collect a sample for the Hjem. We need to know what this weapon does.'
Pascal peered up at Rufus. From where he was perched on the ground, the other boy towered above him. He looked positively livid, his face red and blotchy, teeth gnashing like wheels against granite. His hands balled into fists. Pascal sighed heavily as Rufus's mouth opened to a tumble of hastily arranged words. He winced as spittle hit his face.
'Well, listen here, Mr I-think-I'm-a-hotshot-because-I've-come-from-Terran,' Rufus snarled. 'This guy--this guy has a life. And you need to be doing something about that. I've seen you Haemos heal wounds worse than he's got, and I can help rearrange the neurones. So you quit blabbering your mouth off about clotting mechanisms and put those pastel-hands to use, Pascal. And'--Rufus poked his finger into Pascal's forehead--'don't you say "No" and argue with me because there--is--no--time--to--argue. Fix him.' He gestured towards Heaney's body, hands flailing in a windmill-like fashion. His hair hung in tufts above his forehead, and his neck and cheeks were an unflattering shade of pink; in fact, he looked rather comical. Or ... he might have looked comical were it not for the way the colour of his eyes convulsed: from blue, to bright red, to a deep gold. The look in his eyes was menacing, and if there was one thing living in Terran had taught Pascal, it was that Neurapulsar could be very dangerous when irked. So he looked away. He nodded.
'I'll fix him,' he said stiffly. 'Although I don't get why it matters to you either way.' Rufus heard the las part, muttered underneath his breath.
'Trust me, Pascal,' he said through gritted teeth, 'it matters. Fix him, you earn my respect. At least try, you earn my respect. Remain stubborn and I will arrange an accident for you the moment you leave the Hjem's protection. And trust me when I say...' Rufus swooped down suddenly so his height was level with Pascal's. '...you will regret it if you refuse.' He straightened up, still glowering. Pascal let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding back. He placed his hand on the man's wound, trying to ignore the apprehension that rose inside him, like a sudden, unwanted chill. He cleared his head of thoughts, numbing his brain as he connected with the man's pain. A Pain-link, it was called, to decrease the man's pain, and to allow the Haemo in question to get inside his head.
'The sooner you start,' he heard Rufus' voice echo in his skull, 'the sooner you'll stop shivering like a cow being made to climb the Everest. Win win situation, eh?'
A sudden streak of pain shot through the back of his head; Pascal tried not to yell out. Then it ceased, and Pascal thought he heard Rufus whisper, 'Don't worry, Jule. He'll be all right.' But the pain came back, and Pascal thought about it no more.
His heart was suddenly too large for his chest, thumping against his ribs like a gong. His bones clattered against one another; pretty soon, all he could hear was their rattling symphony. Blackness dripped over his eyelids--actual, terrifying blackness. Not the kind that you saw when you closed your eyes, with the sun dyeing the membrane dull red, or when you entered a dark room. The inside of his head was like tar. He screamed inside his head as his skin burned, head feeling like an earthquake had split his brain apart. He cried out again. And again. Until his vision cleared.
It was as if an aerial had been set aright in his brain: An image formed, of gushing blood that pressed down on him like water, of cells and platelets. He saw, once again, their ruptured skins, splitting apart in a hundred different directions. But this time, the cells were far too close. Tentatively, he reached out to touch them. The image flickered.
Concentrate, a voice hissed through the tar-like heaviness. You can't mess this up.
Breathing heavily, Pascal reached out for a split in the cell closest to him. His hands snagged onto its membrane. It was like tiny fingers were pressed between his palms. He scrunched his face up in concentration, focussing as he twirled the membrane around his wrists and tugged at it. Deftly, he weaved the string-like structures together, knotting up the edges and patting down on the cell to give it shape. Satisfied, he continued the process, getting faster and faster as he did. Time existed in microseconds here, but Pascal has already spent too much time in the state of induced unconsciousness. Any longer and the actual pain-link he had established would be too much for his body to bear. He remembered what he had been taught; the results of a lengthy pain-link were disastrous.
Faster, he thought, feverishly knotting membrane together. Faster.
Almost done, Pascal's hand moved too quickly towards the top of the man's blood vessel. With a sickening 'sploosh', his arm lodged in the walls of the artery. He yelled; bubbles erupted from his mouth. He kicked wildly, trying to extricate himself. No, he thought desperately. He was running out of time. He needed to seal the wound.
His foot caught in a lymphocyte--a white blood cell. He pushed against the wall of the artery with one hand, kicking at the cell with the other. His limbs were burning up, sweat streaming down his spine.
I'm sweating in a bloodstream, he realised dimly. Ha. Haha. His breaths, now, were swift and fast, his chest rising and falling in a manner that was definitely not normal. Pascal panicked. He needed to cut the connection. Otherwise, neither he nor Thomas Heaney would live.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oh, look! We have another character to be introduced to without having our questions answered about the last one. Joy.
Hey, Pomp!
Despite my irritated sounding introduction, this was perfect as always. Let's see what I can attempt to dissect in this review ;P
The introduction is rather an interesting analogy, comparing a gaping hole in a skull to a laughing mouth. But it's captivating nonetheless and while the last chapter left me desperate for answers, this one begins with guiding us back towards what happened with Heaney. Very nice.
Then there reappears the name of Haemokinate. I'm assuming it's a surname? It also makes me wonder, once again, how this boy is related to everything. What's all this land they are talking about? (Some place starting a 'T' that I'm too lazy to go back through an pinpoint). I feel really lost at this point, struggling to figure out if these were normal people or not. Then, when it came to the part at the end when the healing happened, I had to entirely reread that. So he went into Heaney's head? Tried to fix things?
It was interesting to read about, but I'm really curious. This has to be some kind of other worldly magic. Obviously us normal people can't do this kind of thing, but I'm sort of left wondering too many things. How did he do it? Where did he learn to do it?
Another thing which sort of put me off occasionally, but I really love, is how you really take advantage of third person omniscient, swapping between each person as they see fit, but you never really get into their head. I remember a narrator from chapter one, and I bet they are all seeing, just so rude not to tell us what we need to know.
One final thing before I go off into the land of praise is it was just them the entire time, just those two boys. At some points it felt so ambiguous that I honestly couldn't tell how many of them there were. When Rufus went to go pick up Heaney, I could've sworn they was someone else there helping him? No? Maybe just clear that up a little. Use there names a little less often.
Okay, I lied. I have to mention this again: There is so much narration. It's really super dense in parts when someone really simple would suffice. I've read in other blogs that it's not always good to have a surplus of narration every, because it can seem intimidating and hard to sift through, but I still feel you're doing a great job with this, fully conveying everything that's going on. It's never really actions that I have to clarify on.
Once again, can't wait for the next part! (Don't you dare keep me waiting for months on end xD) Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hi Pompadour!
Wow, look how late I am to this party. Example a month late as well. Oh well >.<
I am actually going to make this short and sweet because I don't have too much to say and there really isn't more that can be added to previous reviewers comments. I think you did an awesome job with this chapter and as always, my favourite thing about this chapter had to be the descriptions. As usual, it was intricate, perfectly done and formed the most amazing images in my mind as I read. We also got to see how Pascal's ability worked and it is actually pretty interesting. We got to see his limits and how it works and everything... it sounds like a complicated power but you kind of showed it in a clear way that didn't leave any room for confusion. That made me very impressed.
What I am going to say is that this story is progressing pretty slowly... this is already chapter three and I feel like we don't know enough about the story. I feel like I am still reading introductions which isn't so good because the slow pace could leave some readers bored. And as much as I love all that beautiful description, I am going to say perhaps we need less of it so we can get the story to start running on a roll? Once we have something that will hook the reader a bit more I am sure you could keep on adding as much of it in as you are doing now. I am just worried about how little I know about the characters in general and the storyline itself.
The next thing you do after this is tell us what the next thing he sees is. It is true that after this you immediately go on to show his reaction to both things, but I wanted to see his reaction to this individually as well. I wanted to see if he would be less wary of a crater in a head than the thing that followed up. That way we could see the extent of injuries that will creep Rufus out.
Also, at some point Rufus says the guy is dead and doesn't have a pulse... but we never see him looking for a pulse so is he just assuming that? If so, let us know it is an assumption. If not, have him checking because I can't seem to remember seeing him do such a thing?
The final things I am going to mention (told you this wouldn't be long) is that Rufus says he is going to step out and do his thing, but then is constantly commenting and disagreeing with everything Pascal says. I felt like his useless feeling should've be emphasized a bit more, so that when he decides to speak up out of anger and make Pascal use his healing abilities on Thomas we can see the turnaround. We could even have Rufus thinking along the lines of this was a way he could be helpful, in charge and then have him explode in anger and make Pascal do his thing.
Other than that I can really think of nothing to add that other reviewers haven't happened to have covered already.
And it has been a month
Deanie x
Hey Pomp. This is going to be a fail of a review, just preparing you.
The reason I've been putting this off is because I honestly don't know what to say. I think all the chapters are perfect so far. I think that every character is perfect. Basically, I think that this is gold. You've also gotten so many reviews that are lovely and contribute everything and more that I would think to say, so I don't know what help I'll be. >^<
I'm basically here to gush praises. Your description is a beautiful combination of poetic description and dark action sequences. I love each character you introduced (I think my favorite is Hawk), and each chapter made me explode with questions that you better answer soon! XD Although I do think that soon it should move onto expanding the plot with these characters instead of introducing more, I'm completely in love with what you have here. I'm so interested to see how all these people fit together in this fascinating world you've crafted. I can already see a little bit of how they will be tied together with this chapter, inspecting Mr. Heany.
The relationship between Rufus and Pascal (when I saw his name I immediately thought of that chameleon from Tangled... sorry >.>) is just lovely. They seem very realistic even in the fictitious happenings around them. The medical terms you described added to the sense of reality within fiction, even though I have no idea if any of the terms are actually correct. XD The ending left me hanging, although I felt that it ended a bit too abruptly. Oh wow look a nitpick! I felt that more emphasis could be put on the ending, although now that I think about it, maybe a harsh ending is better. It shows the sense of urgency and leaves the reader reeling in shock. Hmm.
So overall, I think you have got yourself a novel-long fan. In each chapter there's this amazing feeling of magic and a dark sense of danger ahead. It's fabulous and I think it's beautifully crafted.
I'm sorry for such a positive review. I'm no good at beating things over the head. XD If you ever need me, I'd love to keep reading what you have and serve as a praise generator. :3 Awesome job, Pomp.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~Night
You're an absolute dear. <3 Hopefully the introductions will be over with by the next chapter and I'll start unraveling the plot. ^_^
Thank you for this. <#
Aw, no problem. Hopefully I can try to help more next time. XP
Heya, Pomp!
Too much description.
And it physically hurt to write that because your description is amazing and beautiful and flows like the brook by Matthew and Marilla's Green Gables, but is this necessary? Do we need to hear about this crater in his skull shaped like a laughing mouth? And why is "skull" used interchangeably with "head"? What's a laughing mouth shaped like?
And the clauses are so long and packed with information, I don't know which part to focus on. My first instinct is to skim. So I skim with the vague idea that we're examining a corpse and I read the next paragraph and ... more description. Not very intrigued. But. Cut some description from the opening sentence, establish variation, elaborate on unique imagery, and I'm intrigued. Writing's golden rule: Never use two words when one can do.
Stuff I love, besides (I really hope I didn't sound too harsh up there):
Single-sentence paragraph. I can't stress enough how much I love single-sentence paragraphs. They're like this quick shortcut to accelerating pace and hooking the reader's attention, and if they also happen to be the opening sentence ... boom, audience enraptured.
The contrast between "dark crater" and "laughing mouth" is priceless.
"The first thing Rufus noticed"--man, isn't that an attention-grabber! And a classic one, too. You executed it perfectly.
And that description. Yo. "Opening into the side of his head." It's that exquisite balance between detailed and leaving-room-for-interpretation that's so hard to find.
I think I'd recommend cutting it off at "skull." That jaggedness that reflects the character's thoughts. Also, shorter phrases pack more punch.
Sentence variation--you want this sentence to contrast with the opening sentence, so try switching things up, maybe: "The next thing [...] his neck, forming a pool [...] the granite."
Or a coordinating conjunction could work, too: "And the next thing he saw...."
These two follow the same thread of thought, so I think they'd sound better combined--a semicolon, M-dash, just any way to link them, really. Try to avoid repetition.
Or in other words, show instead of tell. Not in the description-y sense of the term, I mean, but incorporate the fact that he's queasy without outright stating it. And it could flow better if he actually saw the membrane instead of inferring it was there; add to his alarm.
Priceless.
There's a pretty sensitive degree to which sarcasm becomes fake, and most times it's because of a lack of transition--but that's an easy mend.
Try concluding it at "I'm gonna sit this one out."
Pause for a bit. The way this guy's acting, it only sounds like a mild reaction. And yet the narrator goes on to emphasize his struggle to remain cool, and discusses his body language and inserts italics and slang in his dialogue I'm guessing isn't ordinarily there, and I'm left wondering ... what's his actual reaction?
No fragments--doesn't indicate fear or a storm of emotion.
Keeps distance from the body, initially, and then casually examines the guy's wallet--did conversing with Pascal erase his hesitance?
Then he's mocking "you Haemokinate."
He apparently forgets his queasiness.
And why are they having this conversation with a bloody, mangled corpse in front of them? Wouldn't Pascal immediately begin examining?
I feel like the way this is phrased, the narrator's implying that the fact that he's a redhead is extremely relevant to his personality. Or maybe it's relevant to his Haekominate-ness, but anyway, it just threw me off a bit; and he isn't referred to as "the redhead" anywhere else.
I like the subtle way you introduced Rufus's bitterness, but looking back, it doesn't sound like something someone would actually say--the "all I see is a dead man" stilts things a bit.
Inserting humor in a dark paragraph just ruins that great effect, that spell that keeps your eyes glued to the page in suspense stories; the ideas are disconnected.
I love clever puns, though. And the description's too wonderful for words--I don't know how you come up with these similes; they're genius.
Quotation mark rules vary around the world, so maybe this doesn't apply; the way I learned it, though, the comma always go inside: '"He's not dead,"' Rufus mimicked sarcastically.
I'd recommend specifying who's thinking here.
Gosh, I wish I could speak medical jargon. XD
Words like "literally" and "haemoglobin" sound a bit strange next to each other, though. And fingering red blood cells ... that's not a phrase you hear every day. I'd try rewording things, just to maintain that professional atmosphere.
"No" should be uncapitalized.
And this leads me to wonder--if they're both capable of fixing him, but Pascal refrained, why did he agree with Rufus so readily?
Redundancy alert!
Sheesh, things are building up. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.
The relationship between Pascal and Rufus is great. I found Pascal realistic and Rufus entertaining--Rufus reminded me a bit of Silk from David Eddings's Pawn of Prophecy, that sardonic edge that made him so lovable to readers and so hated to his fellow characters. He was manipulative, cunning, sarcastic, but good at heart and not afraid to be afraid, and I wonder if Rufus will take a similar route. I can always count on you to put a unique spin on things, though.
And this rivalry between Haemokinates (plural "s"?) and Pulsar. Tell me mooore!
The thing I've known to be true with most writers is that their first few paragraphs are shaky, and then they get into this momentum as they go and run at full speed. I find my largest nitpicks located near the top of my reviews. So I'd just recommend spilling more focus on the beginning when you edit--the tone shifts a bit and the atmosphere's weaker--especially considering the beginning's your readers' first impression of your piece. The second and third paragraphs felt kind of unnecessary.
I'd say the part where I really got hooked was "'And he's not dead.'" Because that's the part where the dialogue and pace fell into place. Atmosphere, mood, tone, voice--all solid, all extraordinary.
Also, beginning, dead guy, intense description! Rufus trying to collect himself! We want actionnn. Cut ze dialogue and give us ze goriness. (The tricky thing about readers is that they have different tastes. And while most readers will happily devour the beginning of this chapter, there's that picky minority that like to criticize pace and whether adjectives are relevant and whatnot, and as they're part of our audience, we also have to cater to their needs. -_-)
One last thing: Rufus.
I can't pretend to be as skilled in character development as you, but Rufus came across to me as really ... forced, I guess. His dialogue just sounded fake and manufactured; the sarcasm was overwhelming to a point that it became unrealistic. And when the time arrived that another emotion dominated his voice, it sounded completely different to that of the bitter, sardonic guy I met in the second and third paragraphs.
At the part where he snarled at Pascal when he said he couldn't fix the corpse, I actually reread that several times just to verify what occurred--the shift was so sudden.
But otherwise, fantastic job! I've said it a billion times, but your description is otherworldly--you'll be one of those authors whose writing people quote a lot when you become published, just because it flows so well and the imagery is so intense.
Keep it up!
I DIDN'T GET A NOTIF FOR THIS.
Thank you so much for your on-pointe, fab as usual review, Flamey! Hopefully, both Pascal and Rufus' actions will make more sense in the next chapter, but Rufus isn't as scared at the sight of the body as he is at the memories it stirs up; I'll work on developing him, though.
Gah, you're so right about everything. Thank you thank you <333
No problem! <33
Ah, that does make more sense. (The stuff I was nitpicking didn't have as much to do with his character--the development here was amazing--as it did with consistency. I was probably being really unclear. The computer screen muddles your thoughts, blech.)
Post the next chapter soon!
Heyo Pomp, finally got round to reviewing this. This is probably the most accurate and clinically correct version of examining a corpse I've ever read. I wouldn't call it gory, really, but that could just be me. I am quite impressed with how you handled the examining of the corpse and healing it, your descriptions are great, your characters are strong. But I do have a few things I'd like to say about this chapter.
So, one of the problem I noticed whilst reading this chapter was the two of them seemed to pop out of nowhere. You have new characters in every chapter (so far), but with no subtext for the readers to tell us exactly who they are and their background. I understand if you're holding back information to create suspense or mystery, but just throwing the two of them in here is confusing.
I think somewhere down the line, you could have foreshadowed their appearance a bit more. Just snippets here and there, maybe some hints as to who they are.
You do a fairly good job with dialogue too, bringing out each of their respective personalities. Rufus is obviously the coward here, less intelligent and likes to order people around. But at the same time, he seems to pretty considerate as well.
Anyways, whilst I was reading the confrontation between Rufus and Pascal, this came to mind.
Who the hell these two are. Pascal has the ability to heal people, and judging by the term you labelled him with. I'm guessing he's some sort of expert with blood, whilst Rufus has the ability to hear thoughts and mess around with neuron cells and such? And the process in which Pascal entered the bloodstream I assume was somewhat vague to me, I'm not exactly sure how that was done. Did he project his mind into Heaney's bloodstream or what is it? Or do their bodies join together(considering the last line). This is what I'm talking about when I said you needed to tell us exactly who they are, give the readers some background. It'll give us a better image of who they are and why they're are. Cause and effect.
Ok, that's it.
Totally unhelpful review.Please keep writing, and ping me when the next chapter is up!-F.L
I didn't get a notif for this.
Thank you so much for the review, Sub!
I like this story, I felt like I was going through some bio class too. My favorite part:
"'Trust me, Pascal,' he said through gritted teeth, 'it matters. Fix him, you earn my respect. At least try, you earn my respect. Remain stubborn and I will arrange an accident for you the moment you leave the Hjem's protection. And trust me when I say...' Rufus swooped down suddenly so his height was level with Pascal's. '...you will regret it if you refuse.' He straightened up, still glowering. Pascal let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding back. He placed his hand on the man's wound, trying to ignore the apprehension that rose inside him, like a sudden, unwanted chill. He cleared his head of thoughts, numbing his brain as he connected with the man's pain. A Pain-link, it was called, to decrease the man's pain, and to allow the Haemo in question to get inside his head."
I really like Rufus as a character, the fact he forces Pascal to save the man shows his sympathy as well as good moral character. The end of the chapter did leave me in suspense however, will the man be saved (most likely not), will Pascal be saved or will both die? I like the direction it's heading. Nice story and descriptions!
Timmy here :3
Yeah, I know you already gave me a peak at this, and let me look at it for the tiny things that more irked me than were incorrect. But I can't help but feel beckoned to a pinging. >.< And, I always enjoy your writing. So here I am.
When I read through this the first time (with you in the pad), I had an idea where this was, but didn't really know exactly. And I only just now finished making the connection. Thomas Heaney. Shot. I remember the scene from the previous chapter where he was shot by that... woman? Wasn't it? I think I've read a few different versions of the previous chapter, so who knows. xD But the name brought all the past chapters to me and helped to make the connection. Yeah, now I truly know what is going on.
If you posted more often, this wouldn't happen.I think this should have been rated 16+ for disturbing rather than violence. xD But, yes, this chapter is probably the most gory of any you've written on this. The picture is almost too good sometimes, and I'm doing "Ewwww" while reading. That means you're doing a good job, right? heehee I enjoyed the visuals while Pascal and Rufus were inspecting the body. I thought your description was the best when Pascal was looking Thomas over. But I do think you over-did it on the detail in some places. You're going through with all of Rufus' talking, which I just loved - his sarcasm and in some places condescending attitude is awesome. I like his character a lot. But that isn't what I am talking about. In a few places, it's like you spend too much time describing a part, going through the smallest steps of actions - each tiniest of actions being given a sentence to express themselves. And it took away from your lovely chapter and style, because those parts were, quite honestly, a bit boring. :/
So the entire paragraph where that is coming from is what I'm talking about here. I just dun like pulling out huge sections of text. xD I am getting the non-stop action feeling from that part. Not action as in swords clashing and fist-fights. I'm talking about "he did this. he did that. he did this." And so on. You're going through a sequence of plain actions, and they don't have the energy of the parts where Pascal is talking, or there is a mixture of thought and dialogue and action. Having merely the movement of Pascal in that paragraph didn't seem enough, especially when you're putting in so much detail about what he's doing. I would actually, instead of adding to the paragraph to spice it up, remove and consolidate. Ask yourself if the reader really wants to know that, or if they would even care? Each action, does it add to the story enough to keep it? Is there a shorter way of saying it? My thoughts on the small section I pulled out above ^^ is that he's checking to see about the blood clots or something similar. Just how he's working with the blood... it seems as though he was trying to figure it out.
Also, in that small section I pulled out alone, I spotted three adverbs. Two of which were the same: slightly
I think my nitpicks on this sentence are obvious. ^.^ Separate joined words, and take out that extra "s" in focused. You got a rogue letter. o.0 Odd as it may be, I noticed a few technical nitpicks in this piece. And I am guessing you finished writing this on the feedpad, because there's more than one more occasion where some technical editing is needed. I think another read will help you pick them out. :3
Out of the two of them, I would say that Pascal is the one who's least compassionate, and Rufus cares the most about other people. From what I have seen of them, anyway, that's what it seems to be. Especially when they were talking about what to do with Thomas' body (alive or not alive). And when Pascal said he was alive, how they argued a bit and Rufus told him to heal Thomas or there would be big boo-boo times on the horizon, when he wasn't looking. Pascal also seems to be the more serious of the two, while Rufus will poke fun and have sarcasm battles with himself (I especially liked Pascal - an awesome way to introduce his character, since it displayed his personality so well). I would have to say that I like Rufus the best out of the two? Probably? I have yet to see them for longer than five pages (glares for more), but from what I see, he seems the coolest. Pascal is more serious, the one to get something done - like with the man. Pascal just wanted to get something done, and it didn't seem to matter what it was - whether taking something for evidence or healing him. His hands had to be moving, doing something. He also seemed the least disturbed by the body, while Rufus was hanging in the shadows, not wanting to see anything "disturbing" or whatnot. I think I would be hanging out in the same place as Rufus while Pascal checked the body. xD
The ending of the chapter? Absolutely amazing. I think that was the best part of the entire thing, and I loved the suspense and beautiful imagery in that part (as well as it being a new part of the chapter to me). And the cliffhanger makes me want to kill you. >.< You're so mean to me. Leaving me with the question hanging of "Are they both going to live?"
I wonder what's going to happen to Thomas Heaney. I am guessing he is going to survive, and tell something. He seems as though he'll play a big part of the book. I just need to hang on to find out.
Thank you for posting this, Dory. It has been too long. <3 (sorry for crummy review. not much to go on here.)
~Darth Timmyjake
Thank youu so much for this! I shall edit accordingly. ^^
[btw, it can be either 'focused' or 'focussed'; 'focused' is just the more common spelling.] <3
Ohhh... xD Is that another one of the English weirdness?
Yes, yes it is. :p