12+ Language

Elementárni ~ 2.1

A/N: The chapters will be getting really long from here onwards, and for that I apologise. I managed to break through my block and realised that my plot's more complex than I'd first thought, hence the delay while I straightened some things out. I know there are a lot of unanswered questions here, but pwomises they'll be answered soon. ~P

~*~

Chapter Two:

Acoustic Suppressions


Freight trains of lightning crashed through the darkening sky in perpetual disarray, whilst the wind whistled a tuneless melody. Electricity fizzled through the atmosphere, slicing through the clouds as cleanly as a butcher's knife. Warnings had been issued in Scarborough and adjacent areas, the meteorology department urging all people to remain inside until the natural hurling-of-bolts ceased. There was a high risk of getting struck and every bolt of lightning seemed to mark a spot nearer and nearer to the ground. It was dangerous. It was frightening.

And to a fourteen year old boy curled up against the window, it was breathtakingly gorgeous.

Hawk Mason placed a pale hand against the windowpane, dark eyes almost grinding through the glass as he took in the sky. His lips curled into a half-smile on his angular face. If he closed his eyes he could imagine the lightning, hissing and piercing through a cloudy abyss, up high where the atmosphere didn’t weigh down on anything. The wind whirling ... it felt so free. Hawk could almost sense the sheer adrenaline pulsating down his spine.

We’re in for one heck of a storm, he thought.

Dead, scrunched-up leaves swept up against the lounge window like miniature dancers, lashing and kicking at the glass. The wind lisped, causing Hawk to shiver. The cold was seeping into everything. It clung onto the heavy oak doors, on the carpet, on the apple-patterned wallpaper, and its nails dug into their skin.

Shifting himself so that his front pressed against the back of the sofa, Hawk leaned his forehead against the cold glass. Wisps of dark hair fell over his eyes and he pushed them back irritably, scrunching his nose up when he saw the clouds approaching: great, grey, heaving pillars that moved almost sluggishly through the hollowed-out sky. Cumulonimbus, probably, but he couldn’t be sure.

The fire crackled in the grate, warming his back, and its flames hissed. Hawk had been sitting there for most of the morning, trying to ignore the cold that rattled upstairs. It was a pity his aunt, Ann Bobby, wouldn’t let him light the fire in his room, though he couldn’t for the life of him see why she didn’t. ‘Children shouldn’t play with fire,’ she would say. Hawk frowned, breathing against the glass where it had fogged over. No matter how old he got, it seemed that he would always be a child. 

He pushed the curtains aside so as to be able to see better and registered vaguely how icicle-like they were, hanging so limply on either side of the window’s glassy lips. Like faded green leaves, frozen by Winter's malicious gaze.

I wish I had a telescope,
he thought irritably. The window was hardly the best place to be studying the weather, but Hawk thought that the sky showed signs of thundersnow, just as it had been for the last few days, except that the devil was moving closer. He had told Ann Bobby as much, but she hadn't shown much of a response other than her, 'Oh? Yes. Of course it is.' It was as though, over the years, she had grown to tune out Hawk’s rambles, on the long road-trips that stretched out through the night, and the dreary days where the rain would constantly clash against the pavement. Even now she was busy, talking about goodness-knows-what as she chopped vegetables and banged pots against the kitchen counter. Hawk could hear the clangs clearly from the room across the lounge. But he only caught a word or two of what she said over the sound of the wind rattling against the pane, and the man on the television who was droning on about a hurricane somewhere on the West Coast of the USA.

‘Temperatures have dropped alarmingly quickly and meteorologists all over the country agree…’

‘Need to pack…’ Ann Bobby said distractedly, as she entered the room, nearly dropping the cat into the fireplace as she tripped over the carpet (Puss let out an angry yowl); and hanging the kettle by the doorknob, from where it fell to the floor with a clang. ‘...and of course I can’t take you along, which is rather unfortunate, but seeing as I’ve never left you alone before—are you listening to me, Hawk?’ She was compulsively straightening the pictures on the walls as she said this, dusting at them with her handkerchief. Ann Bobby had a tendency to dust when she was nervous.

‘Hm?’ Hawk said, absentmindedly tracing lines into the glass. ‘Yes, of course I am. Have you noticed that it hasn’t snowed yet today?’

‘… the worst storm to date since 1945. Statistics show …’

‘… not listening, Hawk,’ Ann Bobby was saying now. ‘You’d think …’

‘… wind succeeded in creating great chills,’ the television droned, ’which may result in frostbite …’

‘… been telling you for the last half an hour …’ Ann Bobby’s voice echoed in his skull.

‘… and it appears as though weather all over the world is climbing to extremes.’

‘Hawk!’ A hand appeared on his shoulder and Hawk jumped from where he had been sitting, ear pressed against the glass. He stumbled to the side, falling over the seat and hitting his head with a dull thunk on the carpeted floor.

‘Oof,’ he said, as jet-black sparks filled up his vision and the world rocketed to-and-fro. He watched the ceiling swim around for a bit, then everything cleared and a disapproving, glaring face swooped in and blocked the wooden rafters from view.

‘Would you like to tell me what exactly you were doing with your ear grinding into the window, Hawk?’ Ann Bobby said, red-and-grey hair falling in loose tendrils around her as she knelt over him. Hawk sneezed violently in response.

Ann Bobby sighed. ‘Alright, then. C’mon. Get up.’

Hawk grunted, and squirmed around on the floor for a bit. His legs were still sticking up in the air from when he had fallen, and he wiggled his feet a little, watching his neon shoelaces dangle above him like glowworms. He managed to propel himself so he was sitting with his back against the sofa, and stood up, rubbing at where his head had collided with the floor.

‘That hurt,’ he grumbled.

‘That’s usually what happens when your head hits the floor, Hawk,’ Ann Bobby called, sarcasm evident in her tone. She was halfway up the stairs now. ‘Come upstairs. I have a couple of things you need to do.’ Hawk followed her, stepping carefully around the brand new carpet that masked the creaking wooden planks, and into the passageway. It was less old-fashioned as compared to the lounge, wallpapered in soft greens and blues, pictures lining the wall above the staircase. Most of them were landscapes. Ann Bobby didn’t like hanging up pictures of people. ‘Besides,’ she’d always say, whenever Hawk asked her, ‘the only person who really matters to me is you, and you’re here all the time with me anyway.’

Hawk’s mother had died years ago, but that was something Hawk didn’t really remember, besides garbled visions of a black-and-white funeral. In fact, it was strange how little he remembered about his mother, considering he’d been eight years old when It had happened. It bothered him a little, but he’d visited her grave several times with Ann Bobby, and he knew her name was Reine. Pictures of her—Ann Bobby had none. She didn’t have any pictures of her brother either, a man Hawk barely knew, and had never really met. As far as he was concerned, Ann Bobby was his family, and that was all that mattered.

Hawk slid his hand up and down the banisters as he walked up the stairs, still lost in thought. He skipped the last few steps, taking them two at a time, and entered the narrow passage that led to their rooms. It was darker up here; Ann Bobby had forgotten to turn on the light. Hawk frowned. Strange. Switching the light on, he tromped towards Ann Bobby’s door, tapping his knuckles against the wood.

‘Ann Bobby?’ he said loudly. ‘You wanted me here?’

No reply. The silence was almost ghostly. Outside, the wind howled like an injured wolf.

‘Ann Bobby?’ Hawk repeated tersely, gritting his teeth. If this was Ann Bobby’s idea of a joke, then it was not funny, he thought. He turned the doorknob, only to find that it was locked. Pulse skittering, Hawk’s stomach contorted with fear. He banged on the door. ‘Open the door, Ann Bobby. I’m—I’m sorry I wasn’t listening to you earlier.' He rata-tat-tatted harder. When she didn’t answer, Hawk put his ear to the keyhole, straining his ears for a sound. Maybe his aunt was just ignoring him. He heard someone groan on the other side, but it was barely audible, as if the sound itself was muffled by a mass of feathers. Quiet thumps, the sound of metal scrabbling against wood, then—silence. It pierced through Hawk’s heart worse than fear ever could. He kicked at the door. Harder.

‘Open the door, Ann Bobby,’ he pleaded, trying and failing to keep the fear out of his voice. He was overreacting, maybe, but Ann Bobby had been acting so … strange lately; quiet and withdrawn. Had she been eating properly? What if she had fainted or—what if she was sick or weak and hadn’t told him because he’d been so caught up in himself?

She’s been acting weird and cut-off ever since the move to Low Wood, Hawk, the voices in his head whispered. And you're noticing now?

Hawk gritted his teeth, laying his palms flat against the door and pushing—pushing, trying to ignore the guilt. It's true, though, he thought miserably. He'd been holed up in his room and Ann Bobby had been jumpy ever since those two men showed up at their hotel in Cornwall—two months ago. He remembered trying to catch sight of their faces, as Ann Bobby hurried him by the reception, but besides their burly backsides, he hadn’t seen anything. Now, though, as he slumped against the door, he wondered.

What was Ann Bobby so afraid of? For as long as Hawk could remember, he and his aunt had always been moving, from place to place, one creaky, old house to the other. Shifty glances, fear pooling in her eyes, Ann Bobby never told him why, and Hawk had eventually stopped asking. We distanced ourselves from one another, he realised. I grew caught up in my books and Ann Bobby in her worries. He mentally berated himself for not paying his aunt enough attention, before scrambling to his feet and focusing on the door again. The wood was softer nearer the bottom, he knew, but he needed to apply force from as far from the hinge as possible. He curled his hand up into a fist and raised it above his head, but just then the door opened with a decisive click. It hung open, just slightly, and Hawk pushed it open impatiently.

'Ann Bobby, I—' Hawk began, as he stepped into the tiny room, but he forgot what he was going to say.

What on earth?

The window was open, curtains flying like ruffled feathers in a storm. An open suitcase was lodged into the space, half the contents spilling out—clothes, mostly. Hawk didn't waste time wondering how the suitcase had gotten there, or who'd put it there in the first place. No. He was too busy staring at how the bed's mattress had been ripped open, the pillowcase that Ann Bobby used to stuff with documents thrown into the fireplace, not burnt, but with a poker stuck right through it.

And Ann Bobby was nowhere in sight. Hawk swore vociferously, fighting down the urge to scream.

He rushed towards the window, stumbling slightly over the contents scattered on the floor, and pulled the suit-case so it lay on the floor. He pushed the glass upwards until he could see outside. A world that was dead. The sky was swirling with clouds, and the woods were visible in the distance, trees like cardboard cut-outs, swaying in the wind. Their naked branches clawed at the sky.

If Ann Bobby fell out of the window—Hawk gulped, visions of a broken body filling his mind. Blood spewing out, bones bent at odd angles. He'd seen people fall from heights in films, and it was never a pretty sight. Breathing heavily, Hawk lowered his eyes to the ground, leaning his body outside the window—but, no. His eyes didn't meet with those of a corpse, but the flower-garden that had withered, dead from cold. Frost covered the bare ground.

'What the hell?' Hawk said, running a hand through his hair out of frustration. The other was clamped tightly on the windowpane. His knuckles were turning white. Where had Ann Bobby gone? How could she have just disappeared? It was surreal. She couldn't have climbed out the window either; she was fit for a woman in her thirties, yes, but his aunt had never been the kind to scale buildings within the span of five minutes, and then disappear from sight. Hawk felt dizzy, incoherent, numb. Ann Bobby, he thought. Ann Bobby needed ... be ... found.

'ANN BOBBY!' Hawk yelled in a last-ditch effort. The world was swaying around him. Nothing was making any sense. The wind howled back to Hawk's cries, as if telling him that the world didn't have to make sense.

OK, Hawk, he told himself. Get a grip on yourself. Concentrate. Ann Bobby didn't jump. What happened, then? Kidnapping? But even then there'd have at least been a tussle—some noise.
Hawk shivered, the hair on his back stood on end, and he realised.

Someone had unlocked the door. 

~End of Chapter Two, Part One.~

Comments & reviews · 12
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SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hey, Pomp!

Why is this so beautiful? Goodness, I totally had things to say too, and then by the time I got to the end, I completely forgotten it all. It sort of seemed like you had to get into the flow of everything, with the beginning being really slow, but the more I think about it, I realize that it may just be the descriptions again.

To be honest, this felt agonizingly slow at spots, being so very dense and loaded that I found myself pausing and not being able to fully get into the writing. Yes, I loved every word, it was just too much trying to be shoved down my throat at once and I had to pause, while in the end there was finally a steady flow without over doing anything. I was in the edge of my seat consuming everything you threw at me. And, now I want to skip this review and continue reading... Nice job!

I'll be honest with you, I had to pick these out as I read through, and they were fairly easy to spot since I was sort of detached in the beginning, but they are super nit-picky, it's not even funny, since everything else was so flawless.

It was dangerous. It was frightening.


This part seemed to stand out to me. Just repeating 'it was' seems a little too much, but I can see what you were going for. Maybe try just using the one word, like how you introduced the story in the last chapter?

Hawk frowned, breathing against the glass where it had fogged over.


While reading through this, I really paused for a moment. Why does it really matter that he breathed on the glass? He was sort of reminiscing in his thoughts, and the frown makes sense to show how unsatisfied her was, just maybe cut out the fogging over, because it's so minuscule.

It was as though, over the years ... on the long road-trips that stretched out through the night ...


What long road trips? >.< There is something definitely missing here. It goes from talking about how he rambles to too to Ann Bobby tuning out Hawk on road trips? Provide some more context for these road trips, because the thoughts seem very scattered at this moment.

Pictures of her—Ann Bobby had none.


This is really awkwardly phrased and sort of pulls me out of the story once more. Wouldn't it be so much easier just to say that Ann Bobby didn't have any photo's of Hawk's mother?

Whoot! I really did love this chapter and through it, I was really able to see what was going on. Just maybe tone it down more? Anywhosers, the first instant I saw Hawk's name, I thought of Mason Bernard. Are they related in some way...? (And did I write his name backwards...?) On to the next part! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

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Sonder
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Ermagersh I'm so envious of your skill right now. <3

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Apricity
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I will come back.

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GoldFlame
Review

Hey, Pomp!

Lightning swayed through the heavens like gargantuan pendulums; strike after strike, each flash was accentuated by another, brighter one. The forks of light themselves were well-defined, sometimes appearing as shafts where the clouds swooped over in a thin lining of chiffon.


When someone says "sway," I think clocks, pendulums, as you described, which is beautiful, because it reminds me of Back to the Future, bizarrely enough, with the lightning striking the clock tower, and there are already nine commas in this sentence, (ten) so I better wrap it up soon; but I can't visualize it.

Maybe it'd be easier if you tried a synonym for "dance"? Because those are wonderful. Waltzed, gamboled, discoed. (Pull off "discoed" and I'll donate you twenty points.) Or extending the idiom "fork of lightning"? Emily Dickinson did this, but I think you can do it better. You're a genius when it comes to metaphors. :D

From Tables in the sky
By inadvertent fingers dropt
The awful Cutlery


I'll kill a couple birds with one stone and go ahead and comment on the rest of the quote. This part...

strike after strike, each flash was accentuated by another, brighter one.


...was just filler. Its sole purpose was to maintain the flow.

And my eyes keep skipping back to the word "accentuated." I'm not sure what's wrong with it, though. How can "accentuated" be out of place? Isn't it prettier than "accented"? (But "accented" bounces off the tongue and "accentuates" just feels kinda greasy.) Or is it because the other verbs you used were more poetic, like "swayed" and "swooped"? Eh. I'm not sure.

Or the clause felt stiff? You typically use semicolons after you've established a hook (no idea if this is true, just a rule of mine), because semicolons--they indicate long, flowy sentences, and no one likes long, flowy sentences for a hook (again, no idea if this is true).

Feel free to ignore me. Instinct was the primary factor in sculpting these nitpicks, and I've learned looong ago not to trust my instinct. Because I usually focus on smaller details and not the bigger picture.

Technical: The comma after "another" ... I'd prefer that it wouldn't exist, but it's a stylistic choice. It mostly just seemed like compensation for the shift in atmosphere, after "pendulum": "each flash was accentuated..."

until the natural-hurling-of-bolts ceased.


When a group of words is hyphenated, it's because it's being used as an adjective, i.e.: "fourteen-year-old boy." Common mistake. ;)

There was a risk of getting struck,


If there's lightning, there's always a risk of getting struck. I think the narrator forgot an adjective: "high risk."

Hawk Mason placed a pale hand against the windowpane, dark eyes almost grinding through the glass as he took in the sky.


That article you linked me to--well, it was amazing, and now when I read, I find myself digging for connections between the narrator's gender and descriptions. Males, there's lots of describing the jaw and face shape; females, there's lots of describing the complexion and eye color.

So when I describe a character, it's my first instinct, colors. Which is why this let me down. And pale skin, dark eyes ... I'd love elaboration! Do what you're amazing at. :D

If he closed his eyes he could imagine the lightning, crackling and fizzing and piercing through a cloudy abyss, up high where the atmosphere didn’t weigh down on anything, but drifted along on its own.


The rule varies around the world, but it's usually "three or more words and the introductory phrase requires a comma": "If he closed his eyes, he could ... "

As for the rest of the sentence, I'm good with "crackling," but "fizzing"? Fizzing's also a kinda fizzy word, like soda bubbles, boiling water, and it doesn't fit, next to "piercing" and "cloudy" and "drifted."

The dead, scrunched-up leaves


I'd recommend clipping "the," as it implies that the leaves were referred to before.

the cold, foggy surface


This lines up too well with the previous quote.

when he saw the clouds approaching: Great, grey, heaving pillars, like blocks of iron; they moved almost sluggishly through the hollowed out sky.


Capitalization and colons gets messy. The skinny is, if there's a sentence following the sentence containing the colon that directly relates to the second half of the sentence containing the colon, then the second half of the sentence containing the colon should be capitalized: "approaching: great, grey, heaving pillars"

"Hollowed out" should also be hyphenated (see Nitpick Two).

The fire crackled in the grate, flames hissing like rattlesnakes in jars.


At this point the description gets to be overkill, not because of the simile, or the reappearance of the word "crackled," but because it doesn't serve much purpose. It also echoes the beginnings of previous paragraphs, so you get a "déjà vu"y sense.

(It's a great description, though; you could incorporate it into the lightning. ^.^)

Hawk frowned, rubbing at the window with his sleeve, where it had fogged over.


This was already mentioned when Hawk "pressed his palm against the window's cold, foggy surface" (and when he leaned his forehead into it).

He pushed the curtains aside so as to be able to see better and registered vaguely how icicle-like they were, hanging so limply on either side of the window’s glassy lips. Like faded green leaves, frozen by Winter's malicious gaze.


Since Hawk's personality was already established by his fascination for lightning, this part's unnecessary.

I guess I'm being brutal. I couldn't gush over your description enough! :D My mind works logically, so when I revise, I cut out every detail that doesn't need to be there.

But...

The paragraph structure. You know how, with corn mazes, they usually carve some shape, like pumpkins or a ghost? That happened here, but it was curviest at the end. And everything was so condensed it was overwhelming. The pace fluctuated. The atmosphere seesawed.

The clouds are low, Hawk noted, eyes keenly scanning what bit of the sky he could see through the window.


This's one of those instances where the internal dialogue would sound better incorporated into the narration. But I like what this contributed, in terms of fluency.

Hawk could hear the clangs clearly from the room across the lounge; but only caught a word or two of what she said over the sound of the wind rattling against the pane and the man on the television who was droning on about a hurricane somewhere in North America.


Grammary stuff:

The rule goes, semicolons act like coordinating conjunctions. They connect independent clauses and form compound sentences. But if there's a comma in the first clause--"When I finish here, and I will soon, I'll be glad to help you; and that's a promise I will keep"--you can use both a semicolon and a coordinating conjunction.

"Hawk could hear the clangs clearly from the room across the lounge..." ==> No comma there, so no semicolon.

North America's also a pretty large continent, so I'd recommend narrowing it down. Mexico, Greenland, the U.S., Canada. (It'd most likely be the U.S.'s west coast: accuweather.)

‘Temperatures have dropped, more so than usual, and meteorologists all over the country agree …’


Try "lower than usual" or "alarmingly quickly"--"more so" speaks like a seasoned writer. I'd also recommend converting "meteorologists all over" to a sentence. It sounds more official that way: "Temperatures have dropped, [insert stuff here]. Meteorologists all over ..."

Ann Bobby said distractedly, as she entered the room, nearly dropping the cat into the fireplace (Puss let out an angry yowl) and hanging the kettle by the doorknob, from where it fell to the floor with a clang.


Try to restrain yourself from recycling powerful words like "clang," unless there's absolutely, positively, unquestionably no other choice.

Grammar: The first comma isn't necessary. It's also better introducing proper nouns before general nouns: "dropping Puss into the fireplace (the cat let out an angry yowl)"

I can't really visualize Bobby Ann nearly dropping the cat into the fireplace. She'd have to fling it, or the fireplace would have to be directly in front of her, or maybe she'd trip, but it'd be a really wild trip that'd give her scrapes. (eek)

‘And of course I can’t take you along, which is rather unfortunate, but seeing as I’ve never left you alone before—are you listening to me, Hawk?’


The "which is rather unfortunate" sounds clunky. I know she's mumbling, and the extra words are there to unique-ify (you can tell my brain's fried) her dialogue (genius, btw), but I feel like it can be shorter--maybe: 'Of course [I omitted the "and" because it implies that she's being sarcastic] I can't take you along, and I know you don't like that, but..."

I think this is your best work yet--just everything about it: the dialogue, the character development, the pacing, and the description (by golly, the description). I could gush all day. :D

And you do not know how difficult it is squeezing my admiration into words.

Like, the descriptions. Are you even human?

Same with the character development--it's so well-executed. Ann-Bobby reminds me of Annie from Misery (but so much warmer) and Hawk reminds me of Doug from Dandelion Wine (maybe a little too much? I'd recommend spending less time on his fascination with the lightning and more on his quirks and flaws. He just seems kinda creepily mature at the moment.).

When I started, I didn't intend this review to be this short, but the strengths far, far, far outweigh the flaws, and I'm happy I didn't have to focus on trivial things like style and fluency.

Keep it up! (And tell me more about Hawk! He's epic.) :D

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TimmyJake
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Timmy here!

Okay, I am going to admit something, and this is going to be verrrrry embarrassing. Truly. Where am I in this story? What happened to the guys and gals in the other chapters? Ya know, Rufus and the whole bunch? Or maybe I am just totally lost---like usual. Probably the latter, though. Always is. If this is a different story, or if I am completely lost, or if I wasn't here last time, or if I have forgotten about this story, or if the dam exploded, shattering the windows of an abandoned hut in Antarctica, below the sea-level with the penguins in the Arctic, you be sure to let me know, okay? :D

So, my itty-bitty confusions aside, this was an amazzzing chapter. Your writing, your descriptions--too perfect. I just love how your story flows, and the descriptions are just too vivid and wonderful.

Acoustic Suppressions


Now why on Earth would anyone in their right mind want to suppress some acoustics? That is worse than murder! I am curious as to why someone would want to suppress that. :P Lovely title, by the way. Just lovely, even though its about suppressing acoustics.

If he closed his eyes he could imagine


Comma after eyes? I am not completely sure about that, though.

Hawk could almost sense the sheer adrenaline


Okay, there isn't anything wrong per se with this sentence, but its slightly confusing if you read if fourteen thousand times, looking for an error. Okay, so if he didn't sense the sheer adrenaline--because you said he almost sensed it, but didn't--then he can't almost sense it. Okay, that didn't make any sense. Here is what I am saying: If he didn't sense the adrenaline, then it doesn't belong in the story, because it didn't happen to him. That didn't make sense either. Bleh. I hate it when I can't get my point across.
Hopefully that made a teensy bit of sense.

Cumulonimbus, probably, but he couldn’t be sure.


This sentence seems out of place, when before you were describing the storm and what Hawk thought about it, but now its scientific facts? Doesn't seem right.

‘Temperatures have dropped, more so than usual,


Comma not necessary after "dropped"?

but he forgot what he was going to say


This sentence plays down what follows directly after. I mean, if he merely forgot what he was going to say, then its like, Oh, he has a terrible memory--not preparing us for the shock ahead. I think he should stop with more of a sudden lurch.

'What the hell,


Erm, isn't that a question? It don't have no question mark. :P

was swaying


"was swaying" brings you to the passive voice. "swayed" gives you the active voice, which Microsoft Word (and others) tell me is the way to go. :P

when It had happened. It bothered him a little,


purposeful capitalization of the first "it"?


This was amazing, Dory. I love your style of writing, which could be seen as somewhat poetic, but then not. It has that wonderful flow, that vivid imagery, yet it still retains that groundedness (sooo a word!) of a story and what its all about. And characterization! I think we are in agreement with development of characters. Tis a must! A definite must. Developing the character is the most fun part of writing a story, and without it, makes your story nothing but pretty words. You have captured the perfect style in this chapter. Don't. ever. stop. When you write this, all of your skills in writing came together in a wonderful climax--except this climax isn't going to stop. Never stop.

The ending! Second chapter, and you give us a cliffhanger? How dare you! But it is so brilliant. <3 I love it so much. Cliffhanger endings make me want to read morrree, and then more. And it leaves you with more than just suspense. It leaves you with questions, mystery. All of those elements come together to leave your reader on the edge of their seat, waiting for your next chapter. Why? Why do I have to wait.

Don't worry about long chapters none. I have one in a book (you haven't read this one) that is 8200 words long (roughly 25 pages), so you're fine. No worries. If it every does get too long, you will know where to cut it. ;) You always do.

May the hair on your toes never fall out. Um. Yeah.
~Darth Timmyjake

Thanks for the wonderful review, Tim!

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GoldFlame
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Wow. I feel very small right now.

Hawk's like Douglas Spaulding. Dandelion Wine. I already love him. :D

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AdjiFlex
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Well, well, well, I have found here a pot of gold I see. The descriptions here are possibly the best I've seen on the sight overall - pretty darn impressive! I usually have a problem, though, with stories not really moving the plot forward after like 10 or so paragraphs (or 3 or 4), but I enjoyed the descriptions so much that I won't mark you down for that. The characters focused on here were really developed in this chapter, and the world itself is well developed, made pretty vivid. There is an air of suspense and chaos throughout the whole chapter. We just know that something is on the brink of happening, and nature is showing it quite well.

There were no glaring grammatical or syntactic blunders here, nor typos or anything of the sort, so I already feel like I am reading the work of a pro. Yes, your chapter was long (but mine are generally just as long or longer so no complaints there), but it was really enticing so I didn't stop until I read all of it.

Keep posting quality works like this. This length might scare off some reviewers but this quality will earn you some followers.

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Deanie
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Deanie wrote a review · Thu Jul 10, 2014 5:38 pm

Hey there :D

I did say I would trying to review your works even though they usually end up as comments or terribly short when it comes to your writing. Because it's so good, that's why! This chapter didn't lower my high expectations either. You've carried on with your lovely style and brilliant descriptions of everything that makes the whole chapter fit so well together. I think what I liked most was your description of Ann Bobby being gone and Hawk's panic as he searched for her and tried to piece together what has happened to her. Because you're using Hawk, does that mean this is like a combination of Hawk's Eye in there too?

What a cliffhanger :D

One thing I didn't like so much was the amount of attention pulled to that window. Sure, I didn't mind when Ann Bobby was bothered with him about it. But when you're in narrative tet and just speaking about him by the window, it did get a bit boring because we were pulled to focus on it for so long. First you mention the coldness by the window and all, but later the television gives us a more in depth explanation to the cold and why it is there. So maybe a brief mention of him realizing it isn't snowing is all we need? Also, in one paragraph by the window he mentions the clouds and what type it might be, if I am not mistaken... only two paragraphs later to focus on the clouds again. A bit repetitive and not really needed in both cases.

In fact, it was strange how little he remembered about his mother, considering he’s been eight years old when It had happened. It bothered him a little


You used 'little' pretty close together. Perhaps change one? Like the second little to 'bit.'

Pictures of her—Ann Bobby had none.


Because of the way you cut off this sentence, it made me feel like there were pictures of his mother somewhere. If this sentence is to be left as it is, I would just leave it as something like 'Ann Bobby had no pictures of her.' So the dash isn't needed. But if you want to stick with that word order and have the dash in there, maybe something like 'Pictures of her--Ann Bobby had none--but there had to be some somewhere.' Or something like this :P

Otherwise... this is as awesome a chapter as you always write. Keep me updated, and I'm glad you've taken the time to figure out the complicated plot. I'm interested to see it all unfold ;)

Deanie x

Beanie! Thank ye for the splendiferous review! I've actually given up on Hawk's eye, and took its characters for this novel. It's a weird mesh-up-kinda thing. So ... yeah, a combination. XD But Hawk is still an MC.

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Lava
Review
Lava wrote a review · Thu Jul 10, 2014 4:55 pm

Door, this is gorgeous!
I don't think I've read anything by you (or.. I don't think I have), but this was really good. I don't usually review fantasy, but I decided to give this a read (mostly because I thought this was categorized under sci fi.)

Anyways, onto comments that popped in my head while reading through:

I like the chapter's title. Nice.

The opening line confused me, but, since I haven't read the other parts, I'm letting it slide. (Also reminded me of cottage cheese. I guess I'm hungry. It's lunchtime.)

"A sudden flash of lightning swayed through the heavens, like a gargantuan pendulum, except that each strike was followed by another, brighter one."
There was a sudden flash and then a series of flashes? Try to phrase it in such a way that it is a bit more logical that there are multiple lightning flashes.

But besides that, the whole descriptive first couple of lines " are gorgeous. It painted a realistic scene in my head - and your descriptions weren't overly flat and lacklustre. This was good.

"His legs were still sticking up in the air from when he had fallen" Hmm. So, I picture him falling backwards, hits his head, legs are up in the air; but I would presume that they almost immediately fall back on to the floor. Gravity and all? Or are you messing with a world where gravity is different? Ooh!

I like how you built some mystery and tension into this.

One thing that confuses me a bit is that that it's a bit difficult to imagine a 14 year old with this level of insight and perception. I mean, I know it's fantasy, but, just saying that this throws me off a bit.

As for some things that may or may not follow this chapter - I think Hawk hassome sort of understanding of storms and how it works. Does Ann Bobby know about this? If yep, then she shouldn't have dismissed his intital sentences, so I'm guessing she doesn't.
If she;s never left him alone, does this mean he has traveled with her? What are the usual travel preps like for them?
Hmm, I 'm also interested in understanding which century this is in? Obviously they have TVs. And it's past 1945. But how far back or far ahead? That would be an interesting element to this.

Anyway, this story has me intrigued and invested.

I hope to see more.

Cheers,
L



I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling