Young Writers Society

Hi Pompadour!

Oh would you look at that. It's almost September and I am reviewing this now >.< Either way, happy review day and I will try my best to leave a decent review after all the wonderful feedback you already have.

This was quite an interesting chapter. We do get two point of views which is wonderful, and I liked seeing inside Rufus's mind the most because we get to see how he is panicking as well and not quite sure what to do. Even if he was the one who pushed Pascal to do this, he does care a whole lot more than he lets on and now he is seeing the mistake he made. As well as that, we're getting to see Pascal inside his pain link and how he has tried all he can but is now feeling like it is worth giving up. I loved the part where he is imagining what he would look like and you some wonderful descriptions. As always, your writing style is simply perfect. We're getting to see their abilities in motion a lot more and have learned the limits to Pascal's.

This was a pretty short chapter but it is basically the first time we are getting this much insight into Rufus's mind and the first time we are getting to see his character a whole lot more from his own point of view. And it was so short! I did want some more of his part so that we could learn more about the reasoning for him doing this that he tried to push away in his mind. I wanted him to think of what he was going to do if he ended up alone. I wanted to be able to really feel his frantic thoughts darting from one scenario to the next. Yes, you did a good job of showing us his guilt and regret, but not enough of showing us his own raw panic. We do get that from Pascal's point of view (and rightly so because he is dying,) but I could have used some more of it here.

He was regretting having used the Influence on Pascal just so he could get the boy to save the man.

The Big Review

Howdy, Pomp! Darn, do I love this book so far. While I was reading all the other chapters, I had to keep on reminding myself that I wasn't reading the words of some professional author's published book. I was reading an unfinished novel on the Young Writers Society, consisting of the words of a seventeen-year-old borg kitty named Pompadour. Oh, and did you hear? English isn't even her first language.

Your first chapter was especially professional-like, beginning in first person and developing into third, leading the reader through the story with beautiful descriptions and ending with a chilling conclusion. Bravo! Thus far, plenty of diverse characters, a clearly thought-out plot, and a simply enthralling style leaves me spellbound.

Recommendations
Chapter 3, Part 1

The first thing Rufus noticed about the dead man was the dark crater gaping out of his skull, like a laughing mouth that opened into the wrong side of his head.

He wasn't even looking at him, Rufus realised, his eyes still roving across the man's injury like sunlight over the equator.

Rufus watched, his feathers more than slightly ruffled.

Rufus heard the las part, muttered underneath his breath.

He grabbed an erratic limb—Pascal was flailing as if trying to swim—and ducked as his hands swiped for his head.

He grabbed the shorter boy by the shoulders and shook him.

He was clinging onto the shoulders of somebody’s thin air.

Heyo~
This is for the Big Review. Trying to find something to review for you is very challenging! I haven't read any of your previous chapters, but I'll try to help you out with this one. I've skimmed the other two reviews, but I may repeat something. I'm sorry if that happens >.>

It's so hard to find something to review because you're so dang good at your art, and your reviewers are very talented. The second to last paragraph is great. Very powerful. I've jumped into the middle of this and barely know the kid, and I'm afraid for him.

The one big thing I'm missing here is description. There's tons of magnificently done inner dialogue, but I don't know what things look like. The big point of description you have is in feeling. Perhaps your description is elsewhere, but I think this chapter could benefit from a little though obviously it would have to be well done and well placed to keep the fast tempo up that suits the suspenseful tone of this chapter.

The one big place I'd like to know more about, mainly visually, but also in dealing with the other senses is where you talk about what Pascal is doing while linked. Even if you've done this in a previous part, I think you should still add a few bits and pieces here and there about what he's seeing and experiencing, not just what he's doing.

Rufus had moved forward the moment Pascal collapsed, as if by impulse, face drawn in consternation.

Hey, Pomp! I'm so sorry, but I'm lazy and I'm not reading Gold's fabulous review xD Think that if I repeat something, it really needs to be fixed.

As always, I really can't help you stylistically. It's too perfect. And even though I've noticed the style has very much changed, all those thick descriptions finally out of the way (or we've hit a spot where we don't need them >.> ) it still feels nice and seems to fit. With what I remember of the novel anyway.

Speaking of not remember, I'm sort of at a loss about what had happened before and why things are like they are. I do remember Pascal going into that man (totally forgot his name) to try and save him, with some encouragement from Rufus. Now you tell us that Rufus was using some of his magical powers to influence Pascal into making this choice? I don't recall ever thinking that something was wrong about it from before, so I guess you did a great job painting over that while in Pascal's perspective for that time

Now onto perspectives. In the first three chapters, we've already gone through five perspectives. So I can very well tell that this is written in third person omniscient, but whoa. Slow down there a bit will you? I haven't read very much literature written in this perspective, but the ones I have seem to have a patter to which they always come back to a certain character that the novel focuses on. Perhaps it's too early to tell, but there hasn't really been a 'returning character' if you will yet. Maybe it feels much longer because of the huge gaps between uploads, but it's a little confusing. There are so many mysteries that never get answered because we move on to another character.

With mysteries in mind, I feel like there is too much unanswered. Aside to the flawless writing and style (UGH perf <3), it sort of frustrates me? It seems that I'm longing to know answers to other things that happened, with the fantasy, but it seems like so much is just being shoved into my face that I can't make sense of it all, and I don't know what any of it is. Something about the Warnings in the first chapter, and then Pascal being this complicated name, and then the Influence? How does Rufus do this? I'm so confused.

So, my advice is to perhaps be a little more linear? The jumping around is fun and all, but perhaps save this for when we're more solidly rooted into the book, because if I were reading this as a published book, I'd be too confused to go on. I'd just put the book down.

Hope I helped a little, compared to everything Gold did xD Happy review day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare

Heya! I'm going to start with the negatives this time, and just kind of pour my thoughts out as they come.

The fantasy aspect hit me a bit abruptly, considering the first two chapters were description-packed and slow-paced, for the most part; the tone was indicial of realistic fiction. But then we take a turn to increase the single-sentence paragraphs, and the story shifts from character-driven to plot-driven.

Background story: It'd serve better if it wasn't included at regular intervals. Like some variety of introduction, I think. All this stuff you're giving us is obviously important, and the reader struggles to focus on it in addition to the character-drama goriness; an introduction would spare us from that. It'd be the mother bird chewing the food for the baby birds.

You might've gotten too invested in maintaining the reader's interest, trying to subtly incorporate background info.

Visualize a loaf of pull-apart bread. You know the kind where it's sliced not-all-the-way-through and fanned out, as opposed to the disks of dough that fuse when you bake them. And you stuff cheese/vegetables/sauce between the slices. Say the background info is American cheese and the story is a French baguette from a distinguished bakery. You're trying to hide the cheese, and in this case the background-cheese actually tastes delicious, but the baguette is the real character in the show; you want to pack most of the cheese at one end so the rest of the baguette isn't affected.

The thing is, we're at the part in the baguette where it's the exposition, which is solely dedicated to background story. In the middle of the novel you'd definitely make it subtle, but in the exposition we're all new to this stuff, and the reader kind of requires the cheese.

Also, speaking of the exposition ... we just met these characters, but man, things got heavy fast. (I'm going to make a connection to The Fault in Our Stars even though your writing's way better. >.>) It's like in The Fault in Our Stars, where Augustus died before he was fully developed and John Green treated him like a fleshed-out character. Hearing "I've never felt so much pain in my life, I realize now that I loved Augustus, I don't want to attend his funeral to listen to people talk like they knew him" didn't lend to the sadness; it created melodrama.

And I know the intent was to make things realistic, but it was difficult sympathizing with Pascal and Rufus. Bits like "He was going to die. ¶ It was funny in a way, he thought" felt melodramatic, fake; and in the exposition, it's usually good to remain detached to ease the reader into the story.

Consistency: Make sure the tone says dark. You did pretty amazing for the most part, but pieces like "far from it, in fact" and "not even bothering to feign disinterest" detract from the seriousness.

Onto ze smaller details!

Tárni

having used the Influence on Pascal just so he could get the boy to save the man

He grabbed the shorter boy by the shoulders

Toss a coin, Rufus, a voice in his head hissed.

His lips pressed into a thin line; he shook his head. He wasn’t giving up. This wasn't what Ivanov expected of him….

His hands shook as he placed his hands

Rufus had never seen a Haemokinate at work before, so he observed closely, not even bothering to feign disinterest—as he would have done, he knew, if Pascal had been more aware of his surroundings.

Then—the strangest thing happened, and Rufus swore he had lost his senses, but—

bursting into a thousand pieces

~*~

It was funny in a way, he thought. He imagined, for a moment, how one would explain his death. ‘Oh, he was being stupid and established a pain-link when he shouldn’t have, then he messed up and had a panic attack. In a bloodstream. Poof. Gone. Easy as that.’

He could visualise himself now: his red hair plastered to his face

His face was chalky, limbs loose and hanging like a marionette.

Pascal’s eyes clamped shut. At the same moment, the world split into two.