Doors don't open on their own, as is a general rule, Hawk knew. He also knew, besides this, that for a door as heavy and old as the ones at Low Cottage, an ample amount of force was required. These ever-so-logical thoughts flitted like deranged birds across Hawk's mind and his hold on the windowsill tightened, knuckles turning from red to white to blue—all in quick succession. His jaw tightened, his heart thrumming unsteadily. A sense of uneasiness washed over him, but he kept his eyes trained on the sky, thinking.
Hawk systematically checked himself over for the emotions he was experiencing. Anxiety. Confusion. A blistering headache—although that wasn't really an emotion, he supposed—and a mounting sense of fear.
His hands hurt. The wind blew the clouds around wildly, like whitewash sails gliding in the heavens. His teeth chattered as the cold slammed into him and his chest constricted with the strain of holding onto the windowsill.
Turn around, idiot, his brain finally shouted at him.
He complied. Reeling himself back through the window, he tried not to trip over the battered suitcase that still lay on the floor. Shivering, he rubbed at his bruised wrists and cast a wary eye over the room. The open door gaped at him like a rectangular mouth, its oak lip creaking slightly in the wind.
But there was nobody there.
Hawk exhaled slowly. It wasn't out of relief, exactly, but it was good to know that there had been no one standing behind him. He shivered as his imagination went into overdrive, images of black figures with heavy hands swirling through his mind, sharp talons pressing down into his shoulders, wedging into his skin...
You really need to stop overanalysing things. Focus, Hawk. He shook his head furiously as if trying to rid it of all tangled thoughts. His eyes glided across the room and its contents, sliding swiftly from one item to the other. The bookshelf by the bed was empty. Ann Bobby’s Mary Higgins’ books lay on the floor in a haphazard heap; their faded, paperback covers stared at Hawk mournfully. Littered all along the floor were other objects, like clothes and books, albums, photo-frames Hawk had made for Ann Bobby a long time ago…. It was as if someone had carelessly attacked the room with a scalpel. Hawk’s arms hung limply by his sides as he surveyed the wreckage. His jaw tightened. The cogs in his head whirred at double time. But it was impossible to make sense out of something so unquestionably insane.
His eyes strayed to the fireplace, and the pillowcase that had been tossed there so carelessly. Pages stuck out of the fraying seams, but it didn't appear to be burnt. Shaking his body from its daze, Hawk jumped over the paraphernalia that littered the floor, making sure not to step on anything. It would be impossible to call the police—that was an option Hawk had weighted out even before it had begun to form, but he figured it would be best not to touch anything, even so.
Shifting a pile of clothes out of the way, Hawk bent down and placed his hands flat on the carpeted floor. He could feel ash beneath his fingers and, sure enough, when he lifted his palms he saw that they'd been blackened. His brow quirked up in confusion. Strange, he thought. Ann Bobby's always so careful with the fireplace, so neat. She must've been really worried if she didn't bother herself to—
Something moved behind him. A flash of scarlet that he saw out of the corner of his eyes, if only for a second. He heard it skid along the floor.
Hawk stood up abruptly, placing a hand against the wall of the fireplace. His eyes were dark, shadowy pools that seemed to cut right through the stillness—for everything was still. His expression lost some of its intensity as his frame sagged, and he rubbed at his head. He was hallucinating ... there was nothing there. The confusion had exhausted him, that was all, and every little movement stirred a series of anxieties within him. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. He felt helpless and idiotic and confused and--just so angry.He needed to do something ... anything.
OK, he argued with himself. You don't know where Ann Bobby is; that much you've pretty much established by now. Assess the situation at hand instead. Could someone have taken her away? Why didn't they just take her and leave? Did she put up a fight? Maybe—maybe she left a clue, Hawk. It's a flimsy, stupid thing to hope but—what's out of order?
Everything.
His eyes burned with tears, but it was too cold to cry. Hawk wondered vaguely if it was cold enough for tears to freeze, and if they could turn into icicles on his skin. He slid his back down the wall and placed his head on his knees. The plain walls seemed to mock him with their whiteness, like bare icy faces that were intent on staring him down. Everything was made of ice. The curtains flapped as the wind struck the side of the house. Hawk couldn't muster the will to get up and close the window. A thick silence permeated the room; he could barely hear himself breathe.
Outside, the day grew dim. Clouds heaved like breathing furnaces; shadows bore down on Low Wood and swallowed it whole. The temperature dropped even further and night breathed mist on the windows.
Inside, a fourteen-year-old boy huddled up in the corner, a shock of dark hair falling over his forehead. His face bore no expression. His eyes were caverns filled with vacuum. He shifted slightly as the cold pressed down on him. Tears ran down his face, bubbling and hot--nothing compared to the conglomerated emotions that festered inside him. He rubbed at his face with the corner of his sweater. His nose turned scarlet.
He didn't notice the man with the hooked nose watching him as he cried. He didn't see his eyes, flashing gold in the dark, or the red tattoo of a sun on his wrist. If he had looked up, perhaps, he might have seen the Tárni, with his penetrating, golden gaze, and wondered why he was there. He might have attacked the man, or yelled at him with those sudden spurts of swinging energy that all humans possess.
But he didn't.
And it wasn't until sleep began to cocoon him that he heard someone say, 'You'll freeze to death if you stay there all night.'
'Shut up,' Hawk whispered, thinking it was his mind messing with him again. The man laughed lightly.
When he was sure the boy was knocked out, he draped a torn blanket over his still form and closed the window. Picking up the pillowcase stuffed with documents—the one that Hawk had failed to inspect before being Silenced—he left the room.
The door clicked shut behind him. The man's eyes flashed in the darkness of the hall, switching from dull blue to gold like a crazed SOS signal. He held two fingers to his lips and spoke, in a crisp, business-like manner:
'This is Trebelkum reporting. I've got the boy. I think he's a haemokinate, but I can't really be sure—not at this point.' He could barely keep the excitement out of his voice. 'No sign of C yet,' he went on, eyes turning sombre, 'but I want to get back before tomorrow, just in case.' He wracked at his mind for any other information he needed to convey; long distance messages weren't easy to send. 'Oh,' he added quickly, before the call cut short, 'make sure you check up on Naddie. Give her—’ He hesitated. ‘Give her my love.'
A shrill ringing sound pierced through his ears as the message dispatched itself. It would be whizzing along now, through the electrostube, mingling with a dozen million other voices and sounds and screeches as it went. A satisfied smile hoisted itself on Trebelkum's face as he tromped down the dark hallway and settled himself at the top of the staircase, splaying his long legs out and laying his head against the banister.
All he had to do now was wait.
~End of Chapter Two~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey, Pomp!
How am I supposed to critique this master piece? Honestly, this is my favorite part of all of them, having a much better balance between description and narration and some action in between. It was much slower though, which is perfectly alright. There wasn't much else action to happen. Though, I really wonder about this man at the end. By the way he talks about Hawk makes it seem like he is the enemy, saying 'he got the boy'.
There are so many other things we are left wondering. Where's Ann Bobby? The man specifically points out that Hawk hadn't checked any of the documents before he was... Silenced? Thinking more about this, I really wish there weren't so many questions being asked, and not answered. How was he 'Silenced'? That part made me sort of stop and think. Did the man do something to Hawk?
There seems to be lots of magic floating around here, lots of stuff we can't understand yet because our main narrators are in the dark about this. Which makes perfect sense. Since it'd be difficult to inform the reader with stuff the character doesn't know yet.
Now, let's look a bit at the connection between chapters.
Where is it? I'm really wondering why the first man, (Heaney?), was mentioned in the first place. There has to be something up with him? Why is he so special and then suddenly dies? What is up with that. Still, this is only chapter two and there is still tons of time to connect everything. So I await
Tiny little nitpick which stood out to me ~
Why a scalpel? What of the crime scene reminds him of a scalpel? This is just sort of a random, unnecessary detail. Maybe if I understood why the comparison was relevant it wouldn't irk me so much.
Anyways, still loving every moment of this! Can't wait to see more (and yes, most of these will just be my thoughts and what it makes me feel like, because that's rather important to know as the writer). Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing!
~Wolfare~
Oh hai Pompadour! Look who's a little bit late to show up to the party

After seeing those amazing two reviews below this I wondered what there could possibly be left for me to add! I didn't have a chance to read them fully, so I apologise if I repeat anything myself, but I will try to do my best! I may have to keep it short and sweet though, because in general there really isn't much I can say to begin with. You know how much I like your writing, so I won't add on to your ego by going on and on about it. Well, maybe I will a little
First of all I want to tell you the first two things I loved about this chapter. One would have to be your descriptions. The house and the wreckage were so clear for me to see and you even managed to slip in some of my favourite words there like paraphernalia and haphazard and they didn't even seem out of place (which is often in the case when it comes to descriptive writing.) And secondly, it would be the emotions. I could clearly feel Hawk's confusion, fear and also hopelessness. When he started to look through everything and asked himself what's out of place and answering himself with everything - I could clearly feel how crushing that thought was. I wanted him to ask himself what wasn't out of place, but I don't blame him for curling up and trying to shut out the world after that happened.
One thing is that this sentence could be written in a way that is much easier to read. I would rewrite this as: It was a general rule that doors don't open on their own, and was something that Hawk knew.
I felt like the first paragraph of this had a very awkward flow when reading it. The rest of the chapter was perfectly fine, but it was the beginning in particular. I think it could've been because of the abundance of commas. There are more than one ways of putting any sentence, and I am sure if you tweak and play around with that paragraph you can find ways of putting the same thing and cutting down on the amount of commas used. Othewise it sounds choppy and isn't as nice to read when it all flows into each other.
I think you need to get rid of the 's' on the end of head. I am pretty sure Hawk only has one
No comma here!
I felt like I missed something out here a bit. I wanted to know how this man knocked Hawk out. Did he even notice at the last minute, or was it just too easy, without him making but a whimper in surprise or defense? I know it's only a small part of the chapter but it's the first bit where we see this man involved with Hawk, and as I am reading this I don't want to miss a thing.
I like the aura of mystery we have here around the man and his purpose with Hawk and his aunt. Looking forward to chapter three, so please do let me know when it is posted! I don't really have much to say here, so I hope this is at least a little bit helpful ^.^
Deanie x
I didn't get a notif for this! DX
Thank you so much for the review, Beanie! Always helpful. <3
Timmy here!
Now one thing I realized when I saw this… This character is one of those I began YWS with. I believe ole’ Hawk was one of those precious people I began reading about when I was just a new guy here. And here we are again, seeing more of him. I always enjoy running into old friends, and with Hawk, I feel that way. That’s also a hint that you should be posting more of this, by the way. If you didn’t notice. ^.^ hee-hee
Let’s get going.
Forgive me if the plot escapes me somewhat, but I believe he was walking into his Ann Bobby’s house, and had found it an exploded wreck. I can take it from there.
Now this is something you do occasionally, and it isn’t a huge deal at all – most of my nit-picks rarely are—but I think it’s worth mentioning, just so you can remember it for later. When you write sentences, one of the objects I have always thought was so important was the flowwww of the sentence. Now, your work flows like melted butter, but there are some places where it catches. And with your writing, I would have to say it would catch on the few places where you structure the sentences awkwardly—therefore needing lots of commas.
I have always thought of commas as jerks in the story, although in most cases, quite necessary. But if there is a way you can structure your sentences to avoid putting an overabundance of commas, especially with a small part in-between them, it’s best. Like with the sentence I pulled out:
Something like that, anyway. Egh. You could write that much more better. My two changed words ruin the effect of the sentence. Xd I hope you understand what I am trying to say, though.
You could say this is really just a stylistic preference, but I would word this sentence a bit differently, because I think it would read better as:
Love that word.
Technically, he was asking himself questions—not arguing with himself.
What happened to it being too cold to cry? He is sure crying now…. Although, I do love your description of his tears so much.
Whaaaaaa? I don’t know if your other reviewers will think this way or not, but to me, this part seemed rather confusing and sudden… especially since we had no idea this guy was even doing something to knock him out. One minute Hawk had told him to shut up, and then next he’s knocked out—but no action involved, it seems. You say when sleep began to cocoon him, so I suppose he just went to sleep. But knocked out sure dun sound very peaceful. Sounded more like the guy had taken a fist to his head, and you had forgotten to mention it.
*silenced—no capitalization. Ooooh, it’s mentioned here again that he was silenced, which tells me he didn’t just “fall asleep”. He got punched, knocked out… somehow. Now I am really confused in that part. Xd
Meanie. Meanie. Meanie.
Did you hear me? You had better write this upcoming chapter faster than you did this one, because this was sooo a cliff-hanger. That ending. We don’t know anything about what your new character said, Trebelum (I spelled his name right… I think) all those terms he used and all these things he mentions—none of them familiar in the slightest… because we have yet to learn about them. Really, it’s a perfect ending. You gripped my attention until the next chapter comes along, keeping me ever-wanting some information to look forward to. So, great ending, even if you’re a meanie.
You wrote this beautifully, Dory. I love the way you write, and how you use examples to describe your writing. The dissected frog was definitely the best bit of description, but the other’s came awfully close. You seem to try and grasp images we already have in our heads from… something, and then fashion your image in our minds with the “pre-installed” one we already have. Kind of like you are giving us a foundation with the dissected frog, and then building on top of that to complete your perfect descriptions. I would call that your strongest point, but I would probably be wrong, because everything you write is so good, it’s hard to pick one thing you’re best at.
And I have run out of things to say. Your writing is soooo good. Keep updating me, and ping me more often.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks a ton, Tim! <3 Your reviews are always so helpful. ^^ I'll try posting chapter three by the end of this week; there's a long weekend heading this wayy!
*cackles* Cliffhangers are my favourite.Hey, Pomp! Happy Review Day!
Eep! You might want to take that back.
Imagine that you're replacing it with "It's never promising to wake up in the same clothes you wore yesterday." They run along the same concept. So you're elaborating on this statement when you realize you're getting a bit too tell-y, and you decide to write a flashback. Character was hanging out with friends, got drunk, yada yada yada. Then you realize you can't write a flashback because this is the second chapter. You already discussed them getting drunk in Chapter One. You decide to dive straight into the action.
Now imagine that everything I said above isn't true. This is a fresh scene, you're emerging from a break in time. You're writing a thriller. Your sentences are getting simpler so you can convey more information in fewer words. You know the reader's on the edge of their seat. "The door creaked open. I was just beginning to scream when BAM! a psychotic hippo came flying through the window and killed me. Doors shouldn't open on their own, as is a general rule, I knew."
The reflection on the door is a bit pointless. You dedicated all that effort last chapter--why ruin the suspense?
Since you already provided a transition, the second quote's unnecessary.
Haha, I love the French/American/British flag metaphor.
The structures line up: "within him" and "over him." And can something thrum an unsteady beat? I usually associate the word "thrum" with solidity, a rhythm so solid a metronome couldn't rival it. Maybe "drum" or "pound."
The word "swashed" is also unnecessary. I like it, but it doesn't lend anything, and "washed" serves just as well.
Redundancy alert! Maybe exchange "feeling" for "experiencing"?
The dialogue tag feels so weak. Hawk's gripping the windowsill; he has to continually check what emotions he's experiencing; he's scared, confused, and worried; and he can't tear his gaze from the sky. And this thought occurred after some period of time, right?
Try "his brain finally shouted."
Try to refrain from recycling descriptions: "the low lining of chiffon" and "whitewash sails." I can't really visualize clouds flapping, either; it takes minutes for them to move and when they do move, they don't curl up at the tips like petals. They glide. Wings. Sea foam. Flying geckos.
The hyphen's unnecessary because "almost" qualifies as an adjective.
Considering there's been a lot of adverbs in the past few paragraphs, I'd recommend moving "exactly" to after "relief": "It wasn't out of relief, exactly..." It just sounds cleaner.
Nooo! You had some great suspense going. I get that you're naturally inclined to include a lot of description, but this was unnecessary. It didn't lend anything to the action. (It's also the second time Hawk's shivered in two paragraphs.)
If you're trailing away a thought, you don't need a space before the ellipsis. Just a weird rule.
Compound word: "overanalysing." (It feels so strange typing it with an "s.")
I think the description got a little muddled here: "as if trying to shake his thoughts into alignment" or "trying to untangle his thoughts." Or you might've meant "like an elephant trying to rid its ears of water."
1) I don't think it was necessary to list all the objects, but I'm not opposed to it. Hm. Maybe "other objects, like clothes and books, albums, a picture-frame Hawk had made for Ann Bobby once...."
2) The semicolons are incorrect; you only use them if you're separating phrases with commas, like "I have been to Newcastle, Carlisle, and York in the North; Bristol, Exeter, and Portsmouth in the South; and Cromer, Norwich, and Lincoln in the East."
3) Grammar stuff. That ellipsis needs a period after it because you're ending a sentence.
4) "Attack the room with a scalpel." Read it out loud, and I know you mean to elaborate on it, but ... read it out loud. XD
5) "Dissecting everything like a frog." Um.
5.5) Grammar stuff again. The correct way would be saying "dissect everything like one would a frog" unless you meant a highly intelligent frog that enjoys dissecting living rooms.
6) When people dissect things, they don't do it carelessly; they do it with precision. So the word "dissect" throws me off a bit. Then there's the word "fling," which definitely throws me off.
7) "Dying shell." The frog was alive when you were dissecting it? O_o Animal cruelty.
7.5) "Shell" already pretty much implies it's dead, so I'd recommend using another adjective--"slimy," maybe, to correspond with "guts."
The semicolon doesn't really impress any effect; it's just there for the heck of it. So I'd recommend using a conjunction instead.
And can cogs whir?
Wrong preposition here. It should be "in confusion."
Up until now, you've done a good job maintaining a formal tone, but "OK" is reminiscent of chatspeak.
Should be "with."
Ooh. I'm guessing this is foreshadowing for the reason behind the title.
But two accents is a bit loaded. It's hard to pronounce and looks overly extravagant, if you know what I mean. I'd rather pick up a book titled "Elementárni" than "Elementární."
I think you meant "relay" here. The guy's not "conveying" anything if he's giving raw information.
I'd recommend clipping an adjective or two here, just so it sounds less loaded. Probably "ruddy"; it's the least relevant.
If I can be harsh for a moment:
The change in pace has really got me questioning the purpose of the last chapter. You built it so to prepare for more character introductions, I think, but instead we receive horror. Where'd the lightning go? What happened to the dreamy tone? What about the description? The confusion whirlpools. I'm unable to submerge myself in the current situation, and the suspense falls enormously flat. This type of stuff is usually salvaged by your description; I just found it more difficult to ignore this time.
To keep the reader on their toes, I'd recommend switching perspectives. Think Stephen King. He's always flickering between this character, that character, the antagonist, newspaper clippings, police interviews, flashbacks. It'll work with you because you have this amazing gift to weave a simple idea into a complex story. You're also great at cliffhangers and flash fiction.
What I'm proposing is reverting back to the Heaney story. You can extend it, then switch back to this, so there's a cliffhanger at all times of the novel.
Wow. I can say safely that this is my favorite chapter. The pace was well-measured and the atmosphere didn't fluctuate (ignoring that small bit with the frog and the guts), and the description ... it couldn't be more perfect. You couldn't have torn my eyes from the screen if you chopped my head off. Each paragraph was a scrumptious blend of imagery and sophisticated language, and the sensory details were such that Bradbury couldn't rival. The detail emphasis was beautiful.
I feel like I'm repeating myself, but you truly blew me away--everything I nitpicked about the previous chapter seems to have been cured.
I wish I could say more and actually lend you a little help, but ... eh, I got nothing.
Keep it up!
I learn so much from every single one of your reviews--you have no idea how much. <3 I made a couple of edits, but I'll deal with the bigger portions when I re-write this entirely. Thanks so much! ^^
[I didn't know 'OK' was chatspeak; it's always used in formal pieces of writing. A lot of people have told me (here on YWS) that "Okay" is more correct because it's 'writing it out.' I searched the internet--trusty friend Google, yay!--and found these. They only managed to confuse me further. XD)
Ah, the ellipses! I was getting confused about their usage--thanks for clearing that up.
Spoiler
I miss you. >.>If only I could like this review a hundred times....
Aw, no problem! It was an enjoyable read. <3
[If that's the case, I take that back; I don't think it matters much, anyway, haha. Wow. I didn't know this was such a controversial topic. XD]
Miss you.@TimmyJake, wow, that's weird. I encounter the same problem every time you review.
*totally doesn't notice that this isn't my place to comment*
I miss both of youexcept my reviews are like half the length of yours....
You're a great writer, first and foremost. Had I been the writer you are at your age, I would probably be at Stephen King levels of success right now.
I haven't read the other entries in your story, mostly because there's nothing in it for me review wise (let's be honest here), but from reading this, I have a pretty good handhold on the story, so I will more than likely go back and read for leisure now, rather than points.
I really don't have a lot to offer criticism wise! This was so well written, I almost want to think you have a ghost writer, but I'm sure it's just raw, unadulterated talent. So here's a cookie and keep writing.