Life
I feel has already been a long road
Where it stops I need not know,
Go with the flow through highs and lows
Persistence for existence the distance shows,
My momentum, velocity-
Viscosity within my heart slows
In depths of silence that held such violence
I felt as if my heart froze
It beats too proudly
This my soul knows.
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Canary word: Present
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This is a very good poem, but I don't have much to say on it because Blackwood covered most of the basics.
I love the words you used, and the order and way in which you used them. Great Job!
However, I think that you should end your poem with a bang, something that sticks in the readers mind. The entire rest of the poem should build up to that moment, the climax. But I felt like you didn't do that, you kind of left it hanging...I felt like you left something out, almost as if it was meant to be longer and you decided not to finish it.
Overall you did a great job and there is nothing left to say but keep writing!!
Hi there. I'm going to attempt to review this work without addressing anything that was already addressed. You, for the most part used very descriptive language and utulized your similes and metaphors to create an image. My favorite lines were "My momentum, velocity, Viscosity within my heart slows". . . because of the vocabulary. I don't really have an criticism for you, in all honesty. I hope thst is okay. This is only due to the fact that Blackwood mentioned everything I had to say. So overall, well done.
I appreciate the review, criticism or not.
Thanks for the read.
Alright, here I am with a review for you.
Firstly the line:
"Persistence for existence the distance shows,"
I see what you were trying to do there with the rhyming fancy words but unfortunately It just doesn't work. This line is a tongue twister, it doesn't make any sense either. That was probably the harshest thing I have to say so it was good to get it done and gone.
Rhyming: I am not sure how you are doing this? From what I got (excluding the first line was: AAAAABACADA these letters represent rhyming words at the end of each line. As you can see you rhyme almost every line then you spot in some non rhyming lines.
I really liked the first two lines after "Life", it clearly portrays what your poem is about and what it wants to say. The two lines work well together as well.
You seem to change topic from what I initially thought but you portray the heart metaphor well.
Good job and keep writing.
Thanks for the review. That line you mentioned being a tongue twister is more of a personalized line, being that it may feel out of context to someone else. "Persistence for existence" being the drive to build an identity and a sense of belonging on this earth. "The distance shows" being evidence of such thus far, which is the personal part. Anyway, thanks again and I appreciate the review.