E - Everyone Violence

The Art of War

PreviousNext

The Art of War

The earth met the warmth of the morning sun with a loving embrace. The peaceful breeze arriving with it would never have been able to invite clouds heavy with rain at the strength it then possessed.

It was as if the gods themselves favoured the occurrence of a battle. The ground would have joyfully greeted the feet of combatants, just as their faces would have the clear sky. Wind would not have altered the arrow paths, and rain would not have weighed down on men's spirits.

To their divinity's disappointment, such perfect a battle setting would not be honoured with conflict on this occasion. In its stead, the people of Daliang, the capital of the Wei State, would have celebrations following great victories that had come to pass. King Hui had arranged a feast to break words of exploits with caring family and cherished friends.

Nevertheless, the high-spirited sovereign was not the only one deserving of praise, for he but provided the means and the command. It was General Pang Chuan who bent the knee of Song, it was he whose heel Lu fell beneath, it was he who sprinkled Zheng with havoc, and for this stood equally celebrated, his name spoken with voice of respect.

Pang Chuan, being spoken of in such high regard, had invited a prominent guest of his own. As such stood Sun Pin, who bore the family name of his forefather, Sun Tzu. His ancestor`s book, The Art of War, was the most widely read treatise of the period.

“It is a marvel to lay eyes upon you once more, old friend.” – shouted out Pang Chuan as Sun Pin entered through the gate.

“The pleasure is mine – and the pride of sworn brother. Your name runs before you as if mounted on fastest horse, and so does word of your victory.”

“Come. Let us see you to the feast, and break words of old times and of those to come.”

They both then entered the palace to greet old acquaintances and make new ones. Inside were men and women of great standing. Each of them was wearing most expensive garments of the finest materials. Their fingers, wrists and necks stood burdened by gold, silver and the will to be shown off.

Many slaves had been put to the task of pleasing and serving their masters and their guests. Some bringing them the excellent food prepared by the finest cooks, others dancing, all of them set to purpose, with none to stand idle and absent work.

“How fares Gui Gu Zi?” Pang Chuan continued the conversation after he and his friend reunited.

“He is well. The Sage and Ghost Valley enjoy each other`s company, yet he cannot claim the same about people.”

“Such is the hermit`s life of seclusion. It saddens me to hear that his way around people has worsened. How did you muster the patience to finish your studies? I know he favoured you above all others, but I strongly believed you would follow me as I left for employment by King Hui.”

To this Sun Pin replied: “As I believed in your success. And here I stand, before a man whose heel is stained by many of his King`s enemies.”

“And perhaps your own heel wishes to be so blemished.”

“I would wish for nothing more than my name being called in the streets in joyous gratitude of glorious victory and it being known to many in distant lands, to people who have never laid eyes upon me. You have my ear.” Sun Pin leaned forward.

“Pledge yourself to King Hui, and see both our positions elevated beyond the heavens themselves!”

“Pang Chuan, you have my gratitude for a most well-intended proposal. Yet, I must respectfully decline your tempting offer. Upon deserved celebration`s conclusion, I am for Linzi.”

“You choose your words with great care. Still, I stand offended. You would serve Chi, greatest foe of my King, with nothing whatsoever obliging you to do so, whilst I, your sworn brother, am left to believe myself with poor judgement in choosing Wei.

A great plan is in motion, Sun Pin! I would see many more noble houses fall before me. I would have my name become an impression in history, to be spoken in awe in coming years. Reconsider your answer, or see long-lasting bond between us severed.”

“Oh, but there is something binding me to Chi – I have already sent word of my arrival and have put much thought into this.”

“Many years ago our mentor branded you his finest student, when it was me who should have been so distinguished. I worked as hard as you did, yet I was never recognised. I was so envious of you, and this was the reason for my departure. Only now do I realize how I have misplaced my jealousy. It is true, you could recite your ancestor`s book by heart, but it is I who have proved my value in conquest, and no man stands my equal. You may yet reveal yours, for you were, admittedly, a good student. That is the reason why I cannot allow you to leave for Chi. You may prove too worthy an opponent, and delay, perhaps even deny me my destiny.”

And thusly, Pang Chuan had the guards seize Sun Pin. When King Hui inquired into the matter, Chuan claimed that his former friend was engaging in devious schemes in order to betray him.

“He is a snake, a serpent.” said to him Pang Chuan “I believed him my friend, yet he comes to spit on all which I hold close to heart. It was his wish to become general of Wei, so that he could overthrow you, and he sought my help to do so.”

“Do you deny the accusation, or do you wish to salvage what honour you have left and admit to such treachery?” King Hui addressed Sun Pin with a voice of authority. “What say you?! Do not just stare, loosen tongue! …or see it removed.”

Sun Pin replied: “I deny all which he claims.”

King Hui, of course, placed his faith in his General. "Take him away," he said, and Sun Pin was thrown in the dungeons, with those worthy of nothing more than heavy shackles, to be chained, heckled and spat on all the same.

The King immediately ordered Sun Pin to be executed for treason.

"Mercy for my brother, my King," Pang Chuan pretended to plead for mercy, not to arouse suspicion of how he intended to eliminate possible competition. Knowing that all people would frown upon his dishonourable way, he saved Sun Pin`s life after condemning it.

"He is a traitor," the king of Wei replied.

"I beg of you, do not remove his head," Pang Chuan pleaded, knowing that if he saved Sun Pin, all doubt about him would be removed.

"He must be punished."

"Then, perhaps," the general leaned in, the smell of victory under his nose, "you could cripple him? Remove his kneecaps," he suggested, but he would further mutilate captured prey. "Tattoo his face, brand him a criminal for all eternity."

***

Sun Pin was finally able to see through the mask of his friend. Although he was crushed, he managed to think of a way to liberate himself from heavy shackles – he would pretend to have lost his mind.

But Pang Chuan was not to be so easily fooled. He had him placed in a pigsty, to see how mad he had really got. Sun Pin`s strong desire to get away from mighty betrayal led him to the extreme. He grasped a fistful of animal faeces, put the pile of putrid excrement to his lips and had a large bite. With Pang Chuan there as he chewed, he turned to his former brother with an expression of joy upon his face. "Would you like some? It is delicious!" he exclaimed.

After this Sun Pin was thought to be insane, and everyone`s guard stood lowered. Presented with first opportunity, men of Chi aided in his escape, and took him to Linzi, the capital of their State. The journey was long and perilous, yet not without favourable results. They made it safely to the city, and could finally rest.

It was a great change for Sun Pin, from a life in seclusion, absent outside human contact, to traveling to two major cities simmering with people, and at times boiling.

There he met Tian Chi, a military general, whose house he became a guest of, and the two soon called each other friend.

***

One day the King of Chi invited Tian Chi to a horse racing competition. The King was known to excel in riding, and Tian Chi was eager to prove himself. In doing so, he would secure his place in the service of Chi, and gain the much sought-after favour of the King himself. He turned to Sun Pin, as he knew that cunning was the art his friend distinguished himself in. Sun Pin shared with him everything he knew about horses, himself not being able to ride in light of recently inflicted injury. Tian Chi emerged the victor in two out of three rounds. King Hui was impressed with him and gave him his highest praise, but Tian admitted that Sun Pin was the one who helped him and presented him as a great talent to the sovereign.

“It was this man who aided my victory. He is absent ability to walk on his own, yet he knows more about horses than anyone with swift feet. My friend is the wisest, most honourable one that can be found. He has stared in the face of death, only to mock it by staying in this world. He is a student of the Sage of Ghost Valley, and knows every word of the book by Sun Tzu. Furthermore, he is his descendant, and I would ask of you but to consider elevating him to well-deserved position.”

“You honour me with your presence – and yourself with your deeds.” said the King of Chi to Sun Pin “Tian Chi has never spoken so highly of anyone, nor has he requested anything of me. I would have you by my side, if you would but accept my proposal. Become Commander of the armies of Chi, and together, we shall go through highest cloud!”

“Your offer stands as yet another I must refuse, for now I am a cripple. In being so I am unable to ride horses, and the spirits of the men would waver not being able to see me mounted. I have a counterproposal. Make me advisor to General Tian, and utilize my knowledge to its full potential, without inflicting a blow to morale.”

“Even before entering my service, you provide wise counsel. You shall receive all the benefits of being a general, but officially, you shall be the deputy of General Tian, his chief military advisor. ”

***

Pang Chuan was everlustful for conquest, and would not cease until his thirst was satisfied. The great plan he told Sun Pin was in motion finally started to bear fruit. He would pluck his first piece from the State of Zhao.

After much preparation, Wei laid siege to the capital, Handan. Following a year of resistance, Zhao could withstand its attackers no longer. Its king requested aid from the Chi state, and it stood but too eager to comply. In command of the Chi army stood Tian Chi and Sun Pin, whose suggestions as military advisor were always seen fulfilled.

Sun Pin moved south and intentionally made an unsuccessful attack on Pang Chuan. This motion led the Wei general to believe that the Chi army was too weak to achieve anything of significance, encouraging him to muster even more of his forces for the siege of Handan. Although Zhao stood defeated, its men fought desperately and as thus caused Wei heavy casualties in the subsequent battle.

Upon simulating defeat, Sun Pin marched his troops towards Daliang, the capital of Wei. Pang Chuan had never expected such a move, nor was such a manoeuvre ever attempted. He had left his infantry at Handan, and galloped back to Wei, him at the head of all the cavalry in a desperate undertaking to save his capital.

His forces became very tired by the time he reached the Yellow River, and exhausted by the time he crossed it. Sun Pin anticipated the arrival of his foe, and found the perfect spot to place an ambush, in Guiling. Chi`s army had the advantage of numbers – and the one of troop variety, for the army of Wei only had horsemen. With numbers in the favour of Sun Pin, and advanced strategic position, he destroyed the men of Pang Chuan, who stood weighed by fatigue and low spirits.

Despair filled their eyes, each man knowing not what to do. In the confusion caused by unwanted surprise, they could not tell north from south, left from right, friend from foe. If they were to run, which direction were they to run in, and if they were to fight, what way were they to face? There were those who stayed, and those who ran. Unfortunately for either decision, they were cut down regardless of which choice they made.

Upon witnessing imminent defeat, Pang Chuan began his retreat. He ordered his men to protect him, and was the only one to reach Daliang alive. He had escaped the grip of Chi, at a great cost to his name and reputation.

***

Many years passed, and Pang Chuan was ready to undertake another campaign. This time the target would be the State of Han, an old ally of the Chi. In such an attempt he would have his vengeance for the shame brought upon him. Not only was he defeated, but he fled from battle, and was deemed a coward in following days. All that which he worked for... gone. In the blink of an eye, in a heartbeat, in a single stroke of a bird's wings. How he could allow himself such failure was something he asked himself each coming day. So easily deceived, so easily outthought. Never again.

Han asked Chi for help, but Sun Pin advised his King that that was what Pang Chuan expected, and that he would be prepared for an assault. Chi stood idle while Han was slowly being defeated. The Wei gradually ate their way into Han, chewing on its villages. Han had expected its allies to come to aid, especially because of the renowned rivalry between the generals, therefore they fought without reserve. All of their swords thrust, pikes hurled, bows bent at the same time, contributing to the flow of the river of Wei blood.

Han was able to resist a year hence, and was forced to once more call for the aid of Chi. This time Sun Pin suggested that they repeat their previous manoeuvre and attempt to besiege Daliang. Upon hearing news of the advance of his enemies, King Hui ordered Pang Chuan to retreat and defend the capital. His general was appalled by the news, as he was mere days away from Yanzhai, the capital of Han.

King Hui then appointed Crown Prince Shen as Chief Commander. Shen was ordered to mobilize one hundred thousand men to drive back the Chi. Thousands would have been seen gathered under the banner of Wei, some seeking glory, others coin, all of them seeking a place in this world.

Pang Chuan had learnt a lot from the battle of Guiling, and would not be ambushed in the same manner once more. He had sworn that he would never again be put in a position to strike victory from thought and fight for his life. He avoided the main path and went around, marching at double speed to hasten the arrival to the capital.

Instead of rushing to lay ambush, Sun Pin ordered the majority of his troops to rest, slowly retreat to Chi, and prepare equipment for an ambush which would be required in the future.

Sun Pin took the rest of his men, and went to face Pang Chuan. When the two bodies of soldiers drew near to one another, Sun immediately ordered a retreat.

In order to create himself an advantage, the crippled general would force his enemy to believe that he had fewer men than he actually did, being underestimated in the process. Following the order of retreat, he had his men leave behind enough cookfires for an army of one hundred thousand. The next day, he ordered enough fires for an army of fifty thousand. On the third day, enough stoves were built for only twenty thousand men.

Pang Chuan and Prince Shen tracked their opponent with equal pace. "The men of Chi are cowards," the former said as they followed and saw evidence of decreasing numbers. "There is desertion in their ranks." He then took the elite cavalry and ran to pursue his rival, in hopes of running down those fleeing in panic and oblivious to the world.

Sun Pin afterwards had some of his artillery left behind as he entered the territory of Chi. The ranks of Wei were swelling with confidence from their victory in Han and engaged in hot pursuit. By the time this occurred Pang Chuan was certain of the confusion of the enemy army.

The armies of Shen and Pang Chuan reached the place called Maling, in the Chi State. The area was heavily populated with trees, with two cliffs on both flanks. The men of Wei would have to cross that narrow pass in order to continue their chase after the routed of Chi. As they cut through the forest, evidence of passing warriors filled their senses. Smoke of cooked meat, as well as fewer and fewer ashpits, where the meat would have been cooked. Catapults, siege crossbows and other artillery all left in the wake of routing cowards. Swords and spears lying about, marking the spots where men lost their hearts, along with their honour. Sites of failed ambushes were not an uncommon site, with uncovered traps and empty trenches. Helmets and gloves, greaves and shoulder guards, heavy plated boots and scaled torso protection bearing the mark of Chi lay to be found at each step one would take. The things that men would leave behind to lift weight, to have a light step, to run away and live to fight another day.

Pang Chuan felt no threat was posed, and marched at the head of the company. At one point, when the sky had already been darkened, he stopped, dismounted his horse in the night and took foot to ground. He walked up to a tree that had been cut down by the Chi, its bark removed. He stopped before it and held a torch up high to improve his vision in the blackness.

Suddenly, Pang Chuan's eyes widened. His breath ceased, his skin became pale. His knees could hold him no longer, yet they could not bend. It was as if his limbs were turned to stone. His heart skipped a beat, and would skip another, before having its final one. He would have smiled with tears of sorrow, were his face able to provide expression. Instead, a tear rolled on each cheek from both his eyes, as they gazed upward to see the stars.

The tree bore an inscription. It read: ‟Under this tree, Pang Chuan shall die.‟

The sky was then kindled by sparks of vengeance. The world froze for Pang Chuan, as flaming arrows filled the sky. Time stopped, and he stood filled with regret, yet he himself was not sure what he regretted. Was it the way he threw away a valuable friendship in favour of elevated position, or the fact that he was outwitted twice by the man whom he once held prisoner, and whose life was once so easy for the taking, a cripple, who could not even ride a horse. Did he regret not being able to achieve his aspirations, his desired destiny forever denied him? Whichever it was he never managed to decide, for frozen time was melted, and burning arrows set to purpose.

His torch was a signal to thousands of archers, standing upon surrounding cliffs, to unleash a rain of fire, a storm of death on their rivals. Pang Chuan stood riddled with first volley, with many more to follow his men from above.

The men of Wei soon were surrounded from all sides. A crushing blow – the capture of Prince Shen. No way of escape for any of the hundred thousand. All of them lay slaughtered at the point of a spear, the end of a sword, or the head of an arrow, none to survive the crushing defeat.

Chi stood victorious once more, and suffered barely more than two thousand casualties. The State of Wei never regained its place among the greatest warring nations in ancient China. Centuries later the states were unified into a single land, undivided, and ruled by a single dynasty for years to come.

Sun Pin grieved the death of his former classmate, in hopes that they would once again be friends in the afterlife. After a series of disagreements with the court of Chi, he left for a life of seclusion, to live as a hermit, like his teacher, the sage Gui Gu Zi.

While he drew breath, he wrote a book titled ‟Sun Pin's The Art of War‟, a more up-to-date version of the one of his ancestor. In both are presented ways to achieve ultimate victory when it comes to war, yet there are those who claim that the words in these works may be used in areas other than that of warfare. Both rely on analysis of all the factors governing any occurrence as a means of predicting possible outcomes in any given situation.

Whilst this rivalry held breath, not one of the Warring States was aware of potential threat from the west. At great speed a whip of burning desire was hurled towards their lands. In hopes of uniting the world, the Pharaoh King marched forth towards the enigmatic and exotic realm of the Far East. Fortune smiled upon all in question, for he would never set foot on their soil.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Dragongirl
Review

Your writing is awesome.

I love the use of the English language in this piece. Your descriptions are words woven together to create a rare tapestry of a story

I have only a couple spots I want to point out for improvement.

The peaceful breeze arriving with it would never have been able to invite clouds heavy with rain at the strength it then possessed.


Your uses of tenses here is inconsistent. You begin with present tense and end with past.

Some bringing them the excellent food prepared by the finest cooks, others dancing, all of them set to purpose, with none to stand idle and absent work.


Stand idle and absent work, are basically the same thing. I wouldn't use both. Plus, absent work sounds odd.

It was as if the gods themselves favoured the occurrence of a battle. The ground would have joyfully greeted the feet of combatants, just as their faces would have the clear sky. Wind would not have altered the arrow paths, and rain would not have weighed down on men's spirits.


This is wonderful. The pictures painted in this paragraph are beyond correcting. I can say no more.

“You choose your words with great care. Still, I stand offended. You would serve Chi, greatest foe of my King, with nothing whatsoever obliging you to do so, whilst I, your sworn brother, am left to believe myself with poor judgement in choosing Wei.


Great job on the dialogue! It is almost like reading poetry how they speak, yet it also feels authentic to the time period.

I might go through and tighten up your tenses, there were a couple spots where they tripped me up but honestly that is it. Nice work!

DG

Thank you very much Dragongirl! Your review will definitely help me improve.

Now that I have a bit more experience in writing, I am fully aware of this piece's flaws, and there are simply too many of those. To address all of them, I would have to re-write the entire story, and perhaps some day I will. In the meantime, I shall focus on using the skills I've acquired in the past year to write something better than The Art of War (I am sure you would agree that it is not a difficult thing to achieve).

Hey, I'm Maddie and I'm here to review your work.
First thing I have to say is, hot dang this is good, especially for a historical work. You've done that stupid thing, making me actually research a bit on the Art of War(s) and quite frankly, I had no idea they were that.. useful. *Silently bookmarks this for my battle scenes*
So, anyways, I did get a bit confused with the Pang Chuan bits, but I'm all fine and dandy now.
The dialogue in this is stilted. Like, it might as well been rehearsed to the point of robotics. Now I understand this is a historical piece (and that you got all of your info from Wiki) but you should at least make your characters "Characters." Add that the crippled general has a limp/cough/ lying tell where his hand reaches to crippled part. Well, back to the dialogue, you could easily add a cough or two in there, maybe make some sort of words that weren't exactly chosen well.. you know. That kind of stuff makes this story seem more like a story and not a "Ha! See, Teacher? I can write a story" kind of thing. Granted this is an essay, so you had to do what you had to do. (I was this kid. I infodumped everything into one paragraph and then just wrote my own story. Because you know, to heck with social studies.)
Now, onto that beginning. (Wow, my reviews are jumpy.) It seems kind of unnecessary, doesn't it? Weather is easily supposed to actually mean something here, yet I just can't see where it came in handy. You could describe weather more than once, or even at the end of the story. I don't know whether or not the Pharaoh got a hold of China or not, I didn't exactly read up on the battle, but if he did, you can add the fact the weather was bright, blue, and shiny like at the beginning. This adds a sense of finality to your piece, and leaves the readers feeling better about it. So, yeah. I hope I helped and wasn't leaping around the place.
Keep Writing!
Maddie out!

Thank you Maddie!

This was the first thing I ever wrote that remotely resembled a story, so at the time I was not aware of its flaws. By pointing them out you have allowed me to look at things with fresh eyes, and actually notice those flaws. It makes me think about how I have improved in the past year or so, and about how I still have room for improvement!

As for the Pharaoh King - he was Alexander the Great. And I think we all know how that turns out. :D

User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hey there, CandyWizard! Here as promised ~ Let's see if I can turn this into a nice long review, shall we?

(I will warn you right now, some of my points may be mentioned later into the story as I have a habit to jot down stuff as I read through. However, it may suggest some needed revision about placement and representation of the information.)

First off, your beginning. I'm not feeling it. To be perfectly honest with you, I might've just quit right there. Why? Though the images were lovely crafted, but it was so wordy and read rather awkwardly. The second sentence, for instance, goes on to say how the wind was so peaceful and weak but then switches to how it can't pull clouds with rain and you lost me. I had to reread that at least twice and it doesn't pull me in. Why do I care that it's a nice day? Why do I care that the wind is gentle? The first line, first paragraph, has to have some kind of pull factor that has the reader really wanting to know more. As of now, I don't care.

Then comes the next paragraph and I'm thrown off a lot more. Here, I'm a little more hooked. Battle? What? But then again, I'm confused. Don't get me wrong, I love how much you're showing us the scene and what not, but it feels like too much. Too much exposition about the nice weather and I'm really confused as to why the weather matters. Perfect battle conditions, sure, but what's it got to do with the action? Could this have been casually mentioned during the actual battle? It feels like you're spending too much time setting the scene and not enough pulling the reader in, rather than confusing them by going from weather to battle (and what next? O.o)

[Wait. It wasn't an actual battle?? - commenting as I go here - Why spend so much depth going into how perfect a time for battle and how perfect weather and then just completely disregard that?]

One really big thing that was a little agonizing for me throughout this entire thing, and I hate to say it, but it was so dense. There were extravagant words, beautiful and interesting I must say, but it really seemed to bog the writing down more than anything. Perhaps it's my very limited vocabulary, but it all seemed like too much. Sentences seemed to be awkwardly worded as they were messed with, and I commend you for trying and experimenting with those kinds of things, but it felt like too much, too over the top and hard to understand at times.

Throughout this entire thing, so many names of people and places were thrown at us and I could not, for the life of me, keep them straight. All except the two generals (Sun and that other guy). The reason those stood out to me is because they were one, the main characters, and two, somewhat developed (more on this later on). You gave us things throughout this to remember them by, their traits, a certain mannerism, etc. Nothing else had that. I was so confused with all the names, scrolling up and down (or if this were published, turning pages) to find where they were first reference. There was no background around anyone else. I even struggled to remember Chi and Wei and who was what when? Huh? Throughout this, I recommend trying to set up a lot more meaning behind the names rather than just there (like, how do they look? Traits of the area? etc.)

I feel like your story had a really great pace and a cool theme emerging, with the conversation between the friends, turned enemies, and then after the first three asterisks, even slightly before those, things started to change. For one, its pacing changed so drastically and it felt so rushed. Then, somethings weren't even transitioned very well. Like with Sun's escape (which was so strange being so soon. He faked being insane, but really? It took him about two paragraphs to establish that. I feel like it would take far more, since he was deemed smartest in the class, I believe).

Now, while I would suggest you slow things down a lot, one big thing that I think is your downfall is probably that this topic is so broad. It feels so crammed up, especially compared to the beginning scene, with such a large topic all in one little story. There so much to expand on, so much to see about their lives and the battles. It all feels so toned down but all so important. If I were you, I would narrow down your focus a little more, perhaps down to the epic ending battle and find ways to incorporate these past instances into that? Or you could expand this into a novel, because that's how much stuff is going on xD

Now, back to character development. To be honest, I feel like a lot of your characters are too flat. There isn't much back story around them, aside from their history together, but we don't know anything about why they are who they are. We don't see their motives really and Pand feels like the common villian and sun the common guru/hero who out smarts the brash. The story's theme even seems cliche, but what's important is I don't feel your characters. I don't know why they tick. As I hear many say, "Plot should not drive characters, but characters should drive plot."

When reading through my notes that I took while reading this to see what I had to talk about, well... I'll just quote one:

"So much going on throughout this. Battles entirely summarized, names thrown around casually, can't grasp what's going on >.<"

That's not really something you want your reader to be thinking. Even though I got the premise of it, I had to reread it several times and it sucked the enjoyment out of reading it. I do not believe that I was once sucked into the story and anticipating what was going to happened. Instead, I forced myself to trudge on because I made a commitment. It felt dense and hard to follow at times, too summarized and I never got to a point where I identified with any character. The excecution would have been a lot better, even though the writing itself was good, having a nice flow and nice sets to the scene (in the beginning, since description was lost towards the end.)

This could use a lot of work, but you have a nice writing style down! Work more on developing the ideas and plot in an effective way to pull the reader in. Hope I helped and that I wasn't too harsh.

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

Thank you so much for your review, Wolfare! All I wanted was somebody's opinion on the style of writing of this short story, or whatever it is.

The thing is, I was supposed to write this huge high school graduation essay for school. I liked history, but I had previously exhausted many of the more common topics, so I chose ancient China. When I told my English teacher what I was going to write about, she actually asked me if it was going to be boring. And she didn't even appear to be joking!

So I had to make it look good, I had to make it better than anybody else's. I threw away all the material I had previously acquired to write this historical essay, and I just opened up Wikipedia. And so I found this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Maling

I opened up Microsoft Word, and I just started writing my first story ever. Only, I had to keep the format of a historical essay provided by the school, otherwise I would get a huge penalty. About ten hours later, I was finished!

There was also this introduction paragraph I did not post, actually rubbing in the teacher's face what she said about it being boring, and thinking it would suck! Oh, and I got an A.

You see, there was never any character development, or any story that I created. Only what was already on Wikipedia. Only what supposedly actually happened. All I wanted was for someone to tell me that they liked the way it was written, and what you said in that last bit was a huge win for me!

Thanks again for taking the time to read this,
CandyWizard

That makes sense :P (Of course, I knew none of this and reviewed it as an actual story xD)

Yeah, I know. That's why I wanted your opinion, which you should know that I value highly. ^^

Also, your criticism about the characters and story was spot-on, and it will definitely help me evolve my storytelling.



A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
— Steve Martin