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by Persistence


"I ain't talkin' to no law!" she said to the sheriff just as she looked at the black and white photograph he had given her. "And I ain't never stolen no ruby!"

"These photos are not coloured, ma'am," the sheriff stroked his moustache with one hand. The other he placed on his holster. "I never said what colour the gem was."

"Yeah, you did," she responded, but the sheriff stayed silent and slowly reached for his handcuffs. "Wait," she stepped back, nearly tripped over a rock. "Ya know how them colourblind are? Well, I am colour far-sighted. I can see what them colours are even in black and white photos." 

The sheriff winced as he shook his head. "You're under arrest."


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Thu Jan 05, 2017 12:48 am
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Sevro wrote a review...



Alright, here's the promised review.

You mentioned wanting to turn this into a longer piece. Usually, in crime-mystery-robbery stories, at least most of it is told from the point of view of the criminal. You could definitely pull that off by telling us more about the old lady, maybe her history, her reason for needing the ruby, previous police records (??). Little things like that could really blow up your word count and add to the story.

However.

That would kind of take away the little twist you've got going. You could always tell the tale from the sherrif's point of view. That way, you would transform this short story into a longer story while retaining the surprising/comical ending. You don't even have to start at the scene of the crime. Tell us about him, his childhood, his reason for joining the police force, his wife/family, maybe that this old women reminded him of his grandmother, etc. There are a thousand things like this that you could throw in there.

Another option is to turn this into a collection of little westerns that revolve around the sheriff and the criminals he's had to deal with, or around the old woman and all the little crimes she's committed in her life. You could start at her first petty theft as a high school girl with her friends, and end with her last ditch effort, her last stand in the crime world. Completely up to you.

As for the story you have right here, I have only one thing that threw off my reading rhythm, and it was the very first phrase.

"I ain't talkin' to no law!"


I'm guessing this is just due to my lack of knowledge about western slang, but the use of "law" confused me. I'm assuming it means "talking to a police officer" or "coming in for questioning". I also didn't see this mentioned in any of the previous reviews, so it's probably just a me problem, but I figured I'd let you know that it sounded strange to me. That's literally the only nitpick I saw right away that wasn't mentioned in previous reviews. Another thing you could do is add more details to the existing plot line to lengthen it. It helps me to keep in mind the five senses while I'm writing. If I do that, I can include information about what the characters are receiving through each of their five senses, therefore adding a little length.

I hope I've given you some food for thought, at the very least. Let me know what you decide to do, if anything.

~Sevro




Persistence says...


Thank you so much! This was exactly what I asked for, and more. You've given me a few things to think about for sure. Thank you for the idea, 'cause I think I might do the sheriff's point of view as he encounters several smaller crimes. I think I can make that work into a bigger story.

As for the law thing, I've heard policemen being referred to as "the law" in movies and whatnot. I'll double check again, though. Thanks for pointing it out ^^

And again, thanks so much for reviewing it. It's one of the most helpful ones I've gotten so far <3



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Tue Nov 03, 2015 8:22 pm
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Arathorth wrote a review...



Hey!

So this is cool, and by cool I mean poetry in the weirdest and purest form. The thing I love about it is the length. You have demonstrated that character, plot and emotion can be portrayed in a few lines. I understand both characters, where it is set and the whole plot within the first stanza - this is a feat I am in awe of.

It's the most wonderful kind of poetry, where the words and there and on the page and just shouting at you for attention, and I was hooked.

To criticism:

"Wait," she stepped back, nearly tripped over a rock.


I suppose "nearly tripping" is the correct form here. That's literally it. I have concluded the criticism section because everything else is spot on.

Yep, so this what not something I'd normally read but I have and feel better for doing so, so thank you for that. You're talented, so keep writing!




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Tue Nov 03, 2015 2:09 pm
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Pan says...



Beautiful.




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Tue Nov 03, 2015 10:48 am
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DamienCyfer wrote a review...



Just a short review. The dialogue is fluent, and well accented whilst not overdoing it. In fact, I just read a good mystery book, and they solved it just like that. This relates to how some people don't think before they say stuff, and don't ponder the consequences. Anyway, this was short, amusing and good quality. Have a good time, and keep writing things like this!


I hope this is ok, this is my first review! always afraid I can't find enough to write, and this is just perfect! Love the piece.




Persistence says...


Hello, Damien. Thank you so much for deciding to post your very first review to one of my works. It is very encouraging indeed, and you have yourself a good time as well!



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Sun Nov 01, 2015 9:20 pm
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Corncob says...



"I am colour far-sighted"
Hahahahaha you get a star just for that




Persistence says...


Thank you xD



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Fri Oct 30, 2015 8:53 pm
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PancakeandWaffle wrote a review...



Hi this is Pancake here, and can I just say that the way you made your characters talked reminded my of "Of Mice and Men" (which is a really good book if you haven't read it). Anyway, when I first clicked on this I noticed the length of the work was pretty short, and that put me on edge a little. When I say this I mean that with so few words, it makes me concerned that there is no real essence to a story, wheatear it's a silly little exert or a beginning to something bigger. You however proved me wrong, as I got the point of this right away and even had a few giggles mixed in! This is a cute little story that could lead to something bigger, and that's the best kind of short story. The ones that leave off at a point where the reader can imagine what happens next. That however makes me wonder, will this be continued? Moving on, I enjoyed this story the only real problem is a couple grammatical errors and some extra, unneeded words but those have already been pointed out so I see no need to repeat them. That's it, over all great mini story and I hope to see more!
Pancake~




Persistence says...


Thanks, Pancake! I don't think I'll be writing Western any time soon xD

Your review really helps!





Alright, just checking to see if there was going to be a big ol' western showdown up in here. It's no prob Candy, I'm glad it helped you and Happy Early Halloween!



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Fri Oct 30, 2015 7:53 pm
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Ronald559 wrote a review...



I'm writing a western, and it's cool to see another writer writing western type material.

Couple of things I thought might work better for your western. Rubies would probably not be the thing that people stole during that time. They had gold and silver, and of course a form of paper currency. Ruby to me sounds more like it belongs in a mystery than a western.

Every time a new character talks start a new paragraph. It's not confusing in this short piece but it will be.


"Wait," she stepped back, nearly tripped over a rock.
It should be...
"Wait," she stepped back, and nearly tripped over a rock. Or nearly tripping over a rock.


And in the beginning
she said to the sheriff just as she looked at the black and white photograph he had given her.

She said to the sheriff as she looked at...

The just isn't needed, and it's a little distracting there.

There were some other comments but it's labeled as funny. So I guess a little suspension of disbelief is necessary. Good read. Have you got another western?




Persistence says...


No, I do not have another western. I am neither experienced nor skilled in writing them.

I believe I do start a new paragraph each time a new character speaks. Not sure why you commented on that, but all the other stuff is well within line. I still don't know whether I should change it up, or have it stay the way it was written, as a reminder of how I used to write.

Thanks for reviewing! I'm really sorry that you didn't find it funny.



Ronald559 says...


Lol that doesn't deserve an apology. Comedy is the hardest thing, every one has a different sense of humor, and in general it's hard to make people laugh. I think it's very hard to make me laugh, especially when reading. I'm not your target audience.
I double checked the line thing. I guess not. I got confused in the middle paragraph somehow. :)
For someone who isn't skilled in writing a western, you have a real knack for it. Historical fiction is difficult because there's so much accuracies you need to get. To achieve that level of realism. I think you established a fine sense of place, and I like your sheriff.



Persistence says...


Thank you so much! You have really motivated me to keep on writing, I respect you for that.



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Fri Oct 30, 2015 2:02 pm
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Rin321 says...



haha! I love this! Thanks for sharing *stars*




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Fri Oct 30, 2015 10:38 am
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello CandyWizard, steampowered here with a review! It’s probably going to be quite a short review, considering the fact this piece was so short, but I’ll try my best to leave you with some decent quality feedback.

First of all, let me just marvel for a minute at your talent to write such short stories that tell the story so effectively. This was so, so well written. It was humorous, it had excellent dialogue and immediately set the scene. I could picture what was happening really well.

I think you told me before you had troubles with speech tags before you joined YWS, so I won’t dwell on it too long. But to be honest, nitpicks are the only real feedback I can give you, so I’ll just point them out for you:

"These photos are not coloured, ma'am," the sheriff stroked his moustache with one hand.


Since “the sheriff” isn’t a part of the speech, you need to split this up into two separate sentences, so put a period after “ma’am”.

"Wait," she stepped back, nearly tripped over a rock.


Period after “wait”. Also, would “nearly tripping over a rock” be better? Just a suggestion though.

I really, really enjoyed reading this and this has got to go into my list of favourites. I loved the way you wrote the accents, because it made it instantly possible for me to picture the scene and what was going on. Am I correct in thinking this is set somewhere in the Southern states of America? (I’m not sure about the time period – it could probably be any time – but I’m guessing that’s the geographical location)

Oh, and I love the title by the way. Is this a subtle hint to us mere mortals that you were secretly hoping this would be featured? If so, your endeavours were successful, because this got so many likes (and I personally think it deserves more) Congratulations!

-steampowered-




Persistence says...


Steamy, thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews!

If I remember correctly, I pictured this in a Western setting.

Honestly, I did hope it would get in the Spotlight (>:3), but also this is something I imagined being written about in newspapers. xP

Thanks for reviewing, have a nice day! ^^



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Fri Oct 30, 2015 6:43 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Felistia here with a short review.

This is clever writing and reminds me of something I read in a detective book a long time ago. I love the accent you gave the girl character. Your description is excellent and doesn't slow the story at all. The dialogue is great as well and carry's the story well. Great work and I hope to see more of your work soon. Have a good day\night.





When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer