Young Writers Society

Alright, here's the promised review.

You mentioned wanting to turn this into a longer piece. Usually, in crime-mystery-robbery stories, at least most of it is told from the point of view of the criminal. You could definitely pull that off by telling us more about the old lady, maybe her history, her reason for needing the ruby, previous police records (??). Little things like that could really blow up your word count and add to the story.

However.

That would kind of take away the little twist you've got going. You could always tell the tale from the sherrif's point of view. That way, you would transform this short story into a longer story while retaining the surprising/comical ending. You don't even have to start at the scene of the crime. Tell us about him, his childhood, his reason for joining the police force, his wife/family, maybe that this old women reminded him of his grandmother, etc. There are a thousand things like this that you could throw in there.

Another option is to turn this into a collection of little westerns that revolve around the sheriff and the criminals he's had to deal with, or around the old woman and all the little crimes she's committed in her life. You could start at her first petty theft as a high school girl with her friends, and end with her last ditch effort, her last stand in the crime world. Completely up to you.

As for the story you have right here, I have only one thing that threw off my reading rhythm, and it was the very first phrase.

"I ain't talkin' to no law!"

Hey!

So this is cool, and by cool I mean poetry in the weirdest and purest form. The thing I love about it is the length. You have demonstrated that character, plot and emotion can be portrayed in a few lines. I understand both characters, where it is set and the whole plot within the first stanza - this is a feat I am in awe of.

It's the most wonderful kind of poetry, where the words and there and on the page and just shouting at you for attention, and I was hooked.

To criticism:

"Wait," she stepped back, nearly tripped over a rock.

Beautiful.

Just a short review. The dialogue is fluent, and well accented whilst not overdoing it. In fact, I just read a good mystery book, and they solved it just like that. This relates to how some people don't think before they say stuff, and don't ponder the consequences. Anyway, this was short, amusing and good quality. Have a good time, and keep writing things like this!


I hope this is ok, this is my first review! always afraid I can't find enough to write, and this is just perfect! Love the piece.

"I am colour far-sighted"
Hahahahaha you get a star just for that

Hi this is Pancake here, and can I just say that the way you made your characters talked reminded my of "Of Mice and Men" (which is a really good book if you haven't read it). Anyway, when I first clicked on this I noticed the length of the work was pretty short, and that put me on edge a little. When I say this I mean that with so few words, it makes me concerned that there is no real essence to a story, wheatear it's a silly little exert or a beginning to something bigger. You however proved me wrong, as I got the point of this right away and even had a few giggles mixed in! This is a cute little story that could lead to something bigger, and that's the best kind of short story. The ones that leave off at a point where the reader can imagine what happens next. That however makes me wonder, will this be continued? Moving on, I enjoyed this story the only real problem is a couple grammatical errors and some extra, unneeded words but those have already been pointed out so I see no need to repeat them. That's it, over all great mini story and I hope to see more!
Pancake~

I'm writing a western, and it's cool to see another writer writing western type material.

Couple of things I thought might work better for your western. Rubies would probably not be the thing that people stole during that time. They had gold and silver, and of course a form of paper currency. Ruby to me sounds more like it belongs in a mystery than a western.

Every time a new character talks start a new paragraph. It's not confusing in this short piece but it will be.

"Wait," she stepped back, nearly tripped over a rock.

she said to the sheriff just as she looked at the black and white photograph he had given her.

haha! I love this! Thanks for sharing *stars*

Hello CandyWizard, steampowered here with a review! It’s probably going to be quite a short review, considering the fact this piece was so short, but I’ll try my best to leave you with some decent quality feedback.

First of all, let me just marvel for a minute at your talent to write such short stories that tell the story so effectively. This was so, so well written. It was humorous, it had excellent dialogue and immediately set the scene. I could picture what was happening really well.

I think you told me before you had troubles with speech tags before you joined YWS, so I won’t dwell on it too long. But to be honest, nitpicks are the only real feedback I can give you, so I’ll just point them out for you:

"These photos are not coloured, ma'am," the sheriff stroked his moustache with one hand.

"Wait," she stepped back, nearly tripped over a rock.

Hi Felistia here with a short review.

This is clever writing and reminds me of something I read in a detective book a long time ago. I love the accent you gave the girl character. Your description is excellent and doesn't slow the story at all. The dialogue is great as well and carry's the story well. Great work and I hope to see more of your work soon. Have a good day\night.