Surrounded by darkness and hate, there’s no one here except her darkest hate, and she won’t go to him. No she won’t…she can’t. Why? If there’s no possible way out for her and the person that’s supposed to get her out, she hates beyond repercussion, why not go to him? Why not ask for his help then have nothing to do with him? Because then she’d be betraying her loved one. The one he killed, the one she wanted more then anything else. He killed her precious James. And right now she’s plotting a plan to be rid of this murderer. If only he wasn’t so damn handsome she would have already. But there’s something about his eyes that remind her of her precious James. What is it though?
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Hello there,
You have the idea in check, but you are just not executing it correctly. The repetition of words and short thoughts do not do any justice to the beautiful story this could be. I agree, that you have an okay start and you're a great writer...its just this is really really bunchy. Try expanding thoughts and giving a little description. The title is what really caught my eye. But to be honest, I was kinda reminded of Twilight because the MC is all like he killed my precious James and if only he wasn't so damn handsome.... But I'm sorry. For some reason I had Twilight on the brain, well anyways, please expand this and work on describing things, like where is your MC and all that other good writerly stuff. Make us feel for your character.
Keep writing and PM if you expand this,
~Angel
Hi.
Okay, then. As said, this was kinda short. I also found it confusing in the middle. I had to stop and re-read a sentence a few times before I partially understood this.
I'm going to state this plainly - it needs work.
No one can create a perfect composition the first time. That's why there are such things as betas, critiques, and the countless drafts.
Shakespeare didn't write Romeo and Juilet, or As You Like It in a matter of minutes. Writing takes time.
Don't get discouraged and keep working on it.
~jumper
All right, this sounds more like a summary or a preface of a stroy than anything else. I'm sorry but this is WAY too short to be corrected properly.
Though I found nothing wrong with this grammer, spelling, ect, but I do think you need to add more to this to really get more out of this.
I think you have a good start, but definitely expanding it is needed.
Well, Good luck with this!