I walk through a door, see all the people around me.
I walk through a door, and see a world of
possibilities
.
i walk through a door, and cry.
for all the people, all the liveing
possibilities
.
possibilities
to change the world, are dying.
they sit and wait, for nothing.
for this endless void, this useless thing, will kill you.
it will eat at your soul and tear you appart, untill you are nomore.
i can only give you one hint, for if more, i will see my own demise.
for you are sitting infrount of your death, the endless screen.
it will suck you in, untill you see only its bright lites, and colorfull alustions.
And i walk through a door, and see it sitting.
And i walk through a new door, a door made by me-
a door of possabilitys, i will open my eyes, and try to fly, out into the unknow world, of posabilitys.
-Panda
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
epic good one so many possablite
thanlks!
your welcome
"possibilities
to change the world, are dying.
they sit and wait, for nothing.
for this endless void, this useless thing, will kill you.
it will eat at your soul and tear you appart, untill you are nomore."
this particular part is not very well-written........it could be something like this:
the possibilities fade, because
they sit in vain to wait,
to wait for nothingness to arrive,this big black void,
here to perform the killing anytime,
it will feed on your soul, til you don't shine.......
it will definitely feed on your soul until you are no-more, but, you should put it in a subtle way, where the perceptions change and hence, it will feed on your soul, till you dont shine...
because your waiting is all about watching the possibilities shine......
very well- written on an over all...its very nice to see that you feel the things around you...feel more to write more:-)
Hey there! Pompadour here for a quick review! I'm sorry if I'm not coherent in places, but it's been a long day so forgive my light-headedness, yeah?
OK, so first off, the idea is pretty good. You're talking about possibilities, but I felt your poem lacked... fire. Why not use some imagery? I mean, something different. When we're talking about what is possible, drag in the impossible. Why don't I just review the poem verse by verse, eh?
So, I noticed you'd capitalized the "I"s in the first stanza, and there were no technical errors as far as I could see. In the second stanza, however, you don't capitalize the "I"s. It looks really rough. There's also a typo here, since "liveing" should be "living." Also, repetition really helps when you're trying to emphasize a point, but here it just looks like you don't know what you want to say. I'm not trying to be harsh or anything, but it felt kinda bland. The idea though, really snagged my attention and I found myself asking all sorts of questions. You're crying for the possibilities? Why? Because people aren't rushing towards them, taking advantage of them? You could dive really deep into this, y'know. Really deep.
Then there's:
I felt your writing was very... fragmented here. Also, here's a piece of advice, don't make vague comments. What are you referring to when you say "useless thing"? It would be so much easier for us to create an image within our heads if you were clearer with what you wanted to say. What I understood is that if we don't fight for possibilities, we're stuck as helpless victims of circumstance. Basically, we're useless, and that's killing us.
There are typos in several places, like "appart" should be "apart", "lites" should be "lights" , "infrount" should be "in front" and I think you meant to say "allusions" when you wrote "alustions."
Personally, I really like this part:
It just hit me, got me hard, struck me straight in the heart. It makes you THINK, and that is after all, what every poet aspires to do: seize the hearts of others, wring them out and turn their rusted cogs. So welldone!
Overall, there is definitely room for improvement, but you have good descriptive ideas and a rich idea that just requires a little cultivation! I'm sorry if this review was sort of negative, but I'm not trying to be negative at all! The ending was fantastic, just those minor typos again. So keep writing! Keep delving into that realm of possibilities!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hey there....
So there were a few spellings errors here and there, but nothing to worry about. Minor mistakes that can corrected easily with a little bit of editing. Overall, I liked the general idea of the poem. Your thought behind it is good. Though it could have been written better, but it can be said about all literary works.
Keep writing.
thanks!
hey there.. so for this piece i think it's very nice ...simple you have some mistakes like dieing
dying and posabilitys possibilities liveing living deth death ...they are simple mistakes that
you could fix them ....in general this was a nice poetry that i realy enjoyed reading and i cant
wait to see more of your works .
keep writing .....
smile
Hey guys!
First up, you've spelt possibilities wrong. 5 times. And dieing should be dying. put a space between no and more on the eight line. On the tenth line, I'm pretty sure it's supposed to say in front, and death needs an 'a' in it. In the next line, lites should be lights, and alustions should be (if I'm correct with the word) illusions. On the very last line, add an 'n; to unknow. And last but not least, make sure all your new sentences begin with a capital letter, and make sure 'I' is capital I, not lower case.
Now for the praise. I love the way this is written. It is sad and the emotion is captured well. There is also a hint of anger as well, where you seem to be mad that the possibilities are dying. You have short and simple sentences that fit well with the feel of the poem, and it ends on a good note. It is full of emotions, and very captivating, and I was drawn in by the second line, which is good. And though I'm not a big fan of poetry, I have seen some very good pieces, and I'll gladly say this is one of those good pieces.
Well done and keep up the great work!!
BasiltheCat
Thank you!
Welcome ^^