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Bitter Goodbye

by Panda11


Aghhh... I feel like I did very poorly on this one, but it was a heat of the moment thing, and I really felt the need to share it. So I hope you enjoy, despite the many flaws.

~~~~~

All the thoughts I wasted on you

All the times I shouldn't have cried.

You don't get to push me around no more

You don't get to make me feel that way, no.

I'm looking for a new beginning

I need you to see how mean your being.

Thank you for the time you gave me

Thank you for the memories.

Lets move along now, forget the past and leave it behind.

'Cause i don't want to lose you

But i won't let you pull me down, so

I might always love you

But i don't fell I'll ever be yours, my friend

 this don't have to be a bitter goodbye.


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24 Reviews


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Sun May 28, 2017 4:27 pm
tammy777 wrote a review...



Hi there

Hope you are fine. Guess you have recently been through a break up. If so no need to regret and enjoy your life.

However your poem is much more like a music if you want it to turn into. I think I was good though but can be better. I read the poem but couldn't feel connected. It lacked emotions I guess and I felt it is kind of casual break up stuff and that person is not that special according to you so I think it can be pretty much interesting better sweet and all the other emotions which poemshould have. Hope you do understand what am I trying to say so, keep it up keep writing stay healthy.




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Sun May 28, 2017 3:56 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.

This is a pretty good song lyric. it reminds me of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. you know, that movie about a guy who's trying to forget his girlfriend who hd dumped him and tries to move on. unfortunately, he goes to a hotel to see Sarah Marshall with the guy she cheated on him with, i.e. Russell brand's character. at the end of the movie, he finally moves on and hooks up with a woman who truly accepts him for who he is.

the emotional overtone was very subtle and not too dramatic. it emphasizes what every guy and/or girl goes through with every breakup and still hold their ex on some pedestal where they are blind to see who they really are. when the delusion fades, then they will leave them and move on for someone who truly loves them.
I'm looking for a new beginning

"I need you to see how mean your being.

Thank you for the time you gave me

Thank you for the memories."

This part is what made me think about Forgetting Sarah Marshall. it shows the characters epiphany on who his/her ex truly is and finally shatters the pedestal. According to john Rowls "Veil of Ignorance", people are usually standing behind an imaginary veil of ignorance where we make decisions and choices out of ignorance of what's really going on in relationships, society, etc.and only by tearing down the veil of ignorance my we see the truth.

anyway, this was pretty good. i hope you write more.




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Sun May 28, 2017 3:47 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



Hi there, Panda!

You listed this partially under narrative, so I'm going to chew into that because it's my jam and nobody stops my jams. ;)

Basically, what I think would take this piece from being what you think is a flawed, cathartic, get-it-out poem that needs a rescue inhaler (which is my own input) is narration. If you would take out some of the more useless fat from the piece and give us a gorgeous scene motif to weave through.

Give us bits of your friendship with this person. The good and the bad. And then tie in the lyricism that you already have going for you. Sure, they're not strong, and the flow isn't the smoothest, but that's all a matter of time put into a piece and learning through trial and error which words are clunky and where line breaks belong.

Basically, you have hope for this piece, so don't give it up. Revise, rewrite, but don't delete the past drafts so you can always look at where you came from in the beginning.

Lums




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Fri May 19, 2017 9:39 pm
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Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
I enjoyed this poem because you did a good job expressing emotion in a releatable way. My favorite line in this poem was the last one, it adds a ton of effect and ties the flow together. In general this was a beautiful, well-written, and lyrical poem that I enjoyed in full. There was a few spelling and grammar mistakes but I think DragonNoir covered them all. Over all this was an amazing piece worthy of praise!

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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Fri May 19, 2017 8:54 pm
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DragonNoir wrote a review...



Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

I really like the theme you used here, it's kind of relateable in a way. That last line is awesome and has a lot of effect. In general, the entire poem is awesome! However, I did see a few mistakes:
"this don't have to..." The 't' in 'this' should be capitalised.
"... how mean your being." 'your' should be changed to 'you're'.
"But i don't fell..." The 'i' needs to be capitalised and 'fell' is probably supposed to mean 'feel'.
"Lets move along..." 'Lets' is short for 'let us', so it should have a apostrophe after the 't'.
Another mistake is you wrote this in a rush. You should never write things in a rush, otherwise you will end up making silly mistakes. Give yourself more time next time.

But don't let your mistakes keep you down! This piece absolutely amazing in almost every way!

Overall, a great poem, but you can try to not write things in a hurry to prevent any mistakes.
I hope my review helped! :)





A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats