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E - Everyone

Hidden From Me Chapter 2

by OreosAreLife


After the meeting got over a tall gangly man directed us down several flights of stairs. When we got to a door he told us that we had the floor all to ourselves and people would come get us for breakfast, lunch, and supper. He led me and Luke inside and then locked the door. Apparently we were free, just in this designated area. I saw Luke shrug and walk down one of the two hallways.

I walked down the other and opened a door. It was a living room, the walls painted a dark blue and the carpet was black. It had a black couch facing a T.V. The T.V was set on a stand and on either side there were shelves and shelves of movies, games, and what appeared to be game systems. Black drapes covered what I assumed to be a window. It was obvious to me that this was a guy’s room. Which means it was Luke’s.

I backed up and shut the door. I was guessing that this had to be the side of the hallway that appeared to belong to Luke. I guess when they meant all the doors would be unlocked and we were allowed to roam free the man meant only one this floor. Brighter way of a joke. Say something to give us a chance then hit us with something different, yet perfectly inline with what the said. Typical Brighter.

I sighed and walked to what I assumed was my half of the floor. I opened every door till I found what looked to be a bedroom. I didn’t go in though. I saw Luke sitting on the bed. The pink bed, with pink everywhere. The walls though where black, along with the carpet. The had to give me the most disgusting color besides purple? I thought. I stepped into the pink bubble of a room and went to the closet. I searched, but there was only pink to be found, no other color. I was stuck with it.

“So do you wanna do our nails first, or do our hair. Oh, but we just half to talk about what Taylor Swift wore to the Red Carpet! It was ghastly.” exclaimed Luke in a high girlish voice.

“Who?” I asked.

“I dunno, just found it in a magazine in the drawer. It has a whole bunch of glamorously dressed up people in there. I picked on that looks like a strawberry threw up red all over her.” Luke laughed.

“Uh huh, well then, I’ll see you later, now get out.” I demanded.

“Why? What else is there to do here than annoy you?” asked Luke.

“Go play on your game systems. I wanna change and take a shower.” I said.

“So that. I’ll just be here to keep you company.” replied Luke.

“Ugh, NO! You are not gonna….. Never mind. Just don’t look.” I ordered.

I went to the dresser and found a pair of pink pajamas and pink underwear. I grabbed those and headed into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. The bathroom was modern, or at least that was the word that popped into my head to describe it. It had a black counter, and two black sinks. There were black cabinets and when I opened one I found it filled with every kind of makeup, and beauty product. In the other I found bathroom essentials, towels, washcloths, soaps, shampoos, conditioners, and other things for a luxurious bath or shower. The bathtub itself was fancy. It was claw shaped and had several different nozzles on it and the shower head had different settings for flow of water. The toilet was sleek and black, looked brand new. There was an elaborate chain hanging from the ceiling next to it, I presumed this was for flushing the toilet.

I took a shower and changed then stepped out of bathroom to find Luke looking through the drawers. There was already a small pile of metal parts, and wire in the middle of the floor behind him. When I took a closer look I realized it was camera's, hearing devices, and decoders. Brighter had the room pegged, they probably had the whole floor pegged. I realized what Luke was doing and started going through everything one the opposite side of the room. When we finished we had a medium sized pile of different spying devices at our feet. We switched sides and double checked each other's sides. Finding several more one Luke’s side I threw them into a pile, Luke found a few I missed too.

“So now that we are sure the room is not pegged anymore we can talk. Although I’m sure they had devices in the wall so we will have to be careful. Knowing Brighter they’re listening to us right now. So how are we gonna talk without them knowing what we are saying?” he whispered to me.

“Well we could use the magazines and the info they have inside them as coded words. Like saying a place in there as a place we mean in here and having a different from it be someone here. A gossip code. Looks like we are gossiping, when really we are talking in code.” I whispered back.

“Excellent! Now let's get to planning and deceiving!” Luke said

“Stupid question first.” I said.

“No question is ever stupid.” replied Luke.

“Well, what exactly are we planning?” I asked.

Luke just looked at me like I was the stupidest person in the whole universe. I looked back waiting for an answer.

“Okay I take back what I said earlier, there is such a thing as a stupid question. What we are planning Regina, is a way to escape and bring what Brighter is doing into the light of the world. We are planning one deceiving them and bringing them down. Cause I surely don’t wanna die. Do you?” he asked.

“No of course I don’t wanna die!” I exclaimed.

“Good then let’s get to planning.” said Luke.

“Operation Red Carpet is officially a go!” I said/

Luke laughed and agreed. We sat on my bed and started making code names and memorizing them. Not once writing a single thing down, knowing Brighter would be checking the rooms for signs if a traitor. By the time someone came to get us we had everything coded. Now we just needed a plan. Brighter was going down, whether me and Luke died trying or not.


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Tue Jan 10, 2017 11:05 pm
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Zoom wrote a review...



I walked down the other and opened a door. It was a living room, the walls painted a dark blue and the carpet was black. It had a black couch facing a T.V.


Describing the colour of objects isn’t a good way to engage your readers. After this, we know the walls were blue, the carpet was black, and the couch was also black. But that doesn’t tell us about the condition of these objects? The shape of them? The material? The texture? If you’re going to use just one adjective per object then make it count. Try substituting each of these adjectives for something besides colour and then you will notice how much more powerful your writing will become.

The T.V was set on a stand and on either side there were shelves and shelves of movies, games, and what appeared to be game systems.


“what appeared to be” – do these game systems not look like the usual consoles from this world? Does the protagonist not recognise them for another reason? This phrase seemed really random to include here.

I backed up and shut the door. I was guessing that this had to be the side of the hallway that appeared to belong to Luke.


Again “appeared” was strange to include in this sentence. We already know your character is unsure because they said they were guessing.

I sighed and walked to what I assumed was my half of the floor.


At this point I feel very beat over the head with all the guessing, appearing to be and assumptions.

I opened every door till I found what looked to be a bedroom.


Oh come on :p what “looked to be” a bedroom? They aren’t certain about anything.

“So do you wanna do our nails first, or do our hair. Oh, but we just half to talk about what Taylor Swift wore to the Red Carpet! It was ghastly.” exclaimed Luke in a high girlish voice.


Well that’s sexist :3 this will trigger a lot of people haha.

I found bathroom essentials, towels, washcloths, soaps, shampoos, conditioners, and other things for a luxurious bath or shower.


I highly suggest not listing products that can be found in any bathroom, it isn’t very compelling to read, and it comes across like a shopping list.

***

Final comments:

1) The problem that stands out most is how you use colours to describe everything (most of the time being black). I feel like I explained that well enough above but just wanted to mention that at the end, after finishing the piece, that my lasting impression is that I would have liked a variety of adjectives and not just the colour of everything.

2) The dialog felt unnatural to me. I didn’t notice the reason why until I looked back a second time – you use very similar dialog tags for each line. Now, I know some writers like to keep their dialog bare so that the dialog itself “does the talking” (no pun intended). However, I feel your writing would benefit by mixing the tags up a little bit. You can play around with the pace of your story by adding the tag at the beginning, in the middle or at the end of the dialog (which is what you opted for a lot). Also, you don’t just have to tag with “he said” “I replied” etc – you can use actions to indicate who the speaker is.

3) I would have liked a lot more character development and personality in general from your protagonist. The story was written in first person but it was styled much more like third person, in that there wasn’t a great deal of unique insights, perspectives, comments etc that make us feel as if we are inside your protagonist’s head.

I hope this review helps somewhat. If you have any questions please let me know 

Zoom




OreosAreLife says...


It helped a lot! Thanks for the review!




I mean, I think that's how this works anyway. I'm no expert. don't quote me.
— fortis