There is pain everywhere. It spread like a wildfire through my veins. Making my whole body hurt from head to toe. I can’t escape. I wish for death to take me, so I no longer have to feel the pain anymore. It feels like I’m slowly burning alive in a fire that won’t go out. It’s all I think. I wish for it to end. Slowly it begins to subside, then there is nothing.
I awaken to silence. At first it think I have gone deaf. But no it’s just that there is nothing in the room I’m in to make noise. It feels like I have just run around the world. All my limbs hurt, and I’m weak. I can’t even find the strength to open my eyes. So I lay there, hoping to pick up even the smallest sound. But still there is none. After what feels like hours, but was surely only minutes, I finally open my eyes. There is gray-white everywhere I look. There are no windows. There is no door. I’m confused as to how they put me in here if there isn’t one, but then I remember were I am: Brighter.
The name makes my insides burn in anger and hate. I know it is only a matter of time before they come back to exterminate me. I have to escape. But I don’t know how with there being no windows, nor a door. I look around the room and find that the only thing in it, I’m sitting on. No toilet, no desk, no nothing. Just the bed and me. I ball my hands into fists in frustration.
How am I supposed to get back to Matt without a way of escape? I think. I’ll just have to think outside the box. Be creative, as I’m sure people before me have tried every means of escaping. I’ll have to do something that the green-masked people have not yet seen. First off, I’ll need to get my bearings, and no do anything stupid. But do it before they kill me. I know I’m running out of time, but I can do nothing about it. There is nothing here I can control.
Just then a man appears out of nowhere. I just look at him, hoping my face is blank of all emotion. He’s wearing a green lab coat buttoned up, but I can just see a hint of a white t-shirt underneath. He has one blue jeans, and white sneakers. I guess his age around twenty-six. He’s about 5’10” and has almost jet black hair flipped up like Justin Bieber. His emerald green eyes are a sight to see giving the fact that the only other two people I know with emerald green eyes are me and Matt.
“Well, come on! We don’t have all night.” he said.
I stay silent, fearing I might show emotion and this is another one of their horrid tests. Slowly I stand up and without looking back follow him through the wall. So that was how they got in and out. I wonder if they can lock it……
“We never lock any of the rooms. You’re allowed to roam as you please. Provided you stay in the facility. “ the man said, as if reading my mind.
We walk for a couple minutes, going this way and that. Around corners and down and up steps. I think he is trying to confuse me. Or maybe this man is just stupid and got us lost. I laugh silently to myself at the thought. The whole time though, I see something strange. Well, it’s what I don’t see that is strange. No windows. Probably to keep what they're doing a secret from snoops. I don’t doubt their security. Brighter is a top grade secret facility. We stop finally at a wall and he turns to me.
“This is your last chance. Make us proud. Or you die.” with that he turns and leaves me standing alone in the hallway.
I don’t think about what he told me. I gather myself mentally and walk through the wall. I don’t flinch this time, knowing to expect the feeling like I’m falling and the light-headedness that come with walking though the walls. When I’m through I see I’m in a room with a round table.
Like Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table, I think to myself.
There are people sitting in the seat surrounding it. I count and there are eight. I notice though, that one of the people I took to be an adult was actually a boy, probably around my age. Everyone turns to me when I walk in. The adults’ faced light up and some even smile at me. The boy however, scowls.
“Ah, Regina! We were all wondering when you’d be up. Come sit!” said a brunette woman who looked to be in her thirties.
“I’m good. I think I’ll stand,” I reply with false sweetness.
“It wasn’t a request. Sit. Now!” ordered a man who looked to be in his fifties.
I sat in the chair next to the scowling boy. He moved his chair as far from me as he could get it to go. I frowned at him and when the adults weren't looking, flipped him off.
He wants to be a jerk, well I can be one right back, I thought.
“Let's get started, shall we?” said the man in his fifties.
“Regina, Luke. Thank you for coming. We have a small favor to ask you.” said the woman who spoke earlier.
“Okay, first off, I don’t know you people. Second, why should I help you when you kidnapped me? And third, you tortured and experimented on me, why should I help? I asked furious at them all.
“Wow! You’re even stupider than I thought you’d be.” said the boy they called Luke.
“Excuse me---” I started but the man me off.
“Okay cutting to the chase then Regina. You were sold to us by your mom. The torture was for a good cause, we need to push you to the brink. Plus you’re our property, we can do what we please with you. And the experiments were extraordinary. You passed every test with flying colors. You were one of two who did, Luke was the other.” explained the man.
“Now we need you to use your new abilities to help us. There is only a small price you have to pay and it won’t hurt a bit. It’s not even that big a price.” said a blonde woman.
“Oh? What’s the price?” asked Luke
“You both will die. See told you it was not that small.” said the woman.
“WAIT! WHAT! That’s a huge price and it’s bound to hurt!” I exclaim.
“It’s a small price to us. And your deaths will be quick and painless, I assure you.” said the woman. “Plus, nobody is going to miss you. You’re expandable. What do you say?”
“What do I say? Are you kidding me?” I said, flabbergasted.
“We say yes. We’re in.” said Luke giving me a shut-up kind of look.
I kept my mouth shut and just nodded in agreement. If Luke said yes he must have a plan. I didn’t know anything about him- heck I’d only met him not even ten minutes ago- but I could feel like I could trust him. I just had to go with the flow till he revealed to me what he was planning. In my gut I felt he had a plan for escape and in order to go through with it, we had to be in Brighter’s good graces.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Hidden From Me Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
*Drops from ceiling* Heyo! Julias here, just Roman' around to deliver an interview!
*Waves awkwardly* Hey, remember me? I was thumbing through my wall and then I saw that you dropped off the first chapter to your book, and I said I'd review it... and totally forgot about it.
Okay. So to begin, "There is pain everywhere. It spread like a wildfire through my veins. Making my whole body hurt from head to toe. I can’t escape. I wish for death to take me, so I no longer have to feel the pain anymore. It feels like I’m slowly burning alive in a fire that won’t go out. It’s all I think. I wish for it to end. Slowly it begins to subside, then there is nothing."
THAT OPENING! That caught my attention for sure, and got me interested. I like how you made it confusing enough to get us interested, but not so confusing that we feel like we want to give up. It makes me want to read more.
I liked the third paragraph down there. We can fully feel the protagonist's anger. However, I think that this is a wonderful opportunity to dish out a couple more details, you know? Like did the room smell like anything at all? Were there sheets on the bed? If so, what did they feel like? You have loads of oppurtunities here, and I'd bet you'd do an awesome job with those.
For the fourth paragraph, you did a great job at describing this new guy. However, I had a slight issue with how you described his hair. You said that he had almost black hair flipped up like Justin Bieber's. Not everyone knows who Justin Bieber is, and those who do probably know that he's had lots of hairstyles over his career. I know it's difficult, but perhaps you could come up with a different way to do this. This is probably just me, though. I'm quite picky. XD
Also, your protagonist kept mentioning things about trying to look emotionless. Why is that? I probably missed something, but that seems a bit confusing to me.
'“Okay cutting to the chase then Regina. You were sold to us by your mom. The torture was for a good cause, we need to push you to the brink. Plus you’re our property, we can do what we please with you. And the experiments were extraordinary. You passed every test with flying colors. You were one of two who did, Luke was the other.” explained the man.'
Ugh. Hate this guy so far. *Shudders*
So I like this. This is a wonderful looking sort of story. I know that it's been a while since you've last updated, but I hope that you could pretty please upload another chapter? I would actually really love to review it, and I plan to keep by my word this time, and not wait a billion years before I finally get to it.
-'Lias
I will start to work on the next chapter.. I've just been so busy.
Heya, Ash! Casanova here with a short review!
Anyway, I like this a lot better than I did the prologue. You seem to actually be getting the characters out there, and trying to do something with them. On that note, though, I do have a couple of things to say on that.
Your characters dialogue seems dull, and the places you have it it seems a bit too much. I would suggest messing around with ideas, and the way you say things. You have the average he said she asked i exclaimed endings going on, and I feel like you're holding yourself back from furthering the emotion. Like, it's a bit bland. I would suggest something like he scowled(for anger), she sobbed(for sadness), or something as simple as that. It can really make a difference in this kind of thing.
The other thing with characters is messing around with actions and thoughts instead of having constant dialogue. I feel like this could help you out. Like, instead of letting the characters say what's going on, let their actions, their surroundings, and everything like that explain the story. I think you'll find that it will help you in the long run.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one. Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Thanks for the review and I see what you mean by what you're saying! I'll definitely remember that for future chapters.
Wotcha, Oreos. Pan here to fry up a review.
Nice start! I'm a sucker for dodgy facilities and strange experiments in fiction, especially when the forces behind them are malevolent. I agree with featherstone9086 that this chapter never gets boring - you pitch the pacing fairly well, and you don't dwell too much on anything. It's a solid and intriguing intro to your story.
So, what are my pointers?
The main thing I noticed in this chapter was the characterisation of your antagonists. It's a bit too heavy handed - by making the scientists so blatantly evil, they lose dimension, and this actually makes them less threatening. Truly loathsome villains have strokes of realism to them. That's why people hate Professor Umbridge more than Voldemort!
However, your scientists are so glaringly evil that they don't feel real to me. Take this line:
The bit in bold just tips it over the edge into pantomime territory. However, if the man merely said:
That's more sinister, no? Because it's indirect - he isn't shouting at her, but rather daring her to speak out against him. It's a power play, and subtle enough to feel realistic.
There's also this last bit:
Why would they tell Luke and Regina that they will die if they help them? What good would that do? By telling them this, they only give them more reason to refuse; if they're going to die no matter what, why would they help? It seems much more likely that the scientists would be evasive about their intentions regarding Luke and Regina. They might refuse to tell them what they want their help for, and only say that failure to cooperate will result in death. That way, they can control them.
Moreover, I also noticed a few quirks in your description. For example:
I don't know about you, but I can't and don't guess someone's exact height the first time I see them. I also don't pinpoint their age to an exact number. I might notice if someone is tall or short, or if they look young or old, but only if it's particularly noticeable. In fiction, it's better to focus on the things that really leap out about a person's appearance - the emerald eyes, for example, and the hair colour and style, if it's unique. But I'd scrap anything too specific about age and height.
Whilst estimating a roundabout age isn't a bad way of describing someone, it doesn't build up much of a picture on its own. Plus, seeing as these are people Regina is meeting for the first time, I can't imagine that their age would be the most defining thing she'd notice about them. More likely she'd notice hair colour, or whether they had pouchy eyes, or if they had a pinched face or an Adam's apple like a wattle. Pick one notable, evocative characteristic for each character and have that be the thing that Regina distinguishes them by. It'll make them much more memorable to the reader.
Do all that, and you'll be well on your way to a great story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Hope I helped! Message me if you've got any questions.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey Pan. The reason I'm so precise is coming up soon in Chapter 2! You'll find out how Regina knows these things! And I'll be sure to change a few things! Thanks for the suggestions and I'm glad you liked it!
As with the first piece, I really like this piece! It is interesting, hooking, and doesn't get boring. However there were a few spelling/grammatical errors I wanted to point out to you, as well as some suggestions on how you break up some of your sentences:
"I said flabbergasted." I would suggest using a comma here, so it reads: "I said, flabbergasted." I think it would make it flow a bit more smoothly. I would suggest the same with, "the man said[,] as if reading my mind." and "the boy[,] however[,] scowls."
"The torture was for a good cause we need to push you to the brick." Did you mean to say brink?
"I didn't know anything about him, heck I'd only met him not even ten minutes ago, but I could feel like I could trust him." I think that dashes instead of commas would set it off better, like so: "I didn't know anything about him- heck, I'd only met him not even ten minutes ago- but I could feel like I could trust him."
These are all just suggestions- every person writes differently and has their own style. I'll be keeping an eye out for the next chapter, so keep on writing!
-Featherstone9086
Oh, thank you for the suggestions! And I'm glad you liked it! I'll change those right away.