Hey Omni! <3 Although my last review was on 0.3, I decided to move forward to review this one instead because 0.4 already had two reviews, and I'm trying to get some works out of the Green Room. I did read 0.4 and I enjoyed it, though!
So let's get into it! I've missed these two XD
The buffet of wind against his ears were only lessened by the occasional whip of water rushing by him and around him. He couldn't tell what was around him, or whether or not he falling feet first or head first.
I did just come from the last chapter, so I'm not confused by who you mean by "he", but someone else might be, so it would probably be good to mention Ryun's name again at the very start of this chapter since it can take a little adjusting when getting back into something. Also, I know you aren't looking for grammar stuff quite as much, but since I did quote this section, there's a missing "was" before "falling". I'll try to stop doing that now XD
His words were cut off as he submerged completely underwater, the shock of the initial impact ringing his ears. Instinctively, he held his breath and immediately started flailing, trying to get back above water. Thankfully, he, like all babes of his home town, had learned to hold his breath underwater. As a port town, it was necessary.
Okay, so you said they were free-falling, right? If this happened, without anything slowing Ryun and Railyn down (such as friction with the side of something like a wall, or bumping off of things in mini-falls, both of which would still injure them), landing in the water would be about the same as landing on solid concrete. They'd be going very fast, especially if they've been falling for enough time (I imagine a few seconds) for Ryun to shout a few times, during which they'd be accelerating, so this fall would not go well at all for either of them.
I understand you probably don't want them getting injured at this point of the prologue, because that can be a little inconvenient in the middle of writing action, but for the sake of realism, they're almost certainly going to get scraped up if they find a way to slow down their fall or break some bones at best if they don't. Just thought I'd bring that to your attention, since it seems intuitive that falling into water would break a fall!
Another thing from here is that their hometown being a port town wasn't mentioned earlier, and it's now a bit out of place with what I do know about the town. I knew it has fields for farming, and that there are mines/mountains nearby for the residents to work in, which made me think it was 1) probably inland, with maybe a river 2) rather isolated, with only other similar farming towns of the same size for company. So learning that it's a port town on top of all that, with a different geography than I envisioned, and most likely has trading interactions with other port towns is making me revise everything I knew about this place XD generally, that kind of surprise this far in is unpleasant to the reader, because it betrays the original perception of something and it's hard to reconstruct an idea that's already formed, so this might be worth mentioning earlier on ^^
He didn't know if that instinct to hold your breath still happened if someone was unconscious when they went under.
Since you did establish that Ryun knows some stuff about holding one’s breath and such, it feels like he’d have some idea of this too.
The black in his vision swirled with white as he struggled to keep himself awake and his breath held as his head screamed from the impact.
Ooh I like the imagery of this line!
While the moonlight peered through the black stormclouds to shine down on the small river they found themselves in, it did little to light up anything else.
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However, it was just enough for Ryun to see the edge where the land met the water.
I really don’t think the “timeskip” break is needed here, because there isn’t really any change in setting or topic between the two paragraphs. The “it” in the second paragraph refers to the moonlight in the first paragraph anyway, and it definitely wouldn’t make sense to introduce a break without restating what the “it” is about, because that would make us refer to before the break while you’re trying to get us to move on.
Railyn's sleeve up to his shoulder was singed off, and there was a darkened handprint in its place.
Oh now this is interestinggggg
"Is that our village?" Railyn asked, which prompted Ryun to sit up, glancing in the direction Railyn was looking.
There were several flickering red lights, dancing in the distance and struggling against the rain's attempts to douse them out.
"Maybe it’s our parents?"
Poor baby Railyn those are NOT your parents :(((((((
The feeling in his stomach returned, the one that that caused him to flee into the mines.
The intense sensation to run.
Ooooooh ending with DRAMA. It should be “that had caused him” and the typo distracted me from the impact of the line somewhat, but it was a good ending choice!
Great job Omni! Thank you for the chapter and good luck with LMS <3
-silv c:
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