Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I'm doing the rounds of the LMS works and this is my next victim

First Impression: Okayy, this is a pretty cool start. Did not disappoint. I think its a lovely place to start what I believe I remember you calling a prologue. Loved the characters so far. Their interactions are priceless and I already love them together although if I remember right getting attached to them interacting with each other is a bad idea going forward in this novel. There were a couple of places where the broke a bit for me though which is pretty all I could find as far as issues here are concerned.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was an evening like any other, that evening, besides the storm that had just rolled in. Storms like this one weren't uncommon by any means, but it did mean that Ryun and Railyn couldn't actually go outside to go play, unless they wanted to get chastised by their mothers for ruining their clothes with mud and grime and water. It would take weeks to get the stains out of their trousers, their mothers would say, and you would get yourself hurt running in the mud like that, they would say. It wasn't their mothers that stopped them from playing outside, of course, but the sound of the first crack of thunder that ushered them inside.

And so Ryun and Railyn were stuck inside the former's house, Railyn playing with a wooden top absentmindedly while Ryun used his not-very-sharp knife to whittle away at a small figurine. Railyn sighed as the top sputtered out and skipped across the wooden floor to flop next to the fireplace. He scrambled to a sitting position and peered over at Ryun's task, who noticed him out of the corner of his eyes and covered the project up with his hands, holding it close to his chest. "No peeking." Ryun chastised mockingly, his voice cracking with the signs of the boy dipping his toes into manhood.

"Oh, come on, Ryun. I'm bored and you're just sitting there not actually playing with me." Railyn hmphed and crossed his arms, plastering a huge frown onto his tiny face.

"I wanted to make you something, just didn't think it would take this long." Ryun inspected his shoddy knife. "If only I had something better."

"Yeah, if only you didn't almost cut off your finger."

"Hey!" Ryun brandished his knife in a mock-threatening manner. "Who's going to lose a finger, now?"

"Oh, you're on!" Railyn scrambled to his feet and grabbed a wooden staff with one end covered with voloor wool. Ryun got to his feet, grabbing a down pillow from the bedside.

"En garde!" Ryun shouted, something he had heard from the actual sparring sessions he watched his father do. He widened his stance, something he mimicked from actual fighters from his village, and held his pillow with both hands to one side, ready to strike.

Railyn squinted threateningly. He hopped, spreading his legs out so far that he almost lost his balance, and held the club out as far as his small arms could handle. The club wavered.

Railyn surged forward first, but Ryun was too quick for the younger boy, and the down pillow crashed swiftly upon his shoulder. He yelped, and the club fell from where Railyn aimed, smacking Ryun on his thigh instead of his annoying head (not that he would have reached Ryun's head anyway, but it was the thought the counted for Railyn). Ryun gasped --mostly for effect-- and toppled to the ground. Railyn chirped in triumph and flopped onto Ryun's back with full force, completing ditching his weapon of choice for a more brutal, hands-on approach.

Ryun jabbed Railyn's armpits, a dual strike that brought the boy to his knees as he crumpled and fell to the side, a deep chuckle rumbling within him and begging to be let loose, much to Railyn's dismay and Ryun's joy.

Ryun obliged the laugh and wrapped one arm around Railyn, trapping him as his other arm went in for the kill, tickling the boy. Railyn's laughs started swiftly, filling the cabin with light-hearted joy as he struggled to free himself from the older boy's grasp. He could barely get a breath in, let alone a word as he wanted to curse out Ryun in any way he could think of --which, admittedly, was not a lot-- and, at the same time, beg him to let Railyn go.

Finally, for what seemed like forever, Railyn gasped out a "Stop! Stop!" and Ryun obliged, just only after one excruciatingly long moment of a continuous tickle. After that, though, Ryun released Railyn and allowed the boy to regain his breath and his dignity. Railyn stared daggers at his older friend and punched him in the shoulder. "I told you, tickling's off limits." He seethed.

A flash of blinding lightning flooded the windows, followed by a booming thunder that rattled the glass panes. Railyn involuntarily shuddered. The young boy still had not completely gotten over his fear of the loud storms. Ryun couldn't blame him.

A strange, hollow yet deep kind of whistling followed the void after the thunder, and it set the hairs on the back of both the boy's necks on edge. Railyn turned to Ryun with a questioning look, but Ryun's attention was outside. Something was off. There was something... wrong with the sound of the rain on the roof.

A deep, rumbling horn bellowed from the darkness, followed by another, and another. It sounded similar to the goat horns of his village, but darker and louder, carrying itself through even the sounds of the storm.

Something deep inside Ryun begged him to run immediately, but instead he stepped back inside and latched the door shut, checking on Railyn as he turned his back to the horns of war.

Hey Omni! I have taken forever to get to reviewing your LMS stuff and I'm not sure when I'll do it for the second part of this (you may have to bully me into it if I keep forgetting), but I am loving this start ^^

It was an evening like any other, that evening, besides the storm that had just rolled in. Storms like this one weren't uncommon by any means, but it did mean that Ryun and Railyn couldn't actually go outside to go play, unless they wanted to get chastised by their mothers for ruining their clothes with mud and grime and water. It would take weeks to get the stains out of their trousers, their mothers would say, and you would get yourself hurt running in the mud like that, they would say. It wasn't their mothers that stopped them from playing outside, of course, but the sound of the first crack of thunder that ushered them inside.

And so Ryun and Railyn were stuck inside the former's house, Railyn playing with a wooden top absentmindedly while Ryun used his not-very-sharp knife to whittle away at a small figurine. Railyn sighed as the top sputtered out and skipped across the wooden floor to flop next to the fireplace. He scrambled to a sitting position and peered over at Ryun's task, who noticed him out of the corner of his eyes and covered the project up with his hands, holding it close to his chest. "No peeking." Ryun chastised mockingly, his voice cracking with the signs of the boy dipping his toes into manhood.

"Hey!" Ryun brandished his knife in a mock-threatening manner. "Who's going to lose a finger, now?"

"Oh, you're on!" Railyn scrambled to his feet and grabbed a wooden staff with one end covered with voloor wool. Ryun got to his feet, grabbing a down pillow from the bedside.

Railyn surged forward first, but Ryun was too quick for the younger boy, and the down pillow crashed swiftly upon his shoulder. He yelped, and the club fell from where Railyn aimed, smacking Ryun on his thigh instead of his annoying head (not that he would have reached Ryun's head anyway, but it was the thought the counted for Railyn). Ryun gasped --mostly for effect-- and toppled to the ground. Railyn chirped in triumph and flopped onto Ryun's back with full force, completing ditching his weapon of choice for a more brutal, hands-on approach.

Ryun barely managed to cover his face to avoid the onslaught of fluffy attacks from the pillow and the other boy.

Railyn toppled over Ryun and yanked the pillow from his hands.

Ryun took that moment to yank the pillow out of Railyn's hand and he tossed it onto his bed before swiftly going in for the one attack he knew would turn the tides of battle into his favor: the tickle.

A flash of blinding lightning flooded the windows, followed by a booming thunder that rattled the glass panes. Railyn involuntarily shuddered. The young boy still had not completely gotten over his fear of the loud storms. Ryun couldn't blame him.

A strange, hollow yet deep kind of whistling followed the void after the thunder, and it set the hairs on the back of both the boy's necks on edge. Railyn turned to Ryun with a questioning look, but Ryun's attention was outside. Something was off. There was something... wrong with the sound of the rain on the roof.

A deep, rumbling horn bellowed from the darkness, followed by another, and another. It sounded similar to the goat horns of his village, but darker and louder, carrying itself through even the sounds of the storm.

Hiya Omni, mint here with a review! ^^ First off, I want to say that I love the dynamic between Ryun and Railyn. I've gotten a peek at this duo already from reading Aether's Heart (which I am definitely going to keep reading whenever I have time xD), and it's wonderful to be able to explore their backstory more here!
I also love the scene at the beginning with these two boys playing in Ryun's house. The description of the storm outside and the fireplace inside just makes it seem very cozy and warm. :] Overall, this was an entertaining chapter and an intriguing start to your novel!

My main piece of feedback for this would be to add some dialogue into your pillow fight action scene. I adore the concept of Railyn and Ryun having this playful, laughter-filled fight, but I feel like the description bogs it down in some places. For example, the line, "Railyn took this moment to guffaw at the obviously weaker opponent in between his feathery strikes." just reads a little awkwardly to me because the phrases like "took this moment" and "obviously weaker opponent" sound a little too formal for this, if that makes sense? And I feel like instead of outrightly saying that Ryun was weaker, you could have Railyn teasingly say it instead. Like, he could say, "Ha! You're no match for me, peasant!" (That's probably a bad example, but you get the point. xD) I really liked the lines of dialogue right before the fight, and I feel like having similar pieces of dialogue during the fight would help make the scene livelier. C:

Alright, and some thoughts on the prophecy…
Overall, it was appropriately dramatic, especially the last line. I also feel like it does a good job of introducing the main premise of the story, namely, two boys who were separated and who are now finding each other again, although much has changed from when they knew each other before. The "winds of war" is also a fantastic phrase, and I think I shivered a little at "May doom find us all." xD I only have one nitpick:

But, despite all their hopes, things will not be the same.

before swiftly going in for the one attack he knew would turn the tides of battle into his favor: the tickle.

Something deep inside Ryun begged him to run immediately, but instead he stepped back inside and latched the door shut, checking on Railyn as he turned his back to the horns of war.

Heya Omni! Here for a reviewwwww!!

So I'm just gonna go through semi-chronologically and then if I have a random thought, I'll include it somewhere XD.

So first off-- I like the idea behind the first paragraph, but it's a little... muddied (pun unintended). I think even mentioning that the reason they run in because of the thunder is because they're afraid of it, or referencing something like a "childish impulse to hide" would make it a lot easier to get through. Especially since it's the first paragraph, I think that making sure it's easy to engage in and fully understand is very important. I'd also love to see something about the era this is set in brought up within the first paragraph, even some minor reference to something. I don't currently have any suggestions, but mentioning something that people recognize as associated with a certain era of time would really help to clarify and ground the first paragraph since from your description, it isn't really clear at all when this is happening.

I love the set-up immediately of the two characters through what they’re doing. It’s very distinct and really sets up two separate personalities. Also: “not-very-sharp knife” has me cackling right now.

So I’m still in the second paragraph and loving the characterization that’s happening already. You can tell straight away from Ryun’s first dialogue line what type of person he is and I love that. The only thing I’ll say is that the line of his voice dipping into manhood feels a little bit forced. I can’t really identify it other than that.

Continuing onward, the dialogue feels a bit forced. It doesn’t really feel completely like little kids talking I guess? Or maybe it’s subtle things like “If only I had something better” instead of something like “I wish I had something better” or “I wish this were better”. ‘If only’ just feels like a phrase you don’t hear a small child use a lot. Also, slipping in the information that Ryun’s father is in sword fights or was feels a little bit forced.

Railyn squinted threateningly.

Railyn took this moment to guffaw at the obviously weaker opponent in between his feathery strikes.

”I told you, tickling’s off limits,” he seethed.

Hey there!

Ah, I'm already sucked in right away to the story you've got here! I loved the little... not necessarily prologue, but the prophecy-type poem at the beginning; I always love a good rhyme scheme. The tonal shift throughout was also nicely executed—you went from this warm, sweet moment between two young friends and then ended with these foreboding "horns of war," which is super chilling and made even more so by the contrast between the playfighting before it.

I look forward to following Ryun and Railyn's journey, and best of luck on LMS!! You got this!