Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKayy loving the growing tension here. It seems we are in fact really diving in deep with this as far as this growing danger in the storm is concerned. It is so far proving to be a really exciting build up.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The storm did not relent, nor did Ryun's suspicions that something was off. While he whittled away at his surprise for Railyn and Railyn messed around with some wooden toys near his bed, Ryun's eyes were in a constant cycle of glancing out the window to his right, checking on the candle in front of him to keep tabs on how much time had passed since his parents went out to the coast, and to his left to keep an eye on Railyn. The younger boy was completely oblivious and didn't seem to share the same dread that something was wrong like Ryun held deep in his chest. His heart threatened to escape from his inside, and perhaps he was doing this to himself but perhaps not. Glancing at Railyn, sometimes Ryun wished he held the same naive optimism that Railyn had. Both of them were only child's and grew up in the same struggling village, but, while that fact had aged Ryun before his time, it never seemed to affect Railyn, who just accepted it as it was. Thankfully, Ryun had Railyn as he grew up, and Railyn had Ryun. They had grown up together and were as close as brothers, and sometimes it felt like it was going to be them against the world.

Okayy this is an interesting moment here. I love the tension from the storm continuing to build but the way it then transitions into some pretty complex backstory kind of breaks the tension and the pace a little. We do love ourselves some backstory but especially for a prologue this feels like too much to dump on the reader all at once. It seems all of this stuff is important for us to know potentially but even then it gets a bit monotonous there to just have a long paragraph on that, especially in the midst of building some tension with that storm from earlier.

But, when Ryun's parents had not shown up when the candle extinguished completely, the flame doused in the hot wax of several hours passing by. Ryun stared at the candle before lightning shocked the window outside, catching Ryun's attention in the corner of his eye. He glanced out the window, waiting still, letting nothing move until another lightning struck. The dim light of the smoldering embers in the fireplace gave him enough light to see just a bit in front of him, but hopefully not enough to show that he was staring outside.

Soon enough, lightning flashed once again, and Ryun saw someone, or multiple someones, moving in the darkness past the house.

This is a nice return to the tense moment here. Once we again see it all starting to build up and that's wonderful. I think without that larger chunk in there this would work quite a bit better, not that it needs to go completely, a few details do heighten the tension but there was one too many details in the earlier bit.

Ryun's heart wanted that to be his parents. His head told him it wasn't.

Ryun sucked in a breath. Something switched in him and he made a decision that would change both his and Railyn's life forever.

Ryun first glanced at the door to the back, then to Railyn. He moved over to Railyn, who smiled at him. Ryun offered a half smile back and, after a moment of consideration, he concocted a plan. "Railyn. How about... I was thinking, how about we go play some hide and seek?" He glanced back to the front window, then back to Railyn. "Let's play in the mines?"

"The mines?" Railyn considered that for a moment. "But that--"

Oooooh well Mr. Narrator popping in there to give us an interesting little not there and quite the sort of 180 there as well in terms of their afternoon plans. Loving the split second decision there, it adds to the excitement quite nicely especially combined with that insight from the narrator.

"I know, I know what I said" Ryun retorted, perhaps a bit too harshly, judging by Railyn's confused and slightly hurt face. Ryun sighed and tried to plaster a smile on his face, "Well, we can't play hide and seek in the rain, we'll get too wet. We don't want our parents to get mad at us getting soaked."

"Well, I am getting bored just sitting here. You don't have any good toys."

"I know, I'm boring like that." Ryun grabbed a fire poker from the fireplace and kneeled down next to Railyn. "So, who's hiding first?"

Hmm this is an interesting little dynamic to introduce there. We already get a good sense of the two being great friends and being all playful and friendly to each other, but this I think is the start of a good bit of differentiation between the two as Ryun potentially being slightly more responsible and protective here.

The abandoned entrance to the old mineshaft was right next to Ryun's house, so the walk in the rain was short, but it was still miserable. Ryun lingered behind Railyn, who managed to jump into every puddle he could find on the way to the entrance, to check behind them to make sure they weren't followed. He had no reason to really think they would be followed, but he had every reason to think they were followed, judging from what he saw from the flashes of lightning. The rain threatened to loosen his grip on the fire poker, but his whitened knuckles refused to let that happened.

Love the contrast there of Ryun being protective and fearful of what they might get into while Railyn is just yeeting himself into all of the puddles available. That extends the contrast quite starkly there and you can see the two different intentions they end up entering this mine with.

They reached the entrance of the mine, and Railyn hopped around, looking back to Ryun. "Hurry up!" he shouted into the storm, but the rain muffled it to a whisper by the time it reached Ryun. He couldn't help but chuckle at Railyn's completely unfounded optimism and ended up jogging to the entrance of the cave. "Okay, okay. You're hiding first, right? Right right?" Railyn said, jittery from the pent up excitement in his bones.

Ryun chuckled. "Let's get inside before we get to the whole 'hide-and-seek'ing thing, all right?"

I've probably said this too many times now but once again this dialogue is doing a lovely job of showcasing to us quite how different the priorities the two have in this moment happen to be.

Railyn nodded and ran inside, practically hopping through the wooden planks that were boarded up against the carved rocky opening. Ryun followed him in, crouching underneath the plank, glancing behind him one last time before he entered the cave entrance. Inside, it was pitch black, with the moonlight that peered over the storm clouds no longer granting them light. Railyn had quickly found a whale oil lantern and lit it with the nearby lighting station, fumbling a little bit from the slickness of the rocks. Ryun followed suit and grabbed another lantern, lighting it. His first thought was that the light of the lanterns might be visible from the outside, with how close they were to the entrance still. He saw on Railyn's face how excited he was to start the game, so he faked a smile and said "let's get a bit further into the mines before we start, so there'll be more areas to hide in." He didn't really have time or the energy to think more on what he said or if it was correct, but Railyn nodded along like it was completely sound advice. He admired Railyn's willingness to go with the flow.

Ryun let Railyn lead the way into the mines. While, usually, he'd be a little more hesitant going deeper into the mines as he knew they were dangerous, it'd be easier to stay hidden that way. While Railyn was looking for some good hiding spots, Ryun's mind was set on finding one of the abandoned mining outposts. While the fireplace poker in his hand was a decent weapon, a pickaxe would serve him better. However, he was set on trying to find an Eternal Flame. If they would be anywhere, they would be in the outposts.

So, lagging a bit behind, Ryun followed Railyn deeper into the mines.

Hmm this part is a little chonky here. The flow is actually great I think and these thoughts work quite well in the context we've got here, its just the paragraphing I think needs a bit of a reshuffle to make this slightly easier to digest as a reader. Right now this feels clunkier than it should.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think we've got a pretty strong moment here of these two almost fleeing to safety but with only of them having any knowledge of what to be fleeing from. It almost heightens the tension even more than if both of them ran from this unnamed force.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Omni! I'm finally finding the time to review and I don't think it's even been five weeks since my last one, go me XD

yeet! getting back into this

Glancing at Railyn, sometimes Ryun wished he held the same naive optimism that Railyn had. Both of them were only child's and grew up in the same struggling village, but, while that fact had aged Ryun before his time, it never seemed to affect Railyn, who just accepted it as it was. Thankfully, Ryun had Railyn as he grew up, and Railyn had Ryun. They had grown up together and were as close as brothers, and sometimes it felt like it was going to be them against the world.

This could work better as a separate paragraph from the first, which was getting slightly long, and it's a little hard to have a sentence stand out to a reader when it's surrounded by seven more. That being said, I like getting to hear more about their relationship! Spreading it out across the chapter would make it come across as less info-dumpy, weaving it in through smaller details instead of all in one place, but this provides me with what I was curious about.

But, when Ryun's parents had not shown ack up when the candle extinguished completely, the flame doused in the hot wax of several hours passing by.

I love the image this has! It's a little confusing to read because of the two "when"s, and I first thought "doused" was in adjective form rather than a past tense verb, making it seem a bit like an incomplete thought/the end of the sentence forgot how the first part was written. No mistake, here, though! It could just possibly be a little more smooth.

Soon enough, lightning flashed once again, and Ryun saw someone, or multiple someones, moving in the darkness past the house.

Ryun's heart wanted that to be his parents. His head told him it wasn't.

Oof this is heavy and I like it. As winter said it's definitely heartbreaking. I'd like to agree with their suggestion that this could use a bit of an explanation as to why he's got that gut feeling, and add myself that this could use a detail about how close the figures are. If they're far away, that could tie into his uncertainty about what exactly is happening, and if they seem quite close, this could be a moment of panic. I got the impression that they were supposed to be far out, otherwise the house would be under attack at that moment, but the description made it seem like they were just in the backyard.

Ryun sucked in a breath. Something switched in him and he made a decision that would change both his and Railyn's life forever.

This part seems a little strange, as this isn't third person omniscient (haha OMNIscient) and characters wouldn't know that kind of effect in the moment. Keeping the thought could work if it was phrased a little more like it was made in retrospect, like "Looking back, that decision had changed..." Otherwise, if staying in the present without any references that this was in the past is what you're going for, it could look like "He wondered if he was taking fate into his hands" or any kind of statement that highlights something's going to happen without giving the impression that he knows what the result will be.

"Railyn. How about... I was thinking, how about we go play some hide and seek?" He glanced back to the front window, then back to Railyn. "Let's play in the mines?"

I really like how Ryun's actually not lying to Railyn here. They are going to play hide and seek, they're just not doing it for the purpose of hiding from each other, they're doing it to hide from the people Ryun can tell are a threat to them. It's a white lie that has a couple layers to it, and it's Ryun's way of getting Railyn to safety in a way that won't scare or confuse a younger child. I think it's quite clever!

"Well, I am getting bored just sitting here. You don't have any good toys."

jeez Railyn I think Ryun was just working on one for you no need to be mean XD

Speaking of the surprise toy, whatever that could have been seems to just have been cast aside when they leave for the mines and I'm still curious about it. Ryun could make a promise to Railyn that he'll finish it when they get back (and that he doesn't get to keep oooooo), or he could look back at it when they leave and think of it as the incomplete something, wondering if he'll ever get back to it if he has an especially bad feeling about this. It was kind of important to the first chapter part so I think it has some potential, or could just use a little bit of closure to the action of creating it!

"Hurry up!" he shouted into the storm, but the rain muffled it to a whisper by the time it reached Ryun. He couldn't help but chuckle at Railyn's completely unfounded optimism and ended up jogging to the entrance of the cave.

Oh no this hurts. Poor Railyn just wants to have fun and Ryun over here is secretly freaking out over how to keep them both safe :')

Ryun let Railyn lead the way into the mines. While, usually, he'd be a little more hesitant going deeper into the mines as he knew they were dangerous, it'd be easier to stay hidden that way. While Railyn was looking for some good hiding spots, Ryun's mind was set on finding one of the abandoned mining outposts. While the fireplace poker in his hand was a decent weapon, a pickaxe would serve him better. However, he was set on trying to find an Eternal Flame. If they would be anywhere, they would be in the outposts.

Worldbuilding aspects and lore! I'm super excited to hear what this Eternal Flame is and why Ryun wants it. This paragraph also does a good job of further highlighting the differences between Ryun and Railyn-- Railyn's here for fun and games (or thinks he is), Ryun's actually quite serious about why they're here.

It's a little awkward to have three sentence in a row that all start with "While", but there's nothing really wrong with it. That's just me being nitpicky XD

~~~

Okay! Great chapter, and I am super excited to read the rest of it. You have a really interesting prologue with a lot of exciting stuff set to happen after this, and I think it's very promising. Awesome job so far, and good luck with LMS! ^^

-silver c:

Heyya Omni! I am back. :]

So just jumping right in, this feels like a very sudden start. I think even including something describing that Ryun sat back down to keep working on the secret would help to transition the scene smoothly from the last upload to this one. I also like that we're getting to see inside Ryun's head a little, but the way that it flows is a bit choppy, so it makes it hard to follow at first. Breaking it up a bit and expanding on some of the concepts-- like the fact that their parents are away, or how long they've been sitting in the dark since they first heard the horns-- would help a lot. I'd also like to hear their thoughts on what the horns mean. I imagine they know what it logically means, but I'd love to see them expressing their emotions about that to each other. They seem close enough to each other that they might mention their nervousness about it to one another, or even a simple line of, "that's weird". When they don't mention it at all though, it makes it feel like that's the norm for them, and that they're used to being at war, which begs the question of why Ryun feels unsettled by it.

You're also using this first paragraph to fill in a lot of lore about Ryun and Railyn-- which is completely fine. But it's in such a rushed way that it feels a little unnatural, especially since it's framed as Ryun's thoughts about Railyn. He refers to wishing he had Railyn's naivety-- but we don't really see Railyn's naivety, so it feels like we're just being told that he's that way.

Moving into the second paragraph, is Railyn not concerned that his parents aren't back? It seems like one of them would've commented on it outloud-- or, if they didn't, there would be an overwhelming sense of dread beginning to envelop them that both would be able to pick up on.

The short quick lines of Ryun wishing it was his parents but knowing it wasn't is heartbreaking. I'd love maybe just a quick explanation on why he knows it isn't? Even just the shapes of their bodies looking different, or him having just a feeling? I also, on the one hand, understand the foreshadowing of a line like, "Something switched in him and he made a decision that would change both his and Railyn's life forever", but at the same time, it feels just slightly cheesy, especially for your style of writing. It feels like it draws away from the panic and uncertainty of the moment, in a way.

Ouch. So Railyn smiling like he has no idea what's wrong really hit home the idea of how completely young it is. So now it makes sense he wasn't really freaking out when the candle went out and his parents weren't home. I'd still love to see Ryun comment on Railyn's obliviousness to that though, as a way of further drilling in how young he is.

So for the transition-- I get wanting an easy cut. But I would love to see how they manage to sneak out of the house without those mysterious figures who were outside seeing them. How do they manage to get to the mines? Also, Ryun's protectiveness of Railyn is really shining through beautifully in this post, and it's wonderful characterization on your part. I'm really able to feel all of those feelings practically radiating off of Ryun's actions.

The rain threatened to loosen his grip on the fire poker, but his whitened knuckles refused to let that happen.

I have literally nothing to say about this except for the fact that I am in love with the description "whitened knuckles" being used as a noun instead of "knuckles turning white" or some variation where whitened is the verb. This way of wording it was so unique and it's really great imagery.

Hmm... Ryun is super panicked that someone is following them and presumably thinks his parents might be dead, but he's chuckling at something Railyn said? This feels a bit out of character? I think even adding that his nervousness and anxiety has built until he couldn't stop himself from chuckling would help to make that more in character and make sense for the situation.

Since they just entered the mines, I would love some sort of description of that feeling of going from rain to being out of the rain. It's usually pretty freezing, and even them shivering a little in the suddenly dry air would add a lot to the moment and ground it, I think.

So for the paragraph where they've just gotten inside, it's feeling a lot like you're telling and not showing. I'd love to see some action verbs that pack a bigger punch; some adverbs would also go nicely in making the paragraph a bit easier to read. I find that when it feels like there's a lot of telling and no showing, it makes it harder to me to pay attention as much, even if I really like what's happening in the story. Making it a little more showy and less tell-y throughout the chapter as a whole would go a long way, I think.

I think a big problem with the flow of this chapter that's been tripping me up is the fact that Ryun is so scared of people following them and mentions it several times, but we never really see evidence as to why he's feeling that way. It feels unjustified. Or even if he was nervous because of past experiences and they really aren't in any danger right now, it doesn't feel like he's really anxious about people following them, which is why lines that mention his worry aren't really ringing true. They're feeling a bit false or exaggerated, like the part of "it'd be easier to stay hidden that way" just doesn't ring true when it doesn't really feel like he's actually all that anxious about needing to stay hidden. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's just something I'm struggling with throughout this chapter.

You're also throwing in some really cool worldbuilding details! I'd love a little expansion on them! What are the abandoned mining outposts? What were they for? Why are they abandoned now? Even just a sentence or brief descriptor of why they're described that way would help solidify it as a piece of lore in my mind and bring it down to earth. You also haven't established how he would have any experience with a pickaxe (if he doesn't have any, how would that be better for him?) or what an Eternal Flame is. Maybe that's meant to build up the suspense and keep it a secret, but without the other lore being expanded on, it kind of feels like you expect us to guess at what it is. I think if you expanded on the other lore details you include, like the mines and the abandoned mining outposts, then the Eternal Flame bit would feel more like it was a purposeful type of suspense.

For that final sentence, I very much love it. I would love if before it, there were some sort of dialogue line from Railyn? Something that reminds the reader of how innocent he is and how much of a little kid he is. It could be something super random about the game of hide and seek, or maybe even that he's just skipping through the tunnels singing to himself and his voice is echoing off the walls. Something to bring the reader back to earth with Railyn, before circling to the last sentence about Ryun being pulled out of his thoughts (much in the same way as the reader >.>) by Railyn, and following him deeper into the mines.

I have absolutely no idea if any of this feedback is helpful at all for you, so please let me know if you feel like it is or if you're like "hmm... nah, not feeling it." I'm more than happy to try to gear my feedback towards a different style if you'd prefer to hear about other things. This chapter definitely moved the plot forward and I can feel that we're reaching the big turning point that's going to kick off the story! I'm very excited for it, and only now just realized that I'm going to have to wait several days for the next upload :'] which I do not want to do because now I'm on pins and needles lol. Oh well-- the benefit and drawback of an LMS work. XD Again, just to reiterate, this was very good, so I do hope that you're not pushing yourself too hard on this. I could kind of feel through your writing the type of headspace you were in when writing it. Just remember to be kind to yourself! <3

I have no idea how to end this,

~Winter