Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


LMS VI: Silver and Silk 0.4

by Omni


After the countdown, Ryun began the trek down one side of the mine system. It didn't take him long to figure out where Railyn might have been, as he saw the warm glow of Railyn's lantern down a much narrower tunnel that branched off from the outpost. While it really was not fair for hide and seek to have a lantern telling the other person where you were at almost right away, it was far better than having to try and find someone in complete darkness. The danger of walking around in the dark in a slippery, uneven, small, cramped cave to try and hide in the smallest of spots was too high. Ryun really did not want to get stuck in the cave and not be found ever again.

On the plus side, it saved Ryun from having to try and find Railyn when that was pretty clearly not what he wanted to do. He felt bad for leading Railyn on and lying to him. Railyn didn't see what Ryun saw, and he didn't really think Railyn would even know what to do with the info if he did.

Thankfully, if he could help it, he would not have to tell Railyn anything, and he would find another way out of the mines and then... and then what?

Ryun didn't want to think about that. He didn't have time to think about that.

Scrambling with one hand, Ryun fidgeted with his belt and fished out the map. He was on the right track as he took a left on a path that split into two. His small fingers struggled to get the map back under control after it was out of the bounds of his belt. He almost slipped and lost his balance on what was most likely uneven ground. He wouldn't know, because his attention and light was focused on the map. Frustrated, Railyn ripped the part he needed off the map and tossed the rest to the side.

The lantern shone through the thin leather of the map faintly, just enough for Ryun to see the blotched outline of the trail he was following. Taking it as fast as he could without falling and dying, he made his way slowly through mines. The lantern's light shone on the walls, showing the jagged walls widening out before narrowing one more, and it became sharper and harder to cross as he got further into where the map ended.

Eventually, finally, he reached where the map stopped. His hopes for some kind of exit were crushed. Just like the inky lines on the map, the rock walls connected into a dead end. What the map didn't say, however, was the assortment of color lines on the wall. Ryun raised the lantern, squinting slightly at the intense warm light shining directly into his eyes. Once they adjusted though, Ryun gaped at the wall in awe. Striking blue lines and symbols, lit up by the light of his lantern more fiercely than the stone. Something about the lines were alluring, like it drew Ryun in, inviting him to stare at them and touch them. What were these drawings?

His free hand hovered over the intricate cool colorings. So close...

A hollow scream shattered his intense focus, echoing between the jagged rocks and into his ears. He knew that voice anywhere. Railyn.

┗━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━┛

Ryun cared little about his safety or comfort as he stumbled against rocks and slipped through water. In his search for an exit, he let himself forget that he took them into the mines to keep them safe. Why would he let Railyn go off on his own? The younger boy was a source of noise, just a huge alarm bell that begs anyone and everyone around him to pay attention to him. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The rocks looked too similar and completely different, so he couldn't get his bearings on where he was. He didn't need to, as long as Railyn had his lantern still, and it was in a position where Ryun could see it.

Oh, this was hopeless. Whoever they were running from had found Railyn and Railyn was gone, taken from him. He had just lsoe his best friend, his only friend, and the only one who really knew him and accepted him for who he was. His chest heaved with the pain of running as fast as he was and the idea that he just lost someone.

Light. Light! Light from something other than Ryun's lantern. That meant Railyn! Ryun didn't let himself slow as he got closer. The light painted the slick sides of the cave a deep purple. Ryun rounded the corner and stopped in his tracks. His eyes settled on Railyn first, and he sighed, letting out a shaky and nervous laugh. He sides hurt and his chest was sore as his heart complained from the pain he was in. Railyn wasn't looking at him, and, after a moment of catching his breath and collecting his thoughts, Ryun's focused on the rest of the cavern.

It was a circular room, with walls that had no jagged edges. They were perfectly smooth, but what really was the attention seeker in the room was the bright blue sphere settled on a white stone pedestal. Unlike the lines on the other end of the mine system, this sphere didn't need a lantern to show off its color; it was a pure and intense light of its own, and Ryun's and Railyn's lanterns could barely compete with their warm lights. Unlike the flickering of the flames Ryun was used to, the light of the sphere flowed in and out in different, and it reminded Ryun of the sloshing waves that rocked into the boathouse by the docks. The water created fancy images on the ceiling of the boathouse, and when Ryun was younger, he would lay down on the wooden floor, watching the top of the boathouse and imagining fancy stories from the ever-moving pictures the waves created while his mother busied herself with work.

For a moment, Ryun was entranced by this light sphere and he could hear the crashing of the waves against the rocky cliffs beneath his home, like a whisper begging him to come back home.

Movement snapped him out of his trance. Railyn was similarly transfixed by the sphere as he reached his hand out to it. The sensible part of Ryun's brain, or perhaps the more mature part, or the overly cautious part, whatever it was, screamed at Ryun to not touch this orb of water and light. He wanted nothing more than to tell Railyn the same, but it was too late. Railyn was already too close for any warning to be of use. Instinctively, Ryun shouted "No!" and reached out to pull Railyn away. He touched Railyn's shoulder at the exact same moment Railyn made contact with orb.

In that single instance, the orb swallowed the both of them whole with intense, burning light. It seared Ryun's insides and singed his mind. In that moment, he saw nothing but blinding whiteness, and he couldn't tell if he was still holding onto Railyn or if he was holding onto anything at all. He couldn't tell where his arm was, or where he planted his feet, if he planted them at all anymore. 

Week 4 Wordcount : 1223

┗━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━┛

Ryun was the first of the two to awake. His body jolted, and freezing water splashed around his hips. He opened his eyes, not really knowing what he was expecting, but definitely not what he saw. The circular and pristine cavern they were in moments earlier was now falling apart. The orb had splintered apart, and fragments of it, now dull, were imbedded into the walls. Water was filling the cavern quickly from the multiple cracks in the walls. One lantern was still flickering light, half sunk in the water, and the other was nowhere to be found.

The water gushed through cracks on the cavern at a much faster rate now, and the cold wetness had reached the middle of his stomach at this point. He struggled to his feet through the water, his eyes scanning the water, struggling against the dim light. Railyn was on the other side of the room, still completely knocked out. Thankfully, his head was still above the water level. Ryun sloshed through the water and grabbed him on both shoulders.

Sharp, searing pain radiated from his right palm the moment he touched Railyn, and he hissed at it. Glancing at his palm, it was a different color than his skin, darker. He had burnt it somehow. He would have to worry about that later. He hooked his arms under Railyn's armpits and pulled him up that way. "Come on, wake up." He whispered coarsely. Railyn did not respond. His mind was thinking other, darker thoughts, but he didn't have the nerve to speak them out loud.

He focused his attention on getting them out. He desperately wanted the still somewhat lit lantern bobbing in front of his feet. It was either carry Railyn or carry the light. The lantern swished in front of him, dancing and taunting him. He groaned at it but focused his attention now on finding a way out. He visibly deflated as his eyes settled on what used to be the entrance that he had come from, now covered by fallen stone. How were they going to get out now?

The cavern around them answered his question as the floor gave out. Ryun, still holding onto Railyn, dropped into darkness with nothing but the sound of rushing water to keep him company.

┗━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━┛

Week 5 Wordcount: 383 

AN: Thank you for reading this latest chapter part! It's cut into two sections, as the final part was written at the beginning of the new LMS week. Apologies if this gets confusing! As a final warning, the next chapter part will either be the last PG one of the prologue or the first 18+ part. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 4470
Reviews: 33

Donate
Wed Oct 05, 2022 11:03 pm
View Likes
winterwolf0100 wrote a review...



Heyyyy omnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom!

I'm back again with another review, so let's just get right into it! (But before we do, please make sure to smash that like button and click that subscribe and notification bell, that way you can always know what's going on as soon as we post it.)

The idea that Railyn ran to hide and it's immediately obvious from the light is both extremely funny and also slightly relieving. Because as we discussed previously, WHY DID RYUN LET HIM RUN OFF LIKE THAT. Flow-wise, the first paragraph doesn't feel like it quite launches me into the chapter. In a way, yes, we're picking back up where we left off, but also, since I didn't immediately go from that post into this post, it makes my adhd go ahhhhhhhhh trying to get my mind into everything.

While it really was not fair for hide and seek to have a lantern telling the other person where you were at almost right away, it was far better than having to try and find someone in complete darkness.


YOU'RE ALSO RUNNING FROM PEOPLE RYUN. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE THE BABY RIGHT NOW. AHHHHH.

*deep breath* okay continuing on.

On the plus side, it saved Ryun from having to try and find Railyn when that was pretty clearly not what he wanted to do.


On the plus side, versus... what? All you've listed at positive aspects of Railyn having the light (which I 100% agree with, getting lost in a cave is not on my bucket list strangely enough), but that also means that this lead-in into the paragraph doesn't really make sense, especially since the plus side that you give is basically what you said in the previous paragraph.

he didn't really think Railyn would even know what to do with the info if he did.


Yes, Railyn is baby. He would have absolutely no idea what to do with that information. This also brings into question again why Ryun even agreed to play hide and seek in the first placeeeeeee, but that's something that I'm assuming might be explained later on when they're older and they inevitably have a confrontation about Ryun hiding the information from Railyn.

Ryun didn't want to think about that. He didn't have time to think about that.


Absolutely LOVE these lines. They set up so much characterization and are really filled with a lot of emotion.

His small fingers struggled to get the map back under control after it was out of the bounds of his belt.


This line made me realize I don't really remember Ryun's age in relation to Railyn. I love the bit about his small fingers struggling with the big map, and I'd love a few more details like that sprinkled throughout. It reminded me that Ryun is also young. At the same time, since there haven't been many details like that, it did pull me out of the story a bit, but I think that's a good thing because we need to be reminded of Ryun's age.

AH RYUN DON'T SLIP YOU'LL FALL WHO KNOWS WHERE AND DIE. (Would love some small details about him nearly slipping making a noise, like a few rocks falling and seeming to never end their fall to show how big the fall would've been, or the sound echoing.)

Taking it as fast as he could without falling and dying,


This-- this is the peak of comedy. Very Rick Riordan-esque, much loving.

Dang, how long did Ryun count? Railyn was able to go really far away XD

A hollow scream shattered his intense focus, echoing between the jagged rocks and into his ears. He knew that voice anywhere. Railyn.


AH NO MY BABY. RAILYNNNNN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Why would he let Railyn go off on his own?


Ah there it is. :'] Also, him describing how much noise Railyn makes killed me.

He had just lsoe his best friend,


Ah yes. I hate when I lsoe my best friend :[ (just kidding lol, I know this was written in a rush XD)

the only one who really knew him and accepted him for who he was.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he a bit young to be thinking of relationships in terms of acceptance? That's generally something that starts around the teenage years.

Light. Light! Light from something other than Ryun's lantern.


Love this repetition. I really love that none of the punctuation is repeated so it sounds different in my head every time.

Ooohhhhhh something big is happeningggggggggggg. *screams* Love all of the description of the orb of light, it all flows really well and makes me very excited.

Instinctively, Ryun shouted "No!" and reached out to pull Railyn away. He touched Railyn's shoulder at the exact same moment Railyn made contact with orb.


AH!!!! Screaming internally right now because I am in the library. This does bring up the question of why did Railyn scream originally? I'm sure you'll address that further down but leaving the question here anyway.

Love all of the imagery of what happened after the orb was broken. I especially love that shards of it are impaled in the walls. So cool.

at a much faster rate now, ... at this point.


I know you're an amazing imagery author which is the only reason I'm being this nitpicky, but I feel like you could figure out another way to say these things that feel like they ground you more in the moment.

He whispered coarsely.


I may be completely wrong and just not have vocabulary, but did you mean hoarsely here? (Okay I looked it up and this is a valid word, which I was just unaware of. Leaving this in here anyway just in case it sparks any thoughts)

The lantern swished in front of him, dancing and taunting him.


This imagery is PHENOMENAL. I have nothing else to say about it.

OMG FLOOR DROP. That would be so terrifying. Okayyyyy so this chapter was eventful and fun! I love itttt, amazing job! Also interested in seeing how the next few chapters are going to switch to 18+ after this, that'll definitely be intriguing to see. Overall this was a very fun chapter to read! All the characterization felt on-point with what we've seen so far and there really weren't that many questions I had about anything, other than Railyn screaming, which felt a bit plot-convenient since you didn't exactly address why Railyn screamed. Other than that though, I really can't point to anything for this! Amazing job! I will wait until you post for this week to read what I know you wrote early Monday morning, but I am extremely curious and excited to see where this goes! Great job as always Omni. :]

~Winter




User avatar
85 Reviews


Points: 14
Reviews: 85

Donate
Tue Oct 04, 2022 5:41 pm
View Likes
Anamel wrote a review...



I noticed a pattern of lengthy sentences and telling, not showing. You have a capability to describe surroundings so that the reader understands what is happening. Each next step the character takes is adequately explained so that there's no sudden time skips. Despite the amount of explaining, I feel like some of that immersion is lacking. I think you could really dive headfirst into bodily sensations and their fear once that water is an element. Make the reader feel claustrophobic too. Describe their lungs burning, or Ryun beginning to have a wet, scraping/raspy cough. I'd assume his legs must ache pretty bad too, after all of that walking and holding Railyn up. With the added body weight of another person on him, his body probably wants to give out.

The first paragraph of this chapter only contains longer sentences. I think having some variation and including a shorter sentence or just breaking up one of the longer sentences would keep a reader's attention.

"While it really was not fair for hide and seek to have a lantern telling the other person where you were at almost right away, it was far better than having to try and find someone in complete darkness."
Some of these words aren't necessary to the sentence. Splitting this sentence into two makes it easier to digest. Ex: It wasn't very fair in hide and seek to have a lantern giving away where you are right away. Even so, it was far better than having to try and find someone in complete darkness.

" He almost slipped and lost his balance on what was most likely uneven ground. He wouldn't know, because his attention and light was focused on the map."
The reader knows already he is focused on the map, and didn't bother to tear his eyes away from it for even a second to figure out what he stumbled on. I don't think you really need to include the part about where his attention is at since we can already assume that.

"The lantern shone through the thin leather of the map faintly, just enough for Ryun to see the blotched outline of the trail he was following. Taking it as fast as he could without falling and dying, he made his way slowly through mines. The lantern's light shone on the walls, showing the jagged walls widening out before narrowing one more, and it became sharper and harder to cross as he got further into where the map ended."
You describe the lantern with the word 'shone' twice. If you want, you could describe the map's material as sheer or see through and not include the part about the lamp. As for the third sentence, you could describe the lantern as casting shadows on the jagged walls.

" He had just lsoe his best friend, his only friend, and the only one who really knew him and accepted him for who he was."
*lost

"He sides hurt and his chest was sore as his heart complained from the pain he was in."
These are rudimentary descriptions that don't make the reader fully understand what type of pain he's in. Try to amp it up a bit while keeping the sentence short. Ex:

His heart had just ran a marathon, and inches before the finish line, it begged to give out. Rest was not an option for his aching body, but he feared what could happen if he pushed any harder.

I really think the biggest critique here is the pacing and length of the sentences. As I was reading, I felt like I was beginning to scan each sentence just because of its length. Although everything was described well, I feel like it didn't go further than just telling us what they felt, not giving us a window into what they felt. Anyways, I hope by the next chapter you'll let them out because they seem really in for it lol





No one achieves anything alone.
— Leslie Knope

The puzzle has been solved, but you can give it a try too!
Head to the chatroom for your first clue