No child should be stuck between two divorced parents, especially wealthy parents. Perhaps if they had been poor, they might have been humble enough to stay together for their son’s sake. Little Jake had been pampered, even smothered, with material possessions. Any other boy might have been delighted to receive the spoils of his parents competing for favour. They might have seen the playroom as a world of magic and a haven from reality, but not little Jake.
Jake had been the one boy who didn’t dream, but it was by no fault of his own. Through the errors of others, Jake’s identity had been shaped. Adversity had moulded him into a man who dismissed his own desires and tossed them along the wayside.
Careful not to jostle anything, I walked through the room, afraid that by simply bumping something, I might releasing a well of memories from little Jake’s lonely childhood. Why had I even come? The abandoned mansion had somehow entreated me to enter, but why had I consented? Treading through the playroom was difficult. I felt as uneasy about touching things here as I did about walking over a grave. Yet I had still come.
Jake’s parents had both died during the past year. The first had left this world dying of breast cancer, and the second passed away in a car accident. Words had failed me and my action betrayed them since I had not even shown up at their funerals. Entering the threshold of this abandoned wishing well I once called home seemed the only way I could properly pay homage to them. It was time to free myself of the burden and grudge I had carried throughout the decades. I grabbed the picture from off the shelf and pulled the picture from its frame. I looked at it once again before slipping it into my pocket. Little Jake had loved his parents, why would big Jake feel any different? And so I backed away from the ruins of my childhood, walking fast, and feeling the undeniable and satisfying impetus of so many journeys pushing me on.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
WAIT I GET IT. The bolded parts are snippets from this poem, yes? In that case, KEEP THE BOLD. That's an awesome idea.
Moving on, I do like how this is going. But is this the ending? If so, then I am disappointed! What happened to Jake? You tell us what happened to his parents, but I don't care about them because they abandoned their son and hardly paid attention to the poor child, while giving him toys and anything else he wanted in the hopes that that would make up for their absence. Ha. I won't miss them. <_<
Let's talk about this man. You say that this is an abandoned house, yet he goes in and pockets a picture of Jake? And then he says that he's paying homage and oh my now we see that he's Jake all grown up! Now that's a big shocker, but it wasn't as good as it should've been. Where's the emotion? The insight? I want to see more of big Jake, how he feels about his past, how he feels being back in his old house and being assaulted by memories. Show us more. Seeing more would make this so much better.
Overall, I found this to be a nicely told story with a surprising ending. I honestly should've guessed that the man was Jake but I didn't because you didn't give it away and that's good. This was nicely told and nicely written, so thank you for sharing and I enjoyed it very much. ^^
I was under a time limit, so I kinda rushed it towards teh end, but thanks again!
Again with those bolded words. They're distracting. Consider altering your tactic. I've never read the story this is based off of, but if that story has bolded words too, I imagine it's just as hard to read. I almost skipped over that fantastic line, "Through the errors of others, Jake's identity has been shaped." That's a killer line! And I almost missed it because there were bolded words shouting at me like car insurance adverts. Perhaps I'll change my mind when I know what your intention is, but for now, I say they are jarring and distracting from this great story you're weaving for me.
Okay, the whole spoiled kid with dead parents thing is a little played out. Make me care about Jake. What makes your character different from every other fictional child ruined by their rich parents' mistakes? Why should I care whether Jake is sifting through his old memories? Again, I need a little more from you. You've got the basic ingredients, now go crazy with some sauces and spices.
A question: why does Jake "dismiss his own desires"? If he was spoiled as a child, wouldn't that make him more sensitive to his desires, rather than less?
Keep up the good work, but I want to see more, in general. I like how the narrator ended up being Jake and you didn't make a huge fuss about it. Very smooth, I like that.
Thanks. I knew this piece had holes in it when I was writing, but I wasn't sure how to fill them. This sure helps.