Jake’s room was filled with the newest and grandest toys. He had everything and had no need for wanting. There were child size trucks and cars run by a fancy, noiseless motors. An eight foot basketball net stood erected on the far wall next to a hockey net. Gadgets were everywhere, the newest that could be found and the best brand, too. Action figures and books half read lined the shelves. The room was designer perfect; even a grown man might not mind living there. There was nothing little Jake lacked. Yet I disagree.
Walking through his room was like passing through a museum for broken dreams and crushed beginnings. It breathed a restless echo of aching unconsciousness. I stooped to pick up a picture of Jake and blew off a layer of dust. His lips formed into a slanted crescent, soft and full of life. He had the most intense, electric blue eyes I had ever seen. They were so full of life that I couldn’t help myself from starring. Beside him stood to figures, each with a smile, though I daresay they did not look near as captivating as their son. They didn’t even look alike. That had been the only treasure of the entire room. It had been the last picture taken before Jake’s parents signed the divorce papers.
I set the picture face down on the nearest shelf.
Looking up, I glanced at the room again, breathing in the rank smell of long settled dust and sickness. The toys were antiques now, but I saw nothing more than bottles, tins, paper, and plastic. Debris cluttered the floor, discarded and unwanted. I couldn’t help but notice that very little of the room had been touched. It was as undisturbed as a cemetery in a ghost town; or as unused as a wishing well in the dead of winter.
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Canary word: Present
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Wow. For something so short, this packs a lot of punch!
First off, I am going to assume that the narrator is an observer, someone who doesn't tie into Jake's story directly; someone looking to buy this house? Maybe? I do think that that would be an accurate assumption xD I could be wrong, though.
Moving on, I liked how short this was, yet it contained a lot of imagery. There were a lot of sensory details in three short paragraphs, so that's good! You brought this house to life and helped me envision his bedroom, the pictures, his toys, everything that made Jake who he was and where he lived.
I found the randomly bolded words to be a bit odd. I know you're trying to put emphasis on them, but maybe find a different way? I dunno, I don't like them bolded. It's a bit distracting.
Overall, this is off to a good start~ Ends rather abruptly, but nonetheless, read on I shall.
Haha, thanks. The bolded words are direct quotes from the poem I based this off of.
I'd like to go ahead and rant about how amazing this is, but I have a few grammar and punctuation things to deal with first.
First: "I stooped to pick up a picture of Jake and blew off a layer of dust. His lips formed into a slanted crescent, soft and full of life. He had the most intense, electric blue eyes I had ever seen. They were so full of life that I couldn’t help myself from starring."
You say "full of life twice". Maybe you could use another adjective?
Second: "They were so full of life that I couldn’t help myself from starring."
"Starring" is spelled "staring", if you mean like, "I was STARING at him as he opened his gift".
Other than that, nothing else. Anyway, I just wanted to say that this is really good! I love the way you blur the whole past/present thing, and it makes it so much more interesting. I now will have to keep reading, because you (you evil, evil person) have totally hooked me.
Curiosity(killed the)Cat
Thanks, I appreciate it.
and yeah, I really should have proofread this before posting...
No biggie.
Honestly, did you know I mistook "it's" for "its" in my latest piece? Not once, but TWICE! Talk about not proofreading!!
Okay, this is interesting.
Way to hook the reader with the first sentence. I've always struggled with openings so I applaud you for that.
But I don't feel like I know Jake or the narrator well at all. The idea of the room full of cool things seems very cold to me, which tells me a lot about Jake's childhood, but I'm confused about the narrator. Who are they? Why are they in Jake's room? There's enough to keep me reading through this one part, but not enough to make me care about what happened or will happen to Jake. You need to set more of a foundation of who Jake is to keep your readers coming back.
The bolded words are weird but I have a feeling that's a writer-y decision you're making so I'll withhold my criticism until I read the next parts of your saga.
Good job, but keep writing. I need more information, more details on Jake if you want me to read the next couple of sections. I like the descriptions of the half-read books, but I think it's a little overdone. I've read a lot of books with rooms like this, so what makes this room so special other than a picture? Overall good job, just need a little more.
Well that's good to hear, I thought the opening was rather bland... I wrote all this under a time limit, so you're right in saying that I'm missing things, character development definitely been one of those.
the bold words/phrases are directly copied from the poem I based my story off of.
Thanks for withholding criticism