Upon a healthy, dream-like meadow,
The moon cast rays of silver splendor.
There sat a girl and a youthful fellow,
And shared an apple, half red half yellow.
***
The boy spoke softly, yet with strength,
That all worlds wounds he would amend.
He won't lie, He won't pretend.
If only she would take his hand.
***
The girl smiled and flicked her hair,
As if it was, a type of dare.
"So all my troubles you would bear?",
The two were perfect young and rare.
***
But in the night that long was sleeping,
There were eyes and they were creeping.
Red with hatred they were bleeding,
There was a demon who needed feeding.
***
A malicious serpent, masked in the tree,
And as it often, tends to be.
Those in darkness, detest those free,
And scheme to turn they joy to agony.
***
It slithered downwards, and then start,
To move across the meadow, part by part.
And before the boy could even act,
It jumped and bit and ate his heart.
***
The serpent laughed and fled the scene,
"This must be a dreadful dream!"
The girl let out a shrieking scream,
The grass was red, a crimson stream.
***
And now the meadow, remains tainted,
Those who meet at night are hated.
For the art that girl had painted.
Even the moon can barely stare at.
***
The girl took a heart shaped stone,
And forced it in, instead her own.
And as she fell, towards him alone,
"Mine was always, way too warm".
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
xJ to the rescue!
Hello ObserverxD.
Firstly, I loved this poem because It had a nice flow. It was very cute! The only thing I'd like to comment on is: "It slithered downwards, and then start," It might be just me, but "and then start" is grammatically incorrect. I'm not sure what you were trying to say with this part, but I'm just noting that It's wrong.
Overall, very sweet poem and I enjoyed it. Continued to write in the future and I'll be following you to see more of your work.
May all your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ
Hi! Hermione here for a review! This was an excellent poem. I especially loved your line about the boy saying that "all worlds wounds he would amend." It rolled right off the tongue because of the alliteration, and it was relatable because that's how girls often look at boys they love. Like they have the power to fix everything. This whole poem reminded me a lot of Romeo and Juliet. There were a few little mistakes.
I loved this line, but the word worlds should have an apostrophe after the d because it's possessive.
There should be a comma after the word perfect because you're listing several adjectives in a row. Plus, you just naturally pause when you get to that word.
No problem here. I just wanted to tell you that I LOVED this stanza. It reminded me a bit of the serpent from the garden of Eden. Good job with this part! It was excellent imagery.
Personally, I think you could have done without the comma after the word meadow. Without that pause there it seemed to flow better with the lines after it. That's just how I read it though. Anyways, great job with this poem! Keep writing!
Thanks for the review. I'll definitely take your opinion in consideration. As for the punctuation and grammar issues, I really appreciate when people point those out as English isn't my first language and those remarks help me in more ways than one. Anyways thank you again. Cheers^^
I loved this ^-^ This poem deserves a proper review, but one to be done at a later date. I should really be going to bed... -sigh-
Hi! AMDDOG here for a review!
First of all can I just say... WOW!
That was amazing, fantastic, flabbergasting... is that even a word? its just that amazing! It is a really beautiful poem. And the amount of imagery you used! No words just no words. As for a name why not "Those Who Meet At Night" Or something like that. I love how you described everything. How long did it take you to write this? If it took you a few minutes then you should become a professional. If a few days, why not! I good time consuming project is just what a young mind needs! It is sort of like the story of Romeo and Juliet. Forbidden love, secret meetings, then at the end... suicide. Well even ending with a bit of a sour note it was still a wonderful poem!
Keep up the good work!
~AMDDOG
Thanks, I really appreciate it^^ Although I'm not sure if it's really worth such praise:) As for how long it took me to write it, I'm not sure ,I wrote it a couple of years ago( got a lot of content just too lazy to review for points). Anyways, I like your title idea more so thanks for that too. Cheers^^
No problem!