Thunder hear me toss and turning
Wrought from fire passion burning
Unrequited: heart still learning
When to quit and just give in
--
Floorboards creaking tears are falling
Branches break and leaf blades bawling
Shattered spirit: bleeding crawling
Making it’s way back to you
--
Through the wind and through the thunder
Through this hell my soul does wander
Through the wrath just to discover:
You eloped to someone new
--
Stomach turning hairs araising:
Tempers flaring eyes ablazing:
Thunder blinding so amazing:
Pure rage nourishes my soul
--
Anger peaking storm subsiding
My heart breaks to see you crying
Love turned hate now no denying:
Mending my heart I broke hers
--
Thunder hear her toss and turning
Hear her shouts and hear her yearning
For peace, she is most deserving
Let her love and love freely
--
With this plea my soul departs
My very being split into parts
The negative lies in the storm
But in her heart the rest stays warm.
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140,539 Literary Works • 673,409 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here!
I really liked this poem! The flow was consistent, it had a nice rhythm to it, and you used lots of imagery. That being said, I did find a couple of things that could use improvement.
There were a couple of places where the wrong word was used:
"Branches break and leave blades bawling"
"leave" should be "leaf". You pluralized "blades", so you don't have to have the plural form of leaf.
"Though this hell my soul does wander"
"though" should be "through"
My suggestion on how to prevent this in the future is to make sure you proofread, leave it alone for a few minutes, then go back and proofread again. You might find something the second time that you missed at first.
I've noticed that you used very little punctuation here, and it's a bit inconsistent. In some stanzas, you have absolutely no punctuation, and in others, there is some. If you decide to put punctuation in your poem, it should be consistent. Inconsistencies in punctuation can mess with the flow of your whole piece. I've seen lots of poets ignore punctuation, but in my opinion, the strategic placement of it can tell a reader so many things (if that makes any sense.)
I see that other reviewers have already mentioned the other thing I was going to address, so I won't really dwell on it too much. I will say though, that some stanzas were a bit awkward to read and I had to read it more than once for my brain to process the information. I would suggest trying to phrase your lines in a way that's poetic, fits the flow, and is still able to be understood. However, I don't like for writers to spoon-feed their readers, so I wouldn't "dumb it down" too much. It's more of a phrasing issue than a content issue. The poem is great, it's just a little confusing at times due to its phrasing.
That's all I have for you. You're very talented and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hey there! Welcome to YWS.
(If you ever need help with anything, don't hesitate to drop me a PM.)
So, you've really got a knack for meter. My standards are quite high when it comes to the "rhythm" of a piece, and you nailed it. The pattern is pleasing to read and easy to follow, and it has a nice little beat to it. Very nice job with that.
However, I think there were a few instances where you really kind of stretched to meet the rhyming pattern. For example:
The words "araising" and "ablazing" seem very awkward to me. I understand you wanted to fit with "amazing", but those words just don't quite work. They seem very clumsy to me. I would consider rewriting this as:
It's up to you, of course. If you like the way you wrote it, by all means keep it that way. Creative license is yours
That being said, you did capture the feeling of anger very well in that stanza, and as a whole, you seriously did an amazing job of conveying the intense emotions associated with unrequited love. Major props to you, as that is a very nuanced and complex feeling.
A few other nitpicks include this line:
The second half of this line - the "leave blades bawling" bit - just doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe that's incompetence on my end, but it might be worth revising all the same. (It's worth mentioning, though, that the rest of the imagery in that stanza is fantastic.)
The stanza I picked on earlier - the fourth one - has way too many colons in my opinion. Try playing around with other forms of punctuation; all the colons make this stanza far too choppy.
Overall, this poem is quite good. You certainly have a lot of potential. I will admit I had a bit of trouble deciphering the meaning of this piece, though - had it not been for the description, I can't say I'd have gotten the point of it. I think you took this in a lot of directions, as the narrator went from feeling intense sadness to intense anger to forgiveness over the course of just seven relatively short stanzas. I think you probably had a very clear image in your mind when you wrote this, but I'm not sure how effectively it translates to the reader. Maybe in the future try focusing on just one emotion and really dive deep into it, explore its nuances and various manifestations, and then see where that takes you.
Don't let all my nitpicks and (sometimes condescending) advice discourage you - this poem really was great. Rhyming poetry with good meter is always a delight to read, and takes a lot of mastery to perfect - but you're well on your way. Keep writing!
I hope this helped. Like I said, if you have any questions whatsoever, feel free to drop me a line.
Blessings,
Glauke
Hey cuz,
So I liked this poem for what it was, and the imagery made me love it really more. Though I feel this review may be a bit repetitive to the other as I also had to go back around the beginning and start again the phrasing through out was a bit off on some parts. Other than that I saw no real grammatical mistakes and I throughly enjoyed reading it! So keep on writing and I can't wait to read the next one.
~g1ldv
Hello, Tulip here to give you a review on your poem. It was an interesting poem, and the only thing I have to say is that the language was different in the way it was used and confused me in parts at first.
Most of the lines are harder to read, at first, making the reader have to read it over a few times. I think most of it was how you had your phrasing. It isn't a bad thing but it does tend to be a distraction at first. After the first few lines, it is easier to read.
It does contain a lot of good imagery and that is good. You can really see what you have written and that is something that I liked a lot.
But I have class so I am going have to cut this review short!
But it is a good poem!
~~Tulip~~
Hey!
I really liked this poem but I do have a few things to say:
~Try adding punctuation to the poem. This will help it flow better and look better.
~Try reading it out loud and fixing the confusing sentences and adding commas. There were a couple lines that I found a tad confusing.
~You don't need to capitalize every line. It actually kind of confuses me when I read.
~I was a bit confused. I think you could have explained it better. I don't know what is happening. You're describing a person as a storm?
Sorry this is so short,
Alice ♥