You were supposed to remove the shackles from my heart,
But You tightened them so I bled.
You unravelled me, comforted me,
And proceeded to tear at the very fabric of my being
--
Before You, I was a broken man
Flowing down a stream of insecurities,
Drowning in my own timidity.
--
And then I met You.
--
You built me up from the ruins of past aches.
You promised we’d fly away together.
But You clipped my wings,
And left me behind to watch-
Heartbroken. And alone.
--
You said we weren’t compatible.
But You knew me well enough
To hurt me where it hurts the most.
To strike where I am the most vulnerable.
--
Where You can leave a scar to remember You by.
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140,544 Literary Works • 673,415 Reviews
Hello! I'm here representing Team Potter on review day!
Let's begin, shall we?
The first thing that jumped out at me was that you bolded every "you." I don't think that that is necessary. It is distracting from the more figurative language that you use within the poem, and doesn't really do much for it at all. I would unbold your you's before you do anything else with the poem.
To be honest, and my intentions are good, I think that this poem is a bit self-centered and whiny. It doesn't really illustrate anything about the other person, just that they ended a relationship with the narrator. The narrator doesn't really seem to have been wronged in any way, just sad and aching over this other person wanting to leave and live their life. It talks about the relationship, but doesn't illustrate anything about either character except for the unreasonable demands that the narrator placed upon the other person. Another person can't be the sole support for someone else. They can't just fix things. And when someone starts thinking that someone else has fixed them, they become overdependent and demand more. That person isn't a god or a goddess that can snap their fingers and make everything better. They're just human, and have human desires.
I suggest focusing on the actual, concrete things that the other person did to the narrator. While they made promises, as a reader, I know that promises are broken for good reason sometimes. I wonder if the narrator had a hand in driving the other person away?
Focus on the people, not the relationship. You'll get more effectiveness out of the poem that way. I hope that you find this review useful to you! Happy writing, and happy review day!
Good morning/afternoon/evening! So I was pretty intrigued by this poem as it brought up a lot of emotions that I'm way too familiar with. I loved the way that your formatted it especially with all of the you's in bold as it really captured my attention. Now on to the main review, the first thing that I noticed was in the 1st stanza line 5 as it felt a bit out of place and got me stuck for a bit. If you phrased it in a way that allows for a smoother transition I feel that it would help set the tone for the rest of the poem. For the rest of the poem I couldn't find anything else that stuck me as affecting your poem so keep up the good work!
Thanks! I actually decided to delete it. It does make the poem's meter a lot smoother, so thanks for the suggestion!
No problem glad I could help!
we have all felt this heartbreak at one point or another most poet will write something like this. you use great word choice and i like how u defined the word you.the sorrow and anger you felt for this person was put into words and spread across this sheet for which i read from.keep up the good work.but i do think u could have added some more but it awesome as is .