I walked back to the main camp and found Rosabella and Sage sitting on a blanket. They were facing away from me and they had their arms around each other. I took a deep breath and walked up to Sage.
"Hey," I said. Sage and Rosabella turned towards me, Rosabella glaring daggers at me. I gulped and composed myself.
"Is there any extra clothes so I don't have to hang around in these rags?" Sage nodded and pointed to the blue tent on the right, closest to me. He then turned his attention back to his girlfriend. I sniffed and stomped off. I pushed my way inside the tent and scanned the room. There were an extra change of clothes on the far side of the tent. They were a pair of sport shorts and a tank top. I sighed and pulled off my ruined clothes. I then put on the other set and looked down at them. The shorts were black, but they were too short for comfort. A bit of my stomach pocked through the gap between the tank top and the shorts. I then realized how thin I was. My ribs showed though my skin and my stomach was very flat, showing no signs of fat, just pure muscle. I frowned and then walked out of the tent. Sage and Rosabella were still on their blanket and Snowdonia was nowhere in sight. I stood, watching the couple for a few minutes, then decided I needed a little walk. Just some time to be alone.
I returned sometime around sundown. Rosabella had created a fire and Snowdonia had started boiling something in a big iron pot. Sage was holding a gem and a piece of metal, fiddling with it, obviously to create something beautiful. I walked over and plopped down beside him.
"What are you making?" I asked. Sage looked up briefly and then focused on his work again.
"A ring," he said. I nodded. He seemed so focused on his work, he didn't seem like much for conversation. I reached over and lifted his chin.
"Talk to me," I said, "I feel lonely." He was about to reply when a force slammed into me, knocking me off balance.
"Stay away from my boyfriend," a voice hissed in my ear. It was Rosabella, holding a fireball in her hand. I scrambled back and got to my feet
"I-I'm sorry," I stuttered, "I j-just wanted someone to talk to." Rosabella's fire didn't subside.
"You were trying to steal him," she shrieked, "Admit it, thief. You were!" I shook my head and backed up a bit more.
"I wasn't, I promise!"
"Rosabella!" Sage yelled, "Stop-" BAM!
I flew backward, my sight a white blast of light. My face was burning, and I raised a hand up to touch it. One of my eyes was sealed shut but out of the other one, I could see that Rosabella was readying another fire ball. Sage leapt in front of her and tried to calm her down. Snowdonia appeared and rushed over to me.
"Rowan, are you-"
"Fine," I snarled. My voice was strong and steady, "Let me finish this." I stood on shaky legs and faced Rosabella. She'd noticed me stand up, and she shoved Sage out of the way.
"Coming back for more, thief?" she yelled, "Sage is mine!" I closed my eyes and felt strength rush through me. I smiled a sly smile and took a deep breath. I opened my eyes and thrust my hand towards Rosabella.
BAM!
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
I'm not sure if your still interested in writing more but... I WOULD LOVE TO KEEP READING IT!!! You have spun this world in a way to incorporate fantasy and the modern world. I love that there isn't a specific place where this takes place. The location is sometimes key but in your case, it's all the more mysterious and magical. Your grammar and comprehension are wonderful and I'm so jealous.
I was confused with only one line and it could have been me and not you. You wrote: ""I's my blessing." She turned and left. Sage led me over to the bed I'd woken up in when I first came to this place." I was confused with "I's my blessing". Do you think you could clarify or take a look at it?
Thank you for showing me what a great author is. You are my role model!
Kisses,
M
(P.s. Please keep writing.
Hey there! I haven't read previous parts, just going off of this chapter.
You seem to have a pretty solid idea here, and I like the goddess in here, I found her rather amusing!
Don't be afraid to use "he/she said". It's not annoying, I promise- and if someone tells you it's annoying and/or repetitive you can send them to me. I know you did tell us who was talking originally, but readers get confused easily when it comes to who's talking, so it's perfectly okay to simply put "he said" after dialogue. If I'm confused as to whose talking, I might get too confused and not want to continue reading, which is a real shame because this is a pretty cool story!
This line made me laugh. Just the way you wrote the dialogue, and the situation made it very comical for me.
I feel like we're all over the place in this, and I found it a tad hard to follow. At the beginning I didn't really get a real sense of where we were to begin with, and then with the switching of locations to get the MC fixed up, and then back to where they were before that... I wasn't even sure if they did go back to the spot she was before Sage took her to fix her up. Plus I thought Sage had left the room? But then he's suddenly back there to lead her to the other room?
Another thing that I think made this a little more confusing was all the characters. I'm not sure how many there even are, to be honest. There was Sage, Snowdonia (I think?), Shara, Lilasy, Rowan, Zythos, and possibly more...? That is a lot of characters to keep track of- not only for the reader, but for you. With so many characters, not only is it confusing, but we don't get to know them as well as we'd like to, because there's so many to get to know. It seems that maybe a lot of these characters are gods/goddesses, but still it's hard to keep track.
Over all you have a nice story going here, and I hope you keep it up! I also hope that you found this somewhat helpful!
-Socks
Thanks for everything! I'm taking a little break from this story and I've been writing a new one called 'Child of the Sea'. Mind if you go check that out? I haven't gotten many reviews on it and I'm getting slightly discouraged.
On the second chapter I mean.
I take note of it and hopefully give you a review on it. c: It might, however, take me a little while to get to it- there's a couple other novels I'm trying to keep up with.
Try not to get discouraged, I know it's easy to especially when you don't get much feedback. But the Green Room has been really full lately and so a lot of works have been just sitting their all alone. We're trying to get to them though <3 Always always always keep writing!
If I have't reviewed that for you in a week from now, please remind me! c:
ok thank you.
(Smacks head on wall) How could I be so stupid, so careless.... ARGH! Sorry I haven't reviewed this yet! I'm so sorry! It was so careless, reckless, stupid of me not to have done this sooner! But to try to make up for it (which I can never do), I'll try giving you the best quality review I can think of.
~Specifics~
The woman is saying this, not Rowan. You should have a comma after "am" so there is a pause that suggests that she is referring to Rowan. This way, it sounds like she's calling herself Rowan because there is no pause.
In the first line, it is Rowan talking, yes? Remember how I mentioned in one of my earlier reviews about having different character's actions on separate paragraphs? Well, the same rule applies here. However, because Lilasy (is that how it's spelled?) is the one talking on the next line, that paragraph belongs to her. It is her paragraph and that is where she will have her actions That said, "Lilasy laughed and held out a hand" should be right before her line in the paragraph below.
Also, you forgot to end that sentence with a period.
I suggest hat you describe space a bit more. Ok, I realize that that's kind of vague. What I mean by that is how you take a few moments to describe the room, but not so much the universe. If you want to really inspire some awe into this or just to make it seem more fantastic (or Fantastica-tastic if you're into the Neverending Story). Space is filled with stars and planets and galaxies, etc. Imagine if you were to see the univers in whole. That's super hard to image (everything into one thing), but try playing with the idea. Create some super amazing imagery using colours and maybe textures (Now I sound like an art teacher. Great. Way to go Ladybug. What carrer person do you ant to be next? A pilot?) and lights. Make it as breathtaking as possible. Or maybe you could do something hilarious or unexpected with this. (I'd go with that option
So I'm getting the impression that each display case belongs to a certain universe, right? So wouldn't they each look different? It might not be the image you have in mind, so ignore my rant for this one an d move onto my next point if so. However, if you said with me, keep reading!
This, of course, depends on how each universe differs with each other. Each case should probably represent the universes in some way. It may be via engravings or items. Your choice.
Spoiler
coughcoughzootopiacoughcough
Ah-hem. Sorry about that. Heh.
Then wouldn't Lilasy know what the Russian Revolution is? Unless, of course, she has never read them But that the same time (sorry, unintentional pun), she's the goddess of space and time, so wouldn't she know (hence, time) about the Russian Revolution, anyways? Unless, of course, there's a limit to her powers........
Spoiler
Ah-hem, sorry again.
You forgot the period after "features".
I really like this part because you use his actions with such grace and fluidity that it all moves at a natural, brisk pace. Sage's urgency is still there, which means that you haven't dropped it. That's good because you have a very clear idea of who your characters are and what they're like. If you don't know what your characters are like, then how is the reader supposed to know? Weak characters are not present here, but can really bring down a story. I was reading a book a few weeks ago that could have been somewhat interesting, but the characters were terribly bland and all blend together. (It certainly doesn't help that there's no conflict either!) The only trace of emotion I had ever gotten from the book had vanished within a few pages and was quickly thrown away. It was a really bad book.
You also keep are attention with this, keeping us present. The most eye-catching moment here is probably when the liquid is changing colour. That is where everything is really coming together fluidly. Nice work.
"Walked" seems a bit too "ordinary" for this situation here, don't you think. Using a better word like maybe "hustled" or "rushed" or "shuffled" would definitely make the situation come alive more. That way we can really understand or feel the atmosphere.
This moment here feels a bit too rushed. Try slowing down a bit by adding some description or describe her posture. Go into a slow-motion-type scene where everything could be described. For example, the coolness of the water moment with some added description could turn out really cool.
I thing you mean " it's ".
This here feels a bit too fast as well. Like I said, try describing in better detail what is happening. I find his a bit confusing because I all of the sudden aren't very sure where Rowan is. I thought that she was already in a bed and now she's gong to a new one.....?
Same as before: I am a bit confused by this as well. I didn't know that she was still holding the book! Wouldn't Sage or Sarah have noticed it? It seemed to have disappeared for a few moments there, so try mentioning it once or twice.
~Overall~
Whoo! Awesome job yet again! You've kept me on the edge of my seat with action, wonder, and humour. (Great, now I sound like those quotes that authors give books bout how good it is. Great.) I love it when you add some sort of sarcastic sense to your story because it lightens the mood a little but also shows more about your character. Ok, ok, that's the reviewer in me talking. The reader/writer me just loves sarcastic characters.
You're ideas for this are wonderful. You have so much creativity here that really represents you well as a writer. It really shows off your talent, which is awesome. I am loving this so far, but I can never forgive myself for the tardy review! Please post a new chapter soon
or I will personally hunt you down (Get it? Hunt? Ok, sorry.) and make you write morebecause I am really loving what you have so far!Anyway, this was awesome and I hope that this review will make up for the lateness to some degree. I'm super sorry about that.
That's it from me! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask at all! That's what I'm here for (ok, not really, but I wouldn't mind answering at all)!
You are not allowed to stop writing! (Or I'll hunt you down! >:) )
~Holographic Ladybug, representing #104E8B