i reside in my mind
it's a dark place, i fear
you would be terrified
of the monsters, my dear
-
i hate to admit
how often i pray
but they still wreak havoc
and don't go away
-
i try to imagine
somewhere without pain
a place to feel happy
a place to feel safe
-
i hate my mind
it's so loud
i hate loud places
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Canary word: Present
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139,755 Literary Works • 672,703 Reviews
I definitely agree with the previous reviewer that leaving your final stanza stunted gives an unfinished, unstable feeling to the poem that helps the reader embody the theme of the writing.
Here are a few things I wonder about!
1. Is there another good phrase you can use in place of "as luck would have it"? Because not only is it a well-worn phrase, it feels like other words would apply more truly. It might be seen as trying to be ironic, but I think this is one place you can add more feeling or atmosphere. Most of the other lines are tightly placed, but this feels like one place that deserves to be altered!
2. The second place I wonder about is the line "a place I can stay", since you start the poem saying you reside in your mind, so isn't that a place to stay? So you have been staying there, although you dislike loud noises.
To be clear, I am not saying these points are weak or wrong, but they have room to be filled with stronger moments.
I hope this review is helpful! Thank you for sharing your writing, and let me know if you have any questions!
thank you! i would actually like to know if you have suggestions to put for #1? at all?
I see you edited it! I like your change!
okay ty X3
Hii! This is a really cool poem. I like how short and snappy the lines and stanzas are. It really trusts restraint instead of leaning into drama. The direct address of 'my dear' in the first stanza creates a sense of intimacy for the reader throughout the poem.
The strongest line is:
It's a quiet admission that carries the theme of the poem.
If I had to suggest one thing to change, it would maybe be the third stanza:
I think the repetition of 'a place' does work, but in such a short poem it sticks out a bit, where one concrete image might land harder, like the rest of the stanzas.
I like how this stanza is only 3 lines instead of 4 like the rest. This fragmented nature reflects the theme in the poem cleverly.
thank you ! i'll use this X3