I tugged the sleeves of my sweater down over my hands, and pulled on my hood over my head. Stray strands of brown hair were glued to my face because of the moisture, framing my face, not caught by the hood like the rest of my hair.
I must look like a mess. Thank goodness no one would probably be at school at this hour, except maybe the security guard. I couldn't become more of a social outcast than I already am. I lazily kicked away a stone that sat, out of place, on the sidewalk I was walking along. It skimmed a few meters ahead of me.
Anyways, why did I have to leave my flash drive back in the computer room? Why am I so forgetful? And why did I just HAVE to go back at 7:00 in the night for it? It really isn't necessary. I kept reminding myself of that over and over but this little voice kept saying back: You have to! Who knows what would happen to it?
Curse my obsessive compulsiveness. It left an annoying feeling at the back of my head when I didn't finish doing anything. My aunt was out of town too, so I was left to walk the distance to school.
An icy breeze passed right through me and I shivered. I hugged myself and continued walking. I looked back at the road I'd come from. This was the road I'd taken so much times during the day, to and from school. But somehow, in the night, it was unfamiliar.The stores lining the curb were closed and the tinted glass doors looked completely black in the absence of light. The streets were only lit by the dim glow of the occasional street light above. Around me, a few people were walking, but that didn't comfort me.
I hurried my steps. Just a half-mile more.
I sighed in relief when my school came into sight. It was a pretty large school, and stood a little ways back from the street, a garden of sorts before it as well as a tiny security office fitted next to the walkway leading to the school's front doors. The school itself was a series of buildings, the main classroom buildings at the front, then, the auditorium and the office behind. Behind that, the school had it's own huge football field and other clumps of tiny buildings speckled it's borders.
But... this was weird. I walked up to the security office, hoping to explain my situation, as dumb as it was, and get an escort into the school. But no one was there. The inside of the office was empty and as dark as the rest of the area.
"Oh, crap..." I sucked in a forced breath. I really am dumb.
The doors wouldn't be open. I can't get in. This was a complete waste of time. But like the idiot I am, I started walking towards the front doors. I'd try them. They'd be locked. I'll head straight back home.
But...the huge double doors swung backwards with a great big groan when I turned the door knob. Am I going crazy? Or are the guards getting lazy?
I stepped in but instantly, a chill crept down my spine. The usually bustling hallways were void of life and simply turned to darkness a few meters ahead.
Stupid obsessive compulsiveness!
A cold sweat started snaking down the side of my face as I rummaged inside my pocket for my phone. After a few seconds, I pulled out the phone and flipped it open. The sudden light made me blink a few times before I got used to it.
After another few seconds, my phone's flashlight shone into the gloom before me, illuminating it in a strange pale light. Like that, I walked through the hallways and past some eerily empty classrooms before I turned the corner and faced the stairs that spiraled upwards to the 1st floor.
The computer room was in the 2nd floor and I braced myself mentally for the long climb up.
No sooner had my foot hit the first step did I see a blur of black streaking up the stairs. I jumped. Did I really see that?
I shook my head. Must be my imagination. Resolved to believe it as nothing more than my fear playing tricks on me, I started climbing up the steps. One by one, so that I wouldn't trip.
When I reached the top, I applauded myself in my head for making it.
Then, there was a THUMP!
I literally jumped out of my skin. Trying hard to not shriek in terror, I quickly backed up a few steps and looked up into the darkness. I'd completely forgotten about my phone. And all I could see was a shadowy figure melded into the top of an armoire propped up against the wall.
My voice muted itself. My body started shaking uncontrollably. Who...who? ...what? The forgotten phone in my trembling hand clattered to the ground, in sync with my falling thoughts.
Hello
Here to review your work. This is a really interesting idea and I'm already eager to read more.
I think your character development is great so far. We already know she feels as though she feels as though she is an outcast, we know that she struggles with her obsessive compulsiveness and we know that she would only be able to get a lift with her aunt! I already want to know where her parents are.
I love the mention of the flash drive – I'm already asking myself what could possibly be on there that she doesn't want anyone else to get their hands on it!
Now to the nitty gritty parts:
I think the opening sentence is a little too wordy.
“I tugged the sleeves of my sweater down over my hands, and pulled on my hood over my head. Stray strands of brown hair were glued to my face because of the moisture, framing my face, not caught by the hood like the rest of my hair. “
I feel as though some of these words don't need to be here. For example, you repeat hood, head and face a lot throughout this opening & I think if you were a little more choosier with your words it wil read a little better.
I love the suspense, the fear and the eeriness that you create out the darkness of the street and the school....so I found it a little weird that it was still only 7pm??? I think you could make this a much later time so that it all fits together!
Overall – I think it's a great idea and I think you should definitely continue!
Good luck and feel free to take a look at my work when you have the time
Hey, really like this so far, can't wait to find out what happened! =D
I really like the way you write. It's unique, different (in a good way haha), and very eye catching. Nowadays I just read things from people that have no taste, but your writing and especially in this story is very interesting. I also like the structure of your sentencing and story building s well, it makes things easier as a reader to comprehend. GOod job! I'm looking forward to reading more from you!
Thank you! As long as you enjoyed it, I'm happy! ^^
Thank you! As long as you enjoyed it, I'm happy! ^^
Heyo
I couldn't become more of a social outcast than I already am.
that sat, out of place, on the sidewalk I was walking along.
Anyways
just HAVE to go
This was the road I'd taken so much times
was unfamiliar.The stores
a garden of sorts before it as well
then, the auditorium and
security office, hoping to explain
But...the
Am I going crazy? Or are the guards getting lazy?
THUMP
Who...who? ...what?
I saw this earlier but only now got around to taking a look at it xP
So here we go.
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You started in the past tense and you should stay there, therefore am should become was.
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The commas aren't needed and the end of the sentence is awkward. Maybe you should make it: on the sidewalk as I walked along.
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This is slang xP
Well at least to me it is.
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In stories, we italicize when we emphasize.
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We know the subject is the road, so you don't need those first four words, you can start with I'd taken then add an 'it' after. Also, much should be many as the word road is a countable noun (ie roads)
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There's no space after the period and it just makes me oidfaiudgoiugdsfouispuifdgpiudg
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This should be its own sentence and start with there was.
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The comma isn't needed.
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Also no comma.
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dsofihdsghsopdfuhgisuhdfg
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Hehe, that rhymed >.<
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Yes, we know what the subject is, so just say 'it'.
You continue the next few paragraphs as individual lines when they should all be put together. They are all talking about the same journey, after all
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We italicize sounds, too.
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sdlhdfuhgpsudfhgpshdfpgiushdpfguihspdiufghpsiudhgfpisuhdgpuih
The rest was fine, or good enough for me not to notice.
I think you have a great start to a story here, and I'd love to see you continue it. You character feels real and it's narrated by him/her/it well. If you ever do put up more chapters, let me know.
Good job and keep on writing
>u> Lot of corrections, Veer. Thank you, but you didn't really have to in-depth! This just something I'm writing so that the plot doesn't fizzle away into nothing. xD
I'll make the edits soon! ^^ Sorry 'bout the italics...I wrote everything in Notes and copied and pasted. On an iPhone, so...
The grammar errors...well, I'm still a school kid, so...! xD
Anyway, (;) ) thank you!
=.= ^ See? I'm not going to bother correcting them...
Hello, there!
First let me begin by saying that I like your piece. It's a good prologue, although it didn't really *hook* me in the way a mystery should.
Which brings me to the first thing I noticed:the beginning. It works, I guess, it's not that bad, but it should be hooking. Especially in your choice of genre, where you want to set up the 'tone' of the story for the very first line. I'm not saying it's a bad beginning, nor that you should do a new one. Just tweaking the sentences, or even re-arranging the words could make the difference!
Now about the narrator: my only problem with her (that I don't know her name) isn't really your fault, since it's a first-person narrative, and she's alone. (I have a thing about names. I have to know the name to create a picture around that *fits*, y'know..) Anyway, but I still learn a lot about her. Her looks, her personality, all the information is spread out neatly. Me likey.
In the veery last paragraph, she says, "My voice muted itself." It struck me as odd since, like, she wasn't talking to anyone. Mistake? XD Although the sentences were kinda chunky in some part the rest of it was all smooth and nice, a good set-up. I'd like to see the direction you'll take with it.
Hope this review helps!
Keep on writing!
Cheers,
Alpha
Thanks, Alpha, for the awesome review! xD I know I'm not perfect and it really helps having criticism and encouragement at the same time.
Oh, but just to clarify, I can't really say this is a "true" mystery. It's suspenseful, but leans more towards the paranormal. Or at least that's where I hope to head.
My genre choice was just for this chapter. They'll probably change as I continue.
Anyways, thank you! And I'll edit out those mistakes! xD