Hey, everyone. Just so you know, I meant this chapter to rush on so quick. For those of you who don't know, this whole book is supposed to be an outline (of sorts) of a manga me and my friend are creating. And thus, I tried to hold back on emotions and just focus on actions and situations.
SAGE
The library was quiet, dusty and ancient and as far as I could tell, I was the only person in it. The librarian snored up front by the check-out counter, the only sound in the room other than my breaths. It's true, I felt neglected. Everyone else was gone from the school premises except for me. I wish I could have cried, but what was the use?My big sis and little brother had their own stuff to do. And so, I was left in school alone for the holidays...for the second time in a row.
"You'll keep me company, won't you?" I directed the question at the key-chain hanging from my book bag's zipper. The little bobble-head Sakura bobbed it's head like it was actually nodding in response to me. I chuckled and swept my concentration back to the manga I was reading.
Suddenly, the PA system boomed,resounding in the walls of the library,and in the gruff voice of the principal, Mrs. Coles, announced," Miss Clover, your sister's waiting for you in the parking lot."
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This was the most fun I'd ever had in my life, to tell you the truth. Me and Chase had strolled through all the booths and shops, laughing and joking and trying out foods, and playing games and tripping each other occasionally just for laughs. I didn't mind though, because right then, I loved seeing my little brother's face all bright and ecstatic. It had been a long time since he had ever been like that.
After sis had picked me up yesterday, she had showered me with two tickets to a cosplay convention by the docks and had offered to drop me and Chase off. So right now, I was running around with Chase, dressed as a pirate from Gintama while he was dressed as Syoran from CardCaptor Sakura. Don't ask us how we got these costumes on such short notice.
**********
I rolled up my pant legs and seated myself comfortably on the dock. The sky was colored the same as the water beneath our feet, a deep aquamarine. The color of my eyes. White clouds rolled lazily across the dome of the sky, never faltering, though.
I looked at my brother lying down next to me, eyes gazing at the sky, the clouds, as if he wanted to be up there right now, away from all the noise, away from the harshness, away from the pain. And he turned his gaze to look at me.
"Sis..."
"Hm?" I inquired, still looking at the water.
"Why is it...," his voice was quiet. "That I feel so...cotadictive?"
I chuckled. I turned to him and smiled.
"Contradictive, Chase. And don't use big words if you don't actually know them."
He grinned. There was a hole where his front tooth was.
I laughed and said," Look at you, all grown up!" I reached over to ruffle his dark hair.
"Anyway...," I turned back to look at the water. My voice softening, I asked,"Why are you contradicted?"
My legs dangled over the side of the dock, feet barely reaching the waves below.
"Because...," Chase started.
"Because back there, where everyone else is..."
" Yeah..." I mumbled, interrupting.
"Sis?"
"Yeah...it doesn't feel real." I said, more louder, but still staring at the water.
" How did you know? That I was gonna say that?" My brother's voice sounded amazed, and I couldn't help but smile once more.
" Because that's how I felt."
We said nothing for a while, and we kept staring...at whatever we were staring at. To me, the water looked peaceful. It splashed rhythmically again and again on the surface, and I started humming in time with the splashes. And eventually, it turned into words. It was a song really, now. The water was the melody and the words I sang, were the harmony.
We melded together, like ink and paper, art on canvas, performing a sweet,sad song about love and loss.
I didn't try to stop, even though I knew Chase's heart must be racing. He didn't know it, but he needed a sad song right now.
The song continued, till eventually, with no decency whatsoever, he threw himself on me.
Arms tightening around my shoulders and face nuzzled in my neck, he sobbed, heaving. Between tears, a few muffled words came, all saying "stop."
I sniffled and hugged him back too, tight, shutting my trap.
And I let him cry. Let him cry and cry and cry until I knew he could cry no more.
Seconds passed. Minutes passed. And I did not shed a tear. My tears were all done, really. All used up.
It was Chase that did not shed a single tear at mom and dad's funeral. He never cried after that. I had figured out that he was trying to be strong. Trying to be the person, the man that held the family together. But he didn't realize that all he was doing was making himself more fragile. Fragile till he broke.
Hey there, Cailey here for a review!
I didn't read any of the other chapters, just realized that this was the one with the least amount of comments, so I figured I would review it.
However, even without knowing any of the back information, I really liked this and was able to follow along without feeling confused or overwhelmed by too many characters or too much excitement. That's a really good thing to have when writing a novel. You make me want to read more.
As for reviewing, I did notice several typos or awkward sentences that could be reworded to sound better. However, since it's a whole chapter I'm not going to take the time to point them all out. I'm sure once you work on really editting your story you'll find all of those little mistakes yourself.
So, more general advice. You use "had" a lot, which tends to make the story seem more distant, and it's hard to follow and feel connected to the story. Also, I don't really like the way you switch from one scene to the next with just the line. Don't worry too much about it, I did that a lot when I first started writing actual stories. However, if you can find a way to make smoother transitions, your piece will sounds a lot better.
I think that's all. Oh, and I really loved all the description with the ocean as a song. Beautiful description and you do a great job at adding in details.
I hope this review helped! Any questions or comments feel free to PM me.
Hey Aqua~chama ^^
So, I kept reading and I love this chapter too! ^u^ I love how you mention CardCaptor Sakura ^u^ (Syoran<3 X3) Although when I first read it I was like 'What the heck happened to Alistair?!?!' !O0O! But I guess that was intended, yah? ^^
Anyway, so it makes sense that this is an outline of manga ^^ All the '. . .' makes sense now ^u^
I can feel the emotion in this, like you really care for your characters ^^ I can't find much wrong with this since it's an outline ^^ I can't wait to read more, and eventually Read the Manga ^u^
Thanks, Kat-chan! >~<
oops hit the submit button too soon sorry!
Overall this was really good. I must say good job! I can tell you felt what the characters felt while writing this. It shows in the work. If you enjoy writing something then people who read it will most likely enjoy it. Or vice versus if you write something and hate it then readers most likely will not like it. So enjoy what you write. one last thing i just thought of what happened to the mom and dad that they died and who are the main characters staying with and how old are they? just some things to think about.
I shall focus my review on spelling, grammar, punctuation, and how if flows and makes sense.
first: instead of premises how about campus because when you say premises it sounds like a secuirity guard.
second: "White clouds rolled lazily across the dome of the sky, never faltering, though." I think the "though" should be left out. Because I don't know about other readers but the "though" throws me off base slightly.
third: "I looked at my brother lying down next to me, eyes gazing at the sky, the clouds, as if he wanted to be up there right now, away from all the noise, away from the harshness, away from the pain." In this sentence I think "the clouds" should be left out because you already said that he was looking at the sky so wouldn't he be looking at the clouds too?
Thanks for the review! Sorry I'm replying so late...^^"
no problem at all