ALISTAIR
He had woken up feeling trapped, enclosed and suffocated. It was dark even more so, because his were closed. His instinct had unconciously told him to keep them shut. He had been lying there like that for how long since he awoke? An hour? Two?
He had felt terrified because of where he was, something he felt was to hold him in, from everyone else. Why, he didn't know. Not yet. Was he even breathing? No, he wasn't. Something was strange...He was strange...It scared him.
Right now, he wanted out. But what was he in? Dirt, right? He could smell something earthy all around without even sniffing. But it wasn't rich and musty like dirt should have been. It was more...stale. Like he had been here for a few hundred years.
Right now, he came to terms with his predicament, aknowleding the fact that he was buried alive and wasn't breathing. All he hoped for was that he could get himself out of this. He could dig himself out, right?
He tried to move, tried to shift his upward position in any way he could. He tried to clench his fists but to no avail. He was trapped like that, weighed down by the stiff earth like a gold statue that had sunk into the depths of the ocean , to heavy to float back up. He was in a similar position.
But it didn't seem as if sanity was losing it's grip on him. In fact, he felt like there was no need for him to lose it because the situation wouldn't get any better if that happened. Nor would it get any worse.
It was at that moment though, that moment when he realized he could stay sane in that kind of situation, that his senses perked up. Not in the way,that most people would imagine though. His normal senses was blocked in by the overwhelmingness of the dirt.
But he found himself opening his mind, like opening a huge set of iron gates, over-grown with ivy and faded from years of no use. He felt himself really looking in,inside what people would consider a seventh sense.
A sixth sense is awareness of your surroundings. But the unknown seventh is awareness of time and space.
He felt a thrill at having an access to that.
Before he knew it, he felt himself dissipate into a smoky cloud. Although he couldn't see it or even feel it, he could sense it, unconciously. And the next moment, he was some place else, entirely.
End of chapter
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139,882 Literary Works • 672,716 Reviews
I do find this prologue interesting. It did a nice job of pulling me in and I can't wait to read the next chapter. However, there are just a few things I would like to point out. There are a few spelling errors but those are quiet easy to fix. Another thing I would like to say is that sometimes the sentences seemed choppy. If they had flowed a little more it would have been a little easier to ready. Also, be careful of using your in the middle of the story. It seems to break up the flow of everything focusing on what Alistair is feeling and thinking. Overall, though I would say that this is intriguing.
Thank you!!!!
Aqua this is pretty good.You describe the situation of the character really well but it is hard to keep track of what is happening. In other words:we can see how he feels but not really what the situation that is causing him to feel this way.It is interesting though, this idea and I am intrigued to see where you can take it. Remember not to get carried away in details so that your readers can keep up with events. Good job!! I actually love it despite my mean criticism.
Thank you for your weird, confusing but helpful criticism, Skye...
I will try to work on it. Remember when I showed it to you before?
You read it...and handed it back to me...with no comment...
'~'
AQUA!!!
Hey there remember moi? Just kidding.
Anyways I am going to review this for you and hopefully it will help.
I got to say, your prologue wowed me. I loved it. I really want to go on and see more.
Good start.
Now there are things I'd like to point out to you. So I guess I'll start off with this:
Why is there a question mark after the words 'awoke' and 'hour'? They don't go there. You're going to have to stick to the grammar rules bub. I'm sure you noticed that you forgot to write 'eye' up there *points at the first line*
I think you repeated the word 'he' alot. It was a bit disturbing. Maybe you could re-word it so that it still carries the same meaning and reduces the amount of times you have to say 'he'.
Also have a look at this:
Well I know the that you used the word 'felt' twice. If you're going to write about how he felt you don't have to rite it twice. Also look at the first part
This sounds strange to me. Your choice of words matters and the way you write them out too. The way you wrote it out kind of spoiled the mood a little.just a bit.
Now for the next part:
This just doesn't make enough sense at but if you are trying to say that he had this feeling that something was holding him in then there's two commas you need to replace that comma's position, put it else where then add in another commas. Do you see it?
I mean like this
Spoiler
Hmmm...About the dirt being stale. I really don't think anyone can tell how long they've been underground. If they coul tell time by looking at dirt then they would know how old the earth is.
Good use of imagery.
I hope this helped
-zo
Thank you! Thank you for the helpful writing tips but, he doesn't know his name yet, possibly woke up from a hundred years of sleep, and has no memory. He probably has super powers of some sort and well, duh, he has SUPER SENSES. Like a bloodhound, cat, bird, bat,just using a bunch of similes... I think that seventh sense comment must have told you how powerful he was.
And, before you ask,his emotions are numb.
As in, he doesn't really have any.
But thank you! I will definitely work on my grammar and hope to see improvement in me soon!
This is amazing. It drew me in and I honestly didn't even check to see how long it was (which is something I usually do before I read something). I wanted to read the whole thing based off the first sentence. I don't really know what it was, but the second sentence "It was dark even more so, because his were closed." kind of confused me... that's not really the right word... but it just seemed a little off. Maybe that's just me though
So I think that Audy said pretty much everything, I just wanted to add that in there. I can't wait to read more of this and learn more about your character! He sounds really interesting.
P.S. I forgot to mention that I liked how your descriptions really made me feel like I was there. I even got this kind of throat-closing-in-panic kinda feeling at some point in the piece even though it's pretty short.
Eyes! His eyes were closed! It was my fault for not checking over. I usually stumble and write words twice or don't write them at all. And I didn't realize you already looked up the story! I asked you to in Hi! But thank you. I like to keep an air of mysteries in my stories. Dundunda!
Hey Aqua1213,
This is an interesting concept to a story, a boy (or so, I'm assuming he's young) who has senses that goes beyond our own. I think it's such a cool idea! I personally can't wait to see where you will take this!
This has nothing to do with your story, but I just thought it was just an interesting bit of factoid that I picked up, but there are certain animals that have senses that go beyond our own. Bats for example, they don't have sight so they "see" the world through sonar and echoes. Which is really cool! Ticks too, have a unique sense, their body reacts by sensing immediate temperature differences. So when they notice something hot approaching they latch on and feast on blood! Gross, but cool, I think! Maybe you could research a few of them and get ideas? I dunno, just suggestions. I mean -- it sounds obvious, of course animals would sense the world differently! But things like that are so often overlooked! Okay, okay, enough of that. Let's get back to the actual piece...
I know this is a prologue, so I can understand why it's so short, but even despite the low word-count, it felt heavy and bogged down. Most of it is because of so much description and detail you used, and while I admire your imagination (I love the part in there about how he felt he was weighed down in the depths of the ocean), you want to keep one thing in mind when writing things like this: say it once, say it right.
If you first set the scene for Alistair being buried alive, you don't need paragraphs and paragraphs of the same description, describing the same action. You describe Alistair trapped underneath the earth, contemplating where he is, how he couldn't move, all of these things are interesting in and of itself, but don't bog the action down by describing every little thing.
It's okay to write: He made tea. and then move on from there. You don't have to write down the entire process of making tea. Sometimes short, brief descriptions work and end up carrying more suspense and tension than long, arduous paragraphs. For example, let's say you have: He couldn't move, couldn't breathe. He felt trapped underneath the weight of the Earth.
This is just a summarized version, and yet, it works on its own. I want to know what's happening so it draws me in immediately. It's clear, and succinct.
So my advice to improve this would just be to hone down some of your descriptions. I understand senses play a huge part of this, just remember: clear and succinct.
My second piece of advice would be to spell-check and proofread before posting. A lot of reviewers on here won't feel inclined to read something if there are a lot of grammar errors/spelling errors. But this is such a great idea, I'd hate for people not to review because of this, so make sure to proofread!
Keep writing and keep me updated on this! I'd love to see your progress and where the story goes from here!
~ as always, Audy
Thank you, Audy! I actually knew from the beginning about my constant descriptions. You see, my English teacher likes a whole ton of descriptions so in order to suck up to her, I developed that habit. I will try to eliminate that problem to write like how I want to write.
And thanks for your eagerness! I actually have a long first chapter to follow this...
Hiya,
This isn't that bad, in fact it is rather good. You have made a few mistakes grammatically and spelling wise. Just re-read it and you should be able to pick them up. Just things like adding commas in when you don't need to and not when you do.
You have started it with a good sense of mystery which is really nice. I like how you set it up without giving to much away but telling the reader that Alistair is not quite human.
Try to wary your sentence lengths a bit more so that it is more interesting to read.
You have used some nice similes like
"But he found himself opening his mind, like opening a huge set of iron gates, over-grown with ivy and faded from years of no use"
It really paints a picture in my mind as to how he is feeling and experiencing.
Good job and I await the next chapter!
Narglesxx
Thank you! That means so much! I know this was sort of short but my reasoning is that it's a prologue. They have to be short or else, they'll let out too much information. Thank you again!