Alistair
This time, when he woke up, he felt cold.
He jumped up at once, startled and confused.
The last thing he remembered was being buried alive; how can he be...
Where was he anyway? The panic in him dissipated as he took a slow look around...and he slumped back down to sit on the cold,hard cement. He was in an alleyway, near the end of it too, because he saw a brick wall climbing up in the air a few feet behind him. He sighed. Right now he was safe. That's all that mattered, right?
But then why did he feel so out of place here?
The night was dark, lit by a few tinkling stars high in the sky, behind clouds. A breeze blew from the north, from the opening of the alley, and gently gusted into his hunched frame, making him shiver.
He rose, knees weak and started stumbling through puddles of dank water to the mouth of the alley. As he went farther ahead, he could hear distant sounds of the rumbling of engines,blasting music, and human voices, talking away.
He walked a bit more through the darkness before he saw the lights. Faint, distant and dim, but definitely there. He brightened involuntarily and despite protests from a painfully hungry stomach, started running.
He kept going and going, through the dark, musty alleyway, around sharp corners,past smelly sewage pipes and dead, decaying rats.
He didn't know why he was overreacting this way.
It was just city lights...
But they seemed to be getting farther away, not nearer.
And now that he thought about it, the exact same wall beside him had been with him a few minutes ago, even after running a few hundred metres in the dark.
Finally, he paused in his tracks, considering this development.
He scratched his head and thought. This was all weird and peculiar.
First, he was buried alive, and for some reason, he ended up in a creepy alley and can't get out.
Maybe...maybe someone was trying to get rid of him.
But why? He hadn't done anything. He was just a kid who...
His heart started racing, immediately.
He didn't know who he was...didn't even know his own name!
The temperature around him started heating up and he tugged at the collar of his dirty white shirt, hands clammy.
The collar loosened and as the button on the top popped, a thin chain revealed itself, painted silver and very torn up. He never knew he wore a chain. Never felt anything, really, except for the confusion and anxiety in his head.
He pulled it out, from behind the cloth, and held it in his hand, fingering the pendant in the middle.
His finger skimmed down it's sides and it's clasp broke,opening immediately.
He gasped.
A faded picture was cradled in it by an elaborate, ivory border but he recognized then and there that it was a girl.
He could see the girl's outline but could see no features nor details.
He fell back against a wall and slid himself down and now he lay, crumpled on the ground.
His turned his head up to look at the stars, feeling hopeless.
Then he brought it back down to look at the picture again.
He didn't know why he felt like this...over some girl.
But when he stared at the picture, all he could feel was immense sadness, and a longing so deep, it hurt.
He didn't know who or where she was, but, in his inscrutable past, he knew her...and wanted her.
He sighed, shaking his head and it diverted enough of his attention away from the picture so that he could see the writing under it.
To Alistair.
His heart instinctively skipped a beat at the name.
Because this was his forgotten name.
Alistair...
" Hey..."
His head shot up at the sound of the voice.
A figure stepped out of the shadows, a tall man with wiry black hair and a long, crooked nose.
" Done moaning yet, Romeo?"
His friendly voice was warm and sweet.
Alistair didn't even stop to wonder why this guy was in here with him.
He just wanted a refuge and here was a guy offering it, in a indirect way.
He slowly stood up, hopes rising along with his actions.
But they plummeted down the moment the guy grinned and pulled out something from behind his back...and sent it crashing down on his head.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Eternal Ectasy- Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,521 Literary Works • 672,596 Reviews
Hey Aqua~chama ^^
Ok, so this sounds totally awesome ^^ It's a very intresting idea and very original ^^ I've nevre heard of a 7th sense before reading the prolouge and this ^^ I love that he has no memory, and the whole locket thing ^^ Here are just some quirks I found;
1) How old is he? ^^''
~I'm not sure ^^'' I guess he's somewhere in his older teens, but there's no spesific ^^ Though now that I think about it, he does appear to have amnisia ^^ But still, are we going to find this out later? ^^''
2) . . .
You seem to use '. . .' alot. So do I ^^ But you shouldn't use it so often or it messes with the flow, ya know? ^u^ for example, the last sentance; "But they plummeted down the moment the guy grinned and pulled out something from behind his back...and sent it crashing down on his head." Just take out the '. . .' and it would improve ^^ You have to know the right time to put it in there and the right time not to ^^
To figure out when to use it, I suggest you write it out like you normally do, but then go over it and try to feel out the flow ^^ If the '. . .' disrupts it, get rid of it ^^ That always works for me ^^
3) "His heart started racing, immediately."
~How about 'Immediately his heart started racing' ^^ It would fit better with the flow ^u^
So, yah ^^ That's all I can find ^u^ It's really REALLY good ^^ It leaves all the right questions, you know? ^u^ I can't wait to read the rest ^u^
Oops!! Sorry ^^'' It posted twice ^^''
Hey Aqua~chama ^^
Ok, so this sounds totally awesome ^^ It's a very intresting idea and very original ^^ I've nevre heard of a 7th sense before reading the prolouge and this ^^ I love that he has no memory, and the whole locket thing ^^ Here are just some quirks I found;
1) How old is he? ^^''
~I'm not sure ^^'' I guess he's somewhere in his older teens, but there's no spesific ^^ Though now that I think about it, he does appear to have amnisia ^^ But still, are we going to find this out later? ^^''
2) . . .
You seem to use '. . .' alot. So do I ^^ But you shouldn't use it so often or it messes with the flow, ya know? ^u^ for example, the last sentance; "But they plummeted down the moment the guy grinned and pulled out something from behind his back...and sent it crashing down on his head." Just take out the '. . .' and it would improve ^^ You have to know the right time to put it in there and the right time not to ^^
To figure out when to use it, I suggest you write it out like you normally do, but then go over it and try to feel out the flow ^^ If the '. . .' disrupts it, get rid of it ^^ That always works for me ^^
3) "His heart started racing, immediately."
~How about 'Immediately his heart started racing' ^^ It would fit better with the flow ^u^
So, yah ^^ That's all I can find ^u^ It's really REALLY good ^^ It leaves all the right questions, you know? ^u^ I can't wait to read the rest ^u^
This time, when he woke up, he felt cold.
He jumped up at once, startled and confused.
The last thing he remembered was being buried alive; how can he be...
Where was he anyway? The panic in him dissipated as he took a slow look around...and he slumped back down to sit on the cold,hard cement. He was in an alleyway, near the end of it too, because he saw a brick wall climbing up in the air a few feet behind him. He sighed. Right now he was safe. That's all that mattered, right?
But then why did he feel so out of place here?
The night was dark, lit by a few tinkling stars high in the sky, behind clouds. A breeze blew from the north, from the opening of the alley, and gently gusted into his hunched frame, making him shiver.
He rose, knees weak and started stumbling through puddles of dank water to the mouth of the alley. As he went farther ahead, he could hear distant sounds of the rumbling of engines,blasting music, and human voices, talking away.
I thought that bit was a bit stop- starty and maybe the sentences could have flowed a little bit more
Apart from that I thought it was an amazing start to your story and just keep on writing!
I am so happy! .-.(that's supposed to be an upside smiley face!)
My writing is UNBELIVABLY STIFF but I'm practicing to get rid of that. But I guess that's how Alistair feels right now. He can't pick out deets. He feels...uncomfortable...stiff! But with human interaction, I'm sure he'll get better! (that makes two of us!)
Hi there Aqua!
First I'd like to advise you on maintaining one tense. I'm not sure if you noticed but here:
You want to keep it past tense throughout. You had a couple of places where you switched tenses.
Make sure to correct your spelling mistakes like this
Looking at your format. I think you should paragraph them like your prologue. Right now it looks kind of not neat. Put a space between the paragraphs so that it's easier for readers to follow.
Tht part where he thought someone was trying to get rid of him...I don't get how he came to that conclussion. It's weird that he would jump to that conclussion. You might want to build a situation where thats an almost obvious conclussion. Right now he has a lot of things to choose from.
I liked this chapter too. You did good with building suspence. Although the part about him wanting her was a bit too fast for someone who just remembered he loved her.It's probably just me who feels that way. I thought maybe letting his memory return a bit and remember his feelings. Keep up the good writing.
I hope this helped.
-zo
Thank you, Zo! I'll work on it and come back with an even more interesting and grammatically correct chapter 2!
Hey there! I'm Tanya, pleased to *meet* you.
I'm going to make this as painless as possible for both of us, but I apologise in advance: I'm quite rusty.
I believe what you need to work the most out here is your MC's emotions/feelings.
You start him off completely confused, wondering what he was doing there, because the last thing he remembers is being buried alived. End of thought. Um, whut?
If it were me, I'd be freaked out of my mind, checking my fingernails to see if I'd clawed my way out, searching the ground for a spoon that I'd dug with, anything! This dude has no reaction. Yes, he's confused. He mentions that many many times.
Why does it take to the end of the chapter to realise he doesn't remember who he is? How does he not remember himself, but remembers he was buried?
You mention several (!!!) times that he's confused and that he's in an alley. It was frankly very repetitive. It would help the tone of this chapter if you showed us his confusion instead of telling us. Show us the pain. Show us the fear. Is he covered with dirt? Have him run his hands through his hair, give us length. Have him be surprised by it. Has it always had it this long??
This whole chapter is jumpy. Wake up. Was buried alive, what happened there. Knees weak. In alley. It smells. The alley, that is. I'm confused. What am I doing here. In the alley. Who am I? No longer weak, must run, run! Even though I have no idea where I am, run through the alley in the dead of night!
Give your MC a voice of his own. Make him unique. If it weren't for the "he's" throughout the piece, I wouldn't have known if your MC was male or female. That isn't good. You want your readers to feel connected to your characters, not wondering what sex they are.
I hope some of this made sense. The positive side of this is that I really was intrigued by this character who doesn't know himself and who's stuck in an endless alleyway. I'm not sure I would read more, though, as of yet, only because I'd be afraid of being even more confused.
I would suggest either making a character sheet, help identify your characters, their traits, who they are, what they think, whether they remember who they are or not. And feel free to PM me with any questions
Tanya
Thank you, Tanya!
To tell you the truth, I knew how crappy this piece was even before I posted it. P.S The guy is supposed to be super calm and he didnt dig himself out. He sort of transported. And my writing is terribly stiff, I know. I've got to work on that. I'll send you a detailed character sheet later! THanks.