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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Is it a game? (Prince of Heaven and Hell) Chapter 1

by NoobWriterIsHere


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Sorry reader, I messed up while writing the previous version of the same story sk I decided to redo everything. Hope you will all support my decision.

I did it because of two key points. 

1. Too much info

2. Robotic conversation.

I am kinda new to this kind of writing so I hope you would correct me..

~~~~~~~~

Click..... Click..... Clack... Clack.....

'I can still make it, it won't take much time. I can meet them soon too,' a young man mumbled while typing something on the screen.

Bang...

A loud sound came from his back. He couldn't even figure it out. A bullet pierced through his brain and hit the screen. Red liquid splattered all over the screen and covered the entire floor.

He opened his eyes. He didn't feel any pain, and neither had any memory of what happened to him. Turning around, he found himself in a black void.

[Welcome to Oasis]

'Oasis? Why am I here? Did I die?' He tried recalling, but he couldn't and only invited a terrible headache. 'If I died, why am I here? Is Oasis real? Did I make it or it existed from the beginning?'

[Please choose your name]

'I hope that it shows similarity to what I made, but I remember too little about Oasis,' he calmed himself, hoping he wouldn't mess up else who knew what might happen to him.

'If it's Oasis, then they will notice me,' he thought to himself, "Glitch,"

[Do you want to choose 'Glitch' as your name?]

"Yes," he replied, thinking what would he do next. 'What should I do? Why is no one here?'

[Please select your race]

[Human] [Elf] [Dwarf] [Orc] [Ghoul] [Random]

'Why has no one unlocked any the higher race yet? Are the players this slow? I could get my hands on a superior race if only I didn't skip the lectures,' 'What was the sequence for it?'

"Vampire,"

[The race isn't unlocked yet]

"Dragon,"

[The race isn't available]

"Reaper,"

[The race isn't available]

"Human,"

[Do you want to choose 'Human' as your race?]

"No, Let me be a demon."

[The race isn't unlocked yet]

"Demigod,"

[The race isn't unlocked yet]

[You have exceeded the limit]

[Choose the race in the next two turns]

"Elemental,"

[The race isn't available yet]

"Random," he shouted, with a sense of achievement.

[Please wait...] [Your race is Arch-human]

"It scared me," he took a deep breath.

[Please select your beginning point]

[Land of Light] [Land of Darkness] [Land of The Forgotten]

'I don't want anyone to have a grudge against me.' He replied with no hesitation, "Land of The Forgotten,"

[Your beginning point is Golius Town]

A white light embraced him, the pain vanished and his senses became clearer. He opened his eyes. He was in open grassland with no one around. 'Why is there no one here?' he checked himself, 'Is this it?' he had nothing apart from a tunic and pants of leather.

'What has she been doing?' he opened the settings, 'As expected, the damned buttons are missing.'

'I should go to the primary area. I still am not sure what will happen if I die here,' he left the place.

He kept walking straight until he reached a fresh place. Unlike the grasslands, it didn't have any vegetation. He continued to walk and found three men surrounding a girl. 'What are they doing?' he took cover behind a house and continued observing them.

"Bro, this bitch has killed many of our brothers. Should we punish her?" one commented, seeing her lying on the ground.

"Hehe, should I be the first to have a bite?" another replied with a creepy voice.

'I should just leave it. I still don't know what she did.' he turned his back and left.

"Help... Save me," the girl called him.

He turned back. He could sense danger. "Me??? I am just a passerby. Please continue, don't mind me, I am leaving."

"Bro, he saw us. What should we do now?" one asked.

"Catch him, don't let him escape," the one who was silent till now, ordered. The two ran towards him.

"H-Hey, I saw nothing. So leave me alone," he lamented and ran. 'Why is there no one monitoring the game? Is this even a game? Am I even a player or an NPC?'

He looked back at the girl, 'Fuck it,' he turned back, 'Why am I playing hero now?' and ran towards her. Dodging the two, he made his way to the girl. And clenched his fists and threw it into the man's face.

Smack... and soon followed was a sound of bones cracking. 'Am I OP, I haven't checked my stats yet,' was what he thought, but soon he realized a sharp pain in his hand, 'Fuck, I broke my hand,' the man seemed fine while Glitch held his broken hand.

The man looked at him with eyes of a predator, "You little shit dared to punch me." He grabbed his head and smacked it into the wall.

Drip... Drip.....

Blood rushed out of his head like a fountain. The man grabbed him once more and smashed it again and until he mashed Glitch's face.

[You have suffered a severe injury]

[Your brain cannot process]

[You are losing your consciousness]

He could hear his skull cracking and consciousness fading. Gathering every ounce of his energy, he cried to the girl to run. "Oh, you still are here. This one is a cockroach."

His body wasn't able to hold any longer, he felt that he was losing control. 'Why? Why did I even do that? I should have run when I still had the time.' He couldn't keep his eyes open.

Bang...

The man flew into the air, "W-Who are you?"

"Die," He grabbed his face and kept smacking until the skull was visible, and the man disappeared into white light.

Glitch turned his face towards the newcomer, "Thanks,"

His crimson red hair, dyed in blood, glittered in the sunlight and his golden eyes were cold. "You cocksucker, you can't even stand up to yourself." the red-haired man punched and knocked Glitch.

"Rest while you can," he waved his hands. The bleeding stopped, and the wounds healed. He turned back towards the girl, "Don't tell him anything about me. If you do, I won't hesitate to kill you." he gave her some healing and mana restoration potions and ordered, "Take him back to the primary area, tend to his wounds, and see to it he's safe" the man ordered and left the place.

The girl couldn't move, she wasn't much injured, but the stranger's oppressive aura suppressed her from moving. 'What a terrifying presence,' is what she thought of him, and then looked at Glitch. 'I would prefer him than that man.' and carried Glitch on her back.

The man stopped in his tracks and screamed, "Fuck it!" he went back to the girl and asked him to hand Glitch over to him. The girl refused the man's request and pulled Glitch closer, "I can take his care. You can leave us." she said, finding his actions strange.

Snap... The girl disappeared into white light, "Like hell you can," he carried Glitch in his arms, "Fucker who told you to help that trash? I was just playing." They also turned into white light and vanished.

They both were now in a palace, with armored guards surrounding it, taking their positions. Glitch, unconscious in the man's arms, was being carried to a room, where the man laid his limp body down "Let me help you collect the pieces,"

He waved his hands around Glitch's face, hands glowing and emitting a reddish aura covered Glitch's body. "Now wake up, and enjoy your life," white light embraced Glitch as the unconscious man vanished.

When Glitch opened his eyes, he was sleeping on a bench lying near a tree. He got up and dusted his clothes.

A notification popped up.

[System has created a Unique Quest for you]

[Conquer both Heaven and Hell]

Difficulty:???

You are having received God's blessing, are now qualified to conquer both Heaven and Hell.

Acceptance Rewards: You will be free from any death penalties and after death, you only need to spend one hour in The Void.

Completion Conditions: Use any means to become the Ruler of Heaven and Hell

Time Limit: None

Failure Penalties: You will stay in Oasis forever

[Do you want to accept the quest?]

With no hesitation he agreed to it, it was the best option for him. 'The conditions aren't half bad. I can make my way through it with enough time.'

[You have accepted the quest]

'I rescued the girl and I can't believe that girl left me here alone. And who was that man,' thinking he recalled his memories and went to the library.

Though he accepted the quest he never knew that it would bring the secrets of his past.

~~~~~~

I have already written the next chapter so you can check if you want here.

Next Chapter


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Points: 170
Reviews: 2

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Wed Aug 05, 2020 2:16 am
onnieechan wrote a review...



first thing, i don't know who character is or what he looks like maybe you could go into more description. this is my example a 'young man with messy hair and broad shoulders, good build shrouded in shadow'. That is a good way of describing a character without needing to go into a large amount of description.
to describe what he is doing is easier. 'the man looks down at a screen in his hands, his fingers zigzagging across the screen, he mumbles' "I can still make it, it won't take much time. I can meet them soon too."
i don't know where you want him to start of the place or the time so i'll just say he is in his bed room. 'the man is seen sitting on a chair in a room with a box structure, the door is in the centre of the room two walls coloured white lead to the left and right of the door. a window with is just visible behind the man'.
[quote]
bang...
A loud sound came from his back. He couldn't even figure it out. A bullet pierced through his brain and hit the screen. Red liquid splattered all over the screen and covered the entire floor. [end quote]
this seems a little dull, you need to make it more exciting for example 'bang!'
'A frighteningly loud sound came from behind the man, before he could react a bullet had pierced his skull and burst through his forehead.' that is just my idea of what you could have down to start of with.






Thanks, Oni-chan for helping me. I have already changed the things you pointed me to. I am grateful for your help. ;J
Check this,
"I can still make it, it won't take much time. I can meet them soon too," a young man with long black hairs and blue eyes mumbled as he was typing something on his keyboard. He kept shaking his chair and fidgeting his legs. Sunlight entered through the opened window behind him and glittered his long black hairs, which now were messy.
Bang...
A frighteningly loud sound came from behind the man and before he could react a bullet had pierced his skull from behind and burst through his forehead. The red liquid that came out splattered all over the screen and covered the entire floor.





Thanks, Oni-chan for helping me. I have already changed the things you pointed me to. I am grateful for your help. ;J
Check this,
"I can still make it, it won't take much time. I can meet them soon too," a young man with long black hairs and blue eyes mumbled as he was typing something on his keyboard. He kept shaking his chair and fidgeting his legs. Sunlight entered through the opened window behind him and glittered his long black hairs, which now were messy.
Bang...
A frighteningly loud sound came from behind the man and before he could react a bullet had pierced his skull from behind and burst through his forehead. The red liquid that came out splattered all over the screen and covered the entire floor.





Thanks, Oni-chan for helping me. I have already changed the things you pointed me to. I am grateful for your help. ;J
Check this,
"I can still make it, it won't take much time. I can meet them soon too," a young man with long black hairs and blue eyes mumbled as he was typing something on his keyboard. He kept shaking his chair and fidgeting his legs. Sunlight entered through the opened window behind him and glittered his long black hairs, which now were messy.
Bang...
A frighteningly loud sound came from behind the man and before he could react a bullet had pierced his skull from behind and burst through his forehead. The red liquid that came out splattered all over the screen and covered the entire floor.



onnieechan says...


i like it good work



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64 Reviews


Points: 1460
Reviews: 64

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Wed Aug 05, 2020 1:48 am
brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello Comrade!
It's good to see the continuation of this story. However i am as you suspect a little confused as to whats going on. I will read the chapter you linked to see if i get my head around whats going on. anyway on with the review!

'I can still make it, it won't take much time. I can meet them soon too,' a young man mumbled while typing something on the screen.

Bang...

A loud sound came from his back. He couldn't even figure it out. A bullet pierced through his brain and hit the screen. Red liquid splattered all over the screen and covered the entire floor.

He opened his eyes. He didn't feel any pain, and neither had any memory of what happened to him. Turning around, he found himself in a black void.

There are many punctuation errors all throughout this piece, it is a little difficult to read and some thorough re-reading and editing would help greatly. the other main thing is that this contradicts what has been going on in the previous chapters. is this explaining how glitch got into oasis? is this how the master died... both? and why is it called chapter 1. i'm a little confused but i should check out the chapter link before i say anymore.

Though he accepted the quest he never knew that it would bring the secrets of his past.
~~~
I have already written the next chapter so you can check if you want here.

you need to put a chapter break here, or an authors note. something to differentiate it from the actual writing.

The man stopped in his tracks and screamed, "Fuck it!" he went back to the girl and asked him to hand Glitch over to him. The girl refused the man's request and pulled Glitch closer, "I can take his care. You can leave us." she said, finding his actions strange.

Your characters change their mind very abruptly multiple times, they jump from this to that. is this purposeful or does it just happen. Also saying 'Fuck it!' every time they change their mind is fine once but it gets repetitive if every character says it each time they change their mind.

overall it could use a bit of work, the formatting is fine but the characters are robotic, the description doesn't always fit and it is a little difficult to read. however i have been enjoying this story's plot and setting and i will be reading the chapter you linked. Sorry if this review was a little harsh, it's just confusing and a bit of a downgrade from your other works on this site.
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo






Hmm.
*Tries to think of changing the story*




You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda