(Okay, I hate Prologues, but I feel like this one might be a little necessary. Tell me if I'm wrong. Also, this is only a Part One. I'll be posting the second half after Review Day.)
The smell of the forest was a familiar burn. Holes in the ground produced thin trails of white fog that stung his eyes and brought tears to his cheeks as he sat atop his horse, surveying the land before him. He tried to breathe easy, coughing only a little on the exhale, but couldn’t deny the growing fire in his lungs. He pulled on his mask.
Despite all the horrors that happened in Pyne, it remained the only place Roland felt truly at peace. Echoes of war lingered in the thorny vines snaking their way up every tree trunk, towering high into the sky until they met with moss and leaf and branch, creating a thick canopy of green above. If he looked closely, he could still see the marks in the trees from many swords, fangs, and claws. He approached one now, goading his horse closer to the thick oak. Pushing aside vines, he brushed his fingers against a particularly deep gash and closed his eyes.
His wife called him a masochist. No one liked him taking his annual hunting trip, Mica least of all. She thought it best to leave the past in its place. After all, they’d had no problems from Pyne for the last thirty span. Another five and the forest would be gone completely, as per the efforts of the relief team. And, according to his advisor, Pirce, “A King’s place is in the palace.” Roland knew that, of course, but none of them understood. Mica and Pirce may have been children of war but they did not live the war. The real children of war were dead. All but him.
After taking a deep breath through his mask, and claiming a firm grip on his sword, Roland turned head and started his way down the muddy path.
The ground was porridge, and the land perpetually soaked and dripping like the inside of some horrible thing - with a smell to match. The fog that Pyne produced was dangerous in more ways than one. The Preists called it The Passion. Roland didn’t remember it being very passionate at all. He remembered the sound of his brother’s pained wheezing as they lay useless on the floor, reduced to mad men. Doomed to rave until the fog burned away their lungs and left them gasping for air on the ground.
Yes, The Passion had returned for the first time in ages but the thin, wispy trails of smoke were nothing in comparison to the rolling waves of plume that haunted his nightmares. Something deep within his chest had wound itself tight when he first smelled it again, and had not let go since. There had been some leftover Bogmen and Shrikes in other areas of the forest, but the appearance of the fog could only mean one thing. Pyne was starting to wake. Five span may be too long to wait.
Roland did not let this bother him. He was no stranger to the land, nor an idiot. He’d been warned of this long before his departure, and instead of focusing on something he could do no good for at present, he turned his attention to his horse - who was sinking, ever so slowly, into the ground.
The horse whinnied nervously and tossed his head. He trotted clumsily in place and the path’s floor stuck to his hooves like clay.
“Woah now. Calm down. We’re okay.”
Grunting with the effort, Roland hopped down off the horse and splashed down onto the terrain. After taking his pack and sword - and reaching down to give his hunting dog, Bo, a reassuring pat - he led his horse to a seemingly dense patch of grass and unearthed roots and tied him there.
Continuing on foot proved to be easier, less painful on his old bones. He’d a few hours until sunset, time enough to have his walk, to calm his anxious mind. However, things were not as they were before. The forest was too quiet, and Bo had disappeared from his side.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hello again!
Once again beautiful writing. You don't understand how amazed I am. This feels like the first chapter/beginning of a full story. That's not a bad thing. That means that you did a good job in crafting a story that comes to life.
But as DeltaAllon said, this doesn't feel like much of a prologue. A prologue should either be a part of the timeline of the story and simply be a foreshadow or it can be a separate segment that ties into the story even if the timelines don't match at all. Since the events of the story happen after the prologue, I recommend to wrap up the prologue with a definite ending. Personally, I feel like the ending of the prologue leaves the reader hanging and doesn't really end the prologue. It feels like there should be more to this story but a prologue usually doesn't have separate parts. For the sake of it being a prologue, this should conclude or at least feel like there won't be a continuation of this particular story in your story. If I interpreted it wrong, then please correct me.
"He’d a few hours until sunset" Right there, I think you should add have. So "He'd have a few hours until sunset".
"His wife called him a masochist. No one liked him taking his annual hunting trip, Mica least of all." Is Mica his wife or some other character? I'm sorry but this part was just confusing to me.
"If he looked closely, he could still see the marks in the trees from many swords, fangs, and claws." I think that sentence would make more sense if you substituted on for in. The marks aren't inside the tree but on the bark of the tree, so on would make more sense here.
"He remembered the sound of his brother’s pained wheezing as they lay useless on the floor, reduced to mad men." I'm gonna be nitpicky and say that madmen is one word.
"Something deep within his chest had wound itself tight when he first smelled it again, and had not let go since." The comma after "again" is unnecessary since it's in a compound predicate.
Once again, awesome writing as always. This just doesn't seem like a prologue. Besides some simple errors, there are no holes in your writing. I cannot wait for more!
This doesn't feel like a prologue, dude. I say it would be an acceptable chapter. Writing is incredible and dark, though I couldn't keep up most of the time to understand perfectly. As I couldn't understand completely what was going on (because I'm an idiot), I would like to know what was Roland going for and how long since "the horrors of Pyne" has passed.
I can't tell much else, Hattable's review has full details and I think I agree with him in this.
I say prologue because the actual stories happens X years after this. And I'm not completely sure on my timeline yet, so I'm sorry
that's my fault. But, here, it's been 30 years since the war.
I mean, not 30 years, but more like 50? Roland is very old. I'm sorry, I'm not sure about the timeline yet.
Hiya!
Another review from me! *finger guns*
I always love reading things from this world, whatever it's called. Let's get started, then!
I think you should mention the character's name in the first paragraph, rather than only saying he/him and then introducing him by name in the second. It just has a better feel to it, I think, and going “he/him” may confuse some readers, whereas giving a name is like “oh, okay.” -shrug-
Also, ROLAND-- now I've gotta envision the gunslinger from Stephen King's Dark Tower series, lel, (it's a good name, though.)
This is a good line and I like how you've written it, but he's still atop his horse. This sounds like he's now on foot. Perhaps you can find a way to make it sound less like Roland is doing the walking and more like his horse is?
The first bit, before the comma, is fine. It's good. The rest is suddenly confusing, though. Maybe it's the “and” before “the land”. That might be a typo, I'm realizing, so don't worry about this!! Just fix that little stowaway, lel.
Are they meant to be called Preists or is this a typo?
Assuming it's multiple men, as the latter part of the sentence mentions, you should have the apostrophe in “brother's” after the S. After the S indicates it's multiple beings' possession (or whatever), so yeah, it'd be “brothers' pained wheezing”.
“Down” twice in such close proximity stunts the flow. You can remove either one and the sentence should be fine. I recommend removing the second.
Patting his dog seems a bit out of place with his horse sinking, but I realize you probably want us to know the dog is there. Maybe there's a better way or time to do that? You could mention the dog earlier on, perhaps have him sniffing at the roots of the tree with the gash that Roland inspects at the beginning!
Oh no! Intriguing ending, though.
I got some Princess Mononoke vibes from this, but it was probably just the mention of claw marks alongside swords and whatnot, on the trees, and the imagery of forests and smoke.
The pacing was good, and sentences were a nice mixture of various lengths. I really like seeing more and more of this world. You've revealed some more world-building, which is great. I love this story.
I'm interested in how long before Reor's story this takes place, and how it's connected.
I look forward to more works from you! Keep up the writing, bud!
- Hatt
Lol!! You're so right! Once again, thank you for pointing these things out. I'm gonna make sure to keep your points in mind whenever I go to edit. Unfortunately, I'm not too sure on the specific timeline. I don't want to spoil anything, but Reor does show up in the second half of the prologue.
I know its been around 50(?) years since the war, but I haven't figured that out yet. But its been a good 30 years since Pyne stopped being active.