my devils have taken dominance over me
sent me sprawling from the tree
to lay upon a muddy bank
and call your name
ask for a change in my wretched soul
/
for i fear i've fallen too far for forgiveness
like paradise is a bird's nest
and i'm clawing at the branches from below
bloated with pride and far too bold
/
raging until the sun dips into the sea
and everything becomes as black and blue as me
fighting off the worst of my shame
/
but now divine's too high for me to reach
you haven't even offered up your wings
/
and, yet, i love you still
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hello, Nobunaga. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?
I. CLARITY & MESSAGE
I don’t quite understand the clarity here, but I think that the speaker is trying to say that they have issues inside of them that they do now acknowledge, but because of those issues, they lost the one they loved. That’s what I got from this poem. The message the speaker is trying to portray was not very clear ( but I got the jist of it, so yeah. Lel. ), you should work on providing a clear message for your readers to understand.
II. TONE & STRUCTURE
The tone of the poem seems sad, depressing is more of the word I am looking for. I love the structure of the poem, it flows and there is no limited restriction on the lines. It seemed like you went with the flow with this poem. The imagery provided was simply amazing, you did a great job on that.
III. OVERALL
Overall, the concept of the poem, the tone, and the structure are very well done. It’s the clarity. I was confused on what the speaker was trying to express. I had to read it a couple more times to figure what I think what the speaker is talking about. Just work on getting the message clear to your readers. Other than that, keep up the great work!
Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day!
Something about this poem is off of me. I think it's because the speaker of the poem is suffering, yet the imagery is airy and light. When I think of a person as fallen, I think of them as broken, not among the sun and sea and bird nests. There are lines about the speaker of the poem being wretched, full of shame, black and blue, but why? "Prideful and bold?"
I suppose that may actually add a level of depth to it -- they're so prideful, that they can't actually admit that they're suffering, so their metaphors still consist of things that are lively and wonderful when they are not.
The second to last stanza is a bit of a reach -- just prideful and boldness alone aren't enough to block out divinity in any religion I know of, and we know nothing else about the speaker to suggest they've done worse.
The other part of this poem that the speaker is addressing is this relationship with another person, but I'm not sure it adds or detracts anything from the poem. In fact, you could remove the lines "and, yet, i love you still" and "and call your name" and I don't think anything about the poem would change either way. Not saying you have to remove that aspect, but expanding or changing it to make it better gel with the rest of the poem I think would strengthen the piece.