I saw you
in a golden street glare,
tripping in your leather boots,
tears sparkling on
your flushed cheeks.
They would have been a plain red,
had it not been for the
whispers of lost mascara
that traced each tiny
line and crevice.
You were so lost
among the flashing lights
and hazy-eyed pedestrians,
pleading for me to take your hand,
hold you,
love you,
brush your hair, and wipe your tears.
Someday, I knew,
we would grow old together.
And I would never let go,
not through the children or chemo
or trials of age.
I saw you
in a golden street glare,
but faltered too soon
and resolved too late
to make myself seen.
Now, in a cold kitchen's gloom,
I rest my face in
my hands, desperately
exploring chance and hope,
only to find you missing.
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140,600 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Heya, nightshade. ^^
I'm here to review as requested! If you have any quesitons, comments or anything about this review when I'm done, be sure to let me know. Just leave me a message on my wall or PM me.
Overall, I really liked this poem. I'm not the best judge of poetry, but I'm pretty sure this is a good piece. Based entirely on my opinion, I have to say that I liked it a lot. I loved the descriptions you used to tell the story of the poem. They were so pretty, and that's what was clever. I absolutely suck at analysing the stories behind poems, but this one's a negative one, right? I love how you've used words to make something negative sound pretty. I know I'm not making muc sense, so what I'm basically trying to say is that I love this.
All three of your stanzas are great, especially your first and third. Now, I do like the second one, but I think you can make it better. This is mostly based on personnal taste, so this critique is argueable. Make sure you bear that in mind. The issue I'm having with the second stanza is the fact that it feels a bit... I don't know. Almost cliche, I guess.
This is what I mean. Except for the third line here, the rest of the lines all sound like I've heard them before. It's a classic, I love you, I wanna hold you, kiss you, we're going to be together forever, I'm never letting you go kind of thing. You know, the usual.
Your first and last stanzas were full of imagery, but not only that. What I liked was the fact that they weren't full of descriptions I'd heard before. In the second stanza, I don't really feel the same way. It's a lot less vivid, there aren't really many descriptions, and it's less pretty. It kind of feels disconnected to the other stanzas, if I'm honest. Please don't take this critique too seriously though because I don't know much about the technicality of poetry, so this is based on my own opinion. I do think you could do more with this second stanza though. Really bring it to life.
Other than that, there's nothing else that really bugs me. Negatives aside, I truly do like this poem, nightshade. You've created some wonderful imagery within this poem, especially in the first and last stanzas. If you can expand the imagery in the second stanza, I will be overjoyed. Well done!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
hello nightshade.
i love the imagery, the details you used, the play of words..beautiful. i wouldn't go nitpicking because i instantly loved it. definitely. there's a dark emotion hidden behind your words; i loved the depth of the poem, the emotional content and the way it makes me say, "aww.."
keep writing and stay motivated.
It was a great read. I love the way the story advances , and all the feelings that emerge from the words. I feel the same always all the time so I can really relate to this poem, and find myself in the words that are very well chosen
The "movie" I saw was just amazing!
The only thing you need to do is keep writing.
*bows*
Here to review per request.
. And through these words you've made lots of imagery, which is probably the best part about this poem!
x
Did you get the title from the song by Ludacris feat. someone else? Just wondering. Anyhow, lets get on with the depths of the review and I'm blabbing. STOP.
I've noticed that you've used some repitition-repeating a few lines from the first stanza to the last stanza. And, I have to say, I've seen a poem do that where they only repeat a few lines and use other lines all in one stanza. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense. But, saying that, I'm quite new to poetry, so I'm quite fascinated by new techniques I see. What I'm trying to say is taht it's a good technique, well done!
What I didn't get from this poem was any flow. Now, I'm sure that you weren't aiming for that, and more imagery (I'll talk about imagery later on). Two of your stanzas are 10 lines long whereas the other one is 12. Now, I'm not sure if you were going for a pattern of 10-12-10, and if you were I think that's good, however it doesn't help with the flow. Something that does help with flow is getting the same amount of syllables regularly, but, it's up to you.
Your selection of worsd was generally excellent. I didn't notice any words which clashed with the subject of the poem, which I see a few people do after using a thesaurus. Did you use a thesaurus at all? You might've, but it doesn't seem like you've gone out of your way to replace a word, so, great stuff
Overall, I enojyed. Your a great poet, so keep writing!
~Tamara
P.S. Sorry if there are lots of typos, I don't have spell check.
I think this was wonderful- probably (no, definitely) my favorite poem from you so far. The first two lines kind of lost me a little bit, but when I read on, I was totally captured in the descriptions.
This part kind of confused me a little bit:
tripping in your leather boots,
tears sparkling on
your flushed cheeks.
They would have been a plain red,
because at first I thought you meant the boots were plain red. That, of course, could have just been my lack of sleep/jetlag killing my brain.
The only other thing I could think of that I was curious about is how you "found her missing" when you were back home. Also, did you know her?
Those are kind of nitpicks though. Overall, I really liked this piece- the imagery was perfect. It was a substantial amount, but had plenty of emotion and really gave a great atmosphere to the piece. The concept itself was really nice too. Excellent job!
-Coral-