This is an edit of a poem called "I Slept Alone" that I posted on here a little while ago. Any suggestions/feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
I watched the rock hit the lamp post
Little bits of glass tinkled on the concrete
And deep inside, sparks danced and sang their freedom
You watched the news on tv
Saw the crowd squirming and rolling
A steaming drink in your hand
My lips exploded in dissonance
Reveling in the screams
That rose from the cracked streets
Your lips parted and dove
Creating swirling melodies
That wandered through the empty rooms
I lit the match
And watched the flames lick the house
Tasting before consuming
You lit the candles
And nestled beneath the sheets
Reaching for someone who wasn't there
I heard the boots
Sweeping the streets as the came
Caging me with my companions
You heard the rain
Tapping on your window
Trying to come in, to lay with you
I felt my skull crack
At the swing of the baton
Saw the fear in the wielder's eyes
You felt sleep coming
Slipping into bed with you
Kissing you on the cheek
My eyes faltered
As the spectres gathered round
Crying over me
Your eyes slept alone
I never existed in them
And never will
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This is the only new problem I saw. Parted and dove. That makes no sense.
As for the poem as a whole:
There's little flow, even if you seperarte it into two poems, there's still no flow.
Also, you don't really need to keep saying you and I. The objects and the different tone alone will let us know that it's someone / something different.
Now, this would also help with the flow because you can meld this into one story, with it's parallels.
Like: Between the weilder's eyes and you felt sleep coming lines. You can put something like, you slept well through the attack. Something that gives the relation that they are similar, because parallel lines are similar. And giving that little relation will help lead us to the same over all idea. And it will help remove that list like feeling of the poem.
Now, all that personification (symbolism) to the you stanzas, are about the I stanzas. Which is good, but I don't see enough of a relation to properly think that. Maybe if they echoed eachother on a word or two. That is just a suggestion.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.
Okay, we can begin, I'm LastPaladin and after second read of this, I can say I like this and warn you other than one minor thing, I thoroughly enjoyed it, I love how you had the link between each life using everyday things. It was quite interesting how you drew that parallel between the two vastly different lives. But we shall begin.
I love the imagery in this piece, it has some of the best imagery I've seen today, very active fitting very well with the tone of the poem. The poem theme isn't original, but in the way you do it, I feel you give it your own natural vibe with your input. But my favourite piece of imagery is early on:
I love how you the connotations of freedom links to accurately to the poetic elements later said. It's a great hook and it impressed me. Also the image itself is just terrific, fire is not often used in that way, to portray freedom. I honestly feel this works.
Now there was one passage which seemed a little iffy, I think you to need reword it most likely, here it is.
I read this a few times over and try as I might couldn't make sense of it. I say perhaps just change how you put it, because right now it sounds like he gave himself a kiss on the cheek -- which would just be very very confusing.
Overall: Other than that small bit, I like this, and would like it, but that small thing was quite confusing and made the poem lose a lot of it flow. It's wrong, but oh well. It's a great poem don't get it wrong, just not perfect.
Hope this helps.
Haha, yeah that happens; in a play I posted, I think I spelled Romeo's name wrong; I think I wrote "Rome!"
Thanks for the review. You're right, it was supposed to be "I never existed in them". I read it over four times before posting it and still didn't catch that haha.
Wow. There is a lot going on here; for a moment, I got lost. Not lost like, "OMG what the heck I don't even know what's going on here," but a "OMG what a lot of action!" sort of lost. In other words, a really good lost.
What it seems to me, is that the narrator was killed in his/her sleep, and the person beside him/her was too, or am I interpreting that wrong?
There was one part that I really didn't understand, and that was;
Is this supposed to mean, "I never existed in them?" Just wondering.
Nonetheless, what a great poem! I love how much action you manage to fit in a poem that's really not that long; pure genius.