I’ve spent the last four years
with sand under my tongue
and waves breaking in my ears.
I’d say it was worth it
if I could look you in the eye
and say I’m happy here—
but I can’t.
Now I spend my nights carving
away at my cellulose legs.
I think they will be oars.
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Overall I liked the poem, but I think you could expand upon it a little more because I'm sort of confused as to what it means.
Hi theere.
This is very good.
I really love how you could say so much in so little. You told a complete story and set a tone in a really short poem.
Your ryhum is also really good, along with your flow. It is all really skillfully put together.
Hello.
So I really enjoyed this. The imagery and tone of this poem are superb. You have a talent for combining words in ways that portray strong emotions. For example:
Obviously the feeling of sand in your mouth is one of discomfort and not at all pleasant. This is good (in your poem, I mean); you show us a situation that would make the audience feel uncomfortable so we can relate, instead of just saying, "Hey, I'm uncomfortable!"
Several things... First off, I disagree with Whisperer. I think the italics are more effective than quotation marks. They add a more visual interest to your poem and, like Quasi said, are a nice stylistic choice. They also look like a thought, which better expresses the emotion I find in your poem.
However, I think there should be a period after "can't," the next sentence starting with "Now". Otherwise, your sentence is a tad long, and the full stop after "But I can't" would emphasize this line, which is evidently important to the poem.
Oh my God, your word choice... I can't tell you how much I enjoy this ending. It's simple, and yet it ties up the entire poem nicely.
So obviously, with the exception of a few nitpicks, I loved your poem. Huge fan, I'd love to see more.
Hello, hello.
Ugh. Specific, authentic, and moving imagery right there. You sold me.
Realy like the stylistic choice of the italics. Works much better than quotes would, and it just looks good on the page.
It's poetry and thus subjective, but I wanted a period after but I can't rather than a comma, or else no punctuation at all. The comma read to me as extraneous, because the line spacing cancelled out the need to create a division between the can't line and the one following it. A line without punctuation would read fluidly to me, whereas a period would divide the two thoughts even more distinctly. In that case, you could cut out the "and" and end up with something like:
but I can't.
Now I spend my nights carving
Which I'm not even sure I like, so totally ignore me if that's imposing.
Swooned over the word choice.
And the ending made me seal-clap. I may or may not have too much of a thing for titles with a relevance that is gracefully revealed. Did I mention that I liked the title?
Anyway, I think I've made it obvious that I'm a fan of this poem. I think it's graceful and succinct and kind of perfect. You do a particularly wonderful job of introducing the metaphor in easily understood pieces-- the sand and water around the head (so the narrator's buried in the sand?) and then the carving away at the legs (so they are buried, and now they're breaking free.) At that point my eye went back to the title and the inclusion of rowboats, which was quietly uplifting in its own way.
Fantastic, man. Best thing I've read in a while. Do me a favor and let me know when you post again!
Quasi
I liked the title, very inventive and creative, and your punctuation was acceptable, better than many on YWS, and the poem was good, I liked the imagery and vivid pictures you painted with your words, this was well done. Keep Writing!
Hi! Here for a review.
I really like this poem. It is a unique perspective and the title is nice too. Great job!
sare
Hello there.
Nitpicks:
- Nice imagery here.
- I think it's more proper to put the 'I'm happy here' in quotation marks or apostrophes instead of just italicizing them.
- I think you can end this with a period. The two following lines can stand alone as a sentence.
- This is an interesting ending.
I think this poem is good.
Never stop writing!