I am the water in the walls,
seeping through the cracks
and falling into your bed.
I'm too cold, you say,
and take your blankets to the couch.
While you're gone I sink down,
trying to soak through the mattress.
And when I finally feel the touch of steel springs
I whisper,
"One night of indigo came, borne by autumn stars.
That's where I was and that's where you are."
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
That's beautiful. I love it. Such emotion, such playfulness. I think you have it right on the money. Keep writing for the sake of writing and you'll get more reviews as positive as this.
Hello there.
Nitpicks:
- Put a comma after 'cold' and 'say'
- Also, I didn't get the connection between 'I'm too cold you say' and 'take your blankets to the couch' except for the words 'cold' and 'blanket'. >.<
- Put a comma after 'gone'.
- I think you can put a period instead of a comma after 'mattress' there 'cause the 'and when I (...)' can really stand alone.
- Put a comma after 'springs'.
Nice poem.
Never stop writing!
What is that water in the walls, I wonder.
Okay, I don't know what that thing is, but what I do know is that, in my opinion, it is an awesome work! "D
I really like this; short and sweet. I don't understand it, but I like it:)
Welldone.
-Layla Flame