Broken bones, torn muscles , dislocations, seprations
They are as , their decorations
Rotten hearts , empty souls ,
Their bodies full of holes.
Praying for the day to be over ,
Spending the night , hoping it's not sooner.
Mothers crying for their babies,
Orphans trying to abondened their day dreams.
Fathers fighting to defend their homes,
From the ultimatum of everyday drones.
Instead of playing with bat and balls ,
Children are having tough time dodging shots
Expecting it's not the end,
People are relinquishing their land.
Men are helpless ,
It's an era of total darkness.
Streets are full ,
Blood dripping even from the pull.
The wrath of God ,
Please forgive us our lord .
You're mighty after all ,
The mightiest of all.
There is no mystery ,
Without you everything is history.
Our last desire ,
It's not to be in your fire.
(KHAN)
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Ah some interesting reflections of "hell on earth" - I don't always see very much spiritual poetry on the site, so thought this was interesting.
The first half reads as a random list of problems, I would really recommend figuring out how to tie them together more, or make them more specific. Also some of the problems you listed seemed not as severe as others - for instance women crying for their babies; that's pretty dramatically sad, whereas children having a "tough time" - is sort of vague and not necessarily very upsetting. I'd try to make all of the problems at the same level.
I think it's odd that you say with the Lord, "there is no mystery" -> I don't know which religion you practice, but from my understanding all the Abrahamic religions would agree that God has many elements of mystery - and many Eastern religions too actually (although the wisdom/knowledge/logos might be revealed through prophetic revelation).
I thought the formatting was just fine because it showed in visual representation how disordered the land was.
Those are my thoughts!
Keep writing!
~alliyah
HI! Sophie S. here to review your poem! It was really amazing and I felt it. it gave me shivers when I read the god's wrath part. this poem truly is eye opening to truth and meaning. its very deep and pretty snazzy.
one thing is the rhyme scheme. its starts as aabb but stops and I know it’s not crucial but if you start it, you probably should finish it. Also, there are periods and commas needed in some places. Other than that, it is quite amazing and bone chilling. It also has a very deep message which I do intend to find very soon. Something else about this poem-
the format is incredible and also I love the word choice. At first glance, the format looks strange but it really fits with the story line. I think this strange mysterious format really works with this incredibly different story.
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Thank you very much .
Yes ,of course , i will note my mistakes and will try to do more better next time .%u263A
Legacy here for a review. (bringing me from the darkness that is a lack of reviewing
It looks like you started to have a rhyme pattern aabb, but you broke it in the middle and towards the end. (you know where you didn't rhyme). Not saying rhyme is essential, but with you already starting a rhyme scheme, you have to stick to it.
There are also some spots where you also could add some commas or take them away. (Line 2, Line 24). It also looks like there are some spots where it would be wise to rephrase. (Line 2,6, 11, 13, 16, 18, 26).
Overall I love the concept of a dystopia after "God's" wrath (I'm not personally religious). You had good imagery, but you can always make it stronger. I wish you luck. Legacy out.
Thank you for the review and for mentioning my mistakes , i will cover them next time %u263A