Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
"what's your problem?" she said,looking straight at my eyes,beautiful as ever.
I can only remember her eyes behind those spectacles,that made her look so cute.
"aah,what?" I said,choking,trying to breath.
"sorry?" I said,still puzzled and nervous
"when you gonna stop it?All you do is stare at me like an idiot,stop gazing,I totally hate it" she said,whispering to me,but more confident and cold.
My heart was throbbing by then.I stood up,making level with her.
"see,you got me wrong" I lied
"I wasn't staring at you" I bloody was!
"I didn't mean anything.I was looking hypnotised, didn't know you were there." I finished my theory,looking at her with a smile so fake.
"look!,you Bollywood sucker,you ain't the first guy staring at me like that,stop it or have the balls to say something." she said
By the time,I was doubting something, something wasn't right.
"sorry? will you be a bit more decent to me?"
she shifted closer,I can only remember her eyes
"have the balls?"
she was about to kiss me
**alarm ringing**
I could feel my heart beating faster.
I sat on the bed for few minutes,trying to recollect my dream.
**mobile beeping**
message*where are you?"*
"oh shit,she is going to kill me!" I said to myself.
I got out of bed,put on my shirt.
checked my cell phone again
*7missed calls*
"I 'm dead"
**In restaurant**
"hey,I'm sorry,I slept!" I apologized
"sorry?" she said
"I said ,I'm sorry"
"so,you don't have the balls to say anything?" she said
"Balls?"
I was starting to have goosebumps
I don't know what came to my mind,but this is what I said
"are you going to kiss me?"
**I woke up**
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Okay, first off let me start by saying this- I don't want to sound stuck-up or Gordon Ramsay-ish. However! While I may not be a professional writer, this is a situation of "I'm not a pilot, but a plane in a tree isn't good". The story's structure was difficult to follow and the grammatical errors bordered on either "English isn't my first language" or "Poorly translated Doujin leaving you with basically only your sense of inference to guide you." It makes for pretty poor writing and frankly just makes it appear slightly rushed. That aside, I appreciate the actual plot of the story, albeit it seemed a bit difficult to comprehend in its entirety due to, you know, aforementioned reasons. However, do not be discouraged, as I'm just as sure as anyone (assuming everyone's as sure as me) that a little grammatical check and English training can boost this up a bit! Good Job, though!
First of all, the sentences have a lot of grammatical errors. Second of all, you want to capitalize the first letter in the beginning of a new sentence, it's common sense. It also needs a whole lot more details, I have no idea what the book is about, it always just starts off with some guy and a girl, i just don't get it. I need so much more description to help me comprehend the story. Also, you need to put spaces between commas and the following word, it makes it look more professional, and easier to read. But keep writing, you have some great ideas and I'm curious what you'll write in the future.
But I also liked the idea of having a dream within a dream.
Hello there!
So, I'll just jump right into it here by saying that this could use a lot of work. First off, there are a lot of grammatical errors that make it difficult to read. Here's an example from the piece:
First off, the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized, so that would mean look is instead "Look". Second, two punctuation marks should not be used in conjunction, and a space should be after a comma always. Third, commas are used to indicate a smaller pause and should not be used to separate two independent clauses, thus the comma before "stop it" should be a period. Lastly, it should be a comma before the dialogue tag and not a period. All and all, it would look like this:
Overall, these issues reoccur throughout the entirety of the piece, so a lot more editing needs to be done, because this looks extremely messy right now.
Another thing that is kind of confusing is that there are no paragraphs. While it is not a good thing to have one giant paragraph, there should usually be four-ish (maybe even less) sentences to a paragraph that focus on one event. It keeps a better control of the pacing and overall makes it easier to read. As well, there should only be a new line in dialogue if there is a new speaker. Otherwise, they should go in the same paragraph. For instance, the second, third and fourth lines could be made into one paragraph.
Also, this feels very on the surface since there is no depth to the story. What's the point to this? Why does this dream matter, why should be care? The characters are flat and show no motivation and I realize it's a dream, but it has to be significant for you to want to write a story about it, but nothing happens. It's very confusing.
Finally, try to include more narration. There are some snide comments here and there but there aren't any descriptions or actions happening by the characters. It's just a lot of awkwardly worded dialogue that doesn't give us anything. Instead of telling us she's beautiful, tell us how she looks. Instead of telling us she's about to kiss him, show us the signs. Make it believable!
This could use a lot of work and I may have been a bit too blunt, so if you have any questions or would like further explanation/assistance, I would be glad to help! It's a start and I believe that you can make this even better.
Happy writing,
~ Wolfe
Thanks for such a helpful review!
Greetings,
This was certainly an interesting idea. The dream in a dream about a person's insecurities, especially dealing with an interest. I have to say that I like the idea.
Your timing is very good. Your tempo really gives off the idea of uncertainty that you were trying to bring about. I really did get the sense of someone having a crush and unable to bring themselves to admit it.
Watch your capitalization. There are a few times that you start your sentence without a capital.
I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.
Happy Writing!
Thank you!
So it's a dream within a dream.
Wowzers xD
yeah!
I should get to reviewing this soon xD
okay
So strange that today I am only checking out newbies' works. What a day, ha?
Anyways, to the work of yours. The capitalization is a problem here. Of course, we will deal with it smoothly. First of all, welcome to YWS, before I forget. I hope you find friends and motivations here! For the idea of the work I can not say I am sure what we are talking about here because of the lenght of the story. Maybe the one sentence per line is the problem because it makes it even shorter. I can say it caught my interest but lost it halfway. It sounds unfinished.
Let's start with the basic thing that I want to correct for the following work of yours is twice better. Start each new sentence/line with a capital letter. You are very good with the punctuation and this is a plus point but do not forget the space you need to put after each comma you are putting there. Of course, it is understandable if you hear this space thing for the first time and from me. One some places you had forgotten to put the fullstop after the end of the sentence.
You can look hypnotised and you be hypnotised but you can not say 'I was looking hypnotised'. You can say that when you describe how the narrator feels, but not in speech.
Maybe 'feeling' can make this sentence go right.
I had that confusing moment in which I did not know if we are talking about a certain situation happening in a very deep dream of yours of for a reality?
You wake up from this dream once because the alarm's voice is waking you up, right?
Then in the end how are you waking up again? Maybe I just need simple explaination. Maybe this was all a dream? Dream in a dream, well, I am overthinking it.
I do not think you need the so many symbols to show the readers that you talk, do and feel something.
**I woke up**
You do not need ** to surround the sentence. We can understand it without them. You only need to put quote symbols when you let the narrator talk.
Keep on writing and hope to see your improvement.
He just woke up.Don't try to dig further, because, ultimately it begins where it ends.
He just woke up.Don't try to dig further, because, ultimately it begins where it ends.