Young Writers Society

Good story, bad execution. I always say that regarding most works like this, but I genuinely mean it this time. The development of the story was well done, you did more showing than telling (unlike most writers), and your story was simple enough for me to understand without needing a hefty explanation. However, the grammatical errors were abundant, and I felt as if you originally wrote this in another language and put it through Google Translate. Pro-tip--if you're going to do that, put it through a spellchecker, too. Grammarly usually works.

However, I'm not going to talk about the spelling and grammatical errors, so I'll just jump into the beginning.

The Beginning

It was slightly cold that evening, in a deserted moonlit lane. He was zigzagging with a bottle of whiskey in his left hand and a heart so heavy, like it would burst any moment.

I'll be entirely honest with you--that bolded line was cliched. Incredibly cliched. So cliched, in fact, I thought I was going to read another bad romantic breakup story, which I thankfully didn't. However, it doesn't give a good impression to first time readers, and while I like how you combined it with the whiskey, I really do wish you'd use something more original. Even the 'something heavy in his chest' statement is better than that. Very few people can take it seriously, since it's been used so much in the past, so it might discourage readers to continue reading just because of it.

However, I will say that your image is precise enough. An alcoholic zigzagging with his bottle of comfort already speaks volumes, and I think if you were to show little bits of the past you wouldn't need to say that his "heart was bursting". Just saying.

The Ending

"She is dead sir. I'm sorry"

All of a sudden he could relate everything, he knew it wasn't the first time it's happening. With the alcohol drained off his system, he was back into the world he hated.But he had one good reason to live, his daughter.

"I'm sorry ridhi, I promise I'll take care of our daughter." His eyes were closed with tears coming out.

And he knew this time....

"I mean it"

Alright, so this ending was pretty satisfying. I had thought that the woman broke up with him, but it's somewhat clearer now. With that being said, I'm not giving you any slack--I still think the reason why should've been stated. Did the husband kill her? Did she kill herself? Did it have anything to do with the crumbling marriage? It would've made the ending more powerful if I didn't have to ask these questions in the middle of it, really.

Also, capitalize Ridhi, since it's a name.

Main Criticisms

-Your overuse of the ellipsis is astonishing. You used the ellipsis as a moment of silence, the ellipsis as a pause between thoughts, and many other things, but that is not how you're supposed to use it if you don't want people rolling their eyes in annoyance. I have a pet peeve with the ellipsis, you see, because it gives the author reason not to construct good sentences that flow in the readers head and pause when the author needs it to pause--it's a shortcut. It's more telling than showing. If you want to put a pause between sentences, a paragraph break, a coma and a period is enough. If you still seem like you're talking fast, then it's not the fault of having no ellipsis, it's your fault for not being able to construct a proper sentence with reasonable suspense.

-As I said before, there are some grammatical errors, and you may have forgotten to capitalize some things. I suggest you look at those later on.

-Do. Not. Use. *insert action*. I'm being serious. If I see another *PHONE RINGS* or *CAR CRASHES* or *BOOM POW* I will murder that person in my review, because that is not how you write a good short story. That's how you write a good play. Do not mistake the conventions of one medium and place it in another--study them both as if they were separate entities. In a play, the *insert action* is necessary because the narrator can't explain everything and because the audience can see and hear when the play is being performed. In a short story, *insert action* is a lazy shortcut for when the author doesn't want to use words to describe things that are happening in the background. Seriously. Stop.

-There seemed to be some conflict with the woman the husband was meeting with. Was she a prostitute? She came off like a prostitute, since the husband paid her for services, and since she was getting naked. You don't have to tell us she's a prostitute, but I suggest you make it clearer by adding something a bit more lewd about the environment. A dirty bed, perhaps, or a set of condoms. Go crazy.

Main Praises

-As I said before, I liked how you developed the story. While I was cruel in my criticisms, I can acknowledge when I see good storytelling and good setup. The story flowed well enough to make sense, information was given little by little, and the premise was simple enough to afford a better presentation in a shorter amount of time. Good job on that.

-While I did say you fell a bit, I do like how you didn't instantly say anything about the protagonist. You let the story unfold on its own pace, and it showed to be very pretty. More show don't tell is good, very good.

And that's it from me. Happy Review Day.

--Elliot.