More crap. lol. Another one that I took down because it sucked so bad.
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140,916 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Thanks Gladius, Billy, and Sleeping Valor! I will work on it.
I noticed that I seem to switch tenses a lot, too. But, I just left it as-is and didn't do any corrections or anything, so, that's why there were so many mistakes. Thanks again, and I'll PM you all once I fix/add more.
You definitely need to go more into detail. The story looks good but it's as if we're listening to an audio recording, almost; you hear their voices but you don't see the people behind them.
Try describing their reactions more and giving them motivation. What are they thinking?
ex:
This one is off somewhere, but it depends on if you mean for her realisation to be past tense, at which point you should put the words first since you're explaining why it took her so long to react. Also, maybe use 'didn't instead of hadn't? Hadn't sounds like it should be followed by 'realized'. (maybe that last thing's just me though =P)
My only other suggestion is to give us a more obvious insentive to read what comes next, the hint of romance is very subtle and if you looked at it one way it might just seem like the conversation between two friendly but shy people.
Keep up the good work and good luck on the project! =P
First things first: you need to go into a little more depth with your characters, give the reader an idea of what they look like. You don't need to go into backgrounds in a prologue, but you should give the reader a basic idea of them. Aside from that, I only noticed a couple of mistakes.
You started in past tense and then changed to present tense.
'Replies' doesn't quite work here. The bystander is asking a question, not responding to one.
That's it. The rest is good, give me a PM when you've posted the next bit.
-Billy
Interesting--it appears as if it's going to become a romance. It's needs a little bit more flesh, though... *cocks head and contemplates story thoughtfully* The dialogue's a little awkward, too...but I guess that's intended? Can't wait to read more!