She sat upon a mighty, noble steed. She looked as though she hadn't slept for years. Her name was Katia Gabriella Lineberger. Katia was the queen of Penbroke. She had long, auburn colored hair and deep, chocolate-brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was the most graceful crown.
She halted upon entering the town and waited for her guards to gallop ahead. As each masculine guard and his steed trotted ahead, Katia simply cocked her head from side to side, arms crossed, clutching her clothing nervously.
She starts, "Dearest people of Penbroke, I am truly honored to be here with you on this beautiful evening, but tis not for a good reason, I assure you. The reason being this : There will be an evaluation this afternoon." Her voice sounded very smooth.
Everyone waited for the Queen to explain this. After a long moment of silence, she spoke.
"You will simply be evaluated on your ability to handle your life. A counselor shall be observing each person in every family, one counselor per family. Depending on your counselor's decision, if he or she believes that you can handle your every day life, good for you. You shall continue to live here, in Penbroke. If the counselor decides otherwise... You shall be shipped off to the nice little town of Gofger, where you shall spend the rest of your days, provided with nice and determined people interested in helping you with your everyday life. Any questions?"
No one spoke. But all stared in disbelief at the Queen, as though she had just told them that she was going to shoot them all one by one.
At last, a voice was heard from the middle of the crowd. "Yes, I have a question. Who the hell came up with this brilliant idea?" A sarcastic woman questioned.
"Yeah!" Voices from the crowd raged. "Tell us so we can have a little chat with the chap."
"People, I understand that this is unfair to the umpteenth degree, but just understand that this was in no way, shape, or form my doing," The Queen reasoned.
"Then who was it?" They argued.
"Again, this was yet another bright idea thought up by none other than a member of the conclave. I tried to fight it folks, I really did, but I was repudiated."
They demanded to know the name of the conclave member who had come up with the idea.
The Queen answered, "I will not give anyone his name for fear that he will be incriminated by the likes of all of you."
~~~
Okee dokee. As you can see (those of you who previously read this), I changed this quite a bit. Now read it and tell me what you think! 
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Cool! Canada! *ish uncoordinated too* Well, I must go. (Grrr... bed time for me. I'm really tired! I would stay up later and drink coffee, but I need sleep to write betterer. *pokes the word 'betterer'* That was meant to be better! Sorry. SEE!) Anyways, night and talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
~Monki
Indeed ^^ I'm not terribly coordinated, and would probably cause many catastrophes if I ever got hold of a sword. Pen it is then, lol.
*Is bored too*
I live in Alberta, (Canada) If you didnt know either
Ha ha! No, seriously though. Pursue your dream. I think you're meant to use the pen as your weapon-definitely not a sword though, because I don't think you+a sword would be a very good sight. Lol. And yes, I agree. The pen is definitely mightier than the sword. -sighs- So, I'm bored. How 'bout you? I don't think we've clarified this, so where do you live? I live in Florida (USA, if you didn't know).
Haha! No way, you flatter me lol.
I just have a larger than normal vocabulary... And am a grammar freak. Which fails hardcore, haha. ^^;
Seriously though, I loooove your work ^^ You have a talent, don't be afraid to use it as your weapon; the pen is mightier than the sword, no?
P. > Yay! Monki gets
back! (P.S. You can't truthfully tell me that you like my work. It sucks right now. I think it's just because I am just beginning my 'writing career' if you will. I think with practice that maybe I can earn a few fans here and there. I bet you have like 10,000,000,000,000! You can add me to that list, too! Because I know that I'll love any of your works. You give such good writing tips that I know your work has to be good!)
Luffles,
~The One, The Only-THE MONKI!
Hehe ^^ Aw, P has lots of
for Monki too<3
I'm not asking for anything, I just really like your work xD
I don't need a critique lol, if you want to read my work you can
P. > Thanks for the tip. *Writes down on notepad full of tips given by peeps of YWS (really, I did write it down-just 'cause it sounds cool and professional)* Anywho...
Hey, thanks again P.! Monki has lots of <3 for you!
I've been telling everyone this : I'm really sorry that I haven't gotten to critiquing any of your works yet. But I've just been really busy with *cough, cough* being sick, school, writing, etc.. I promise that if I don't get to it sometime this week that I will get to it this weekend.
Realism is more effective when you want to relate to the reader.
If your story has a sufficient theme or moral to it, then yes, it should connect to the audience.
But if you're writing just for the sake of telling a story, then realism isn't really necessary.
Good suggestions. In fact, I was thinking of starting sort of over and making the beginning where she is fighting and arguing her point with the conclave, but the reason she is arguing won't be about the people being able to stay. I think there should be a more realistic problem. Realism=Good, right?
Uh, the arguing people were suposed to be the angel/devil thing.
(I don't know why those popped up)
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
MONKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All we need to know at the moment is her first name. You can reveal her full name later 
:D:D:D:D You have great potential.
This is better, but there are still a few things
**
She sat upon a mighty, noble steed. She looked as though she hadn't slept for years. Her name was Katia Gabriella Lineberger. Katia was the queen of Penbroke. She had long, auburn colored hair and deep, chocolate-brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was the most graceful crown.
Again, her description is irrelevant to your story.
She halted upon entering the town and waited for her guards to gallop ahead. As each masculine guard and his steed trotted ahead, Katia simply cocked her head from side to side, arms crossed, clutching her clothing nervously.
We need more thought bubbles here!!! What kind of ruler is she?
She starts, "Dearest people of Penbroke, I am truly honored to be here with you on this beautiful evening, but tis not for a good reason, I assure you. The reason being this: There will be an evaluation this afternoon." Her voice sounded very smooth.
Remember, she is a Queen addressing her subjects. Giver her a bit of dignity here.
Everyone waited for the Queen to explain this. After a long moment of silence, she spoke.
"You will simply be evaluated on your ability to handle your life. A counselor shall be observing each person in every family, one counselor per family. Depending on your counselor's decision, if he or she believes that you can handle your every day life, good for you. You shall continue to live here, in Penbroke. If the counselor decides otherwise... You shall be shipped off to the nice little town of Gofger, where you shall spend the rest of your days, provided with nice and determined people interested in helping you with your everyday life. Any questions?"
Here, we know what's going on, but it's not fully explained. We need to know why these people are being sent away
At last, a voice was heard from the middle of the crowd. "Yes, I have a question. Who the hell came up with this brilliant idea?" A sarcastic woman questioned.
"Yeah!" Voices from the crowd raged. "Tell us so we can have a little chat with the chap."
Would the Queen really let her subjects speak this way to her? ESPECIALLY when she did everything in her power to help them?
"People, I understand that this is unfair to the umpteenth degree, but just understand that this was in no way, shape, or form my doing," The Queen reasoned.
NO.
Putting the blame on someone else is a BAD idea, ESPECIALLY since she is the Queen. This will cause the people not to trust her. I mean, look at the politicians in our country; do we really appreciate it when they try to pass the blame?
"Again, this was yet another bright idea thought up by none other than a member of the conclave. I tried to fight it folks, I really did, but I was repudiated."
She still has a say in the conclave. There are other members of a conclave too. Why would they agree to do this?
They demanded to know the name of the conclave member who had come up with the idea.
The Queen answered, "I will not give anyone his name for fear that he will be incriminated by the likes of all of you."
WHOA!!!!!!!
What happened to the nice Queen? Here she is being really mean to her subjects. It's getting a bit confusing...
Overall, I think it was better, but there are still some bumps in the road
I suggest you start with the council at the conclave, the fight she put up, etc. because we really have nothing to go on here. We need more characterization, some internal conflict/dialogue. What does SHE think of this? Please, add some thought bubbles.
I suggest you look at the monarchs throughout history? What did they do and say? Why did they say it? Why were they elected? Usually, the very VERY first monarchs accomplished some great thing i.e. unified the people, were great in battle, gave people freedom, etc.
Look at our own politicians. They have to say things that are 'politically correct' so they don't offend people.
I STRONGLY suggest you look at Elizabeth I. Since we know so much about her, and all the things she accomplished, she would be a good model.
Keep writing Monki
Thanks P. I shall be modifying this (yet again) shortly.
Lol. Thanks for the encouragement (?) Lancrist.
I shall be interested to see on what criteria people are judged worthy of living.
Monki ^^
So glad to see you added more!!
This paragraph kills it T_T
Too many "She" started sentences, which makes it sound repetitive, I think I liked the other opener better. It should seduce the reader into reading more, not repulse them cos it sounds cheap.
SO much better. Clear reference to her speaking this time
Other than that I really have no beefs lol. Love the word "repudiated" though ^^ big vocabularies ftw
Much <3.
P.
Wow! Thanks Porcelain! I don't think anyone's ever said that they 'love' my work before! I guess that's because I've just began becoming serious about writing... Okay, I'll edit that and modify it here so you can tell me what you think about the changes and you can read some more of it.
Hiiii
Firstly let me say, I love this piece, so far.
Had to leave me hangin'.
I only have really, two issues, which pretty much seraph summed up, but I'll reiterate.
1.
I thought she was speaking to herself, as to plot out in her head what she would say. You don't really give any detail into where she is at the time she says that, asides from the bit where she's entering the town.
2.
Too much description all in one sha-bang. You're hit with a huge non-subtle description of her which makes me sad, because I imagine Katia to be a bit mysterious. Again, you get into her description and then you hit us with the fact that she's tense. You could probably integrate that with the description of how she holds her head, how her dark brown eyes move around the scenery. Kill two birds with one literary stone, hehe.
Other than that. I love it. I have no issues with the suspense, I think there's quite enough. But I do want to read more ^^
Much love,
P.
Cool!
I don't know how to invite though. I think you go to the profile or something
Anyway, YES I will be your friend!!
Cool! There's a character that (almost) has the same name as me! Sweet! Lol.
I am so lovable (and blushable)! -blushes- Anyways, I'll work on editing/critiquing as many of your excerpts as possible tonight. So... friend right? 
YES!!!!!!!!!!
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D *bows, adores Monki* You know, I have a character named Monky.... 
PLEASE read Songwood Part II. *not saying that the crits I received are bad*
More is better!!!! Also Jerrsea'ya in Action Fic.
Alright. Thanks. So.... any works that you need editing/constructive criticisms?
Yeah, you can invite him.
:D:D:D:D I don't see why there would be a problem. 
:D:D:D:D
Thanks! Lol. You make me very comfortable here. Anyway, I invited my ex-boyfriend (we're still good friends) to join this site. That's alright to do, right?
Well, if someone steals your work, it will be obvious. And since it will be obvious, people won't read their work, or they'll say "uh, this is too much like Monki's story. Even though you really like it..." and to that extent. And further along, if someone trys to steal you ideas... well, you can point out your posts here on YWS, and what would they have? Probably nothing.
So, don't worry about that too much 
:D:D:D
Thank you so much SeraphTree. And thank you too Gwenivire. And thanks for not being harsh with me. This is my first time ever posting my work online. I just have a fear that my work will be stolen (no matter how bad it is-lol) and I'll have no proof that it's mine.
You repeat things to much...
There are a few things you need to clear up.
Other than that good work!
We have no details here. Where are these people? Is the sky lavender? Is the horse spotted? (These are just examples
She sat upon a mighty, noble steed. She looked as though she hadn't slept for years. Her name was Katia Lineberger.
Listen to this when you read this. They don't flow together at all. Figure out what you want to say.
She had long, strawberry-blonde hair and deep, chocolate brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was a glowing, graceful crown. Katia seemed tense; She was very, very tense.
We don't need this description all at once. Break it up. Have someone comment on her dark eyes, or don't mention it at this time, unless it's relevant to your story
Dearest people of Penbroke, I am truly honored to be here with you on this beautiful evening, but it's not for a good reason, I assure you. The reason being this : 'There will be an evaluation this afternoon.'" Her voice sounded smooth, and not the least bit raspy. It was as smooth as silk-sounding.
You just jumped into this. We have no thoughts or dialogue from your character. This makes her seem very dramatic, and immature for her role.
"Queen Katia, please do not tell us that we will be evaluated on how well we care for our children! I cannot let them take my children! They are all I have that is worth anything at all." A woman yelled from the back of the crowd. "No, no, no!" The Queen shouts back gently. "It has not a thing to do with the children. It is... er, something else." She lowers her voice. "Well, get on with it then!" Yells a grumpy old man in the middle of the crowd
How is this relevant? Cut to the chase
Overally, you need to draw out your story. Give us some suspense, a thrill of the chase. So far, we no nothing about Katia, exept her hair and eyes are a certain color, an that she is tense and weary. Details!!! Personalize this for us. Make her real to us. Tell us why she is so weary and tense and about this "evaluation."
More importantly...
Keep writing
You have a good start